The heart only goes to ruin

 
Sunidhi, the day I become powerless,
that day I'll come straight to your house.
I won't trouble you at all, won't interfere with any of your work.
I'll just watch you and feel you. From very close.
This is one wish of mine.


My heart lies always at your feet.
I listen to songs you love, read what you like to read.
The time I spend thinking of you,
all of it, I am terribly happy, Sunidhi.


After returning from office, freshening up... I keep looking at your paintings.
A Sunidhi's face, her eyes while painting, her smile or steady gaze,
...bringing these to mind, tears come to my eyes.
I feel as though I'm severed from everything else...
only rushing toward you.
I know this isn't right. Still I can't pull myself away. I suffer so much.


Why am I losing so much control... over myself?
Before, when I was sometimes alone, with myself, then,
what work I had left, how quickly I had to finish it,
these were the things I'd think about. And now? I only think of you!
Thinking of you I fall asleep,
waking too, I think of you, only of you...


But I understand everything, and very clearly too!
Yet that understanding does no good. I wonder
why I'm carrying so much of you within me.
When I have so much work to do, so much to bring to mind, to keep there... Sunidhi!


Why am I writing you all this? Don't you really understand?
I want to see you,... I'll never write these words again, that's why.
Why should my heart turn bad if I don't see you?
What a strange person I am! Someone who doesn't have me in her head at all,
thinking of her I'm driving myself mad!


Sunidhi, why aren't you leaving the house? Why, tell me...!
I keep saying... I miss you! Why can't you understand?
Of course, just because I want something doesn't mean you will too,
there's no such rule. Still,
after so many days I said, come!... you didn't come.
Such refusal increases my anguish...


From today I won't complain anymore. Won't get angry either.
Even if I miss you I won't say so. Won't ask to see you anymore.
I won't make a single mistake, you'll see!


This person! But now I'm going to scream...!!