The Grammar of Disconnection / Part One

- Hello! Yes, tell me, what happened?
- Can you come to my place right now?
- Now! So late at night! It's already past eight! Besides, the house is empty. How can I leave the house empty and come out so late? Should I come tomorrow morning?
- No, however you can, please come right now. I can't take it anymore. I'm suffocating.
- Why? What happened? And why are you crying? Okay, hang up the phone. I'm coming.
- Okay, come quickly!
- What's wrong with you? You've turned off all the lights and are lying here. Why are you crying again? What happened, tell me!
- I couldn't stay away anymore. I didn't talk to Shahriyar at all today. I kept all phones off and lay down the whole day. I've been trying so hard, but I just can't stay without him.
- What's there about not being able to stay without him? If you have to stay without him, then you'll have to leave him. Try, and it'll work out. What's there to take so seriously? Why, what happened? Did they say something at home again? Stop crying, tell me first, then cry.
- You all tell me to leave him. I want to too, but I can't, I just can't stay without him. Please try to understand, all of you. I'm dying. Those old problems are starting again. Ma tells everyone that if I can't leave Shahriyar, she'll disown me. She tells everyone that I'm the bad one. I don't listen to anyone at home. Everyone's life is threatened because of me. I'm bringing shame to everyone in this house in front of relatives. I never listen to anything Ma says. I always argue with Ma. Even now I'm giving everyone headaches. I'm breaking up someone else's family and then thinking about myself. Everyone's curse will fall upon me. I'll never be able to live happily—Ma tells everyone all this. She says Shahriyar isn't a good boy. She's saying bad things about him too. Now what should I do? I've been trying to leave him for a month now, but I just can't do it. Nobody at home understands what I'm going through even once, nobody at home talks to me. So what should I do now?
- You'll do what you have to do. Why, what does Shahriyar say? 
- He's asking for a little more time. He says, give me a little more time, then I'll see what can be done.
- Hmm! So? If he's asking for time, give him time. What's the problem?
- The problem is, they keep pressuring me from home, talking about the five years. Only seven or eight months are left before the five years are up. How will I manage anything in this time?
- I didn't know about this five-year thing before. Why, when they were getting you divorced from Rimon and bringing you back, did your family give you five years?
- Yes! They said from home that within five years I should do something and become independent. Now only seven or eight months are left before the five years are up. What can I do in such a short time? And Shahriyar can't do anything either. My family has told me directly that they'll never accept Shahriyar. And if I marry him, Ma will disown me. Now I'm trying so hard to leave him, but I can't. I'm getting sick. Will you please explain to them at home? What should I do? Which way should I go, you tell me!
- Listen Nilu, I'm going to tell you some things now. Let me say beforehand, don't think that I'm taking your family's side or that I'm your mother's spy telling you these things. I'm telling you completely objectively to show you where you currently stand. And when I talk to you from time to time, I keep track of you but only for your good, so that you don't suddenly do something rash. You're in a situation now where you might do something impulsive at any moment. So that you don't blindly make another mistake, that's why I'm giving you time. But I stay very busy all day. I have many kinds of work all day, plus I'm a bit busy with myself too. I don't have time at all to sit around with your nonsense issues, because I keep explaining things to you, but you're still unmoved in your position. My sister understood all these problems of yours long ago, and understanding this, she told me beforehand, let Nilu do whatever she wants, don't get involved in any of her affairs, because she's made a mistake before too. Nilu's family will later blame you for her faults. If she does something wrong, her family will go around telling people that with your help she was able to do all this. Her family can't control her themselves, can't make her understand, don't even know how to steer her away from that path, but then they blame others. Let Nilu do whatever she wants, don't you dare say anything to her, even if you're dying.
Again, my sister also said this is their family problem. When things start happening, her family gives encouragement, says nothing, explains nothing, just sits there with loose reins. Then when an accident happens, they start blaming others. Still, I keep track of you so that you can at least escape from all this. Because you're entangling yourself in a lot of unnecessary problems. And about your five years, then again I hear six months from some people—I've heard about this twice now, I never heard it before. Why didn't you mention it before? Did your family really tell you all this when they divorced you and brought you back? I haven't heard anything like this from them. When they talk to me, they don't say these things.
- Yes, they did say it. They said they'd give me five years, they'd support me. After that I'd have to manage my own affairs myself.
- Oh, I see. Even if they said that then, they said it casually. And now you're doing wrong things, even when we explain things to you, you don't understand, so they're saying this to keep you under pressure so that you'll quickly make a decision under pressure, or so that you'll move away from the mistake you're making. They're not saying it to throw you out of the house. You don't need to think anything else about it. Rather, solve the problem you're creating now.
- I'm trying to do that, but I just can't move away.
- If you need to move away, then you'll have to move away. What's there to try so much? Make a decision, then do it. That's all there is to it!
- But I can't make a decision.
- You'll have to make your own decision. Why, what does Shahriyar tell you?
- He wants a little more time.
- What do you want? What do you want?
- When you all explain, then I understand. I'm really trying hard to move away from him, still trying, but I can't live without him.
- Oh okay, fine. So what does he want?
- He wants to marry me, but he can't get rid of his wife at all. His wife doesn't want to leave him. All this time his wife has been threatening him, hitting him, beating him in front of his parents, blocking all his money, all his money in the bank is kept mutual with his wife, and he's the second nominee, so even if he wants to, he can't withdraw any money from the bank without his wife's permission. The other day he broke his laptop in anger, now he needs to fix it for IELTS, but his wife won't give him any money for this either. Even his family has stopped giving him his small allowance. And his wife sees now that despite doing all this, she can't separate Shahriyar from me, so now unable to do anything else, she's emotionally blackmailing him instead. His wife now tells him, where will I go with these two children, don't leave me. He has such a big heart, so he can't leave her. He says, if someone says this, can you leave them? Then his daughter is only four months old. Still, he's asking me for some more time. But I'm not getting any support from my family.
- Oh, what are you trying to say? You'll do whatever you want, turn the whole world upside down and only think about yourself, and your family should also support you in all this! Is your head okay? And what you're doing, are you really doing it for your own good? Are you thinking whether this will actually do you any good or not? Are you doing anything worth supporting? Why aren't your family supporting you today? You won't think about their situation, but they should accept yours—is that how it works? And are you doing anything worth accepting? How dare you blame them? They're right in their position. What are you doing for them? Don't you understand that you're really putting all of them in a threatening situation? Don't you know what Rimon is like? Don't you know how he'll pounce on your family after learning about all this? And who will handle all that then? You have only one brother, and he's in another country, so? What will you do then? He's been sitting and waiting for this day all these years. Today you want to get married, fine, do it, do it somewhere else, marry some other boy, but why this boy? The moment Rimon sees that you're marrying Shahriyar, he'll go around telling everyone, see everyone, didn't I tell you, Nilu is in a relationship with someone else?

We live together, sleep in the same bed, and you think I can't tell that my wife's heart isn't with me anymore, that it's somewhere else?
None of you believed a word I said. I'm supposedly psycho, supposedly have mental problems, supposedly eat all kinds of crazy stuff, come home drunk and beat my wife for no reason, abuse her physically—so what will you say now?... Don't you understand any of this? Do you think she's forgotten Shahriar? That she's forgotten everything from her school days? Is it that simple? School memories, every single memory from school stays with a person until they die, whether good or bad. And these matters of the heart will stick even more, because none of you are at peace mentally right now. And whenever Rimon and his family see all this, they'll laugh at your family and enjoy the show. They're just sitting there waiting to make their final move, aren't they? And you're giving them the opportunity. If you marry Shahriar and stay in this city, do you think Rimon will leave Shahriar alone? He'll cause some damage whenever he feels like it—when something happens to someone outside, who keeps track of why or how? Tell me, who will you blame then? Who will you stop? Where will you go for justice? To your family? Your family has already shown you the door. And what else? Will you complain to Rimon's parents? They won't even let you in the house, let alone listen to complaints! And what will everyone else do besides these two families, you know? Sit back and enjoy the drama, gossip about it. So in the end, who gets hurt, tell me?
"Okay, I understand, I'm wrong, but even if no one else stands by me, at least my mother will be there for me, right? Does any mother abandon her child? My mother hasn't spoken to me in so many days. She supposedly tells everyone that if I marry here, she'll disown me! No one at home talks to me anymore. I'm supposedly the bad one. No one understood that I couldn't let him go. No one tried to see things from my perspective."
"Oh really, so you'll break up someone's family, ruin three children's lives, destroy another girl your age's life, spit in the faces of your parents and your whole family to keep yourself happy, and for that you also need their blessings! Is your head screwed on right? And then you take sleeping pills and sleep all the time to make everyone at home suffer! What do you think? If your daughter did this today, what would you do? Support her? Bless her? Would you tell your daughter, 'No, my child, do whatever you're doing, even if no one else is there, I'm with you'? Won't you have to get your daughter married? You'll marry your daughter into a respectable family—tell me yourself, which boy would want to bring home a girl whose own mother isn't right? Whose mother has had fourteen marriages and bankrupted herself—who will take her daughter? And because of all your actions, your daughter will have to hear a thousand things when she goes to her in-laws' house. And why would your daughter listen to you then? Your daughter will go to her grandfather's house and won't even look for you. Have you ever thought that just to get one person, you're messing up several families? Do you understand anything? And Shahriar lived his married life all these years, never had any problems with his wife all this time, lived happily, became father to two children, and now suddenly after you came along, his old love awakened, he realized he wasn't actually happy all this time. When he went to bed with his wife, supposedly those feelings never came! Yet he became father to two children! You're his everything. Childhood love can't be forgotten... blah blah. All his feelings are supposedly overflowing when he's with you, and only now he realized that married life is impossible without feelings! If he already had problems with his wife, why didn't he leave her all these years? Why did he endure and stay with her for so long? Or is it like you need to find another job before leaving one, and he runs his marriage the same way... which is it? By the way, how old is his youngest child?"
"Four months old."
"Okay, how long have you two been in a relationship?"
"Almost three years."
"Hmm. So he had his second child while he was in a relationship with you? If he was serious about you, did the second child happen through pollination? If he was serious about you, if he had decided to marry you, why did he try to trap himself with a second child? He definitely had the fear that the marriage might break up. This is certain—he understood even then that when his wife found out that her husband had found his childhood girlfriend, got her back in his life, got involved with her, then his wife would have no problem taking their children and leaving, especially when there's a boy child... right? His older child is a boy, isn't he? And as far as I know from you before, his wife's father's family is financially well-off. Her father-in-law would have no problem supporting his daughter along with her children, and maybe that's why Shahriar was afraid of losing her, so he did the work of trapping her beforehand. But he also wants you, won't let you go, wants time with you, and then he gives speeches about humanity—doesn't the whole thing seem ridiculous? Or do you think I'll keep my eyes closed, let whatever happen happen, and believe nothing? And if there's so much love for you, why does he keep you blocked from his real Facebook ID? He even keeps you blocked from his wife's ID... fool, don't you understand anything? His wife should be keeping an eye on you instead, she shouldn't be blocking you—in fact, if she could, his wife would add you to her friend list, because his wife now knows everything about you. So what's the problem with adding you to her ID now? Oh wait, then he won't be able to share recently taken photos with his wife, his pure feelings of love for his wife with friends because you might see them, right? If you knew about those things, if you understood them, then you couldn't be kept in hand anymore, couldn't be fooled and confused with emotional talk, right? On the other hand, he has to keep his wife happy too, so he has to post pictures taken with his wife and children on Facebook. Even on this Valentine's Day, he went out with his wife and children, and if I hadn't run into them, if I didn't know, you would never have known—he hadn't told you anything before, you only found out after I told you and you asked him about it. So what was that? I'll keep the home right, and the outside will also stay right, right? Did he make you smoke weed, or did he give you some other drug? And listen, stop this nonsense whining, I'm really getting angry, I'll slap you hard any moment now."
"No, he actually loves me very much, but he can't do anything. And he didn't want the child on purpose either, it happened by mistake. He asks me how he can manage things. Now I can't understand what to do either, what to tell him to do. He doesn't have money either. His wife has deposited all his money in the bank in her name. Didn't I tell you his wife is very dangerous? After his wife found out about all this, she even raised her hand against him, even beat him, even slapped him in front of his parents. And he hasn't even joined his job yet. It seems it will take another 3-4 months to join. So if his wife goes to her father's house and files a case against him before that, how will he fight the case when he has no money? Besides, he got a government job—if his wife files a case, that might be lost too. And his parents told him they won't help him in this matter, they'll even throw him out of the house. Because if his wife files a case, she'll also file against his parents' names, and his father also works in government service.
If they file a case for violence against women, then his father's job will be lost too. And their family runs on his father's job. They have no relationship with anyone from his grandfather's family. That's why he won't take such a big risk. And in this situation, if they throw him out of the house, where will he go? He has no money, so he can't do anything. That's why he's asking me for time. He told me, even if I don't stay with him, he still won't keep this wife. Because his wife raised her hand against him. She's done this before too, humiliated him. And my point is, since he won't keep this wife anyway, what's the problem with my staying? I love him, he'll keep me happy. And his wife told him, 'Since you love Neelu and can't live without her, then marry her, marry her and keep her separately, but don't leave me, my two children will become orphans. You stay separately with her, and I'll stay with your parents.' And his parents want to keep his wife with them—let their son go, they have no problem with that. But if I marry him, I'll only do it after he divorces his wife. Otherwise, every other day they'll keep calling him using his children as an excuse, and keep trying to separate him from me. I won't let that happen."
He can give child support after the divorce if he wants to, I have no problem with that, but my problem is if he maintains a relationship with his wife. Then they'll keep pulling him back using his children as an excuse, and I'll have to endure everything, there'll be constant unrest in my household for the rest of my life. You'll see, many more problems will come.

— Hmm. Listen, don't you think your head has completely gone to pieces? Everything you've said all this time—these can't possibly be the words of a mentally sound person. You've been married for so many years, and still you couldn't understand the difference between love and marriage. You can fall in love with just anyone, but you can't make a home with just anyone. And you'll keep doing these things one after another your whole life, while your family keeps you on their heads, tolerating your mischief, carrying you along for life, bowing their heads in shame because of you, listening to people's taunts, is that it? And hearing your words, I'm truly overwhelmed. Is his wife dangerous, or are you a fool? What donkey told you that any man, especially an educated man, would earn money himself but keep it all in his wife's name? Whatever he tells you to understand, you'll blindly believe it all, right? Listen, I'm telling you, either Shahriar has no money of his own, or he's trying to make you understand through some excuse that he's trying very hard but can't manage it. Or else he's been living all this time on money given by his father and father-in-law, but couldn't tell you this.

And as far as I remember, when he was going to have a child, you told me then that his backbone had deteriorated, so the doctor told him if they wanted a child, to have one quickly, that's why they had one. And back then you were 'just friends.' I told you then, it's fine to talk to him, but don't get so deeply involved. Are you making me a fool, or are you becoming one yourself...think about this once. And if you think you'll be fine hiding all this from us, let me tell you, you'll lose everything. Too much cleverness will only harm you. Who are you hiding from? Who are we? We're all your family. And why would he ask you how to solve his family problems? What is there for him to seek advice about from you? He'll solve his problems himself. Okay fine, I understand he loves you, but why should you think about how he'll do what, how he'll solve his household problems and marry you? If he truly loves you, let him do whatever needs to be done, you can't solve his problems anyway, right? And his wife has every right to emotionally blackmail him—it's her right. And that woman is absolutely right when she says she's thinking of her two children before her own life, that's natural, because the children really would become orphans. That woman will now do whatever it takes to save her marriage, that's perfectly natural. Will she voluntarily give up her place to you, saying, "Here, I've managed all this time, now you take over?" Rather, even though it's difficult for that woman to continue their relationship now, she's carrying on this marriage with such a stupid boy just looking at those two children. Do you understand how painful it is to maintain a household with a boy who thinks of marrying elsewhere even after having two children? She already knows her husband is involved with someone else, yet she has to accept this looking at her children, silently enduring everything despite knowing it all. If you were in that woman's place, could you have continued a marriage with such a boy? You've been married once, don't you understand how helpless a person has to be to get divorced despite having children? Do I need to remind you of your own past?

— No, he didn't want to marry that woman. That woman forced him and went to his university to marry him. That woman studied at Eden, a Dhaka girl, very dangerous. He didn't want to marry at all. For two years that woman chased him around for marriage, then went to his university and made him marry her. No one in his family agreed then.

— Oh, so now you've taken on the responsibility of digging up his past history! And yes, when people fall in love, if the family doesn't initially like the relationship, they don't want to accept it at first, that's natural. Now Shahriar's family gives more priority to that woman than to him, otherwise surely his parents wouldn't want to live with their son's wife instead of their own son! And surely that boy was leading her on, that's why she forced the marriage. What happened ten years ago—that history isn't your concern now. After how many years of relationship did they marry?

— Five years.

— Hmm. They were in a relationship for five years, many things happened between them during that time, and besides, pressure from home about marriage exists more or less in every girl's family, that's probably why that woman pressured him for marriage. Otherwise perhaps that woman's family would have married her off to another family, that's why she was in a hurry.

— No, that woman is really a very bad woman. And that woman's looks are also terrible. She wouldn't have gotten married into any other good family. She knows very well that she'll never get a better boy than Shahriar, that's why she chased him around and forced him to marry her.

— Oh I see, bad looks, so the woman is also bad! And if you've already decided that you won't listen to anyone, you'll only understand what you understand or what you want to understand, then why am I talking so much? Go ahead and die! And what kind of prince is Shahriar that no other such boy can be found in all of Bangladesh, so that woman would go crazy to force him into marriage? Surely Shahriar explained all this to you? Before doing all this, did you ever think about what position you're actually in?

— Then what should I do? Does anyone in the house treat me well that I should listen to them? They nag at me all day. They constantly taunt me about food, saying that my daughter and I are living off them like parasites. I don't do anything. Everything is my fault. If they see a mobile phone in my hand, they say I lie around with the phone all day. How much anxiety I've been in for so many years, especially since the divorce—no one ever thinks about that once. The girl is growing up, what will happen to her, her father will remarry sooner or later. Now maybe because I'm not marrying, her father is also sitting idle, maybe they think I'll go back to her grandfather's house, resume married life with her father, but it's not possible for me to go there anymore. Now maybe her grandfather's family is covering all the girl's expenses, but if her father remarries, will he take care of her as much then? Then gradually he'll stop giving all the girl's expenses, how will I manage her then? What will I do, how will I move forward—no one ever thinks about the anxiety I have about this. Everyone just blames me. Only Shahriar understands me. He understands my pain, that's why he never keeps me in anxiety. And I go to him because I find mental peace with him, right? If I understood that he wanted to harm me, I would have moved away from him right then. I'm not stupid, am I? What you're all saying, what you think of him—he's not like that at all, I've known him for so long, surely I'm not wrong about him! And someone should understand my side too, right? Who understands this? Shahriar understands my side and he truly loves me, that's why I go to him. Otherwise what would I do, tell me? Besides, I couldn't leave him anyway, so what should I do? Can anyone in the world force control over one's own heart, friend, you tell me!