The exile whose life remains unspoken

 
With just a fragment of life I came here
and within it...
I found another small piece of life!
That life's name is 'you.'
Bringing with me a sliver of years,
I had stopped at the futile turn of a blind alley.
You came, you lit a lamp. Following that lamp's path
I found my way to walk here.
Then taking your hand began
the journey of yet another path! Such walking had never been walked before!


That hideous night that passed in ghastly moments,
you came into this life and swept it away too...in love and affection.
And filled this room of mine with light upon light!
So perhaps today the fear is terrible...
when this light suddenly flickers and dims,
when some gust of wind rushing from afar wants to snuff it out,
it seems this time everything is surely finished! Perhaps
this banyan will remain fallen in that same old thick darkness...as before!


When monstrous shadows deepen the darkness in this courtyard,
when reckless waves strike the peaceful shore relentlessly, then I think,
this time surely even the thatched hut has broken!
On my vast shore will remain scattered traces of straw!
Thinking of all this, how much fear comes, can you imagine?


Before I can understand anything, where do all these things suddenly come from?
Without warning, somehow a piece of cloud gathers!
Whatever is arranged, it wants to scatter and break...making the heart tremble!
That old pain inside the chest---that pain itself is like death!


Where do they live?
Why such greed over this little house!
A bamboo platform, its window quite fragile, and only you---
that's all the house is! That much is all my wealth!


How suddenly the storm comes, then the heart begins to shake!
What do I do, where do I go, where do I hide my small fortune!
Whom can I tell...how completely I come undone!
Only one who understands such loss, only they understand,
having everything yet losing it all---that burns and weeps unto death!


How do I handle alone this splendor of waves, tell me!
Seeing such fierce and violent form of waves, the mind quakes!
Then on empty shores I bind my tears, I practice fate!
Now where do I begin from, alas?
From where do I even grasp the helm?
I truly know, I only make mistakes!
I burn myself, and burn you too...even unwillingly!


Where else do I have a place, you tell me?
Where shall I go? Whose shelter is mine anymore?
I ask so much forgiveness, express such anguish...when I make mistakes,
then why do you still withdraw your hand like that?
Where your boundary lies, am I not there?
May I no longer touch the roof of your house?


You know everything...what a person of mistakes I am!
Then why don't you scold me thoroughly?
If you must scold, then scold, but don't stay silent, say something!
Why do you bind yourself in silence like that?
I too have things to say!


I want more, I need still more!
I want so much, so many desires are mine---
I admit it all! Yet forgetting everything, I surrender myself to you,
in your courtyard I spread myself out properly,
...why don't you see all this even while seeing?


Then scold me as much as you please, whatever comes to mind!
Didn't you say, one day you'd find time to scold me thoroughly?
That day after scolding you'd point out the mistakes too?
I've already said, do with me whatever you wish, however you please!
Pull my ears a hundred times if you count them all,
but still give me shelter in that chest at day's end!
This little bit is all I've come asking for!


If I could only have you as my own, in my own home, in my own voice,
I'm ready to give up everything I've ever gained in this life!
If I find you in one lifetime, fulfillment comes so easily!
What I haven't received in this life, I'll make up that debt by finding you!
A boxful of mistakes, if I find you, I'll forget them one by one!