Sin and Penance

My flowing time has stopped dead in its tracks…
No no, not today — it's been this way for years!
Now I've learned to swallow tears,
digest my sorrows and laugh while I play!
Now through trials and tribulations I've become 'mature'…!

This word makes me laugh…mature!
This simple little word has become like a poor man's 
dream of millions—
relentless in its work…ceaselessly busy!
Oh life! Life can be like this too!
Where even love shows up as thorns, punctual as always!
For one whose very birth seeks recognition
as sin from past lives,
even he…truly, you do make me laugh!

I've been a loss-project since birth!
How much can such a person accomplish in life!
I suppose this is what they call destination! Who knows!
They say if you work hard, all sorts of things happen!
It seems to me that the very capacity to work hard
has quietly slipped away from within me!

How wretched must one be to be compelled to stay alive—
perhaps only those who don't live it can never know.
People return from death's door,
or else cannot muster the courage to embrace death!
Most people simply die, they don't embrace death.
With these fearful eyes, watching death's
arbitrary dance with embrace, I'm utterly exhausted!

The person who thinks tonight is the final night,
saying "I'm dying…dying" and falling asleep,
only to be forced to witness morning's arrival—
there's a world of difference between him and the rest.
Listen friend, the dead don't see hell,
they have to see hell while they're still alive!

The poor man can at least be seen as poor,
but one who's poor despite being rich—
what agony he suffers! What can you call him?
He can neither call himself poor,
nor show off his wealth's arrogance!
What he does or doesn't do—giving account of this
to anyone never quite happens!

Now it seems to me that even the madman
wandering the streets is better off than I am!
At least he doesn't have to understand
what suffering is, how it feels when things hurt,
he doesn't have to learn to swallow tears,
or know how to digest pain.
He doesn't have to become the cause of suffering
for those closest to him,
doesn't have to remain a helpless, 
silent witness seeing them in pain.
At least he doesn't have to perform that terrible task
of befriending the complex people of this complex world!

Every night when I go to sleep,
watching myself dream false dreams
of seeing a morning painted in the light of some new hope,
today I am exhausted!
Exhausted!…even saying this word feels exhausting now!
How does someone so utterly useless get born into this world!
Being born the child of godlike parents—
should I call this the fruit of good deeds from my past life,
or penance for my parents' sins from previous births?
I can't figure it out! How to make myself helpless
and in turn make them helpless too—
let everyone learn this by watching me!
Just thinking I have to live another day
makes me gasp for breath…it feels like darkness is closing in…

What punishment could be greater than staying alive—
I don't know that right now! Life can be like this too!
This too is called living! Yes, I know, if you compare,
countless other people's anguished lives will emerge,
perhaps unimaginable even in nightmares!
I don't know even a fraction of theirs!

But I'm not as selfless as they are!
In my greed to live well with everyone,
the sin I've committed…the punishment for that sin
I must bear without objection, living out my full lifespan!