Still Far Enough

 
Today my mouth is sealed, I can say nothing more.
Once, like a parrot I chattered about you endlessly,
every feeling, every cry I held back nothing, gave it all to you!


Once I too had a time when words never ran dry,
though even now words haven't run dry!
Even today I could speak millions of sentences if I wished!
Yet today I say nothing, remain silent.
I cannot say, come, let's hold hands and live fiercely together!


Even now, I do love you still, yet cannot make anything understood,
today to say I love means I don't love quite enough!
Today so many words...stick like thorns in my throat!
Today whenever I try to speak, something clutches me tighter!
Today though I desperately want to speak, so much holds me back!


This gift of having you so completely as mine—
how did I even receive this?
Was I meant to receive so much?
Through countless moments the day passed hoping someday I'd have you,
but did the path end before I could ask for it?
Perhaps that's why such a festival of wounds! Doubt strikes the mind!


Suddenly I think, what kind of having is this having?
I got something, yet it feels like everything remains!
Like a fishbone stuck in the throat,
did I get her like that?
This isn't how I wanted her!


I wanted her completely—when you get her, you get all of her!
All my love and tenderness,
pouring it all out to shelter her, this is how I wanted her!
Now after all this time when I finally have her, why all these calculations?
My caresses will lie unused, my love will curse me daily,
nothing called victory will remain, the reverence will stay hoarded in untouchability!


Alas, which path shall I make my path!
Through the ages, how much more longing will this love gather!
If I get another life, I'll tell the Creator weeping,
in that life whether I get anything else or not,
let me have one person of my own, truly mine.


I admit it, I'm no celestial nymph,
and I also know, the one I love, I want him as my own too!
Even if I'm a beggar, I still dream of keeping him tenderly.
The one I got, who changed everything about me,
whom I keep watching, keep thinking of with every breath,
he stays the farthest away! Is this having, or just a nightmare's touch?


Will my whole life pass in this burning?
What I got and how much I got—the delusion of this accounting will remain in this life!
Then tell me, what need is there for the ledger book at all?
Let me put it aside, throw it far away! Let all this life's confusion go!


How much more will wounds burn me!
How much more will they threaten!
I've staked everything I have,
fighting and fighting I'll win this time, or I'll be completely destroyed!
Whatever damage happens, let it happen now!
Rather than living by running and hiding, let me die in battle instead!