The Name of Familiar Emptiness

I welcome you into the unknown chapter of my life.

I've been thinking — I truly have no one I can call my own. I used to call him all the time, spoke whenever I could, cried so many nights. In those university days I was restless and scattered, you know! A thousand small feelings would lodge themselves in my throat when it came to him.
He hurt me terribly too, though if I hadn't allowed it, he never could have —
the mistake was probably mine.

Perhaps the most bewildering feeling in the world is this — failing to sense the presence of someone who loves you. I can ignore people even when they sit right beside me — close enough to touch. I possess this strange ability.
I call it "strange" in this sense — just think!
The person sits beside me, loves me, yet I cannot feel their presence at all.
And they never knew — I never loved them back. It was one-sided, from their end.

Still, at one point I felt tremendous tenderness for them. And right then I understood —
once again, the mistake was mine.

Once, in the old days, through various pretexts they made me promise —
I could never leave them of my own will. If I had to go, I'd need their permission.
I found myself in a strange predicament —
my mind said flee; my heart wanted to stay.
Emotion is such a troublemaker —
I gave my word that day.
And even now, they won't let me go.

Of course, they don't know most truths about my life.
If they did, surely they would have freed me by now.
Though I know —
they're not freeing me for their own need.

Once I had a terrible accident.
12:30 at night.
Since I lived off-campus I couldn't stay in the dorm.
They came and took me to the hospital.
I heard they covered a thirty-minute journey in just five minutes.
My lip needed stitches — you can't tell now if you look.
That day they never once looked at me.
Blood makes them terribly afraid.
But seeing them in the hospital corridor, I felt such tenderness.

Tenderness — is this feeling relative?
Even that tenderness somehow faded over time.
Again, perhaps the mistake was mine —
a mistake in understanding.

Much of time has passed.
Some of their behavior hurt so deeply it became unbearable.
How many nights I wept —
they never checked on me, never gave me time.
Things received without asking are never properly valued, are they?

This time I decided —
however painful, I would cut all contact with them.
I'd forgiven them many times before — this was nothing new.
I left the city.
Went to an unknown city and touched the soil of reality.

And then...
In all this tumult, where was I?
Had I ever kept time to think about myself?
Right then, one chapter of life changed —
with your arrival.

Who are you, this 'you'?
Whom I'd never touched, never seen before!

One afternoon —
I was thinking, what if this mobile phone didn't exist!
To cut all connections, I'd have to throw it away first.
Why must I be the one crying over old conversations?

Alas! Even now I didn't understand —
the one who claimed to love me, I never loved them.
Is 'love' then merely a word?

One must become empty to find fullness.
With this faith I erased everything old.
The very next moment, what happened —
completely turned my life around.

That moment was my life's turning point.
Like in stories there's a time when everything shifts,
just so you came into my life —
scattered everything, then set it all right again.

You are someone for whom I learned to think of life anew.
I've placed you on the highest throne of my silence.
Yes, I love you tremendously —
a love without expectations.
In its strength I find myself,
find courage to keep myself alive.

You are my teacher, my intimate companion,
dear friend, sole partner of my thoughts.
The greatest gift of my life.

You are my temple,
my house of worship.
I've brought vastness to my heart by giving myself shelter at your feet.
Gods cannot be touched — peace lies in feeling alone.
So I decided —
in this life I would hold no expectation of having you near.

You will remain only in the depths of my wound —
that pain which is mine alone.
All truths of my life
you alone have touched.
You've sheltered me in your heart's depths —
in silence's spell, which no one else can cast.

Those intense feelings that race through your eyes,
the day you chose me as their guardian —
since that day I have loved you.
Felt you.
That love is an invisible force —
I first realized this touching you.

Suddenly my heart recoiled at worldly thoughts —
then I understood,
I truly have no one I can call my own,
except this self.

You had said —
"I am you, you are me."
You spoke truly.

In this life I belonged to no one —
except you, no one else could touch me.
Is the touch of love always so deep?

You know!...
My heart feels terribly empty today.
It seems —
something is missing.
I searched and found —
I am absent from your feeling.