Tears

The one I love more than my own life—
to let go of their hand is far harder than releasing the hand
of one who loves me more than their own life.

The one who, if they asked me to stay, I would remain—
pushing the entire world aside if need be—
to let them go is infinitely harder than letting go
of one for whom the whole world means nothing but me.

Looking toward their happiness, I myself am the one
who won't let them stay beside me.
To ask them even once to remain takes such courage in the heart!
Standing on the present, gazing toward the future,
a coward like me perhaps cannot summon such audacity.

Thinking and thinking of their happiness, today I am weary, exhausted.
The complete meaning of their happiness is me alone—
yet even understanding this, conscience somehow gets stuck!

I know this very understanding will make me weep someday.
Time will come. That day I will cry out loud behind closed doors.
My chest will heave with sobs, yet then there will be nothing left to do—
just as today...there isn't!

That day my person will nestle their head on someone else's chest,
busy deciding the name of their unborn child.
If we had a beautiful little girl, the name we two settled on together
will surely change that day!
Perhaps they'll both hope for a boy instead, not a girl.
When people change, so do their desires.

People say love grows from living together!
I say, if that were true, so many people wouldn't have to spend their lives acting!
Still I wish—may my person learn to love their new person.
May my person be well. May the new person keep them very well, with love.

If love could come by willing it, then countless people
would truly love, and the world would grow weary
keeping count of it all!
It's not that I don't want to love well.
Actually, I was never compelled to love well.
No such person came into this life that not loving them
would have made living impossible.
...No, I'm wrong—they came. Someone I lack the power to hold back.

That no one loves me, that no one wants to keep me—this too I could accept.
But that someone loves me who would sever ties with the whole world to keep me—
how to accept the helplessness of not being able to keep them,
I truly don't know.

No one will tell me anymore how I am. The person is leaving.
The person who would decide what else I need is disappearing.
No one will show me the path I should take to be well.
The person who would think about what kind of 'me' is my most beautiful 'me'
is walking past my eyes into another room...
I'm about to lose the greatest treasure of this life...
even thinking this makes my chest lurch!

Does time truly heal all grief and wounds?
How much strength does it take to harden the heart?
Does everyone eventually learn to hide emotion and tears?

No one will scold me anymore, send me random messages whenever they please.
The person whose authority I've always obeyed in this whole world
will no longer rule over me.
Am I truly breaking apart gradually?
What does it feel like to break—had I ever felt this before?
Do I even have the courage to accept this feeling?

I can't remember when I last hurt this much!
My right hand is breaking before my eyes...
yet I can do nothing!
All around me endless streams of oxygen, yet I cannot breathe.
Is it because I'm watching the person leave that I feel like crying?
Or was this crying trapped in my chest all along?