The Churning of Bliss

Do you remember that fragment of time on the mountain path?
Walking, you touched my hand, as if you might have lifted me right into your arms,
wrapped me close to feel what love and trembling truly are!
Like that little lake nestled between two hills,
how the hills on either side held it in their embrace!

Down the sloping paved road, rows of touch-me-nots descended along its edge to kiss the water's shore,
you said to me, don't touch them, let them shrivel like you do, I want to see your flushed face today!
That was the first time I saw the touch-me-not's shiver,
the moment our eyes met I trembled too, I don't know why!
I almost rolled right into the water,
before you could reach me, Mahi grabbed my hand quick,
I thanked him with a smile, and you puffed your cheeks in fury!
You were terribly angry at him, though you said nothing aloud,
but oh, how well I could read you!

Your ears would turn bright red before your face flushed... when, do you know?
When you were deeply hurt, when you seethed silently inside!
Another thing I noticed—whatever I said,
you'd only respond with hmm, hmm, and hmm to keep the conversation going.

We walked such a long way together,
never once did you let go of my hand,
at the mountain's edge there was a bench, just a step or two beyond it
you'd plunge straight into the mountain's heart!
Still I insisted on sitting there,
you wouldn't let me sit... wouldn't let me at all!
You said just looking would give you a heart attack,
at the mere mention of going you broke into a sweat...
my darling coward, what a treasure you were!

You said to me, 'If only there were such a world,
I'd take my mischievous old lady there, leaving everything behind,
where would I hide you, what would I do...
I love you forever and always!'
...often thinking such thoughts would bring terrible pain,
you'd make mistakes in everything, and say,
'After some time, won't you love me anymore?
Will you misunderstand me then?
Will you ever say I was a bad person?
You know, I want to do so many things with you,
shower you with affection, hold you so tight...
if only your two hands could merge completely with mine!
I who never used to dream,
now must live with a whole procession of dreams!
I want to make real every moment I see in dreams,
yet I can't, I can't do anything...
I'm terrified by this thought—
what if your respect, your love for me is ever damaged by some mistake!
If something like that happens, I simply couldn't bear it!'

These words from your lips still ring in my ears...
I can still feel those moments exactly as before,
I wonder, why did you think that way?
From my gaze to my breath, everything belonged to you,
exists for you still, this hand of mine still bears your touch,
I've let no other hand caress it,
I still can't live without you, truly I can't!
The pain is terrible... my breaths clot inside me...
why did you love me so much, tell me?

I was the kind of girl who only knew how to win,
who loved competition, revenge, and solitude.
Why did you come and scramble it all?
Why did you teach me to love?
Why did you exile me from that world of solitude?
I was fine, getting along well enough
in that game of competition, revenge, and winning and losing!
Why did you wrap me in feeling that way?
Why did you take all my confidence with you when you left?

I find no strength within myself now,
except for you there's no other path open to steady myself,
I can't even cry anymore, only by tearing apart the weave of feelings on diary pages can I calm myself!

It seems to me that with those torn fragments every drop of my tears evaporated,
feelings grew lifeless one by one,
like wounded words, the sorrows died.
I'm quite fine without you, I can manage to live,
I find a strength within me... I feel it.
If I can find some other way to keep myself calm,
then I'll write so much, so much...
my pen will mature further, learn to understand more,
feelings will learn to stand at the root of words,
I too will birth a thousand poems,
I'll nurture each newborn face,
at least my random writings won't die,
they'll live on somewhere, somehow!

I don't even sit down to write these days, you know!
Whenever I do, you inevitably appear!
Fire breaks out in the library arranged in my inner room,
all the book pages burn to ash,
a burnt smell rises from memory's pages!
I cannot think, not at all—that you are my past!
This simply cannot be! Cannot, I mean it cannot!
The word 'past' sticks in my throat like a thorn,
I want to scream and cry,
I want to tear apart and swallow
that word 'former' sitting beside your name,
I feel like a madwoman then!
Even drowning wouldn't feel this helpless!
Even after writing all these words and soaking diary pages,
my memories found no release!
The burnt pages still torment me with their acrid smell...

But don't you come!
Don't even mistakenly step into my room, even thinking I'm in pain!
I've grown used to all the torment...
I'll laugh again in a while, laugh a lot!
I'll fly so many kites,
I'll climb trees and bring food right to the weaver birds' nests!