The Pendulum's Scripture / Two Life is a pendulum. It swings from one extreme to the other, never finding stillness at the center. We chase happiness, believing it to be our natural state, yet find ourselves invariably pulled toward sorrow. We pursue success with fervent determination, only to discover that failure shadows our every step. This oscillation between opposing forces is not a flaw in existence—it is existence itself. The pendulum teaches us that movement is the essence of being alive. A pendulum at rest is not a pendulum; it is merely an ornament hanging from a string. Similarly, a life without the swing between joy and grief, hope and despair, love and loss, is not life but a kind of suspended animation. We resist this truth because we have been conditioned to seek permanence in an impermanent world. Consider how we approach our days. When fortune smiles upon us, we desperately try to capture that moment, to freeze it in amber, believing we can somehow arrest the pendulum's motion. When misfortune strikes, we thrash against it, expending enormous energy to escape what is merely the pendulum's natural arc. Both responses stem from the same fundamental misunderstanding: the belief that we can control the swing. The wisdom lies not in stopping the pendulum but in understanding its rhythm. Just as a skilled musician works with the metronome rather than against it, we must learn to dance with life's oscillations. This does not mean passive resignation—it means active participation in the eternal dance of opposites. When we are in the depths of sorrow, the pendulum whispers: "This too shall pass." When we are at the heights of joy, it murmurs the same eternal truth: "This too shall pass." Both the consolation and the reminder emerge from the same source—the inexorable law that governs all movement in life. The pendulum's scripture is written not in words but in motion, not in promises but in patterns. It teaches us that every swing toward darkness contains within it the seed of light's return, and every moment of brightness carries the gentle warning of shadow's approach. This is not pessimism but profound realism—the kind that liberates us from the tyranny of expecting life to be other than what it is.

(Continuing from the previous part...)

Suicide. There was a time when I thought about this subject countless times, wept over it. And I pondered deeply—why such thoughts enter our minds, and why we compel ourselves to feel such extreme self-hatred that we suddenly, unprepared, entangle ourselves with acts worthy of such unexpected and profound disgust. We often give all kinds of advice to help others navigate the difficult moments of their lives. From a distance, we think overcoming the urge to commit suicide is actually quite simple. In truth, cultivating attachment to life or finding reasons to keep living before our eyes isn't always easy. It's perhaps better not to say such things in these circumstances, because at these times one truly loses any semblance of self-control. Sometimes we can overcome these moments ourselves, and sometimes someone very close to us—friends or family—understands our feelings and somehow brings us back from this path of self-destruction. Sometimes it happens that when contemplating suicide, or before attempting it, we find no one to speak with about the sorrows working within us. Those who cannot maintain control over themselves, or who cannot adapt to these circumstances and survive, are the ones who depart forever.
Such a storm once raged over me. My nikah ceremony had taken place, and it had been about eight months, perhaps a little more, when I could no longer bear the mental pressure Pias was putting on me. I was still suffering from indecision about the final ceremony of my marriage. He was constantly pressuring me in various ways. Yet because I had married of my own will, I couldn't speak to anyone about it. When he and I entered married life so soon after the nikah, I became so trapped by these problems from all sides that I lost even the minimal knowledge, strength, and intelligence to understand which path to take or what would be right and appropriate for me. At that time, thinking about divorce seemed like a wrong decision to me, yet I was also doubtful about this storm of marriage, such a major life decision that I would have to carry for the rest of my life. Immediately, I felt I should stay with him a little longer and see if the situation might change. But then I also thought: could I really build a household with someone who had put me under such mental pressure even before marriage, and who—despite my trying to please him according to his wishes and even after the nikah—hadn't improved but rather increased his arbitrary behavior day by day? Yet such a decision so soon after marriage could put me in a difficult position. I was examining every angle thoroughly, desperately searching for someone close to me, hoping to find some answer somewhere! But the deeper I went, the darker everything seemed, and I couldn't find anyone who could give me appropriate counsel on this matter, which left me speechless. These thoughts were gradually pulling me away from my physical well-being.
When a familiar voice changes, you can still recognize it.
I came to understand the matter later. What I had thought was so difficult at the time wasn't really that difficult at all—in fact, I could have resolved it right then and there. Life must be faced standing before life itself, not standing before the brain. The truth was, I was simply losing to my own emotions, which compelled me to move forward with marriage—something that later failed completely and forced me to make the decision to separate. In any case, those times became so difficult that I sometimes felt like committing suicide. But fortunately, I never managed to summon quite that much courage. However, after quite some time had passed, when I looked at what my future held in that household, I felt that nothing remained between us except dispassionate negotiations. Only then was I able to control my emotions, and at last my true understanding of life's game was born. Perhaps life keeps alive only those who can adapt themselves to all its dirty games. When a person understands these methods or strategies of life's games, then they can defeat life and not allow life to triumph over them. Perhaps life gives its greatest gifts to such people.
We all know that suicide means losing to life, and this is humanity's greatest defeat. But when accepting life's bad experiences and continuing to live becomes truly unbearable, people arrive at such an extreme decision as suicide without thinking much about it. Even thinking that life will give us some gifts if we stay alive, perhaps we sometimes can no longer survive fighting life's various sufferings—and then we perform such a difficult act as suicide, displaying our foolishness to everyone. The thing is, does it really matter to anyone whether I'm alive or dead? If I die, some people will keep me in mind for a day or two, then everyone goes back to their own affairs. That's it, isn't it? Yes, it's true that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but we don't accept this. For us, that permanent thing also means precisely that moment when we can no longer stay alive. We understand perfectly well that days of suffering will end someday, yet that despondent moment destroys some of us, and life laughs with joy at our defeat. Life will want, by any means necessary, to make us lose. Why shouldn't we love ourselves? Why should we, the good ones, accept the bad? Why should we repeatedly let life laugh at us? Why can't we whip life instead? Why won't we let life be the one to lose?
There are many events in our lives that we fail to control. There are many mysteries of life that we are unable to unravel. If someone keeps trying to force us to lose to life, we should understand right then that they are actually playing with our emotions and they want us to lose to life, they want us never to be able to stand up again, never to be able to rise again, they want us to disappear somewhere far away. Those who carry dirty values or morality will do exactly this. They understand nothing beyond the arrogance of power. Even to avoid being merely their playthings, such people can be defeated.
And so we can step back from such terrible decisions as suicide. When we win, they lose. When we survive, they burn and die slowly within. They too can be played with, they too can be defeated in other ways, at other times, by other paths. But for that, we must remain alive. We can do anything if we truly want to. Because we know that we actually love ourselves, and these wretched people can never rise above good people like us. We must respect ourselves first and foremost. A person who does not respect himself can never respect anyone else. And how can someone who truly respects himself ever destroy himself?
I only wanted to ensure that some old event from my life would not cloud my present. I did not want to give birth to any fabricated notions, nor did I perform any pretentious acts for show. I was always honest and sought to achieve everything through honesty, for this brings peace to the mind. To keep my present good and make my future beautiful, I wanted to erase certain parts of the past from my mind, and that is why I disliked engaging in deep discussions about these matters with anyone. I knew that what I had done before were merely empty fears and that I lacked sufficient knowledge about those subjects. Had I possessed mental maturity, I might never have done those things. Perhaps none of what happened to me would have occurred. If she too had maintained a clear understanding about me—about us—and if she had truly been attentive to my concerns, the outcome might have been better. But what is truly good, only God knows best. Perhaps I have actually been saved, something I cannot understand right now! Time will reveal everything.
If a person can properly manage their family and succeeds in that endeavor, then perhaps they possess the capability to govern a state as well. Here, success does not merely refer to achievements among family members, nor does it simply mean external environmental and circumstantial success. Success here means something that encompasses the internal strength and peace of the family, environmental harmony—that is, responsibility as a neighbor and social being—and one's own mental tranquility. Many heads of household, whether male or female, who make all family decisions or bear responsibility, feel no need to discuss their actions—some or all—with their spouse and, when necessary, with other family members, nor do they consider any form of accountability necessary. Consequently, in decision-making, they prioritize only their own will. Such a person respects neither their family nor their neighbors, and they do not even view their state favorably. When we ensure accountability to our family for our actions, this simultaneously creates an intimate and loving relationship among all members of our family. On the other hand, this can soon take a bad turn if we impose our personal ideas and decisions upon others. Those who love each member of the family surely love themselves and their state as well.
One learns to harmonize family members with one's own personality and maintain inner equilibrium—this gradually helps create an invisible yet workable relationship with family and neighbors. When we don't quite fit with our neighbors, yet find ourselves bound to them by invisible ties that demand we seek their cooperation when needed or not, we must learn to accommodate them with some compromise.
These very same processes operate in matters of national interest. When running a state, neighboring countries play the role of our neighborhood's residents. Every member of the government's parliament functions there exactly like members of our own family. This involves personal, familial, social, and national interests. To maintain proper balance among these elements, we must first strengthen and qualify ourselves. Behind the growth of any tree or any substantial thing, its foundation plays a crucial role. When the foundation is strong and solid, the tree becomes sturdy and survives many storms. In such cases, honesty is essential, but so are intelligence, skill, foresight, tolerance, the capacity for maintaining harmony, mental and inner strength, physical well-being, moral qualities, the ability to perceive surrounding circumstances, the competence for quick decision-making, courage, strategy, refined mentality, spiritual peace, powers of observation, rational religious position and knowledge, the ability to keep oneself calm in any situation, the capacity for thought, skill in maintaining relationships, and so forth. Above all, I believe that one who loves their life partner, respects them, considers them indispensable and worthy for their life, finds in them the inspiration for all life's work, commits themselves to standing by their side like a shadow while preserving their honor in any circumstance until life's end, and considers the invisible responsibility of being accountable to each other in all matters as essential and dutiful—only such a person can create a beautiful family. Only one who dedicates themselves to helping neighbors and protecting the social environment can make their family happy. Such a person possesses all the qualifications for governing their state as well. But one thing: if you want to be happy in life, the most crucial thing is to take time and choose as your life partner someone who will understand you and accept you just as you are. There is no greater sorrow than spending life with a partner who simultaneously loves and mentally tortures you. To survive, peace and comfort are more essential than love.
Today I spent the entire day in pointless arguments and sulking. I know these lead nowhere—only increase unhappiness. Yet like a fool, I keep repeating the same mistakes. Of course, wise people never want to dwell on their past losses but rather think cheerfully about how to compensate for losses and achieve something in life. The problem is, I'm not a wise person.
The moving finger writes, and having writ,

Moves on: nor all thy piety nor wit

Shall lure it back to cancel half a line,

Nor all thy tears wash out a word of it.

What a person thinks about all day, what they contemplate at day's end about themselves, about their way of living, about their surroundings—gradually, they become essentially that. What does thinking mean? It means coolly considering what and where the problem is, and striving for its solution.
And worry is this: spinning in circles like a madman, thinking chaotically about the problem. To grow up, first you have to be small! So if I'm small, I'm doing just fine! If I collapse under this calamity, no one will value me. Sometimes I think the root of all my troubles is actually myself. Nothing has really happened to my body or mind. My surroundings aren't giving me peace — rather, what I'm thinking is what's giving it to me. I mean, the more I think I'm in distress, the more distress I truly receive. The more I think I'm depressed, the deeper I sink into depression. What a person truly thinks with their heart, that's what they become. The Creator will surely give me an opportunity too. For everyone in the world, the Creator keeps at least one opportunity. The problem is, not everyone can recognize that opportunity in time and doesn't know how to seize it.
I must criticize myself on my own. Since no one criticizes me to my face, or calls me a fool, this work of criticism falls to me alone. All these wonderful things people say about me, praising me face to face — surely this doesn't mean I never make mistakes. I am certainly not infallible. I want to improve myself. Being accountable to oneself for one's own actions is perhaps a very difficult task. When we're accountable to someone else for our work, we probably always try to hide our mistakes as much as possible, however we can. But when we dare to be accountable to ourselves for our own actions, then we can catch our real mistakes and won't struggle anymore to correct ourselves. Our faults will emerge then. Though this is very painful, it's also a very wonderful thing, and I've tried it — though at first it brings tears to accept, later it gets better.
Fortune doesn't take long to turn. God knows everyone's heart very well. If I am God's beloved creation, if I can always stay on the right path, God will surely keep me much better than everyone else, and suddenly everything will be set right for me. This happens to many people, I've seen it. But yes, I must keep trying for it, I cannot let myself be defeated. Absolutely not!
For the first time in my life, I lost even while being honest. For the first time in my life, my honesty was defeated. Falsehood won. Perhaps there was some other signal here, perhaps if my honesty had won it wouldn't have brought anything good for me, so this time honesty lost. Some losses contain blessings within them. There are many victories that completely destroy a person. Humans have no ability to understand this beforehand. So rather than thinking too much about this, it's better to move forward on life's path. Let life go on by its own rules! Let me see where life takes me!
The day you too are shattered blow by blow, just like me, you'll see that you have no one beside you to talk about all this sorrow. No one to hold your hand. No one will come to stay beside you like a shadow and push you a little further forward.
On that day when you wonder at the world, you will think only of me, and each of those moments will make you understand exactly how much pain I was in, how utterly alone I fought against my entire world! That day you will weep thinking only of me, because I will no longer be there beside you as before—shielding you from all suffering, inspiring you to move forward. I truly will not think of you anymore, because I never deceived you. I want you to understand, even if only for one day, how much anguish filled those moments of my life. You played with me so much that I didn't even get the time to feel surprised by such suddenness! I accepted it all. Only I know, and my Creator knows, what was in my heart! He alone knows what happened to me and what my role was in it all, what fault was mine! This is how my honest love was repaid!
It's not right to sit around acting all wise by spouting terribly learned words about some subject. It looks as if all the knowledge in the world exists in my own head, and everyone else is a complete fool! I come on Facebook and laugh seeing such fools.
Words of emotion must be written while the emotion still lives. No matter how powerfully emotional thoughts swirl in the mind at that instant, that same mental passion simply doesn't work later. In such cases, it's better to wait until that emotional state returns again—otherwise the true expression of feeling will never emerge. I really am a fool. I tell myself: Girl, why don't you understand the score? This is exactly why everyone in the world deceives you! First learn life's basic lessons, then later speak of advanced matters. Ah, when I must answer to myself for a thousand things I've done, there's nothing left to say! If Piyas succeeds in transforming himself completely after a ten-year love affair, then he's doing well in his own way! Why should I suffer so much for him? If one side can forget, the other side must be able to forget too. That's the rule. He wasn't just my beloved—he was my friend too. He was my closest friend. If even my oldest friend can do such a thing, will I still remain such a cheap girl who can be had for the asking, for whom nothing need be sacrificed, for whom one needn't change oneself—but who will change herself for someone else? Piyas, mark my words: my time will come too someday. Everything will change that day. One day everything will be reversed. It will be! My God is with me. Everything will turn around, because I was completely honest. Apart from God, there's no one else to help me right now.
In our times of suffering or hardship, we expect help from those very people who are always waiting for a chance to harm us. We think they truly want what's best for us, that they are our real friends. The very definition of friendship is changing these days! Alas, the Creator took away my heart and tested my faith! Life's hardest examination must be taken before the Creator, and then life perhaps doesn't stop, but it certainly comes to a standstill!
Sometimes when someone makes comments about my situation without understanding my position, I grow weary very quickly. I no longer feel like explaining anything to anyone. I think to myself: the very person I expected to understand—they didn't understand at all! What they understood that made them gradually drift away, I truly don't know. How could the rest be expected to understand me? How much have I really done for them anyway? I've done nothing for anyone, I can't make anyone understand anything—this is my failing. I lack the ability to make them comprehend. In this life, those for whom I've given everything—they didn't stand by me, but instead caused harm or tried to. And those for whom I've done nothing—why should I expect them to stand by me? The person I trusted with my entire being is absent during my time of suffering, while I find myself seeking everything from someone who doesn't even know me properly! This is my foolishness! This is my mistake!
God doesn't give everything to everyone. God bestows good fortune with understanding. First make yourself worthy, then think of good fortune. Those who prefer to stay busy with trivial matters—God gives them the opportunity to remain occupied with trivial things their entire lives. The amusing thing is, petty people can't even distinguish what is trivial and what is not. A person who spends their life trying to understand what is small or great, or seeing the trivial as grand, never achieves anything significant. Small people find joy in small tasks. Those with unhealthy personalities prefer to belittle others to feel superior about themselves. I know there's pleasure in that too. The world exists for joy, after all, but finding happiness in everything is hardly worthwhile. However you can, refrain from deriving pleasure from all things and keep yourself away from such places. Some people find a certain happiness even in the shame of a beggar woman in torn clothes on the street. People can be known by the nature of their happiness. If you can make your taste, thoughts, and mentality beautiful, your work will stand out differently from that of ten others. Otherwise, you're nothing more than someone merely dragging life along. If you want special respect, you must first become a special person. Living like ten others won't earn you any special regard.
Behind every successful man stands a woman's contribution, but we often see that behind a successful woman stands no man's contribution at all. A woman must move forward by her own decisions, her own efforts, her own strategies. In this regard, a woman's strength is greater than a man's—this can be said without hesitation. A man reaches the peak of success much more easily than a woman can.
Sleep won't come. Sometimes this happens. It's been happening more lately. And since it's happening, I'm not forcing myself to sleep. Perhaps this is how changes naturally come to people—at their own pace. When I was very small, life didn't seem so complicated. Nothing felt so ugly. Life was simple then, beautiful. Many things in the world had me write various thoughts about themselves in my diary, whose meanings I sometimes didn't even grasp.
When the mind becomes restless, unable to discern which direction to take, when fear takes root for no reason at all, when nothing seems comprehensible, then perhaps strange terrors settle into the depths of consciousness. At such moments, I sit to write whatever comes to mind, and sitting there, growing weary with time, I wonder what turns my life keeps taking—I simply don't know. Yet I don't wish to live merely for the sake of living; I want to accomplish something meaningful, to justify both life and birth. Sometimes I grow tired from worry. As a woman, I've always tried to keep myself steady in every situation. I've never wanted to break down, whether in sorrow or joy. I've never wanted to destroy myself in any anxiety. As much as I could manage, no matter how dire the circumstances, I've adapted. Sometimes I succeeded, other times I curled up inside myself in despair. But I never allowed myself to truly collapse. These are the thoughts that have always occupied me. This is who I am. This is who I want to remain.
Even now, when I'm alone at times and my heart feels heavy, I find myself unconsciously longing for someone to come sit beside me, to hold my hand tightly and say, "I am yours!" But this doesn't happen. Somehow I feel I can't find anyone capable of harmonizing their heart with mine. I sense that none of them could manage me, could navigate life with me. I know myself, after all. In the repeated encounters with my own experiences, sometimes even I can't cope with myself. A voice from within asks: what if he doesn't understand me? I wonder: will he be able to keep me at peace? Life's various games have made me so difficult and hardened that I feel only someone very difficult, someone stronger than me, could possibly understand me if they entered my life! Whoever comes will have to endure sufferings exactly as I have! I now understand that perhaps only the difficult can break the difficult. Glass is mended with glass. Only love can love. Only hatred can hate. Only stone can break stone. I don't know—perhaps someone like that will be sent into my life. Someone like that will come for me. God knows all.
Sometimes I think no one could be as strong as I am. Then again, I think whoever enters my life must have endured blows equal to mine. Sometimes I tell myself: who are you that came into my life and shattered everything? So many events I never wanted! Things I never desired—they all happened anyway! Yet it seems everything unfolded this way because you were meant to come. The power of your love defeated me too. Even I surrendered to you! Because you were meant to come... is that really so? Am I truly living through all this suffering for this reason? Will something like this really happen in my life? Sometimes I can't believe myself. What do I know... perhaps it will! Perhaps it won't! Yet I want to believe, thinking simply that there must be some fruit to this! Will all the sufferings I've gradually received from life and endured go to waste? I've heard that good can only yield good. But this isn't always true.
How many strange things happen in a person's life! Yet, I am human! I live in hope of receiving something good. Hope is what human life is all about! If I don't hold onto this hope, what else would I live for? How would I live? If I don't nurture this hope, what would be the point of living at all? To keep anyone alive, God must place hope within that person in some form or another! God doesn't keep anyone in suffering for their entire life. Isn't that what the wise say—eat the bitter first, then the rest will taste better. That's exactly what I've done. Then why is my life turning out this way?
It's raining outside. It feels good. Today my mother wasn't feeling well. My heart grew heavy. Sometimes when you have to depend on others to make decisions about many things, it doesn't feel good anymore. The heart grows sad. Mother is unwell, and my heart yearns to take her to the doctor immediately. Let her illness be cured, let my heart find peace! I cannot accept, in any way, that while I'm alive, something should happen to my parents—especially due to lack of medical care or attention. If something bad happens to them because of my inability, I will never forgive myself for as long as I live. Whenever my parents need medical care, I feel that I must achieve the capability to transform even the smallest moments of discomfort in their lives into happiness, before I think of my own comfort. For this reason alone, couldn't God arrange a good job for me! I know this truth as I know many others—if something happens to my parents, my life will be over, I myself will be finished. In my small world, these two people exist who are the most essential to me. When they leave this small world of mine, it will become even smaller. Then I won't be able to exist even within myself. I simply cannot live without them.
I don't know why I can't say it, can't explain anything. Perhaps doing something, showing through action, is the real way of speaking. Speaking with words doesn't really count as speaking at all. I can't even do that little bit for my parents, so my words fail me. This is why I remain unable to make anyone understand anything, why I can't explain anything to anyone. Sometimes when I'm deeply disappointed with myself, when I can't accomplish anything in any direction, when I can't find any arrow to shoot, I think—let me lean back a little, shake off my worries, and give myself some rest! Whatever happens in this life, let it happen! Whatever, however it pleases, let it be! Yet I can't do that when I see that my entire family lives depending on the strength of my well-being. They dream of life by looking at me. When such thoughts enter my mind, I can no longer lean back and give up. I lose sleep. If they can all live well just by seeing me stay strong, just by witnessing my strength, then no matter what, I must forget all suffering and remain well. I must stay well, if only for them. To keep them happy, I must show them—that I am very content, that I am well, that I'm not suffering at all. Even if they treat me poorly, I will not take it to heart and will remain well. I cannot afford to stay with a heavy heart.
If I cannot accept all this naturally, they will worry about me, live in fear...that I might break! I would rather endure all suffering and remain well just to keep my family happy. No matter how much emptiness fills my heart, I will not make anyone understand it. I will not let anyone know that I feel this void. Because if I am finished, my family will be finished. If I collapse, my family will collapse entirely. Everything depends solely on me. My entire family survives on my strength. Where the foundation itself begins with me, if I crumble, everything will crumble. I don't want that. I want to see my family well. I want to see that everyone in my family is happy, healthy, well. If I break, they won't be able to hold themselves together anymore.
Sometimes I deliberately behave badly with them, because I want to convince them that I am normal. If I always behave well, then my family assumes that perhaps I am not well, that I am acting at being fine. To keep them away from this notion, I behave badly. Sometimes good, sometimes bad—this is life's rule. And I too am subject to this rule. Sometimes I am unreasonably reasonable. My anger sometimes gives them peace. I cannot remain emotionless and silent. I cannot hurt them mentally with my condition. I have no right to keep others in suffering because of my own suffering. Just because I am in pain doesn't give me the right to burden the entire world with that responsibility. Understanding all this and living accordingly—this is what living means.
(To be continued...)