You know, these days I've grown terribly quiet. Each morning when I wake to another sunny day, I no longer feel that old spark; I fall like mist, vanishing into the sun's folds before dawn even breaks.
My desires no longer drive me with urgency to live, with yearning to touch my dreams... as if I have nowhere to go, I am a calm river without destination.
Sudden dressing up, stepping out for no reason, chatting with old friends, impulsive shopping for hobbies, new clothes every day, saris-bangles-jeans-tops—nothing appeals anymore— all of it lost in exhaustion's shroud!
I never knew I'd become this way so quickly, the mundane monotony of life never appealed to me...never. I used to want to roam the city soaked in downpours, rickshaw hood down, when special days came, I'd feel the urge—today, no matter what, I must wear a sari and go out, entering shopping malls, my eyes would drift to new t-shirts, my favorite dress code was jeans and t-shirt, going out meant ice cream was essential... and now I get by just fine without any of it!
These days I've withdrawn terribly into myself, I prefer the comfort of my private shell, unnecessary chatter...absolutely not, scheming people irritate me even more.
There was a time I thought I had many, many close people. Yet at day's end, one by one, everyone became known— even parents become strangers without self-interest! That's why I've built high walls around myself, unnoticed by all. Though now, I live peacefully with myself.
The less I associate with selfish people, the better. I truly have no particular interest in anyone, nor do I mingle with anyone out of interest. As a human being, if I understand another's suffering and have the ability or means to help, I do so without self-interest, only what won't harm me, but I expect nothing in return— not even thanks.
I now know how quickly people become strangers once their interests are exhausted! How quickly people become ungrateful and destructive once their interests fade, I know all this now.
I truly have no one close these days, I have no relatives, but I never severed family ties. I simply fear them all, going near them destroys my peace, I want nothing from any of them; I only want them to let me live as I am.
Walking life's path, at some point its meaning changes. Things once deeply desired suddenly begin to fade, the arithmetic of needs grows smaller, places of trust become shaky.
Then a person searches with both eyes focused for just some human-like humans, seeks around themselves such people who won't become strangers in trouble or harm others out of envy for their joy; life's calculations change in just such a way, as if I've been preparing myself for today across an entire era.
I no longer feel like dreaming anew, forgotten memories don't often return, there's no regret over gains or losses, no pain or resentment in my heart whose weight would be burdensome to carry; no regret over my smallness, some enchanted gaze is blurred today, I never sit to balance life's accounts, I love keeping myself busy with my own work!
Sometimes questions suddenly arise in my mind: why am I moving forward so quickly? Where are my moments sinking away? Am I rushing too fast toward death?
Though I have no headache over such things either. One who has no attachments is always ready for death; and if nothing else, at least they don't fear death. Only when living becomes mandatory—if not for oneself then for someone else—does a person fear death!
Life knows that even at life's end, life has no death. Life is completely calm, still, flowing. Life's meaning is nothing but one life.
Today the fireflies turned to ash, stale water gathered in cupped palms.