Stay well, runaway

Again that same old story—you don’t love me anymore, you don’t love me anymore!
I know, I know! If you can, say something new! Something I don’t know!
Who asked for love, hmm? I never asked for it!
I just want to let my love be known.
Nothing more. I mean, I want to say that I love you. That’s all!
You won’t love me back, but you’ll listen. You have to listen!

I am not the kind of person
who could ask for more than this. You haven’t given me that right. I know this too.
You don’t love me, you never think of me,
I understand it all. You’ve forgotten everything. People forget everything. To stay alive, one must forget.
Even knowing all this, I love you, I think of you.

This one-sided love of mine won’t hurt anyone,
the country’s GDP or the central bank’s reserves won’t drop by a bit,
your cooking won’t have too much salt,
your husband’s belly won’t grow any bigger.
Even if our bridge collapses, the Padma Bridge will still be built one day.
If everything stays fine anyway, then why shouldn’t I love you?
Of course, even if the apocalypse comes, I’ll still love you!
What’s right, what’s wrong—I don’t think about that anymore!
Who’s thinking about whether I’m right or wrong?

You didn’t marry me, I’m not worthy of you either.
So what? You are worthy of me, the only one worthy!
I love only you, so why shouldn’t I think of you?
How many times I told you, don’t go, stay!
It’s just a small life, you’ll see, it’ll pass just fine!
………No one will ever speak like that again! It takes courage to say so much.
You didn’t listen to anything I said, did you? You left, didn’t you?
You left! What do I care? I love you anyway, I’ll keep loving you!
I’ll have to live bearing my own love—that’s your punishment!

You’re quite happy with your husband. I see on Facebook, from another account.
You’ve had me blocked since ages ago!
Tell me, does blocking make love fade away?
You’re still truly crazy! What’s a Facebook,
can you really push someone away with that!
Oh fool, Facebook needs data to run, not love or hate!
You blocked me, found peace? Very good!
I too am very peaceful seeing you.
If you can, block my heart right now, let me see!

You go shopping with your husband, traveling to so many places,
eating and feeding such delicious things!
Your husband loves to eat like I do, I suppose?
Do you cook for him? Will you invite me to eat someday? It’s been so long since I’ve had your cooking………
You got a very good husband, didn’t you, tell me?
A good man, a good husband, he’ll be a good father too someday.
He’s taking such good care of you, it looks so beautiful.
It looks beautiful when you’re happy, feels even better to think about it.
That’s why I watch you secretly like a thief.
When you fall in love, people become so many things!
I’ve only become a thief!

Tell me, does your husband bring you flowers? Tuck cheap jasmine in your hair?
Buy you books? Ask you to sit beside him and watch movies?
Tell you to listen when he hears good songs? Ask you to write poetry?
Take you out for puchka? Tell the chatpati uncle to add a little more tang? Do you ever stand in front of a tea stall and drink tea?
Or is it only Pizza Hut now?
Does he ever ask if it might hurt you a little?
Or do you now only like staying happy………don’t call to sadness anymore?
Do you still read poetry? Does Bhaskar Chakrabarty still have to stay beside your head?
What does your husband read? Rabindranath? Or Jibanananda?
Or doesn’t read at all? Rich people’s hearts shouldn’t have poetry, they say—when poetry comes, money runs away!
Poor people live eating such ashes! Tell me, have you become rich now too?
You think I’m angry? Oh fool, no! All that anger-shanger is nothing!
I love you, so I don’t get angry, sometimes just a little hurt, that’s all.

We could have had a home too! Couldn’t we?
I would have found a job eventually! People are born to find jobs!
Look, am I not working now? Am I still unemployed? I do get some real money now!
A small job, salary a little less than your husband’s………I mean, not a little, much less!
Still, couldn’t I have fed you twice a day? Are you a demon?
Couldn’t I have bought you a saree? And kept you in a small room?
We might not have had a car, I’d have bought you a rickshaw instead!
You used to be so stubborn about riding rickshaws! Do you still? “Uncle, drive slowly”………remember?
If I had you, I could have done everything! Couldn’t I? People can do everything……if they get a little love!

Is everyone in that house well? Do they love you? Speak to you with smiling faces? “What beautiful hair!”……do they say that too?
Remember, you used to like it so much when someone smiled? Do you still?
May your husband live long, may your unborn child’s father live long.
May that man keep you both very well. May smiles always cling to both your faces.
May your child be beautiful, may God make him human!
Stay healthy, stay well. May there be no sorrow in your home.

Don’t think of me; I know you don’t anymore. There’s so much else to think about!
I’m very well. I work, I eat, I sleep, I’m alive! And………
I think of you comfortably! Where could you escape to? Silly girl!
I don’t remember you, you just come to me……I don’t find relief, but I find a kind of peace! Understand?
You don’t understand, do you? Never mind, you don’t need to understand. You just always stay well, okay?
And wear your bindi a little smaller.
Keep sindoor in your hair-part, let the conch bangles always be on your hands!
You have to keep that man well! For you, for your child!
You don’t wear full-sleeve blouses anymore, I suppose, I never see you in red-bordered sarees either!
Will you wear one someday? Post a picture on Facebook? I’ll watch a little………
I want so much to see you in your own way.

Tell me, does your husband also ask you to wear sarees? Ask you to put alta on your feet? Buy you glass bangles?
I had bought anklets for you, remember? Saving up tuition money. Silver anklets.
You didn’t take them then, said to give them after marriage. The marriage has happened, shall I send them?
Will you wear them if I send them? Will you walk a little on grass with anklets on your feet? Or will you throw them away?
Go ahead and throw them! What do I care? Whether you throw me away or keep me,
believe me, it makes no difference to me at all.
I just love, I love without caring whether you love back or not!
I haven’t been able to do much in life, I’ve somehow managed to get a job, and
I’ve been able to love you. I can spend the rest of my life just doing this!

You know, mother tells me to get married! I laugh when I hear it and think,
mother is such a fool! She still doesn’t know that someone like me should never marry!
If you marry me, you have to suffer, stay poor, can’t ride in cars, and who knows what else happens!
By the way, are you thinking I’ll die because I didn’t get you?
It’s not that easy! If dying were easy, how many people in the world would have died!
Don’t you think people suffer staying alive? Acting all the time, accepting—how much can one bear?
Besides, if I die, how will I get to suffer thinking of you, tell me?
To suffer in this world, one has to stay alive!