The Pendulum's Constitution / One

How does one come to believe in something? Simple! Just begin to believe. Like children do. You know what they do, don't you? They see an ice cream from afar and start crying for it as if it's already theirs, as if they've already obtained it, so they want to keep it close to themselves. Now the question is: is everything we believe always good for us? Not at all! We don't get what we want, or we don't get it immediately. That very deprivation or delay might be exactly what we need, though we don't understand it at first. The fact that dreams or desires don't come true instantly saves us from many unwanted situations. Many people can't properly digest gains that come before their time. And then again, when the time isn't right, many achievements can't be put to use at all, making those gains worthless.

I know the color of love is blue. I love writing in my diary. So I'm writing my thoughts in the color of love. Nothing much happened today. Let's see what happens tomorrow! I'm waiting to see what happens to me tomorrow. This waiting—this is what it means to be alive.
At day's end, exhausted, I want no one but myself. I need only myself, though there's this small comfort: every night before sleep, for at least thirty minutes, I get the entire nocturnal world to myself, shaped by my own will. At day's end, exhausted, I want only myself. Actually, at the end of each day, beside oneself, one never finds anyone but oneself. By that measure, all human beings are fundamentally alone.
Hatred and love can never coexist. One cannot hate someone they love. And once hatred enters toward someone, they can never be loved again. This is a strange rule—only hypocrites and the selfish can escape from it.
This constant solitary time I spend with paper no longer feels good. I don't know what lies ahead, what I'll do. The neglect I receive from everyone has become unbearable. I think if I had a job, I could move far away from everyone. Then again, I wonder—if I just had a job, would anyone treat me with such neglect? Once you get a job, you don't have to run away from everything and everyone. Those who have jobs also have respect. I'm doing fine, actually—quite well! The only trouble is I'm resting too much. Just resting doesn't feel good. When you're only resting, all the troubles, all the wounds from wrong times keep returning to mind. Consequently, scattered thoughts enter my head, and my pen gives birth to scattered thoughts.
It's true! What do I know of the future! Do I know what tomorrow will bring to my life? Maybe what I'm fearing today, or thinking while watching others' lives that my fate will be similar—maybe none of that will happen in my life! Maybe my life will be a little different from all those other people's lives. Maybe I'll be very happy, and everyone will want to be happy themselves just by looking at me. Yet like a fool, what kinds of fears I harbor every moment! My future probably won't be anything like what everyone thinks—there's something good in my destiny.
I foolishly torment myself with these needless fears, and a thousand thoughts crowd my mind, leaving me despondent. What I might become tomorrow, what I might not — none of this can always be foretold today. Tomorrow, when it arrives, will reveal its own nature. There's really nothing worth such anxiety.
Sometimes I feel that this paper is to blame for all the suffering in my life! When times grow unbearably difficult, when I find myself lost with no path in any direction, no one comes to take my hand and stay beside me, saying, 'Don't be afraid, I'm right here with you!' No one says, 'Why worry so much? I'm here!' And for this alone, I blame the paper! Through good times and bad, whatever may come, only this paper has remained as my companion. If there were no paper, I would have nothing to pour my heart's sorrows into. Then, perhaps, finding no refuge even in sorrow, I might have stopped inviting grief into my life out of fear — chasing it away cleverly before it could arrive! Because paper exists, I don't fear receiving sorrow; I give all my grief a home on paper with such ease. Sometimes it pains me terribly to see how even blood relations seem to calculate, each understanding their own transactions perfectly well. All relationships feel bitter and fragmented at times. Everyone seeks their accounting, looks after their own interests. Only I am the fool — I understand nothing. Truly, I have no one but myself. The moment they see me laughing freely, see that I'm well, everyone rushes with envy to snatch away even that small happiness of mine.
These days, no one hesitates to speak hurtfully. I don't know where my life is taking me. Uncertainty everywhere, yet somehow I'm holding onto life! I simply cannot understand which direction life is actually pulling me! Stumbling again and again, life changing course repeatedly, breaking apart in pain only to try rebuilding everything anew, forgetting it all! Sometimes I desperately want to surrender! What's this obsession with remaining absorbed in life? Let it go wherever it wishes! But the next moment I think — I will not be defeated, I will not let life triumph over me. What kind of life would that be, a life that loses to life itself? A life defeated by life has no value. O God, I am truly weary now! I no longer enjoy chasing after anything. Take me wherever You wish. I have no preferences of my own, no judgment of my own. Do what is best for me. I can no longer think for myself!
And so, through joy and sorrow, in season and out, with countless memories, the pages of one Anila's diary will fill in time. Perhaps they will keep filling even when I no longer sketch my sorrows.
Through my absence I will make you understand that I, too, existed. When I was here, you did not understand me. You neglected me, thought me worthless. One day you will realize I was not worthless. You will understand that by neglecting me, you made the greatest mistake of your life. All day long, endless tears, a burning chest. I keep weeping and thinking — I had some hurt feelings, but you never understood me.
I never got entangled with you thinking I'd have to explain myself with such elaborate calculations. I wanted to remain good, you wouldn't let me. You forced me to make you understand that I too existed, but you failed to grasp it. Each day when I grew weary of your behavior time and again, once night passed I'd forget everything and convince myself that people do make mistakes! Even then you assumed that what you deserved was payment for your neglect. You thought it all through and accepted everything on that basis. Despite seeing no fault of my own, I endured everything day after day. From now on you'll understand it all—my absence will teach you that I was here all this time, and you never understood me, never even tried to understand.
Those who make too many promises, who casually offer various kinds of assurances at every turn—understand this: their heads are completely empty. Believing such people's words is like stepping into a river with both feet together to measure its depth. If you can't swim, you'll surely drown.
I walked the streets alone for a long time. Many questions arose in my mind, and finding no answers, I consoled myself a thousand ways, somehow constructing makeshift rationales in response to each question. I kept wondering—in all these instances of my disconnection from various parts of life, was there no fault of my own? Was there some lack in my efforts? What was my mistake? Asking myself a thousand times seemed utterly futile! No new answers emerged from within, only the same old responses and consolations repeating themselves. Much of what had remained in my life despite being unwanted has now departed. Some things left because none of it was ever truly mine, and precisely because it wasn't mine, it found some excuse to slip away. Perhaps I too bore some fault in this, but why life gave me no answers, why I received no response despite asking so many questions—I don't know. Whatever has happened to me and whatever will happen to me, I'll accept it all from now on. I won't ask life for anything new. I'll never again tie my heart to new hopes and ask for anything for myself. I have lost, I accept it. I surrender, I broke down so easily! Are you all happy now?
I will no longer maintain any connection with myself. I don't want injustice. I don't accept everything. There's no place for me in this world only where nothing but injustice can be seen. All this time I've given hope to the despairing people around me, taught them to walk new paths in life, and today I myself am defeated and exhausted! How can I keep myself alive with false hopes—I don't know. Must I then spend my entire life giving everyone false assurance to live on a foundation of lies? Better to leave all that aside! I won't give anyone false hopes about life anymore. Since my own dreams remain unfulfilled, how can I teach them to trust in falsehoods? The path I don't know myself—whether following it or having faith in it will work or not—how can I advise others to walk that way? This won't do. It's better that everyone learns to survive somehow on their own. That's much better. Often when we try to do good, it turns out badly instead. Dreams that aren't meant to be fulfilled—I'll never show such visions to anyone again.
Still I thank God for not creating a perfect world for me. I must survive, I simply must. No matter how harsh and unbearable the circumstances that come until death, I must fight and live. This struggle, this game of survival — this is what life is.
I don't know what else to write in my diary now. I used to be able to guess what would happen if I did this or that, but now I can't even do that anymore. I've become somehow unknown to myself. But it won't do to remain like this. I must know myself, understand myself. I have to rise much higher. I must learn to live, to be happy. I must understand what's good for me by myself, otherwise life will cheat me according to its rules and wither me away, for life cheats those who cheat themselves. Strange but true, I am no longer the same as before — I have changed myself greatly. I have learned to be well by myself. I have learned to walk alone on the path. Nothing really frightens me anymore. I fear my sense of self-respect. I have also come to know this: everything that God has taken from me, He will return. Perhaps I will get back many times more than what was taken. I will receive it when the time comes. No one receives anything before their time. If someone receives something before their time, they cannot hold onto it.
I was never truly alone, because I was always with myself. I understood that if I spend all of life's savings, all love in one specific place, I might suffer a great pain from there that could never be fulfilled in exchange for anything. This is why I learned from life never to confine all emotions to one place — doing so brings nothing but harm to oneself. I also learned that no matter what bad things happen to me, no matter what injustices occur, I will never let them affect me. It only causes self-harm. Actually, there's no benefit in wallowing in sorrow, so no matter what suffering comes, one must always try to keep oneself calm and steady, overcoming that time's restlessness beforehand. If a person, in their difficult time, can simply control their restlessness and not make any immediate decisions, I'm certain that no disaster can overwhelm them.
Suffering must be conquered alone. There is joy in this, there is strength. When we endure suffering completely alone and cross that path entirely by ourselves, only then do we gain true strength, and when other problems or difficult moments surround us again, we realize how much stronger we have become compared to before and have acquired the power to gradually solve our own problems ourselves. Then we truly gain real strength. That makes our character even more resilient. What does a person live for? I don't know. I know that a person must live, and I've also learned that if one must live, then I will live keeping myself happy in all circumstances and never live like the dead until actual death. I will simply be myself. I am an extraordinary person — I will make myself understand this, awaken strength within myself, and keep trying even if it costs my last drop of blood.
I will never accept defeat before I have actually lost.
You think you're something special! I am even more than that! My very sleep has fled to the pure realm of unfamiliar thoughts I myself have created! Well, I can't quite recall exactly how old I was when this habit of diary-writing began. Was it sixth grade or seventh? I can't remember precisely. How much has been written and finished in between! When I can't sleep due to needless anxiety, I think: why not just open another diary and write down some thoughts! What's the harm? Lately, my hands and feet suddenly turn cold and numb. Then the entire world feels strange somehow. Like right now — I'm sleepy, very sleepy, yet I can't fall asleep because of worry. Whatever happens, I want to solve all problems in every moment of my life completely alone, by myself. I want to build myself in such a way that no difficult moment ever seems difficult to me. I have become so strong now that I hardly feel the need for anyone else's help in any task. I will do this for life! I will solve all the problems of my life one by one, by myself. I will not surrender before I have lost.
It will hurt, and even after the pain, I will have to emerge from it — and I will emerge! What was never mine can never become mine. This is the truth, and I must accept it. Not caring what others think, but decorating myself the way I want to — that's how I must do it, and I won't look for any imaginary flaws in myself, nor will I let others' inflicted pain touch me. No one has ever come to lift my spirits. No one has come to check how I'm doing. No one has even wanted to know such things. Friends and acquaintances all knew my heart wasn't feeling very good. Relatives could sense that my spirits lately weren't what they used to be. Everything has become abnormal; nothing is moving at my natural pace. Something is missing within me, yet no one has come to make me feel better. At the end of the day, everyone has looked after their own interests. Perhaps they are right; perhaps they did exactly what they should have done. They are the ones who are right, because I now understand that one's happiness always belongs to oneself.
If it had been my destiny to have her, I would have gotten her long ago. Even though the pain of not having her makes me want to end everything, I will do none of these things. I will live for myself alone. I must have the mental preparation to spend the coming days with myself. I did not come into this world just to leave without purpose. I will do something in this world such that people will remember me even after death.
Here I am, alone, and I am actually well. If I worry about what will or won't happen in the future, I won't be able to live in peace at all; my mind will become useless from this single thought alone. When the people around me are constantly fighting with life and practically struggling not to survive, then I realize that I am quite well. I am well with myself; I am purely well with myself. When life pulls in whatever direction it chooses, one must accept that direction and find contentment — this is the only way to stay well. Otherwise, dwelling on untimely dark thoughts, I would die completely of anxiety.
Who will come into my life, why hasn't anyone come yet, why can't I find someone truly good who speaks to my heart, why doesn't anyone come to my side, why am I alone, when will I get a job, when will I become prosperous, when will I become more beautiful, when will my fortunes turn... if I keep thinking about all this, I'll truly die! And the people around me will think I'm crazy and drift away. Of course, why wouldn't they think that? If I constantly burden others with these matters, if I trouble everyone with what's churning in my mind, then naturally everyone will think I'm mad! Using what's in your own head to annoy others or force them to worry is the work of worthless people.
Why do I keep trying to win everyone's heart and approval? Why don't I just remain as I am? If I mold myself to please others instead of following my own heart, one day I'll grow weary and return to my own place, my own style. And those people whose hearts I tried to win through all this pretense—they'll abandon me then, and I'll be alone again. Better that I remain as I am; that's what's good for me. This way, those who love me as I am, just as I am, will stay by my side forever. These are the people I want in my life. I don't need the rest now, nor will I need them later. Even if I do, I'll learn to manage without them. And yes, needlessly presenting yourself as cheap and crazy to everyone is truly foolish, because they'll never understand me as I am. They won't understand my heart. What's happening to me, what's going on in my mind—they'll understand none of it. Everyone, after everything, does what comes to their own mind, thinks what they want to think. So why should I demean myself before everyone? Why should I become everyone's laughingstock? When I'm happy, I'll be happy with myself. When I cry, I'll cry alone with myself. When nothing feels good, I'll do whatever I feel like doing. Without giving space in my mind to anyone else's words, I'll always live with the present. Neither the past nor the future is before me at this moment. I won't worry needlessly. None of this is in my hands anyway. The past is gone, I don't know what the future holds. If that's the case, then why should I think about those two? This only increases anxiety. I have only my present in my hands. Only today exists for keeping myself happy. I'll always stay well on my own, won't cheapen my existence to anyone, won't let myself become cheap to anyone. Whatever anyone thinks, I'll always keep myself well. I'll never hope that someone else will keep me well.
I am a fool. Some ass will come into my life again, and having found him I'll remain restless with the fear of losing him. And then in that fear, whatever he says, I'll follow word for word, and he'll spin me around like a top, thinking of me as that same fool. If I become such a fool in front of him after this, then let me just die. Otherwise I won't learn my lesson, and if I don't learn my own lesson, I won't be able to teach him either.
When we tell someone, "I'll show them," we must keep in mind that I can only show them when I have first shown myself—never before that. One who cannot slap oneself has no right to slap another.
Something strange is happening to me. Whenever I see an opportunity before me, or catch wind of some hidden treasure, I begin waiting for someone whose hand I can hold to seize that opportunity or treasure. Why can't I remain as myself? Why do I want to remake myself according to others' whims? I keep searching for someone after my own heart, searching and searching, and because I don't find them, I grow more frustrated by the day. Does this make any sense? I want freedom from this exhausting state. I've even seen it happen—perhaps someone comes into my life who is perfect for me. What do I do then? I become eager to seek the opinions of people around me about how they'll be for me, what they're really like, whether they're good or bad, and so on and so forth. And then? Different people make different comments about them, I take each one seriously, start picking out common points based on those opinions, and end up confusing myself. Eventually, I don't let them enter my life at all. Later I cry thinking of them, I regret. Then those same people around me find my condition amusing—they stay busy with their own lives, none of them has time to worry about whether I live or die.
I'm willing to die in order to live. If living like one should live brings even the fear of death, I'll conquer both myself and death. I may live with anxiety and restlessness for some time, but I won't fear death—I'll keep myself together and pull myself forward. Since we must live anyway, it's better to keep ourselves busy with life's various arrangements during our time of being alive. Sometimes I think love is a curse. If you want to harm someone, then by any means necessary, make them fall in love! Those who love have the devil with them!
The person who will know all the unspoken events of my life and still only love me, and will stay with me unhesitatingly in love from the beginning of a new life until drawing their last breath, who will know all my weaknesses but not wound me—I will marry that person.
I have never seen myself shrivel up this much before. Never seen myself collapse this completely. Something is happening to me. What exactly I should do, which path to take, what to accept and what to reject—everything is filling up with invisibility and uncertainty. I can clearly see myself as helpless, which I never was before. This me is a stranger to me. I had never seen this me before. Though I didn't want to lose them, they were lost. Even after a hundred attempts, I can no longer find them now. Whether I had something more to do—I truly cannot understand.
I don't know whether Keya, who decided to leave her household and live alone with her child, will be able to bear this ordeal at all. Perhaps seeing me gave her the courage to make such a decision, but how far she'll actually be able to keep herself strong and healthy—I don't know.
But I will try my utmost to help her from my side, because I have now learned to handle these things. Getting through these days is easy for me. I will stand by her and offer every kind of counsel to help her overcome the initial shock.
I accepted her words that day only because I had to accept them, since in that situation I had no option to do anything, say anything, or ask anything. I don't know why I became paralyzed that day and there was nothing I could do. It was truly a very awkward situation, but there wasn't time then to endure it patiently. What you are compelled to do, you must do. And in such cases, if you try to show defiance, there would be no victory at all—rather, it would mean grinding your own values into the dust, which I have never done consciously. 'Why' is a worthless word. Not everything has a why. I will not use it unnecessarily. Not everything in the world can be answered with 'why.' Not all the 'whys' in the world truly have answers. There are many 'whys' whose answers could take a whole lifetime to seek, but the answers would never be found. It's better to accept them and move forward.
Today my honors third-year results came out, but I still don't know what the result is. Though I'm a bit anxious about this, I'm not disappointed, because whatever was meant to happen has already happened. Now there's no reason to be disappointed about these things. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't change it. Until I get it in hand, there's nothing to worry about. If I had to worry, I should have done so before the results came out.
Today I received an old wound again. Those I trust the most are the very ones who don't honor that trust. Today the results came out and I checked my result and immediately checked my friend's as well. What I saw was hurtful, because what she described about the results yesterday evening doesn't match this at all. That such a trusted friend of mine could tell such a big lie to me—I truly didn't think this was possible. What good did this do her? Was there any benefit at all? Why did she fabricate and put on an act of being upset, saying her results wouldn't be good, that she hadn't studied anything, and that she had done very poorly on the exam? Was I going to take away her good results, or could I? I learned another lesson from my life: that the person I trust blindly enough to let them show me the way, the person whose good I want—they will be the first to harm me, to give me false information. Well, why am I getting so angry? Why can't I stand her? Is it because my result turned out worse than hers? Or is it because she gave me false information despite being my close friend? I often receive old wounds anew. Why do I receive them? Why can't I remove that old version of myself from within me—the one that only brings me sorrow?
What should I do? Even if you come now, I might not be able to accept you anymore, because I have lost both my faith and trust in you.
Just as and for the same reasons I was compelled to let Piyas go, or just as in the end I couldn't trust him even a fraction, I feel no faith in you either. I don't know where life is taking me. Perhaps what's happening to me is what's good for me, what's right for my life. So I tell God: give me the strength to change what I myself cannot change. What I cannot change, let me accept it even if it brings suffering. And for what I can change, give me strength and show me the way. I still cannot understand anything about where my destiny is pulling me. Everything appears invisible, unclear, blurred.
From within, everything wants to float up. One by one, everything comes before my eyes. Seeing it, I am finished, only questions arise in my mind: what will he be like? What I cannot become, will he ask me to be just that? These very questions destroy me. I just want to forget myself. I have decided that even if I do no wrong, if he gives me pain, punishes me, I will say to him with a smile, "You can only do this with me!" Well, hearing such words from my mouth, will he burst into laughter?
Never mind! I will be just as I am. I will be exactly as I am. What I love and what suits me, I will live with those things. The task isn't easy, I know. I also know that everyone must learn everything through this difficult path, and as he is, at day's end he remains just that. A person like him is one and only! In this world, one person never matches another person. Never! That's why I have never blindly imitated anyone, I'm not doing it today, and I will never do it in the future. I am as I am. No one needs to be enchanted by me. If they must be, then they must accept me as I am and be enchanted. Or they must truly know about me and then be enchanted or annoyed. Who thinks what about me or doesn't think what—I don't care. I didn't come to this world to impress anyone. If someone does get impressed, then that's their personal problem. For that, to keep them in that state, I cannot dance to please their mind. There's no need to understand what I'm like. I'll be happy if I'm simply not misunderstood.
Life is like this! Life is not very easy, at least not as easy as one might hope. Life is also not so difficult that we should live in fear of it. Life is something in between all this, neither too easy nor too difficult. There's nothing about this life to be so serious about. Whether you take life seriously or not, life will remain the same. My faith, my trust, my strength—everything is in one Creator. He dwells in my heart. Speaking with Him means speaking with the person within me. This connection with the heart is what prayer or worship is called. In prayer I say: in this difficult test of life, in these difficult moments, I want to move forward trusting only You. I want to live holding onto You. Protect my honor, strengthen my faith even more. If I lose faith in You, I will be destroyed, my life will be finished.
Help me in this difficult moment, show me the way, have mercy on me. Since suffering has come into life, it will surely take time for this condition to change! May I be able to maintain patience, to keep myself intact. May I be able to move forward with your help.
This way, right after such intense suffering, everything will be set right. This way, one day after this, all paths of suffering will come to an end. Perhaps true happiness comes only after suffering. I don't know who you are. Whoever you may be, please come quickly into my life! Enough waiting! I'm truly in great pain... all these futile emotions of mine! Again and again I feel that I won't let anyone conduct experiments with my life. I won't allow myself to become a laboratory guinea pig. I understand all this, really. Yet, while the mind may change easily, the heart can never be changed!
Now a new fear is working within me. I'm afraid that if I remain stuck in such decisions, I might eventually face financial crisis, which would force me to retreat from my goals. I'm anxious, but not absent-minded. A solution will emerge and I must find it, I myself must do it. However, there exists preliminary uncertainty here, and there are also apprehensions in the preparatory phase. From now on, in doing every task, I will proceed thoughtfully and honestly, maintaining proper clarity. I will keep myself determined to continue in that manner. I don't want any event that happened to me today or in the past, or anything trivial, to deprive me of any very important position or responsibility in my future, to pull me back and tear me down. In this regard, when expressing myself or in matters of my personal life, I might lose, or my character, integrity, and value-based issues might be questioned. And if that happens, I will be stuck. Keeping oneself open like a letter isn't very difficult, but in such cases one must always remain steadfast in decisions, which I couldn't do properly in past days. However, these don't seem likely to create too much trouble, because my current record is sufficiently strong and logical.
A life without apprehension perhaps throws a person into even more anxiety. I have never played games with my life, and the more I have judged it by paying the ultimate price, the more I have been compelled to dive deeper into certain matters. I'm not addicted to the quantity of happiness; rather, I'm addicted to the quality of happiness. Life is diverse, which is why one must keep oneself prepared for all kinds of diversity. Let me say one thing: when something grows too tall, it breaks in storms. This has always been happening; according to the rules, this is what will happen. I hope that one day the situation will completely change, everything will be the opposite of what it is now. It will be, it must be! This is the rule, this is how it has always been. There will be no exception this time either.
(To be continued...)