The House Where They're Forbidden to Enter

Whenever I sit down to write to you, I wonder—
where does all this tenderness come from? What more can I write about you!
You are that room of mine where I can slip in whenever I wish, utterly at ease!
I live within you—what barrier could there be between us!
Your chest...is my pillow—there I rest my head, there I voice my complaints!
I have nothing to call my own—whatever is mine belongs entirely to you!
Just place that hand...right here in the center of my chest...
Feel for yourself—only you exist there!
Because I want to know you, I dig into my own heart!
Dig civilization and you find history, dig the ocean and you find shells,
dig the moon and you get only pebbles...dig into me...let nothing else be found,
you will surely, surely find yourself there!
 
What could I possibly write about you, tell me!
I have words in my head...not many though...just a few,
I sit to write, they all run out, and then I'm thoroughly defeated by myself!
Standing by the sea, I draw the shore,
with dawn's alphabet of light, I draw frost,
floating on the river's breast, I draw water,
wandering hills and forests, I draw trees,
swallowing pain with laughter, I draw the face of blue sorrow,
lost in nightmares, I still draw dreams of golden days,
keeping hunger in my belly, I carefully draw sleep,
eye to eye with the sky, I draw stars with my brush,
seeing sunshine, I draw clouds floating like cotton,
when I love the wrong person, I draw tenderness with tears...
Whatever comes to mind, whatever floats before my eyes, whatever smiles on my lips...
ink and pen...paintbrush takes it all so easily onto paper's back!
Yet why...when I write about you...even with great effort...
do letters and understanding run out! Truly I don't know why!
Perhaps you are too vast...can these small hands hold so much?
 
For so long I had been a stranger in my own home!
The day you became mine, this house too became truly mine,
that day all my needs seemed to end!
All my troubles and sorrows, pain and weariness, anger and grievances, dreams and longings, joy and peace...
they all found a place...they got an address!
Now I can live without worry...carefree!
No more fear of losing all that!
When I slip into you like this...day or night...to store it all away,
don't you really sense it...not even a little?
 
When moonlight floods outside...then I think, today's a holiday!
Today I'll drench myself in moonbeams with you to my heart's content!
I stay busy just thinking of you...busy when morning comes,
busy when noon calls, busy when afternoon slips into evening,
even then terribly busy...when night falls there's no rest...still so busy with you!
Everyone gets holidays...everyone goes somewhere on holidays...then they tidy their homes,
wash clothes, lovingly decorate their doors...where are my such holidays?
Am I not allowed to rest? Not allowed to hear the holiday bell?
Don't I have a home of my own? No work to do in that home?
Must my body never feel tired? Must this heart never go wandering?
 
Let me have one holiday today!
Today I'll stay home all day...paint you in splashes of color.
Tell me, on the days when you're on holiday too,
do you ever, by mistake, paint me?
Today I'm truly cross with you!
You send me so many gifts home,
why don't you send your touch instead?
Those things don't carry your scent,
so what use are they to me?
 
Today let me spend the whole day quarreling!
Let me pass the day till night in complaints and sulking!
Tell me, don't you ever want to see me?
To sit beside me, move a little closer, touch me a bit, gaze into my eyes...
The one you call crazy like that—don't you want to hear her speak, not even once?
When I ramble on endlessly like this, don't you want to scold me quiet?
You're such a strange thing! You say nothing, want nothing...don't you have questions?
If you don't, then all these answers inside me...to whom shall I give them? I have no one else!
Today is my holiday, sir...so I'm fighting to my heart's content!
 
Look, your nose is flat, your cheeks are quite chubby too!
Are the corners of your eyes squinting? And your hair—I see half of it's gone!
This boy! Why are you so fat like an elephant?
Why do you walk with your neck down, isn't your back hunched?
Where's the beard behind that chin? Where did you get this shirt...where?
Your pants look shabby too! Your shoes have no laces! Do shops give such things free?
This boy, why are you silent? Don't you have teeth? Do you stutter when you speak?
Look, don't you ever quarrel? Don't you bother picking fights with me?
 
Tell me, why are you like this? Come, let's have a fight!
A tremendous, fierce fight! Then I'll cry my heart out!
Rain will pour down in torrents! After fighting with you I'll deliberately lose!
I love you so! When you love, you quarrel,
when you quarrel, you cry, when you cry...you have to lovingly mend the hurt feelings!
Silly boy! When you're in love, you must know all this!
You know everything...yet you don't show it! If I start crying,
will you laugh at me then? Or will you call me close and lovingly
make up?
...Oh, how wonderful...such a holiday...when will it come?
 
That day I'll take leave from the office.
That day I'll love with abandon,
blind man's bluff, hide and seek...we'll play everything!
I'll rub my nose against your chest,
burst your belly with one punch,
bite the back of your neck,
wrap my fingers around your body!
If another day we quarrel again,
if an ocean of tears flows, then I'll dress up beautifully in a sari!
I'll fill my hands with henna, braid my hair with care,
put alta on both feet...and wait for you to come.
Before that henna's deep color washes away in water...
that day please come home a little early!
Seeing me, hold me close, caress me, whisper softly in my ear...
Silly girl! Do good girls cry like this, pouting their lips, puffing their cheeks?
 
This room of mine is quite large, you know?
How large? As large as a whole world!
If you don't come, how will I fill this big room?
Tell me, why don't you quarrel? Don't you have any demands at all?
No anger with me? No sense of loss even when I don't come?
...Don't you feel drawn to me?
If you do, why don't you show it? Why hide it?
Wait, let there be a holiday...you'll see then
how I touch love itself!
 
When you stay silent, when I get no answer to words,
then I cry so much! You understand so much math—why don't you understand hurt feelings?
Look, one day I'll simply run out!
That day all my words will run out too!
That day you'll be free, independent...still...
please keep my room decorated with care!
That room is so very dear to me...give it
affection from time to time...don't break it down, don't burn it,
shelter it in your chest with love and tenderness!
Let only you remain there!
Let no one else mistakenly slip in!
You alone understand what that room is like...don't let anyone else understand!
Just as now, so then too...that room is mine...only mine alone!