One day,
suddenly in the inbox——
Sure?
What do you mean? Sure about what?
Didn’t you tell Lima? Forgot already? When do you want to meet?
Oh no! She told you that too?
Something like that. Where’s the meeting happening?
What are you saying?
Just what I’m saying. Tell me.
I don’t know. You tell me. Look, I’m not that good-looking, I just look better in photos. And I don’t really have any special talents. You’ll be disappointed. I’m telling the truth!
I see. I’ve sent a friend request. Would be nice if you accepted it.
I’ll do that, but why aren’t you replying properly to what I’m saying?
That is my reply. So, what year are you in now?
Third.
Political Science, right?
Yes. I see you know everything. Wait, weren’t you in English?
A long time ago. Our Honours was eight years long. You could say it was a double Honours in one subject. Hahahaha……
You’re much senior to me.
Yes. So?
It’s scary meeting someone so senior.
Why? Will I scold you?
What if you do?
What if I do give you a little scolding! Any objections?
I’ll cry for sure! I really like you. But I never thought of actually meeting you in person.
You can think about it. I won’t mind. How long have you been secretly watching me, tell me?
A long time. Oh no! Did Lima tell you that too? I’m really going to kill her!
I sent the request, it’s still pending. Why?
I’m amazed. The man who keeps girls’ friend requests hanging is sending me a request! The one and only Shubhro Amit! Should I cry from happiness? I can’t tell.
No need to do anything, just accept it for now. What are you doing on Facebook so late at night? Can’t sleep?
I could, but since you’re here, I’m not letting sleep come. Two lovers in one room doesn’t feel right.
Hahahaha…….. I see not all beautiful girls are dumb!
Ah! I can’t take so much at once. It would be better if you gave it to me little by little. And if you say things like that, I can easily fall into the deepest sleep! Wait, is your district Bikrampur?
Yes. Yours?
Sylhet.
How’s life in the hall?
Good enough!
It passes.
Don’t you all
fight and bicker?
Of course
we do! I say, sir, why wouldn’t women
fight, tell me? What else would we do if we didn’t? Women either fight or fall in love. No woman
can exist without these two things.
Who
said that?
Doesn’t need
to be said, I just know. I’m a woman, after all!
Sure?
What
do you mean, sure?
What
you just said—that you’re a woman?
What
are you getting at?
Nothing
really. It’s fine,
I’ll
verify for myself.
You’re
terribly naughty!
I
never claimed to be well-behaved!
Still!
You can’t say things like that, mister.
Do you know how many women like you?
That’s
what everyone says anyway!
It’s
not just hearsay, it’s true. I like you too. It’s
not that you’re good-looking—that’s not the point. You have a good job, but that’s not it either. The thing is, you write well, you think beautifully. That’s it!
Good-looking?
Well, well! Nice to know! Don’t I get
any marks for that?
Not
with women. A woman’s eye goes to a man’s mind first, not his face.
I see.
So madam, when are we having that coffee? Where?
You
decide. You’re the host!
Let
the guest choose!
Absolutely
not. The host should have that privilege!
Okay,
I’ll tell you the time. Tomorrow evening at six. Now you decide where.
Nothing’s
coming to mind. You’re quite persistent, I see! Fine, I’ll text you in the morning. Sir, you’ve really planted a bug in my head! It just
won’t leave now. By the way, should I text you on Facebook?
No, take down the number. 01712******. Text
this number with yours.
Okay
sir! I’ll let you know in the morning. Will you really treat me?
How
does one treat someone fake-fake?
No, I just can’t believe it! You’re
a celebrity.
Am I
a child-celebrity? Hahahaha… Oh wait, is that the issue? Or will your boyfriend scold you?
There’d
have to be someone around to scold! There’s no one like that. Don’t worry.
Hahahaha…worry
about what? Are you some kind of scary type? Did your beloved run away in fear?
He didn’t
run away. I walked away myself.
How so?
That’s
a long story. I’ll tell you another time. So, haven’t you ever been in love?
Why? Do experienced lovers get some kind of priority or something?
No sir. Everyone falls in love. Some just hide it, that’s all!
If you’re going to love in secret, of course you’ll hide it! Do you girls just accept everything so easily? What else would they do but hide?
Yes sir! We accept it, you men can’t. You can have ten love affairs yourself and it’s nothing, but the moment you find out about one old love of your girlfriend’s, you blow up! That’s men for you!
I see. So you’re single now?
That’s what it seems like. When girls lose their little gecko companion, they become single, as far as I know!
Gecko, huh? Hahaha…
What else? Whether you call or don’t call, it’s awkward either way. Just like a gecko! It keeps ticking in your head… tick-tick-tick…
Good, good. Will you make me a gecko? A new gecko?
Really? I’m ready right now!
Okay. Tomorrow evening at six then. Alright?
I know you’re just kidding. This will become another status update by Shubhro Amit. Everyone will have a good laugh. There Jui will become Jasmine. Plus some free bamboo shoots instead of coffee. For the rest of my life, whenever I have coffee, I’ll smell bamboo from Jui’s cup. That’s it, right?
I understand, you’re not interested. Fine, forget it. Take care. Bye.
Hey hey hey! Where are you going? Please wait! Tell me, where should I come? I’ll come.
That’s for you to decide.
Oh right, of course. Okay, I’ll let you know.
Now that’s better. Why do you put on such airs? Say what you want to say directly. I don’t like it when you talk in circles.
Okay boss! Why so angry, dear? I’ll let you know by tomorrow morning.
What time will you tell me? What time do you need to be back at the hostel?
I won’t go back to the hostel. I’ll stay at my sister’s place for the night. And I’ll tell you before 10 AM.
Where’s your sister’s place?
Mogbazar. Why?
I’ll drop you off. I have a responsibility, don’t I?
So kind of you, sir! Well, can I say something if you promise not to get angry?
Go ahead.
Instead of tomorrow, could we do it the day after? Tomorrow I have two tutoring sessions. One of the mothers is really strict. She gives me a hard time even if I miss one day.
Fine. Same time?
Yesssss… you’re so so wonderful! I’m so happy. Yes, same time. I won’t keep anything else that day. That evening will be just for you.
The place? Can you tell me now?
Why don’t you decide, please!
I can’t. You tell me. In dating, both people have equal rights.
I really don’t know how to do this. I’m giving up a bit of my rights, sir. You tell me where to come. Wherever you want!
You can’t just go anywhere you want on the first day. The first date has to be in a respectable environment. First-day love stays only in the eyes. First-day love is upward-moving love. Then gradually love becomes downward-moving. Love is always downward-bound. Get what I mean? Hahahaha……….
You really are a bad man.
Yes, that’s how I am. Come to the bad man then. There’s still time. Think about it.
No, I’ll come. Shubhra Amit surely doesn’t offer dates to just anyone! Alright, day after tomorrow evening at Cafe Dobana on Bailey Road. Deal?
Okay, deal!
Thank you so much for deciding to give me some of your precious time.
If you’re this formal, I won’t meet you.
No no, alright, I’ll be completely informal. Totally casual! Promise!
Be free and easy. Okay?
Okay. Hey sir! Don’t you have college tomorrow?
I do, classes after noon.
So that’s why you’re flirting away freely?
What’s this girl saying?
She’s right though! The replies are coming so quickly, what else could it be?
Actually my internet is a bit slow here. It’s not what you’re thinking.
I see, I see, I understand everything. No worries. Everything will be fine. I’ll fix it all. Go to sleep now, it’s 3:30 AM. You’ll get sick.
Alright. You go to bed too. Good night.
You’ll buy me coffee day after tomorrow evening at exactly six at Cafe Dobana. Don’t forget, sir!
I’ll remember, I’ll remember. I’m leaving now.
Okay bye. Sweet dreams!
Hey listen! Are you there?
Yes.
You didn’t give me your number!
Okay, I’m giving it. Check your phone’s inbox.
Hmm, got it. So nice of you.
My pleasure, sir! Listen, instead of coffee you can even buy me tea from a roadside stall if needed. But please don’t cancel our plan to meet day after tomorrow, please.
What are you saying! I really wanna date you! But don’t be scared!
Ehh! Why would I be scared? Coming into 2016, girls don’t get scared, they scare others.
Huh!
I know, I know, madam is very clever. Had one breakup already, and still can’t figure out a dating spot. But talks big!
I suppose you’ve never been in love? Can’t decide for yourself?
I’m the one who decided! Besides, I don’t do love and all that.
Oh really? Of course, why would celebrities fall in love? Everyone falls in love with them. Celebrities don’t have love—it’s all media creation! Whatever love exists is other people’s love for them.
Less talk, more sense! You have no brains. Doesn’t know the name of a single romantic spot, but claims to have been in love!
Look sir, we mostly went around in rickshaws. And he was a complete vegetarian! Once or twice we went to Diya Bari and Ashulia. That’s it!
Look, I’m a complete non-vegetarian! Think again whether you want to date or not.
You’re a celebrity, there’s no reason for you to be vegetarian. No problem. I’ve thought it through. So Mr. Non-vegetarian, why were you insisting so much that I take responsibility for choosing the dating spot? Being polite?
My mistake! I should have told you the name of a dark restaurant! That would have worked.
No guru, let’s stick with the first one! Now I’m scared! Jui won’t be able to handle so much non-vegetarian stuff.
I knew tall people had less brains, but I didn’t know they had less tolerance too.
How did Amit know that Jui is tall? Lima told him. Right?
Something like that. I’m going on a date with a 5’4½” girl—if I didn’t know beforehand, there could be technical problems!
No sir, you’re short by an inch and a half!
Wow! 5’6″? Impressive!
How tall are you?
More than 5’7″, you could say 5’8″.
Not bad, works!
Works? What more height could Bangladeshi guys have?
I didn’t say your height was bad. I said it’s average, or a little more. You’re giving me so much time! Even thinking about it feels nice. I won’t be able to sleep tonight from this happiness.
What are you saying! You probably don’t know that I’ve known you for a long time.
Seriously? There’s no reason for Shubhro Amit to know Jui! I’m the one who’s known you for a long time. I read your writing, I like it. I don’t give likes, in case it makes you conceited. I’ve never sent a friend request because I know it wouldn’t be accepted. You’ve kept my girlfriends hanging. They can’t stand you!
Girls should be kept hanging like that. Listen, I actually knew you before.
How’s that possible? I don’t write like you do.
We have lots of mutual friends, you know. When you like their posts, it shows up on my feed too. That’s how I ended up visiting your profile several times!
Really?
Yes, really. I never had the nerve to message you though.
What do you mean, no nerve? How would I know if you didn’t message? Oh, is that why you messaged my friend instead? I was so surprised when I saw your text!
It wasn’t just that. I wanted to meet you, to spend time with you. But I was too shy to say anything.
Bullshit! Who am I that Shubhro Amit would want to spend time with me? I’m not some famous university student, and I’m not exactly drop-dead gorgeous either. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think I’m being a bit too annoying.
Do you really need all that to want to spend time with someone? Are you sure?
Well, no, but still. You noticed me in all that crowd of people! Nice! Did you eat dinner?
Yes. You?
Yes. Wait, didn’t we say good night ages ago? The clock’s almost striking five!
That’s how it goes! Alright, I should go. Take care.
You too! Good morning! Hehehehe……….
They met. Jui came wearing a deep blue saree. Amit in his yellow punjabi took a selfie on his phone, they had coffee, and pizza before that. They talked for hours. After evening, they rode in a rickshaw with the hood down, wandering around for a while before Amit dropped Jui off at her sister’s place. In the darkness of the rickshaw, when their lips kept meeting again and again, they assumed no one was watching them in those moments. When two people are in love, both become blind; and when they’re physically intimate, both assume everyone around them has gone blind.
Their conversation that night.
You’re so naughty! My body is still trembling!
Well, something happened worth trembling for, didn’t it? Let it tremble.
Why did you do that, tell me?
Surely not out of love! I found you attractive, wanted to draw you close, that’s all. No other reason.
I see. Have you eaten?
Not yet.
When will you eat? It’s almost eleven.
I’ll eat, I’ll eat. You’re really, really hot though. I liked it.
I don’t know what I am. I only know this much—I’m not right. I’m all mixed up. Every touch of yours is still pulling at me!
No big deal. That’s how it happens, how it’s supposed to happen.
This much? I’m feeling terribly intoxicated. Still in a daze. Sir, I saw your status. You’ve fallen into the wrath of womankind! Everyone’s absolutely tearing you apart.
My writing has dirt on it, so they’re washing it. No matter, let them wash. So, how was today?
Don’t you understand? How was it for you?
I can’t explain in writing. Far too good. I wanted you all to myself so badly!! I really liked it!
You’re a man. Touch is everything for you! But I’m a woman. My burning begins after touch; of body, of mind. What am I to do? I never imagined so much would happen today.
Never regret! What’s done is done.
I’m not regretting it. I liked you so much. You’re so caring, adorable. But I’m thinking about something.
What’s that?
You only found me hot, didn’t actually like me, right?
I liked everything about it. I’m missing you terribly!
Really?
Yes, really! Can I tell you something?
Tell me.
Your body’s scent is so intoxicating!
Yours too! Absolutely intoxicating!!
Listen, let’s go to Gazipur tomorrow, to Nuhash Polli. Will you come?
What will we do there?
Wander around. Love you lots.
Just wandering, right? Nothing else?
Let’s go first.
No, darling. You know, I get so scared. I’ve been hurt once before, so.
Alright, fine. Whatever you want, that’s what we’ll do.
When will we return?
In the evening. You’ll stay at your sister’s place. Okay?
But tomorrow the department is going on a study tour to Cox’s Bazar. A 4-day tour. I’ve already paid the money. I don’t know what to do. After hearing from you, I don’t want to go anymore. Don’t you have classes tomorrow?
I do, but I won’t go. I’ll say I’m sick. Take sick leave.
Oh my! Missing work for me?
I feel like I could do anything for you, darling. I enjoyed today so much. Didn’t you?
I enjoyed it immensely. That’s why I’m scared. Will I be able to control myself? I fear no one but myself. You know, I didn’t want to let you go today. But I wasn’t prepared for all this.
I didn’t want to either. And those kisses were an unprepared gift for you! Hahahaha……….
You gave me a beautiful evening. I won’t be able to let you go.
Don’t
let it go. Let’s go tomorrow then.
I’m thinking, what will my friends say! A few of them
registered because I said I was going.
What
can they say? You could have problems, right?
Hmm, that’s true. But……..
Fine, if you want to, go ahead.
Why
are you getting angry, darling? Alright, I’ll go. I’ll have to make up some story for them.
Go
ahead and tell them. Do you have Skype?
No.
Why?
Open
an account! I want to see you sometimes.
I
feel shy.
Oh
this shyness! What’s there to be so shy about? Can’t
you say what’s in your heart? If I hadn’t approached you today, nothing would have happened. Would you have told me about your feelings on your own?
Amit, don’t talk about feelings like that. The word sounds so crude.
What you call needs, for us that’s love. You men never understood this. I’m sending you something. Wait.
…………When was this taken?
Just
took it now. A picture of me without makeup. How do I look?
So
very beautiful! Burn me a little.
How?
With
the fire of your selfie. I want to burn.
I
can’t! My sister is scolding me for keeping the room light on. She’s telling me to go to sleep.
Why
are you doing this? Please! Otherwise I’ll really get angry!
Fine, go ahead. Let me see how you look when you’re
angry! I’m calling you, pick up.
(Amit suddenly got busy talking to another girl on
the phone.) ………….Where are you? Why are you waiting? Where?
Sorry
sorry! My friend called from America. It’s afternoon there, so he called to discuss something urgent.
Oh
I see, that’s what you say. I thought you were flirting with someone!
Shame
on you, Jui! I’m not like that. If I were, I’d have dozens of girlfriends!
Who
knows! I feel like trusting you!
You
can. You can trust me one hundred percent!
I thought I’d never be able to trust any boy again.
But I really want to trust you. I’m scared I might lose you. So much love bloomed in such little time! Love that comes quickly doesn’t last long either. What comes like a storm flies away in the slightest breeze. That’s why I’m even more afraid. I’ve liked you for a long time. Mine is natural. But I can’t quite understand yours. Promise me you’ll never hurt me? I’m very emotional. I’ll be completely destroyed if something like that happens.
It won’t work, sweetheart, it won’t. I’ve fallen in love with you too!
You can’t fall in love in a single day, sweetheart! That’s just infatuation!
I don’t want to hear any explanations. I fell in love with you the moment I saw you!
Ugh!! Drama!! You know what, because I’m not going, none of my girlfriends are going either. They’re all upset. They just told me on messenger. They’re sitting there sulking. What a hassle! I don’t feel like going at all.
Don’t feel like going where? To Nuhash Palli? Or on the trip?
On the trip.
I see. So we’re going tomorrow morning then?
Can we go the day after? Please!
No, tomorrow! What’s wrong with tomorrow?
I want to think about it a little.
You don’t love me, sweetheart, I understand. It’s okay. Sorry for everything!
Please, let’s go the day after, sweetheart. I love you so much, I’m telling the truth!
The day after tomorrow I have to go to Jessore for some college work. I can’t do it then. Let’s go tomorrow, darling!
We can come back before evening, right?
Of course! I’ll finalize tomorrow’s plan then. Okay?
Okay. What time should we leave tomorrow?
Let’s say around 7. Can you manage?
Okay, fine. But what should I tell my sister?
How would I know? Figure something out.
I have to figure it out? What are you here for then?
Alright, fine. Tell her you have urgent work and need to go to the university early in the morning.
Yes, I could say that. But she’ll look at me suspiciously. She won’t believe I’d go to campus that early in the morning.
Then what? Is there any other way? We absolutely cannot get caught, sweetheart.
What if we get caught when we’re there? You don’t exactly lack followers.
We definitely won’t. Nobody goes there on opening day.
I’ve never gone so far away alone. Is it right to go alone?
Come on, you’re not going alone—I’ll be with you. Am I a stranger to you?
I didn’t mean that. But still…
Okay, we don’t have to go.
Fine, let’s not go!
I mean, I already took the day off over the phone. It’s fine, never mind, we don’t have to go. Take care. Bye.
Oh my God! What have I done? You’re the one saying everything! He’s being so dramatic, isn’t he? Getting angry like a child. What did I even say? I will go, I absolutely will. You have to take me. Hmph!
Okay, fine. Now go to sleep quietly. Did you eat dinner?
No, I will. Can I tell you something?
Go ahead.
In the movie ‘Shesh Porjonto,’ in the song ‘Ei meghla dine ekla ghore thake na to mon,’ I had such a crush on Bishwajit ages ago. From the side, you look a bit like him. I’m not buttering you up, I’m being serious.
Oh please!! Listen, can you wake me up early tomorrow morning?
Sure, I will. Tell me, do you love me?
Yes, I do. Why?
You’re dating me but still showing single on Facebook? That won’t do, that won’t do at all. Change that. Update your relationship status.
Hahahaha… Okay, okay, I will. Now go to sleep, baby. Mwah!!
Good night.
The next day they visited Nuhash Polli, and a couple of other nearby resorts as well. Suddenly, Amit spotted one of his ex-girlfriends standing under a tree nearby. Startled as if he’d seen a ghost, he quickly moved away in fear, but just then he saw the girl take a boy’s hand and hurry off to somewhere else. Ah! The terror that old love strikes, how beautifully new love protects you from it! Such is the glory of love! After wandering around all day, in the late afternoon the two of them went to a dark restaurant together. Sweetheart Inn. A restaurant Amit knew well. The waiters there always skillfully pretended to see him as a new customer each time. This was their unwritten rule. Though he was quite generous when it came to tips. The very fact that they came to this restaurant suggested they wouldn’t get married. Of all the ‘unmarried’ couples who had come to this dark restaurant over the past five years, perhaps not even five had ended up getting married. The relationship between going to dark restaurants and marriage was inverse. The darkness that begins before marriage rarely extends all the way to marriage.
One afternoon.
Missing you, baby.
Missing you too.
Where are you?
In the teachers’ room. Where are you?
I’m heading to the hostel. Classes are over. Should I call you from my room?
Yes, call me, sweetheart.
…………………………
Hello! No classes today?
No, they’re over. Have you reached your room? Send me a selfie.
I’m talking while changing out of my dress. I’ll send it later.
Send it now. Let me give you a kiss.
Listen, don’t you feel like talking about anything else besides all that?
You’re just being dramatic, aren’t you? Fine, forget it then.
No, no, I’m being completely serious. I think what we’re doing isn’t right. There’s no love between us, just passion, and even that’s mostly physical.
Passion is physical by nature.
Only for men. But I’m a woman! I have a heart too.
Don’t I? Are you just saying whatever comes to mind because you think you love me?
Please Amit, don’t misunderstand me. Something’s been wrong with me lately. Nothing feels good anymore. Nothing at all—it’s like a disease, this ‘nothing feels good’ disease. Even when you’re affectionate, I don’t enjoy it. You get upset, so I pretend to like it.
The only cure for this disease is sex. Try it, everything will be fine.
I absolutely won’t go that far before marriage, not even if I die.
Don’t you love me?
So this is your love? You don’t even trust me, and yet you say you love me!
It’s not about trust, Amit, it’s my principles. I want to live holding onto certain values. Maybe I’m old-fashioned. So be it!
Alright, fine then. But I’m not completely settled yet. I’ve only had this job for four years. I can’t send a marriage proposal to your family. We’ll have a court marriage. Later, I’ll gradually convince them and bring you home properly. Agreed?
Okay, fine. We’ll get married tomorrow itself.
Okay. Come to TSC tomorrow at 11 AM.
Okay.
Amit teaches at the college. His reputation for good teaching has already been established there. He writes thoughtful posts on Facebook and has several thousand followers. Good-looking and articulate, Amit easily attracts female students. College teachers have a tremendous advantage. Colleges never let teachers with “big hearts” like Amit leave empty-handed. Big heart, big space, more lovers. College teachers age, but their students never do. Teachers cross forty, pass fifty, but their female students remain forever between sixteen and twenty-four. So many options, so many opportunities. Young girls have less sense in their heads, with a bonus dose of naivety thrown in. And if they’re beautiful, there’s nothing more to say! Beautiful girls will inevitably make foolish mistakes. Perhaps that’s one of beauty’s prerequisites. Why would a girl with a sound mind want to be beautiful? Beautiful girls sit waiting for someone to set a trap for them, so they can joyfully walk into it. They don’t even like boys who don’t know how to set traps. Knowing the techniques to keep them within reach, people like Amit rarely face disappointment. Making up lies to parents during college, or convincing local guardians of something to carry on secret dating—none of this is particularly difficult. College girls aren’t at an age to think about the future. This is the age to seek color in everything. The more of this color a man can offer, the greater a lover he becomes. Amit’s expertise in this art wasn’t built in a day.
Meanwhile, Jui feels immense relief having married Amit. What she couldn’t do before due to guilt, she now feels entitled to do and has begun to feel lighter about herself. It’s truly impossible to keep track of how many college students secretly marry during university life. Girls keep these marriages hidden with great difficulty, fearing social disgrace. Not just outsiders—even family members never find out. So people like Amit are always safe. Jui now comes to the city for tutoring and stays at Amit’s mess. On days when she’s not there, someone or other almost always stays with Amit. No one except Jui, Amit’s “wife,” knew that Amit was married. Many girls feel uncomfortable having crushes on married men. So Amit prefers to maintain his eternal bachelor image. Besides, if everyone knew about the marriage, Amit’s popularity might decline, his student batches might shrink, his girlfriends might decrease. People like Amit are evergreen for all time.
“You know, I only wanted to see you face to face just once—that’s what I told Lima. What I wanted, and what happened! You’re a really good person in every way. I like you so much, I’ve even fallen in love with you. That’s why I’m afraid to say ‘no’ to you. What if you go away! I didn’t even do that with my ex-boyfriend. I just can’t do it before marriage. I love you, I trust you, I’m willing to stay by your side until death, but before marriage—absolutely not. Once I fall in love, I can never pull away. It hurts too much. I know that once boys get that, they throw girls away like used tissue paper. I’m not saying you’re like that too. Look, we don’t have any strong commitment yet, no bond of love. I can walk around holding your hand all day, but I can’t do that with you. Don’t misunderstand me. I will surrender everything only to that person who will love me, who will stay by my side for life. I know reading all this is making you terribly angry, you want to scold me badly. But believe me, if I were like ten other modern girls, I wouldn’t have had to come to the city and do four tutoring jobs with such difficulty. When I left home as a child, I could have just gone with the flow. I haven’t had the chance to tell you something. I’m telling you now, listen. When I was very little, my father killed my mother for dowry. Everyone in the neighborhood knew it, but it was ruled a suicide case. After that, father remarried. The stepmother’s household was entirely the stepmother’s household, where father’s role was very minor. I didn’t grow up in father’s house, I grew up in another mother’s house. After my mother’s death, no one ever gave me a cup of milk with love. The new mother’s children got milk, eggs, meat—everything. I never did. Whatever curry was left over, that’s what I ate with rice. I loved cold drinks very much. Until I reached class eight, I had never been able to drink a whole bottle of cold drink. I would wake up early in the morning, finish the household chores, and go to school. Coming back from school, I would do all the work again—from washing clothes to everything else. If there was any mistake in the housework, I had to hear abuse using my dead mother’s name. Out of that fear, I tried to work very carefully. Even if I accidentally broke a china cup, the new mother would beat me hard on my fingers with a cane. After my mother’s death, I could never recognize father again. My siblings in that house used my clothes to wipe tables and chairs. I always had to hear taunts about eating their food. Raising hands on me was a very normal thing in our house. After I reached class eight, a marriage proposal came for me. Father decided he would get rid of this burden by sending me away. The boy’s father would get about a lakh rupees from my father. If I agreed to marry that boy, that money wouldn’t have to be returned. My life’s worth was so little! I refused the marriage, wanted to study. Father beat me with canes and belts, leaving black and blue marks all over my body. I fainted from the beating. When I regained consciousness, the new mother came and grabbed my hair and slapped me as much as she wanted. I couldn’t move for a week from the pain all over my body.
Meanwhile, Father, in his rage, cut off all funding for my studies. I was forced to start tutoring. I wouldn’t take a single penny from home. Instead, I’d bring little things for the household. I’d buy ice cream and chocolates for my younger siblings. Yet never once did I hear a single word of kindness from anyone in that house. This is how I grew up in my father’s home—like a servant. Every achievement and every failure in my life belongs to me alone. I am as responsible for all the good things as I am for all the bad. I have always been utterly ordinary, I am ordinary, and I will remain so. I’m afraid to dream big dreams. I cannot become the modern woman accustomed to modern philosophy, Amit.
Please forgive me. Curse me in your heart if you must, but don’t ask me to do that. I truly cannot. Whatever punishment you wish to give me, give it. Even pain becomes sweet when it comes from you.
To me, even the anguish of love is sacred and divine. How little do we really know each other, tell me! If you come close only to drift away again, I will suffer far, far more than I can bear.
I love everything about you—your boyishness, your anger, your hurt feelings, your touch, your presence, your absence. I have learned to feel you. I know you must be thinking I’m rambling pointlessly. Please don’t misunderstand me. Forgive this helplessness of mine.
When my father killed my mother, she was twenty-one. I’ve already crossed twenty-one. So however many extra years I live from now on are all bonus for me! I have nothing left to ask of life. That I’m still alive—that’s already too much! My fate could very well have been the same as my mother’s. I want nothing, Amit, only that you stay beside me.”
Amit should have received this letter long ago. On their dates, Amit would always arrive late. Before every meeting, Amit would leave Jui waiting on the street. In the time Jui had to wait after cancelling a tutoring session to meet Amit, she could have easily finished teaching that student. Ever since her relationship with Amit began, Jui would spend entire tutoring sessions on Messenger, Viber, imo, WhatsApp. The students’ guardians usually saw this but said nothing most of the time, though when they occasionally came and stood nearby, Jui would feel somewhat embarrassed. Sometimes there were reasons why they couldn’t firmly scold Jui. For instance, at one tutoring job, the student’s mother would take 6,000 taka from her husband and give Jui 3,500 taka. Jui knew this. The student’s mother had requested that her husband never find out about this arrangement. With that money, she would get beauty treatments, go out with her Facebook boyfriend. In that house, Jui had unlimited freedom. But at another house, the student’s mother would make pointed remarks to Jui through hints and innuendos. For Amit’s sake, Jui was willing to accept everything—waiting on the street was such a small matter. The real truth was this: Amit would meet with other girls and then arrive late for his meetings with Jui. On one such afternoon, while waiting for Amit at a coffee shop, Jui had written the letter mentioned above. That letter remained in her vanity bag. She didn’t have the courage to give it to Amit. What if he read it and got angry!
When
they met, Jui couldn’t give Amit everything he wanted, the way he wanted it. This often led to friction between them. At such times, no amount of reasoning could get through to Amit. He would say, “If I don’t get what I want from you, I’m not going to just sit around. I’ll fulfill my needs somewhere else, go to a brothel if I have to. I’m not that much of a good guy. I’m a very bad person.” Hearing all this, Jui would say nothing. Like ten other naive Bengali girlfriends, she believed, “Amit is nothing like that. Whatever he says, he could never actually do such things. No matter how bad Amit might be, I like this bad man. What’s there to do about it! I’ve already fallen in love!” Every woman in the world is just a little girl to someone or other. From long experience, Amit knew very well how to awaken the adolescent romantic soul hidden within a woman. That adolescent romantic soul needs either love or separation. It seems unable to survive without one or the other! When threatened with separation, that soul unconsciously surrenders itself to love; whether physical or spiritual. During their dating, Amit couldn’t convince Jui about losing her virginity through any strategy. In the dim light of dark restaurants, Jui never completely gave herself over. Despite all his scheming, he couldn’t manage to bring Jui to his mess. This fueled a fierce stubbornness in him. The animal within him wanted to pull Jui even closer. What was obstinacy for Amit was love for Jui. To get what he wanted, Amit was mentally prepared to do anything. Marriage was a very small matter in that context. There’s no conceptual difference between a secret university marriage and childhood doll weddings. Amit’s entire reason for marrying Jui was essentially physical.
When Jui asked why Amit didn’t like her photos, he would say, “Oh come on, I spend all day on your profile anyway. I see all your posts. But does that mean I have to express my love for you by hitting like? That’s just fake showing off. Facebook likes don’t mean preference, Facebook likes are just a button! Don’t you get it, silly girl?” Whether the beloved person calls you ‘silly girl’ with affection or indifference, every girl in the world loves to become even sillier and open herself up more. Girlish innocence comes to possess the entire body, the mind. Jui would think, “That’s right! Love isn’t about showing off.” Actually, Amit never visited Jui’s profile. When you already have a girl in your life, being with that same girl on Facebook means wasting time. To the question “What do you do online?” Amit had always answered, “I write, I study.” Women are born with an infinite talent for believing all the excuses of their beloved. A man who can’t come up with believable excuses, or can’t make any excuse seem credible, should understand he has never truly been in love. Amit was never among such ‘fools.’
However, Joi did gain something from meeting Amit—he managed to emotionally blackmail her in various ways and draw her toward her studies. This served his own convenience: Joi bothered him less, and he could talk to other girls on the phone during that time. Amit had fourteen SIM cards. He also spoke with Joi’s roommate. Amit would tell Avanti, “Listen, I’m not going to marry Joi. I actually love you. I just talk to Joi occasionally about studies.” Avanti had grown accustomed to believing Amit. Of course, she didn’t only talk to Amit on the phone either. Some girls simply cannot live without romance. Avanti belonged to that tribe. The amusing thing was that Joi had been the initial connection between Avanti and Amit. Whenever Joi’s phone ran out of charge or balance, she would call Amit from Avanti’s phone. Avanti had said to Amit, “Brother, I’m like a little sister to you. Could you help me sometimes with some good advice?” That brotherly-sisterly relationship had progressed all the way to the bedroom. Amit had such “sweet” relationships with many devoted readers and admirers. Since he never changed his relationship status on Facebook, no one knew about Joi.
Amit had quite a talent for writing, so he never lacked for admirers. Most likely, after listening to what was perhaps the most difficult Bengali song—Lalon’s “Chander Gaye Chand Legeche”—and failing to find a simple explanation for it despite extensive Google searches, Amit listened to it at least twenty to twenty-five times and began writing his own interpretation. After three to four hours of continuous effort, he wrote a beautiful explanation and shared it on Facebook. It was truly difficult work. A Lalon devotee named Jhumko fell in love with Amit after reading his mesmerizing explanation. No creative man in this world has ever objected to having multiple loves. The relationship between love and creativity is linear. Men who aren’t creative also have multiple loves, but those are primarily physical. Well, if men’s love is largely physical, is women’s love equally mental? Always? Don’t other kinds of things happen?
While Jui’s love for Amit was profound, Amit’s desire for Jui was even more intense. Though this burning desire always manifested itself in his words and behavior, Jui would comfort herself with the thought, “He acts this way because he loves me.” Women tend to see physical passion as a part of love, while men tend to see love as merely a component of physical desire. There are exceptions to this, but they are rare. When Jui would sit for hours on messenger waiting for just one reply from Amit, he would be busy with other girls. Jui would think Amit was probably absorbed in his writing. When she couldn’t reach him despite calling his number repeatedly, Amit could conjure up endless excuses: “I was in the washroom, I was in another room, I was in class, I keep my phone away when I’m writing, my phone was charging, my nephew broke the display so I didn’t notice, I was teaching students in a batch.” Countless such excuses! When delivering these explanations, Amit would speak with such theatrical remorse, like a guilty child. He’d speak in such a tone of regret that Jui herself would feel bad for demanding explanations from him. “My boyfriend is mine alone. He doesn’t flirt with anyone else.” Jui was the eternal Bengali woman who consoled herself with such thoughts. Women are happy when they have their lover close. Even when they don’t, they remain happy thinking their lover must surely be busy with some urgent work! Women are such creatures that they can find justification for a hundred faults in the man they love; yet for a man they don’t love, no matter how right his actions, they can’t find a single argument in his favor.
After their makeshift wedding, Amit’s various faces began revealing themselves to Jui one by one. Words that never came before marriage started emerging gradually. Sometimes Amit’s behavior would sink lower than street ruffians. He would often hurl unspeakable abuse at Jui, sometimes even raise his hand against her. Amit’s academic background and social status were completely at odds with such behavior.
“Take me into your home, won’t you? You’re earning good money now. Students are joining your batches every day. Talk to your family. Tell your parents about us. I really want to make a home with you!”
“Don’t say that—my elder sister is looking for another girl for me.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you know how it is—our family’s financial situation isn’t very good, so if we could get some money during the wedding, it would be really helpful. Besides, I could also set up a side business. Listen darling, couldn’t you manage some money from home? Say, around twenty thousand? Then I could speak about you at home with confidence.”
“What are you saying, Amit? Don’t you know my situation? Who’s going to give me money? In this whole world, I only have that one cousin sister. How can I ask her for money? Is that even possible? After all this time, you’re saying this to me? Am I not your wife?”
Oh, why are you getting angry? I’m giving you all the dignity of a wife, aren’t I? I’m fulfilling all your needs—financial, physical, mental. I give you two thousand rupees every month. Besides, it’s not like someone else is getting that money—your own husband is receiving it. My money is your money, isn’t it? Without that money, there’s absolutely no way I could bring you home.
Amit, so you’ve thrown the money in my face after all? What no one had ever dared say to Jui, she heard today from her own husband! Have you ever asked how much I spend each month? I don’t have a single penny saved in the bank. When I don’t get my tutoring salary on time, I don’t even have money for food. I hang from buses, returning from the city to campus after evening tutoring sessions. I have only two decent dresses for going out. I stopped using perfume and body spray ages ago. The other day when I went to get my sandals repaired, the old cobbler at our campus said, “Sister, these can’t be fixed anymore—why don’t you buy a new pair?” Hiding my tears, I said, “Uncle, it’s fine, just repair them.” I don’t go anywhere with friends out of shame because I can’t afford to spend money. After my glasses frame fell from a rickshaw and broke, I’ve been using it glued together with tape. When my vanity bag tore, I sew it myself in my room—it’s too embarrassing to show anyone. A few days ago, when a new tutoring student’s family didn’t pay me, I sacrificed my dignity and cried holding the student’s mother’s hand. I can’t remember the last time I had an afternoon snack. I save money from my monthly expenses to send some to my elderly grandmother; sometimes I send a tin of Horlicks, though I hear my siblings from that household don’t even let grandmother have it—they finish it themselves. All the love I received in childhood came from that one person. My father, busy counting down to his mother’s death, can’t even remember to buy her proper medicines, let alone care for her! Have you ever bothered to find out about any of this? I’ve endured everything thinking you were by my side. I’ve dreamed so much about our future! You told me your family doesn’t like women studying too much, that I don’t need to do my master’s, that you won’t let me work. I accepted everything. And now—what are you saying to me?
Look, you’re humiliating me over a paltry sum of money. What more than two thousand taka should I give you? How many women get two thousand taka from their husbands every month? Go check and see! Two thousand taka seems little to you? Your grandmother will be dead in a couple of days anyway. What’s the point of wasting my hard-earned money on her? Besides, I have some very good proposals these days. Several of them are quite beautiful, from good families, with flats in Dhaka, all highly educated and well-established. One girl’s father told your sister on the phone yesterday that if I marry his daughter, I won’t have to teach in batches anymore—he’ll put a flat and a car in my name. Full set of furniture, sixty bhori of gold. Plus he’ll set me up in business, give me cash too. I work for the government. How much salary do I get, tell me? Try to understand, Jui! Be practical! I have a future too. I want a secure life. What will I get if I marry you? What will my family get? What right do you have to ruin my life like this? Besides, how smart girls are these days! And what are you? Think sincerely about it yourself! I can’t take you everywhere, Jui. Please don’t misunderstand me.
Bravo, Shubhra Amit, bravo! You’re saying all this? Did I know you all these years? Thousands of people are enchanted by your writing? Don’t you foam at the mouth talking about progressivism? Didn’t you stand first in the intermediate board? Amit, once Dhaka University’s brilliant debater, is saying these things? What kind of mentality is this for such an educated boy? Didn’t you know you’d get nothing by marrying me? Did I hide anything from you, tell me? Didn’t you know that Jui is just an ordinary poor girl who came up from the countryside? Couldn’t you understand before that Jui is completely incompatible with society?
Look, there’s no point saying all this. It’s not possible for me to bring you home. What’s happened has happened. Now you walk your path, I’ll walk mine. That’s final. I’ll send you the divorce papers, just sign them. Just because you’ve suffered in life doesn’t mean you have to make me suffer too—that mentality isn’t right. Your father killed your mother, is that my fault? And you should understand, I’m not worthless. Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a job through the BCS exam? People can’t even get jobs in primary schools, and I teach in a government college. How many people respect me, know me by name. Don’t my achievements have any value? My family has always stood by me. Don’t they deserve to live a little better? Why shouldn’t I be able to fulfill this small wish of theirs? What do you have except that body of yours, tell me? What will I gain by bringing you home? You’ll get a lot, but what’s my benefit? What would I see in you to bring you home? Be logical, Jui!
Amit, I have never begged from anyone in this life.
If there hadn’t been so much between us, I would never have needed to say all this to you. I have seen poverty,
learned to endure
poverty,
but
I am not poor. I don’t have the standing today to answer your arrogance. Many people warned me about you. I never believed anyone.
Whatever you said to bewitch and deceive me, I believed it all. Managing me was just child’s play for you. I was the one who let you practice that art on me. No man can use a woman however he pleases
unless she wants it herself. What could I do, tell me! I was in love! I had heard that blind love
takes everything away from life.
But sometimes I had to learn from my own life that it takes away life itself. Today I am not beautiful in your eyes. Other
girls are beautiful. Then why did you marry me? I had nothing to give you except my love and my body.
You men can change bodies like changing houses. Once the spell of one body is broken, another
body. Then another body. Your love’s journey is simply from body to body. The certain destination of your
love is women’s bodies. When will you learn to love, tell me? Try learning to love just once. You’ll feel like the most
powerful person on earth. The belief will be born within you that you can conquer everything with love. You
yourself don’t believe that you married me. You have many achievements in life. Those
achievements have increased your value day by day, just like the price of a household animal rises before sacrifice. You
want to rise very high, so
you have no objection to being sold. If I had a five-story house, your family
would have accepted me,
wouldn’t they? If you married me, it would damage your tutoring
business, reduce demand in the girl-market,
you wouldn’t be able to flirt
with intermediate college girls. A filthy sewer
insect like you doesn’t deserve Jui, deserves some call girl. I will never
sign the divorce papers. Don’t be afraid,
I will never
come and stand before you. I set you free.
Hahahaha………
Say it, say whatever you want. You are just a loser.
You will always be a loser because you have love in your heart. All lovers are
just losers! Love is a bullshit thing! There is only one truth, one principle: fuck and forget!
I can’t bear the burden of your foolish love anymore. Go to hell with your
divine love! Stay well if you can. Bye forever!
Bye
Forever!!!—-“How easily it was said, the voice didn’t even tremble…” Such a simple phrase, and what an easy conclusion to the relationship between two people! The sudden collapse of a bridge built slowly, day by day, bit by bit! In an instant! The solitary girl named Jui was not acquainted with this cruel equation of life. In making her way this far entirely through her own effort and toil, she had encountered many of life’s ugly faces. She considered herself quite intelligent and practical. She had never before seen all her practical wisdom vanish in the mere gust of emotion. In this state, there’s no logic even in crying. There’s no point in suffering for the wrong person. Rather, the sooner the wrong person departs from life, the better. Freedom from the wrong person means freedom from a curse. Jui should be celebrating now! Yet she continues to cry, every single day. Lately, darkness feels deeply familiar to her. Only in this darkness can she hide everything about herself and live by deceiving herself. On holidays, she spends time alone in the hostel. Sometimes she goes to the roof and walks barefoot, thinking, “Is this, then, what life is?” Sometimes, when her roommate is away, she buries her face in the pillow and sobs alone. That tearful poetry within four walls will never be written anywhere. The world’s most sorrowful saga has never been composed by anyone. It remains forever hidden from everyone’s sight. Jui often falls ill from excessive mental stress. Once she had to stay at the university medical center for three days, on oxygen support. But from fierce self-respect, she never called Amit again. Countless times she brought his number up on the touchscreen and touched it, but could never manage to call or even text. Since Amit blocked her, she went to other accounts to read his writings. Amit may have hurt her, but what fault did the writings have?
Having parents alive or by your side is perhaps the greatest fortune in this world. It is life’s greatest gift. For those without parents, this society offers little that is pleasant. And if that person happens to be a girl, she lives in our society like an unclaimed corpse. Dogs, jackals, and vultures have equal claim over that corpse. She remains distant from everyone even while being among them all! And when someone who has neither mother nor father must relearn the childhood lesson of what distance means, she becomes utterly helpless. Jui thinks, the rest of her life will pass in this distance upon distance.
But wait, can this be called distance? When had they ever come close for them to have moved apart? Can it even be called coming close if two people don’t come equally near? Can such a childish attachment truly become closeness? Is one-sided weaving of false dreams what coming close means? Doesn’t physical proximity without love only increase emotional distance? How many couples live together year after year under the same roof in infinite distance, merely out of habit!
And so a year and a half passed. Jui finished university and started teaching at a kindergarten. Amit, for various reasons, still hadn’t managed to get married. His age was advancing too—he was now approaching thirty-eight. While he could still find women willing to have affairs as before, he couldn’t find anyone willing to marry him. He’d been rejected from several quarters and continued to be. One night, abandoning what little shame and self-respect he’d never possessed anyway, he called Jui. “Come back, let’s forget everything and build a home together again. Can’t you forgive me? I’ve missed you terribly every single moment of these past eighteen months. I need you in my life. Come back, Jui. I can’t live without you. I really need you today. Please don’t turn me away!” Holding the phone to her ear, Jui just listened without saying a word. And she kept thinking—so Amit was exactly the same as before, hadn’t changed one bit!