He saw my profile picture on WhatsApp, but since I wear a hijab, he still hadn't seen my face. He started drawing closer, and one day he talked to me about a relationship. I'm still confused about him, feeling restless, breathless. What is all this! My relationship with the first person isn't exactly fine now—before he left for abroad, I told him I couldn't maintain the relationship. He told me he'd commit suicide, so out of that fear I stayed quiet. What if he actually did something to himself! On the day of the mock trial in my eighth semester at university, the second person saw me, but he didn't see my face that day. He asked me to send him pictures from that day when I was wearing a coat. I sent them, but didn't show my face. I still remember how I used to sit alone in a quiet corner of the university back then.
Allah! What is happening to me! On one side is my previous relationship, which I still haven't escaped from, and in the middle of all that, feelings for him have developed. What should I do now! My eyes were going dark, I wanted to scream and cry. I was amazed thinking about why I had feelings for this second person! And wasn't this being unfair to the first one! When the second person proposed, I told my close friend. She said he's the same age, not established. And I don't even like him that much. Don't move forward. I told the second person exactly this. He replied, your friend is quite practical. I actually couldn't sort things out, because a man needs income to run a household. I couldn't think that deeply. Because I had never seen problems with money and all that.
I still remember sitting on our swing, telling him everything. But as always, he tried to trap me in his snare. He would tell me then that he'd become an MP, a judge. He showed such lofty ambitions. I didn't say a single big word. He was involved with Jamaat-Shibir, which meant even if he wanted to, he wouldn't get any government job. Since he was an active worker of that party—he'd given speeches at their various programs—he'd also been marked by the administration for his words. There were many allegations against him for these things. He couldn't stay at home, the police chased him. I learned all this after getting involved in the relationship.
He never told me beforehand that his life was risky. I couldn't think properly and make a decision—somehow he convinced me, and I remained silent like a ghost. I truly didn't give consent. I would tell him, you're not even established yet, so how is this possible, tell me? He would convince me with his made-up stories. But I still don't know anything about his politics. While he was gradually manipulating me, I kept telling him repeatedly, no, no, it's not possible. Something felt wrong to me, I felt restless, I didn't want a relationship, don't text me anymore, please.
Even after that, he would text me. He would wait at night until my work was finished. I couldn't judge him. Just days ago I had confidently considered him a friend, and now I was confused about him. I felt very uncomfortable, couldn't tell anyone anything. He would create such situations, drawing me so close and then somehow avoiding me again—it hurt.
At one point I became weak toward him. On one side, cracks in my relationship with that man, on the other side, such a terrible situation—which could I bear? I couldn't even understand myself, what did I want!
As this continued, one day he said he wanted to meet me. There was no plan beforehand. Evening had fallen, I picked some flowers from near Cheragi Hill and made a bouquet. After talking to him on the phone, we met with great difficulty near Cheragi Hill. He didn't see the flowers I had; then as we walked and reached the lighthouse, I gave him the flowers. He was so amazed by the surprise! We both stood there in front of the lighthouse. He looked at me with tearful eyes, so amazed, searching for words to say to me, couldn't find the language. Then he told me for the first time that he was taking farewell from something. I said, farewell from what? About what?
He told me about Jamaat-Shibir. Said he wouldn't be as active there anymore. Before I could say anything more, he silenced me. Then some police were coming... I don't like politics, so I didn't think deeply about his involvement or ask questions about all that. I just thought that like people have preferences, he too liked that party, and that's it!
That day he took a CNG for the first time and dropped me at my house, and while getting out he looked at me and said, I don't want to let you go! I was very moved hearing that, though I still wasn't that serious. I really like the gesture of giving surprises, so I would surprise him at different times. As this continued, a relationship developed. Sometimes he would somehow avoid me, and then something would stir inside me! We would often go out like this. But he still hadn't seen my face, he would joke around, play songs for me. These little things of his appealed to me so much. He would talk as if there was no second person more innocent than him.
We would roam around in rickshaws or CNGs. When I got angry, he would take me to his place and make me wait. I would always go thinking I'd have it out with him this time. When I went, he would be enchanted seeing me, because I don't wear a burqa like before anymore. What would he do—before I could say anything, he'd suddenly call a rickshaw or CNG, get in, and change the subject, silencing me. I couldn't say much either—I mean, what I'd gone to fight about.
One day we went to the airport—how I found the courage to go, I was amazed myself, he was amazed; he told me then, thank you for trusting me. He would argue a lot, I would lose to him. Somehow a change had come over me—before taking something for myself, I would think whether he had it or not. Let me mention another thing. On the days we went out, I would pay for all the wandering around. One day out would cost 700/800 taka. I never once saw him take out his wallet.
One day after roaming with me all day, he went home, and I went to the shopping mall. I really liked a tie and bought it. Now the question was, he'd gone home tired—would he come back again! I called him and said I needed some money, come quickly. After he came, I surprised him with the tie. The poor thing was amazed and said, why did you lie?
When the relationship became strong, he started telling me about his problems. He said, I'm the eldest son in the family, I have to look after everything. He would always tell me, if you can wait until I'm established, I'll send the first proposal to you. The matter felt strange to me! Why should the first proposal come up? Couldn't he say, you are my last, we'll give our utmost to unite ourselves? I expected some strong words that he never said to me.
And this would cause friction between us. We decided to do land survey coaching. Since we'd completed our honors and the idea was his, we enrolled together. On the very first day during admission, I paid a thousand taka. After barely two or three classes, he pressured me to pay the teacher. The teacher was his acquaintance. The place he took me for coaching was secluded, on the fourth floor. If any problem arose, absolutely no one would hear. Trusting this man, I had gone there with him. When he was pressuring me about the money, he didn't have money then—that's what he was making me understand. So I brought ten thousand taka from home, it was Eid season. Since he doesn't earn money, his father had come from abroad and was now unemployed, so thinking of him like my own parents, I told him, give four thousand taka worth of gifts to them from my side, and give the remaining six thousand taka to the teacher. When I gave him the money, he flashed a devilish smile. I felt suspicious then.
Anyway, let me tell you about Sir now. Sir used to mentally harass me a lot. Since he taught math at the land survey coaching center, and I hadn't done any tutoring for four years or even touched the math subject, I was having trouble with math. If someone suddenly asked me the multiplication table of 29, how could I possibly know! Sir would scold me in such ways, and then he'd laugh. Tears would come to my eyes. And he'd pretend not to see even when he saw. After we left the coaching, he'd tell me, "How can this work! If you can't do anything, then what!"
My heart didn't want to hear these words. I'd say, "I was hoping for your support." Anyway, the suffering was increasing day by day. Whenever we met, I'd pay for lunch and treat him to expensive meals. I'd travel such a long way to see him. I'd be so hungry, having gone so far and sitting in the restaurant, I'd show him that I wasn't hungry at all. I'd eaten at home before coming out. And there he was, eating comfortably, not even offering me food. So many days passed like this! From the beginning, he never had any affection for me, which I had never thought about in that way.
There was a reason behind my not showing my face. I had a small mole on my face. I'd think, would he dislike me for this? It bothered me anyway, so I decided long ago to get it removed. So I was waiting for that. A funny thing is, he also has a mole on his face. Look, I accepted him just as he was. For me, he was beautiful in every state.
For many months he hadn't seen me, now he was very annoyed. I gathered courage and went alone to get my face fixed for him. Now I could do everything. No obstacle was an obstacle anymore. He was pressuring me to meet. I planned a surprise, I had this confidence within myself that I was even more beautiful than him. So he wouldn't dislike me. When he'd see me for the first time, I thought, let me make this memorable. I planned a surprise, though I had less money then. Still, I planned it with great difficulty. I searched hard and found a rooftop restaurant by myself and made a booking. I told him, "Please wear a coat today!" On the day I was going to give the surprise, at the place I'd booked, they couldn't get red balloons for decoration. My heart sank. Then they somehow managed to arrange it. For days before, I couldn't sleep thinking about how the day would be! I'll wear this, I'll wear that, and so many other things! So much tension! What if it rained! What if we couldn't meet due to some problem!
Finally, that moment came.
7 PM, I'm standing in front of Jamal Khan Lighthouse waiting. Today my face isn't covered. I've dressed up very beautifully. He's calling. My heartbeat is rising and falling. At one point I saw he had arrived. I'm standing in front of him with flowers. He stood there with his mouth open, truly very surprised! Such a beautiful surprise!
I had arranged everything there, telling him, "Come on, let's go somewhere." He said, "Where shall we go, let's go." I said, "Wherever our eyes take us." We got into a CNG. We reached the final mission. Getting down from the CNG, I closed his eyes and took his hand to lead him upstairs. How beautifully they had decorated it there! Then we both sat down to a candlelight dinner. He was beside himself with joy, his teeth were a bit crooked, he kept praising my teeth and face again and again. Hearing his comments, I too was beside myself with joy.
For many days I'd been seeing that his wallet looked somehow faded and torn. I said, "Can you give me what I want now?" He said, "Yes, I can." I said, "I really don't like your wallet at all. Throw it away." Immediately he took everything out. And I set all his things in a new wallet. I gave him another surprise along with it. I gave him a food box, put a small photo of mine in the wallet. That day in my excitement I forgot to tell him about it. The next day I said, "There's a photo of mine in the wallet." He said, "What! How many more surprises will you give!"
Meanwhile, Eid came. Now I see he's started talking about his financial problems a lot more. He's saying he has this problem, that problem. He has to give this and that at home. For Eid, I had my semester fees kept at home, from there I took a lot of money without telling anyone and took him shopping, spending 7500 taka. Now he's saying... he'll do the household shopping, his sister studies at Chittagong University, she's married. He'll do some shopping for her, then he'll do something more for himself. I said, "Listen, the day you go, tell me, I'll come, I'll also do something for her." Four days before Eid, I went and bought him lots of groceries from the grocery shop, everything that was needed.