The Contours of a Turning Face

A glass of water, perhaps? How I long
to swallow love in one gulp!
But does it ever happen that way...love?
All day long it's just a little, half a sip,
like tea with its gentle slurp-slurp sounds,
slowly, carefully spreading through the body's knowing wholeness!
Who could understand such love's torment...who indeed!
Won't you give me a glass of water...of love?
Or should I just swallow this moment of love
eyes shut, nose pinched...in one gulp!
Whether I live or die then, we'll see!

When I was alone, love...it wouldn't come,
though I wanted it so desperately...arms raised high,
weeping terribly...let love not pass me by!
Like everyone else, I too would keep it close—cherishing, caring!
Now I see...
love did come, it came indeed,
and brought such pain...unbearable to endure!
As if death came while still living!
Was this what I had yearned for in love? Then
thinking of this, I passed countless night hours!

Seeking just a little love—
I touched dewdrops in dawn's light, thinking them pearls,
soaked in sunlight from early morning, every day
in twilight's gap evening descended and birds returned to quiet nests,
I plunged into winter's frost, burning both eyes with such heat!
In flower colors, leaf longings so many afternoons ended,
sleep broke with birdsong bringing dreams,
I walked on green grass losing all boundaries,
bathed my body in earth's fragrance with deep love...
opened palm-leaf boats and roamed rivers in delirium,
obeyed the commands of raw mangoes,
rode rafts catching fish, forgetting furious rain,
how many deep nights rain called and I was drenched freely!
I did everything...hoping to taste one morsel of love...in that faith!

In the road's dust, all my friends chat away
over tea cups, in smoke's embrace, by the moment's measure!
I then through glasses' gap...two red ribbons in hair,
two feet slipped into blessed white shoe-hollows.
School opens, face buried in new books when the bell rings,
before recess Bipin sir's "Study hard, my child!"
...in such affection's folds I would open my books.
When night fell at home,
the gecko's tick-tick-tick kept time,
in silent night's broken sleep amid crickets' chatter
in that deep night somewhere far away, Gazi's song filled the heart.
Mother's worn sari...fine thread, thick border...that day
on Eid cards, on key rings friends could always be found...
seeing all this I searched for love so thoroughly, understanding and not understanding!

Days passed and days went on, then one day I truly saw that person come!
Amazing! Before that wonder-daze could lift, they said outright,
I want all of you and me, just as I am!
They came...have come, good enough. Settled quietly inside my mind!
I too somehow adapted and got used to it...let them stay!
In a few days I realized, like termites gnawing away
something gets finished...never happened like this before!
The chest feels hollow, the head feels empty too—
love...is this what it is then?

Why is love like this? Won't it fit in one bottle?
Then couldn't we pierce the body with a needle, in the small pain of a pinch
take it into the veins?
How I died wanting this love...once upon a time!
Let me too have a love, so deep and intense...
seeing me let everyone say...look here, this is what love means!
If you love, love like this!
When everything shattered and love came, instead of joy it gave sorrow,
pain or burning...unable to bear it, I think,
I'll keep love at a distance...separate from myself...
trying to remove love I suddenly see, I myself have disappeared somewhere!

I thought love was perhaps like uncle's house's pulled-down
sweet pot! Once you get it, looking this way and that
you can gulp-gulp-gulp it all down!
I took love thinking...migratory bird...
staying here these few months, somewhere else another few!
Like a fool I assumed—love, it's seasonal fruit,
one in winter, another in summer...now I understand,
when love doesn't come close, so many colored things come to mind!

Take grandfather's story...how much he loved,
would lovingly feed tamarind pickle,
spicy fritters...yet before I could understand that love,
before I could love him back a little...
why did grandfather leave?
I too perhaps like grandfather
will go far away before receiving love!

Well, can love be returned?
Like say, gifts can be exchanged,
good wishes too pass from this hand to that...
can't love be exchanged like that?
Box-full to one address...recipient so-and-so,
another box somewhere else...recipient such-and-such,
doesn't it happen? If it did, how convenient it would be...
I'd pack all love in boxes and send them to your house!
Then you'd understand exactly, this me becomes rich only when receiving love!

When sun blazes in fierce heat, does the scorched heart laugh like coal...have you seen this?
In deep night, breaking silence's wall tears arise...have you heard this?
Does love then burn everything? Make you weep and chase you away like this?
Stand facing the sun one day and see how it feels!
How the chest goes hollow, pain shifts to the eye's chamber, memories all weep and die!
No one will buy this pain, darkness will descend on blind eyes...forgetting light.
This love burns me the same way...you don't understand any of it!

Some night when darkness falls, touch the darkness itself...no one else touches it like that...
touch it...you'll understand then, how it feels to live hoping without getting anything!
This side, that side, front and back love's intoxication grips tight,
what kind of love is that...when nothing can be understood,
love's color can't be recognized when seen...
then in various words' folds, someone with strong hands breaks ribs and steals the heart away!

Morning breeze, morning light...so gentle...touching the body feels so comforting!
Why doesn't love touch in such soft sunlight's gentle warmth, tell me?
Even after one lifetime passes to another, traces remain...
In such tender affection of love...does the shehnai play?
They say love's everything is supposedly good?
Burns, makes you weep, scorches yet heals properly?
Binds with such care, tends with attention all the love...
where exactly does that love stay?

Just a few days ago...
a milkman from next door gives good milk,
so I told him, Uncle, would you give half a seer of milk?
Let it be pure...I'll pay extra money!
Next day uncle didn't come anymore, sold the milk at market instead!
What happened, I understood nothing!
Why such hesitation for uncle to take money from me?
Or does the market offer better prices? Or uncle...!
...perhaps this is how love just goes away
to other homes, at other rates...right past my house!

The greatest love there is, what does it look like?
Does it have much affection? It's probably not quarrelsome?
Does it never lose like that?
Does it run away when accounts come due?
Doesn't it pay for mistakes like this?
In discrepancies does it balance out in the end?
Or does it balance accounts by cheating?
...whatever happens! I think, what's this debit-credit business here anyway?
If humans truly love, then why do they calculate like this?

What's the point of so many words! Let me just say...
there's someone whose love I'm ready right now to accept any condition to receive!
There's also someone I'd never be unwilling to give any condition to give love to!
...you are my first such person!