Plasters on the Wall of Thought: 133

Thought: Nine Hundred and Twenty-Five

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One. None of us can say when our prayers will be answered.
Two. Listen, brother, failing an exam isn't called smartness—it's called failure. True smartness lies in being able to later thumb your nose at that failure with your own merit.
Three. Some questions are answered directly by God. When humans answer them, they get it wrong. So it's better to remain silent when faced with such questions. When the time comes, God himself gives the answer with perfect clarity.
Four. Simply trying to balance life's accounts is enough to make one melancholy.
Five. No one thinks of me as a friend—just as a milking cow.
How utterly irritating! Always remember, your problems mean nothing to a stranger. So, first make them your friend. The rest will follow automatically.
Six. I went to visit the National Poet Kazi Nazrul Islam University campus. Nazrul's birth anniversary was being celebrated there magnificently. As a bonus, there was quite a wonderful book fair. The entire campus was alive with festivity all around! I truly had great joy buying books, taking photographs, chatting, wandering about, watching dances! The arrangements were genuinely captivating!
Some students had gathered in one spot, sitting and standing, creating a poetry recitation session. Quite enjoyable! They love poetry—they stay close to my heart.

May this university prosper.
Seven. I'm the one who gives importance to no one except you. Now I see everyone gives importance to me—only you don't.
Eight. To live well, you must learn to ignore well.
Nine. Those who know how to love infinitely, most of them also know how to give infinite pain.
And often they love people who place no real value on love.
Ten. People think just saying sorry makes everything right. What a strange expectation!
Eleven. I saw something amusing. A place called Seedstore. In people's mouths it has become "Sisstore"!
Can you tell me a couple more place names like this?
To those in Chittagong—didn't any of you call Subarea "Siberia" or hear it called that in childhood?
Twelve. I avoid irritating people as much as possible. They shorten the lifespan of the mind.

There's no such thing as love for me. I only believe in peace.
...Those who say such things actually want love in the end. But they don't want it from someone who gives unrest in the guise of love.
Peace—only peace is the first and last word in this life. When people find peace, they completely forget about love. This is why peaceful people are always more cherished than loving ones.
Thirteen. When you're having sex with your partner, you feel two bodies.

When you're holding your partner tightly to your chest, you feel one body.
In love, moving divides, holding unites.
Fourteen. A friend is one

who uploads that photo of you

where you look good,

even if it makes them look terrible.
(Come, let's create complications among friends and have some fun.)
Fifteen. Going to the airport restroom, the moment I looked at the commode, Rabindranath came to mind... "You have kept the path of your creation crowded..."
My predecessor's earnest effort to carefully tend his creation made me intensely envious. So I spontaneously destroyed all his floating creations in an instant. Through this destruction of another's creation, my eyes found peace. Ah!
Envy doesn't just spread stench—it dispels it too!
Sixteen. A couple of people asked me in my inbox whether I cook or not.
Of course I do. I cook water.
Take some water in a pot and place it on the stove. Stir it—slowly at first, then vigorously. When it starts boiling, serve hot. That's it!
Since I taught you this recipe for free, don't forget to light the stove again in your joy! What good would it do without fire, brother?
Seventeen. How did you spend your holiday?
I spent it...

sleeping well,

gaining weight (not mentally),

reading a little,

wandering a bit,

delivering status updates,

buying books.
There's more.

Your digestive capacity seems limited, so I stopped.
What's your news?
Eighteen. Respect is a trap, so is disrespect.
Nineteen. The initial shock of a breakup is not easy to bear.
The decision to part ways with a friend or beloved is an extremely difficult thing to do. People cry before making this decision, and they cry after it too. This is natural.
It's natural that thoughts of the one who left, or the one I let go, will come to my mind. I'll often think we could have stayed together.
Relationships don't just break on their own. There are many reasons behind it. Those very reasons are sufficient to prevent the relationship from being mended again. There's no greater foolishness than destroying oneself by dwelling on what has broken. What has broken was meant to break, otherwise it wouldn't have. What's meant to stay never leaves.
If you want to keep yourself well, it's better not to try mending broken relationships. Even post-breakup friendships with someone you once loved don't last very long. While you can turn a friend into a lover, doing the reverse is very difficult.
You can keep an ex in distant good wishes and love, but you can never keep them close anymore—on the contrary, the relationship becomes worse than before. Why create bad blood with someone dear!
So it's natural to miss the person after a relationship ends. Even after missing them terribly, burying all desire to mend that relationship under stone in your chest is also natural. Keeping these two natural truths in mind, the silent rumination of beautiful memories from the relationship is essential for mental health.
**Thought: Nine Hundred Twenty-Six

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One. The days we passed through terrible anxiety could not break us. We survived in the end.

Those weeks when we couldn't sleep at all, drowning in horrible depression, we overcame that ordeal too. Living was painful, yet we lived.

Even in our months of deepest melancholy, we managed to keep ourselves alive somehow. Sad hearts, bad times, yet our life force remained unbroken.
Life has taught us to survive. Our attention and patience in those classes of life undoubtedly deserve praise. We have either already received the reward for that suffering, or we will receive it very soon.
We will definitely receive our reward—living in this faith, truly living, is what we call living life.
Two. Whatever you do, do it thoughtfully.

Your subconscious mind often cannot distinguish between truth and falsehood, and the price for this you must pay, sooner or later. You must pay it!
Therefore, it is crucial to be mindful of what you expose yourself to and what you keep yourself away from.
What you see influences your thoughts. What you hear influences your feelings. Those you associate with influence your lifestyle.
Human beings are shaped by their surroundings. Whatever form something takes, prolonged contact with it gradually molds a person into that very form. One who dwells among the cheap becomes cheap in the end.
Those who can place themselves within environments that align with their life's goals and needs—their lives stay on the right path.
Those who seek and find happiness in wrong deeds alongside wrong people must one day pay the ultimate price for that happiness.
Three. The colors of this world are not merely black and white. There are other colors here. Open your eyes and you can see those colors. But for that, you must know how to open your eyes.
Those who tell you there are no colors beyond black and white—inquire and you'll discover their lives are exactly that: black and white. They want no other colors in your life either. Unhappy people want to see more unhappy people around them. This gives them joy.
If you remain only with such people who have just those two colors in their lives, your own life too will become such black and white. You won't even realize when this happens to you, but it will happen.
Remember, what you understand and think is not everything. Life exists beyond this, colors exist beyond this. How you see your life depends largely on your beliefs and capabilities. Change your beliefs, expand your capabilities. This is what it takes to beautify life.
There's no rule that says you must confine yourself to the same room where others keep themselves. Each person's room is different. Never place yourself in a room that isn't yours. Even if the whole world asks you to—don't do it, if you want to live.
Life is like magic. If you want to learn magic, go to a magician. Don't associate with someone who doesn't know magic at all. Walking with the lame won't teach you to walk. Move away before it's too late. Break down and rebuild your concepts and beliefs anew. What cannot keep you well—if it's not even a trust from your father and grandfather, what's the point of clinging to it?
Four. If you had kept speaking, I would have stayed with eyes closed without a second thought. But you pushed me away and made it clear that even if I wanted to, there would be no place for me here.
I didn't desire you so desperately out of mere physical need. Behind my wanting you, there was far less physical reason than there were mental and spiritual ones. I always felt your absence from within, I wanted you in exchange for everything, wanted to live with you alone or centered around you.
But I found no place. I know I was never worthy of it, never was; yet if fortune had granted it to me, I had the ability to hold onto it—I have it still. I know without doubt that I want only you, yet circumstances have forced me to go elsewhere. Sometimes this emptiness twists me so deeply inside that I feel waves of resentment toward you. Again and again my heart asks: what would have happened if you had made just a little room for me in your life?
Even having gone elsewhere, your absence clings to the corners of my lips, and my bewildered heart daily turns you into the guilty one, the criminal. It seems to me that if I had found even a small place with you, I would never have gone anywhere else. Perhaps you don't understand yet, but a person cannot live in complete solitude. Everyone needs someone.
For years I kept myself completely alone, separated from all social bonds, and I've seen that the mental strength required to remain alone—perhaps I no longer possess it. Otherwise, why does such thick darkness surround me whenever I think that I must live in complete solitude? Why does fear make my skin crawl? Immediately I think: whoever is there, even if they are someone distant from my heart, what harm is there... let them stay! At least I won't have to live in complete solitude! That this person, even in their inadequacy, can make me forget your absence—isn't that something? But every time they come and stand before me, this thoughtless heart involuntarily tells itself: look, how unworthy I am compared to you!
I keep looking and thinking that there truly is such a thing as fate! The person I must keep almost by compulsion, or the place where I must stay by compulsion—if that isn't fate, what else could it be? If I hadn't reached this point today, or if I weren't so compelled, I would never have stayed near this person. This is not my will but the Creator's will, and their fate is bestowed by the Creator himself. What is misfortune for me or in my presence becomes fortune for someone else or in someone else's life!
Five. You have taken tests before, you are taking them now, and you will take them in the future.

If you ever feel you can't go on anymore, that it's time to run away, remember this: such moments have come before too, when you thought, enough, now I'll accept defeat—yet because you didn't surrender then, you've been able to reach where you are today.
Do you know how humans are made? Humans think, and often think: I can't anymore, I can't take this much suffering—yet somehow they manage to endure it all.

Humans are born to endure.

You too are human, so you too will manage.

Just don't give up—that's all it takes.
Thought: Nine Hundred Twenty-Seven

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One. If you feel you need some rest, tell your friends: you all go ahead, I'm not coming with you.

If you feel you need to recharge yourself, do whatever you feel like doing, even if you had other plans.
If suddenly you don't feel like doing some task, stop doing it.

Give yourself time. The mind desperately needs this time to collect itself.
Going against the mind is not called living. When you sit there with a heavy heart, you'll see that not one of those people will be beside you—those whose feelings you tried to spare while your own heart grew troubled.
Some will call you selfish, others rude. And even if they do, what harm comes of it? You are the one who must care for your mental health. Why should you bear such responsibility for tending to the hearts of those who do not understand you?
Most of what we think we're obliged to do, we're not actually obliged to do at all. We create these obligations ourselves. Those who think beyond necessity unknowingly push themselves toward uncomfortable situations.
Learn to say "no." We are not always bound to say "yes," even when it goes against our heart's desire.
Two. People want to receive far more than they give.

Perhaps this is why emptiness settles in me at day's end.

Every time I've tried to live, even a little, I've felt like a drowning person—this too, likely for the same reason.

Whenever I've sought a little peace for myself, peace has moved a little farther away.
I had thought that if I gave of myself completely, everyone would love me. I was wrong.

I believed that if I did for everyone, they would understand me, at least a little. My belief was entirely mistaken.
Every night, my vessel of life emptied itself for others' happiness; nothing remained in it for my own survival.

Nearly all my strength was spent on people who misunderstood me and caused me pain, day after day.
In short, this is my life.
Three. Those with very tender hearts become happy even with very little. Everyone benefits by deceiving them. Understanding everything, they silently accept it all. This needs to change.
May everyone in this world receive the love they deserve; may no one simply love without receiving anything in return. One-sided love gradually drives a person mad.
It's better to wait for someone who will stay by your side, seeing you as truly human, showing love, respect, and reverence. The mistake we make is this: we keep convincing ourselves, I'm fine, everything will work out someday. A little more waiting—yes, let me wait just a bit longer and see what happens! Pretending to be content with yourself while staying with the wrong person eventually destroys a person.
Your love is not worthless. Your love has value. Learn to recognize and make others recognize that value. People with gentle hearts were not born merely to suffer.
On the journey to happiness, you must gather all your emotions, feelings, desires, and whatever else is needed for happiness, and place them above everything else. You cannot be so emotionally driven. What value does an emotion have if it gradually destroys you? When love continuously damages your self-respect, harboring it in your heart soon destroys all confidence. One who was born to be fulfilled instead lives life empty—what sense does that make?
Four. Sushanto, you see, judging people as a human being is very difficult work. Sometimes I feel helpless, but there's nothing to be done—this is my job. I have to do this to earn my living.

What are you saying, sir! We judge people constantly in our daily lives. Whether we know them or not. It's practically a job outside our job! Unpaid overtime!
Five. A flowering tree and a cactus entangled in classical prohibition! Simple, beautiful, standing at some distance, yet moonlight revels so very near!
Six. Unlearn to learn.
Seven. Not loving is better than disturbing.
Eight. In the end, only what matters is, how kind or unkind you are, not how right or wrong you are. Be kind. Kindness acts like a magic.
Nine. When I come to you, I somehow feel like a traveler, yet when I think of departing, I'm haunted by the guilt of watching someone become destitute before my eyes. To distance myself from one whose only wealth is me requires not just courage, but far greater mental strength. This is such a dilemma—staying means sacrificing much happiness, yet if I were to leave, there's hardly any destination ahead. I'm not entirely happy with you, but the mere thought of leaving you brings down an uncertain, deep darkness. Finding myself caught in such doubts every moment, I sometimes feel disgust toward myself. I ask myself repeatedly: Why am I like this? Why am I so difficult even to myself?
Ten. A truly loving person will place their beloved's dignity above everything else. If someone doesn't do this, understand that they never loved you. Another possibility: if someone doesn't understand their own sense of self-respect, it's impossible for them to recognize where another's dignity is being wounded. One who doesn't know how to respect others perhaps doesn't properly understand their own respect either. One who cheapens themselves before everyone cannot protect another's dignity.
To keep oneself well, to keep oneself happy, one must appear bad to many people, must be tremendously so-called selfish. You can never claim your rights while remaining good in others' eyes. What's the use of being good in others' eyes if you yourself remain miserable?
From the day, from the moment someone speaks up for their own well-being, their own rights, they unknowingly create many enemies. Everyone bears the burden of their own life, so if keeping myself well makes me a thorn in many eyes, what can be done? Let whoever think whatever they wish—the responsibility for my own well-being and happiness must be mine alone. Let my family, relatives, or friends think whatever they please; it doesn't matter to me one bit. At day's end, you have to cry your own tears—no one else will come and cry for you.
If someone must become completely alone in order to live with dignity, even that solitude is satisfying to live with. It's more important to be well with yourself than to suffer with someone else. That solitude is very necessary—the solitude that's essential for keeping oneself alive. For the sake of one's own dignity, giving even an inch to anyone in this world is nothing short of suicide.
Thought: Nine Hundred Twenty-Eight

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One. From one who doesn't love, everything must be begged for. Their time, their importance, even their attention. One mustn't become such a fool by loving someone. I love someone, but that doesn't mean I should forget my love for myself. Anyone can neglect; perhaps people receive the most neglect from their beloved, but that doesn't mean I should neglect myself too.
When I love someone, I try to understand what that person wants, and I endeavor to fulfill those desires with all my strength. But the person I love doesn't reciprocate—instead, I have to keep pointing out their indifference toward me. Day by day, this deteriorates our relationship. Whatever this may be, it cannot be love. Friendship is better than this.
The problem is, most people do this deliberately. They intentionally ignore the one who loves them, causing pain. Perhaps they derive some mental satisfaction from it. Someone who lacks self-respect might accept this or pretend not to understand and carry on, but ultimately this doesn't make the person happy. Forcing someone's attention only makes you worthless in their eyes.
Two. : Darling, did you poop today?

: Yes. Why?

: How could you poop without telling me?! How could you?! Go on, we're breaking up!!
Subsequently, after the breakup, they knock on Sushanta Paul and say, Brother, my heart isn't well today.
Three. No discount needed, just give service.

No love needed, just give peace.
Four. If you or your problem doesn't matter to a person, never expect any help or solution from them.
Five. Your body is beautiful. Never let yourself or anyone else misuse it. Remember, BODY MATTERS.
Six. Once a friend, not always a friend.
Seven. If you keep the unnecessary things that take you nowhere, those things will gradually take you to the path of destruction.
Eight. How one looks doesn't matter at all. Even the ugliest, most unsightly person, once they get someone to their liking, begins to despise them. So no matter how much you love, never become slavishly devoted like a dog. Become like that and you'll be kicked at every step, and all you'll do is cry.
Nine. Padma Bridge,

Source of pride!
Whether we can or cannot,

Everything has become known today!
Ten. When my mind stops working altogether,

Even then I can settle on a name for that moment.
When life crumbles and falls completely apart,

Even then I can give that helplessness a name.
When everything suddenly becomes chaotic,

Even then I can call that time by a name.
When there's a mountain-like burden on these shoulders, a kingdom's worth of turmoil in the mind,

Even then I can give that unbearable pain a gentle name.
Where do those names come from...in such troubled times?

From sorrow. Who has ever been able to create without experiencing sorrow?
Eleven. If you keep waiting, the waiting only grows.
Twelve. Knowing how to do something isn't the point—being able to do it is what matters.
Everyone knows, but how many can actually do it?!
Those "I could conquer the world with words!" types are irritating as friends and irritating as enemies.
Dreams in the seventh case, actions in the null case!

Blue-level talk, but no money in the pocket even for a Bengali meal!

Dreams of AK-47 rifles, actions of toy pistols!
Thirteen. There will come a time in life when you will have no real desires.

Even in profound sorrow you won't weep, even in tremendous joy you won't laugh.

New gains will stir no interest, new losses will awaken no pain.

Life will become like a living robot on flowing railway tracks; life moves on... let it move... just like that!

People turn to stone receiving small sorrows one by one, they become numb losing again and again, breaking piece by piece until one day a person becomes so minute like a grain that those broken fragments can no longer be shattered. At some point, even if a person wants to, they cannot break anymore.

Then what? From then on, people become possessed of extraordinary strength. They cannot be broken at will, they cannot be molded at will.

Intense sorrow, deep joy or perfect betrayal... none of these things shake a person much anymore.

This is how life will flow like a tideless river, a river where no high tide comes, no low tide falls.
Fourteen. Dawn has broken at my window, where are you!
Beside the pillow, in the spectacle frames, in the half-drunk glass of water, in the window shutters—how much I've searched...
Fifteen. If someone cheats on you, cheat on them. Loyalty is a precious gift. Not everyone deserves it. Simple.
Sixteen. My work seems good to me.

Your work seems good to you.

My work seems bad to you.

How your work seems to me, I don't know. Except for my own, I generally have no headaches about anyone else's work.
Just one request: let me go to hell for my bad deeds. Surely you won't have to bear responsibility for my record of actions.
Am I bad? I'm fine this way, living this way... without harming anyone. Let me remain bad in my own way. You stay good in your own way.
My work, my dharma.

My work, your adharma.

Stop chasing after adharma.
Thank you, please don't come again. Focus on your own work.
Seventeen. Respect is a trap. They prohibit you from enjoying your life by respecting you.
Eighteen. My elder son was in class six then, when they used to show an ad on TV about AIDS. It explained how AIDS spreads! They showed a black cat entering a dark room, blood being given and taken through syringes, and through sexual intercourse!
Meanwhile, one day a black cat entered our house at night. I saw both brothers together were about to catch that cat and practically beat it to death! When I asked, 'Why are you treating the cat this way?' my elder son said, this cat has brought the AIDS disease. My younger son, then 4 years old, said, look, they show ads on TV! When my elder son started rattling off the causes he'd learned from TV by heart, he suddenly asked me, Ammu, what is sexual intercourse?
Hearing the question, I was completely taken aback! What answer should I give! I try this, I try that... the two brothers won't let go, I simply have to tell them! I said, haven't you read about pollination of flowers in your science book? That's what sexual intercourse means. I see he immediately sat down with the book, but that business didn't quite seem like pollination to him. The pestering started again! Finding no way out, I said, this is medical language, so I don't understand it. When your doctor uncle comes home, I'll ask him, then you can know properly!
I heaved a sigh of relief. About three months later, their doctor uncle came to visit. The moment he opened the gate, the two brothers cornered him with their question: "Uncle, what is sexual intercourse?" Uncle was taken aback and said, "What kind of question is this! I've just arrived, let me sit down, rest a bit, then ask your questions!"
Oh, the anticipation of my two boys! Their uncle quietly asked me what had happened. I told him about the ad. He couldn't figure out what to say! Just before bedtime, they asked their uncle the same question again. Poor uncle replied, "This chapter hasn't been covered yet. When it is, I'll let you know!" "Promise?" "Absolutely solid promise!"
Poor uncle still hasn't read that chapter! Meanwhile, his nephews have already completed their PhD on the subject! Ha ha ha...
Nineteen. It's far more comfortable to avoid judgmental people than to prove yourself good in their eyes. Why bother getting along with everyone? It's better to stay away from those whose company only brings irritation. Of course, they have the nature of dogs—even if you avoid them, they'll keep circling around your rear end. You can't even imagine how many people's very survival depends on your backside! Most of those who make a living judging us are complete strangers to us.
Thoughts: Nine Hundred Thirty-nine

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One. I never feel like forgiving someone who doesn't know how to apologize for their actions.
Two. There's no worse excuse than love when it comes to claiming the right to cause someone pain.
Three. Not love, but peace.
Four. Many can become lovers, but how few know how to be friends!
Five. You can spend a great deal on a trustworthy person, because trustworthiness is something that has no monetary value.
Six. Some chains look like love,

Some love is actually made of chains.
Seven. When Mirza Ghalib learned that his friend and devotee Diwan Fazlullah Khan had passed by his house without visiting, Ghalib was deeply hurt. He was pained by Diwan Fazlullah's behavior of not meeting him despite being so close. He then sent a letter to the Diwan, which read:
"Today I feel such remorse that I'm dissolving into the earth with shame. What greater unworthiness could I have than that you passed by my house, yet I couldn't even appear on the path to greet you once. How unfortunate I am!"
Upon receiving the letter, the Diwan immediately went to visit Ghalib.
You know, my fate is like Ghalib's—when you left from nearby, we never met again. You passed by my house so many times, yet never once let me know. I'm unworthy of even a small message from you!
You often say that you shouldn't have expectations from those you love. Fine, you're right. But what was my expectation of you? Just to see you! This one small hope—that's all I had! Is even the simple desire to see you a sin?
I didn't even ask you to keep me in the smallest corner of your heart! I only wanted to see you, wanted to care for you tenderly for a little while.
Just as I don't want to see those I don't love, the thought of caring for them doesn't occur to me either. So it's quite natural...wanting to see the person you love.
There's no sin in this seeing, no obscenity; there's only love. Alas, you didn't understand!
Eight. This brief life of ours — I could be perfectly content with just the love of your friendship. What kind of love is mine, what sort exactly, I don't know. But when you're well, I feel good; when someone else praises you, I feel good. In your absence, I suddenly crumple and collapse, become utterly desolate, yet even without you, thinking of you alone, I remain perfectly content. Remembering the beautiful moments spent with you, I am profoundly happy. You keep me well even without keeping me close. This much is what love means to me.
Nine. Can I truly live alone?
The thought of being alone frightens me terribly, you know! I can't find the strength within. I feel I could never survive on my own. I need at least one person to talk to, someone I can think of as my own whenever I wish. It's only for this reason that I'm afraid to leave relationships.
It's not that I'm particularly well or happy. I just think — at least I have my own place to call whenever I want; what would I have if even this weren't there? Yes, it's only for this reason that many times, even while trying to take steps, I've accepted everything and patched up the relationship, but I can't really find any solution. I simply can't gather the courage to be completely alone. What am I to do!
Truly knowing those close to us isn't easy. With great courage, hiding our weaknesses, we consider certain people close to us for a limited time, then eventually have to push them away, sometimes behave unexpectedly and undesirably, wrap ourselves in masks... Does this person want only my good side? Or do they have the capacity to accept the bad as well? Or does my sudden change alter how they treat me?
Sometimes one must push away the fear of loss and gather courage to know the truth. And in doing all this, if that person drowns with the current and disappears, there's no need for regret — because the right person never fears seeing difficult moments. They know exactly when to simply cling to the ground and endure.
Am I truly living with the right person?
Ten. Once life becomes chaotic, it never gets fixed again. Today, for so many years, I've been putting all this effort into setting everything right... When one side gets fixed, the other side goes wrong; when I try to fix the other side, this side becomes chaotic. Where surviving against the current in fierce rapids is unbearable, reaching shore now seems nothing more than a pipe dream to me. I'm tired from all this pushing; I'll let go of the boat's rudder now — let it go wherever it pleases. I didn't know one wrong step could drag a person down like this.
Ever since I've been walking with you, since getting to know something about you, I've been saying almost constantly that I want to stay near you, or that I very much wish to be with you... Has the question ever come to your mind — why do I harbor such an intense desire to stay so close to you?
The question should have occurred to you — then at least you would have known the real reason. It's not that I want to stay close to you simply because I love you, drawn only by that love. I actually wanted to remain in your presence. There's something I know and believe: when lesser souls or so-called unworthy people stay near great beings, a transformation occurs within them. In the company of great souls, profound changes happen in a person's thoughts and perspectives, and their way of seeing external things shifts entirely. Through our brief conversations, through spending fleeting moments of life with you, I've gained insights that — in truly understanding you and thereby understanding myself — would never have been possible had you not entered my life. Thank you for that!
I want this shadow of yours within me to remain intact. Because I believe you are a person of extraordinary stature. In all my field of vision, I've never encountered anyone of such magnitude. Not everyone has the fortune to know great souls intimately — in that sense, I've had whatever fortune was possible in knowing you. Yet it seems to me this knowing is utterly meager. I wish to know you more deeply, to write about you — though I lack the wisdom adequate to reveal the person within you. I think allowing others to know oneself, being able to see oneself through their eyes, is also a tremendous opportunity... to judge oneself from every angle.
I think after some time you'll need people who can speak openly about everything with you, who hold you in good regard. Though I won't be among them, this much is true: by letting you be yourself, I can at least somewhat capture you from my perspective.
I am someone living in the present. In the future, I may not have the chance to find this person in this way, or my mentality might change at any time. I believe in the coming of such days. What I can make myself accomplish in these present days — I consider that significant enough; whether anything better will come from me, I don't know, nor do I particularly wish to know. Through knowing you, I'll learn what true greatness looks like in human beings — this will be my greatest gift from time immemorial. The great souls who have manifested themselves to the world across ages and departed — I'll never have the opportunity to see them so closely or know them, but through you I can sense something of their heights. This is what matters most to me.
If innocence is destroyed within someone, I believe it's a kind of spiritual death. It simply cannot be that expressing innocence would destroy one's former personality, ruin one's old image — because innocence itself is a rare personality. None can justify it with dignity. The more I know you, the more I move myself toward that new personality. I enjoy this journey; I truly have no expectation of gaining anything more. Even if you don't keep me close, let me remain near — how about that?
Reflection: Nine Hundred Thirty

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One. For most girls, "I won't eat anymore" means: "I'll eat if you feed me by hand."
Foolish boys, not understanding this simple signal, say "Okay!" in front of the girl and proceed to gobble everything up themselves.
A boy who doesn't know how to feed another—loving him or making a home with him brings no joy.
Two. I think of people either as friends or I don't think of them at all. I don't think in terms of brother, sister, sir, madam—nor do I want anyone to think of me that way. An eighty-year-old elder or an eight-year-old child—both are either my friend or nothing at all.
Three. Even the worst of circumstances is infinitely better than dying.
Four. We often cannot quite figure out which person is truly closest to us. Perhaps we think the one who supports us most is closest, because we find them beside us in times of trouble. But is that very person the one we can embrace with a broken heart and cry ourselves to relief? How can anyone know who truly belongs to their soul? The answers to such questions will emerge from within us someday.
In life's most painful moments, the people who come flooding back to mind, or whose face floats before our eyes in those difficult times, making us desperately want to run and embrace them and weep—that person is truly our closest, our soul's companion. This is the person before whom we can be unburdened without hesitation, in whose presence all exhaustion, worry, despair, unfulfillment, or melancholy transforms into joy.
In the hardest moments, when we close our eyes and someone's face appears like a photograph before us, when we desperately wish we could hold them close right now, go to them and cry, or tell them—look, see how much I'm hurting! That very person is our closest, our soul's companion, with whom we feel our spirit has made complete connection.
How strange it feels when that very person wounds us deeply, causes us pain, yet even in that moment, even bearing the hurt they've given, we still want to go to them! Ah, what an ocean of helplessness we float in as we live! In that silence where all language becomes mute, only the essence of translation remains, whose weight only our innermost self knows!
Five. I once tried to understand women. Then I realized that in trying, I was forgetting what I actually knew. So I stopped trying. What to do—one must survive! Women have only one grammar: they have no grammar at all. I used to think women were incomprehensible; now I understand they are actually beyond comprehension. Men's minds move in just a few limited directions, while women's approach the infinite. Rather than trying to understand women's minds, it's easier to quietly accept—or remain silent even when not accepting—all the various sweet words, random words, harsh words they speak at different times. Men are bad, but women are not bad.
Six. We don't think the way others think. This difference in thought is natural, beautiful, true. If I try to impose my beliefs on others, then either my beliefs are flimsy, or I myself am flimsy. The more someone respectfully accepts differing opinions and different paths, the more elevated their mentality as a human being.
Seven. One who has the power to run a harem himself—why would he want to be a gatekeeper to someone else's harem?!
Eight. You will get exactly the kind of loyalty from a boy that you seek. But for that, you'll have to meet one tiny condition: you must believe everything he says, even if it means going against the entire world.
Nine. In the lane where our house is, all the homeowners are either my father's colleagues or friends. All of them retired. Besides me, there are two other uncles' daughters who are divorced.

One is about 36, the other is 3-4 years younger than me. The younger one's father has given her a separate flat to live alone. She works in buying; with her own money she drinks, smokes, wears Western clothes, never covers her head or chest, has completely gone astray.
Since she lives alone, she naturally smokes and drinks at home. I think, when I flood my chest with tears at any hour, spend sleepless nights despite having worlds of sleep in my eyes... why do I suffer so much? If I just had a cigarette or two like her, I could be carefree. What's it to anyone if I drink or smoke? I do nothing at all, yet my parents have endless regrets about me!
Society only says: The girl has completely gone to ruin... tsk tsk tsk!... I understand why the girl smokes, why her room stays lit all night! Tormented by society's words, even her own parents separated her! So what should she do? Just cry day and night? What's the use in that? She has to live, doesn't she? If smoking helps her at least avoid suicide then... let her smoke!
This society pounces when it sees someone living their own way, but remains indifferent when they die. When my death means nothing to society, why should I care about that society's glares on my path to survival?! Those who pursue others are the most helpless creatures anywhere.
The truly good-for-nothing are probably those who cannot even die if they want to! The path to survival for such people is not easy. Not letting them live their way is a sin. This society is a society of sinful people. Engaging in religious practice day and night will bear no fruit if we become obstacles in another's path to living.
Ten. Too much care is annoying.
Eleven. Don't reply, just keep working hard. One day you'll become that person whose face is enough to give all the replies without replying.
Twelve. In this world, no one ever belongs to just one person.
Thirteen. Not talent, not talent... labor... labor!
Fourteen. Sir, why are you so beautiful? Every time I see you, I fall in love.
Sir, I saw you in a dream today, absolutely true!
Background music:
I am the lover, you are the beloved...

I am the lover, you are the beloved...

I am the loverrrr...

You are the beloved...

I am the beloved...

You are the beloved...

I am the beloveddddd...
Fifteen. In chains and in discipline... at your service.
Sixteen. You find satisfaction merely in the sight of wine, while my satisfaction lies only in drinking it. Neither you nor I are at fault. When has there ever been unity in people's habits! But if, even after knowing this habit of mine, you extend that invitation to wine where drinking wine is distant, even touching wine is a contemptible sin, then I say, I do not wish to repeat in this life the injustice to my heart by accepting a second invitation from such a fool as you.
Seventeen. I was walking barefoot on the seashore, holding your hand. The left side above my lip is swollen. We're having a sweet quarrel about how it got swollen.
Me: This has happened because of you.

You: Oh no no, looks like something bit me! Ha ha ha...

Me: You bit me; I have sensitive skin, kiss me a little too long and my lips swell up like a duck's beak.

You: Ha ha ha...it looks rather nice though! But I didn't do anything. I think a cockroach bit you.

Me: You're the cockroach!
The cold wind is howling...it will rain again...
I open my eyes and see—why is this dawn so cold? Oh right, it rained last night. On my phone screen I see it will rain again in about an hour. But that was supposed to happen in my dream!
This is truly strange!!
Reflection: Nine Hundred Thirty-One

………………………………………………………
One. For whom do I wait and watch, and who actually comes! Ah, strangers come and feast upon all the preparations of this heart!
Two. You see true love,

I see a transit point.
Three. Everyone magnifies and displays their own children and problems as larger than they are.
Four. Money from the poor and time from the busy...never ask for these without reason; even if you ask, you won't get them.
Five. Cultivating the essence is more urgent than cultivating religion.
Six. Say you're unemployed; living off your father's earnings because of this. Does that mean you're bound to accept everything they say? If you don't follow their wishes or refuse to do their bidding whenever they demand, and they slap you or raise their hands against you—would that be justified? I mean, does becoming a parent automatically grant us this right?
Even when the acts of disobedience aren't very serious...say, if you raise your hand against your child for not doing something utterly trivial...?
After a certain age, not just sons but daughters too become thorns in their parents' eyes; meaning in this world, no one is truly your own except yourself.
The affection and love between parents and children, or children and parents—this too is relative. Everything collapses eventually. Everything has an end. People endure because people understand.
Disciplining a child out of love for their well-being is one thing, but constantly belittling them in their daily life is another. These can never be signs of love.
And yes, everything has its feedback.
Because we don't always act considering the consequences.
Just because I swallowed it today doesn't mean I won't be able to answer back tomorrow—this may not hold true in all cases. Everything has its limits. People don't remain small forever.
Sometimes many things suddenly come flooding back. Then, losing control of my mind, I blurt out so much. A person never forgets the injustices and humiliations done to them; perhaps they temporarily accept the situation, silently endure it...that's all. They think, let me stay quiet and see what happens!
I have never said a word to anyone except you. But I shouldn't speak harshly even to you, yet I do, because if these things accumulated inside, I might have created distance with you or done something negative toward you. I didn't want to let that happen, so I've said whatever came to mind; it ended there and then, nothing remained except love.
Seven. There's a possibility I might suddenly disappear someday.

Say, if I were to suddenly vanish one day without telling anyone, far away from everyone...?

And then never return?
I choose to remain lost...to stay forgotten...I once had a family, had so much worth telling...

Then suddenly here I am, alone. No one anywhere waits for me.

Everyone becomes this alone someday.
Eight. I am not well.

Clouds have gathered in the sky of my mind,

rain will fall any moment now...
If you hold my hand gently,

I'll bring down a moonlit night.
The clouds have turned terribly dark,

let it be today, speak tomorrow...

let there be moonlight tonight,

deep wounds within the heart.
Nine. Laziness is expensive. If you can afford it, enjoy it.
Ten. Before doing any task, check whether it brings you joy and whether it harms anyone. If the answer to the first is 'yes' and to the second is 'no,' then I say, 'Do it!'
Eleven. I understand what you're saying, fat girls have good hearts.

Please, try to understand what I'm saying too—fat girls also have fat bodies.
Twelve. Some get burned trying to love, others get burned trying to cook.
Thirteen. Am I crazy? Say whatever you like! After sorting out my own life, there's no harm in calling others crazy!
Fourteen. The storm hasn't stopped, but I've grown accustomed to it. This silence of mine is called habituation.
Fifteen. Most of the people want a trustworthy friend with a good heart and a loose character.
Sixteen. I know there are many, many husbands who eat quietly with satisfaction, without the slightest complaint.
My father was an extraordinary chef; until he fell ill, he could cook almost everything. I have never seen father make even the slightest negative comment about anyone's cooking, let alone complain. Even if there's no salt in the food, it's no problem—father will eat it with gratitude just the same. Father has always been a contented and satisfied person, therefore a happy person.
Mother was often ill, so from childhood I watched father do all the household work—cooking and washing dishes, washing clothes, cleaning the house. With uncomplaining eyes and a smiling face, father did this year after year. I haven't seen many people in this life so free of complaints and so patient.
Effusive praise of people came naturally to father—whether it was my mother or anyone else. Whatever might be lacking or excessive in the curry, I never saw father complain about anything; with a smiling face, without wasting words, he would eat it all with satisfied belches. Yes, I know there are many like my father. Infinite respect and love for them.
Seventeen. When a boy eats his own cooking, he enjoys it with such satisfaction despite minor mistakes in the cooking, but when his wife makes even one of those same mistakes, the poor woman has to hear twice as much scolding from her husband.
Eighteen. Most people, after becoming established, waste more expensive food sitting in restaurants than they ever got to eat even a tenth of in childhood, no matter how much they wanted it. Of course, what would they want to eat—they probably didn't even know such foods existed in childhood.
Nineteen. I believe that to get something, you must give something. So I sometimes give certain people things they never expected to receive. The benefit of this is that somehow I too sometimes receive things I never expected to get.
Let me put it more simply: to receive something from the Creator, one must give something in return.
Twenty. The best revenge is to keep yourself alive.
Twenty-one. Three kinds of people will envy you:
First, those who want what you have but cannot obtain it, whether they try or not.

Second, those who don't want what you have but dislike you all the same.

Third, those whose very nature it is to pursue others with envy.
Twenty-two. From Sheldon's pen was born a forbidden beauty named Paul Martin. This aged tree writes stories with kohl in the morning breeze. Meanwhile, at Sir Henry's touch, the exquisite Ayesha is created, destined for Leo. Today is a day of joy for the blue woman Lara Cameron, twin flame trees in her hands. Paul's house today overflows with unsolicited fragrance, yet upon Ayesha's lips lies an ocean-deep stain. Leo returned with his arms full of happiness. What a corrupt, depraved, hideous ugliness! The bud burned away—the flame tree was wrong that day!
Twenty-three. The sun had gone to the clouds' home for a feast! Arriving, it found the moon in the clouds' chamber, its body smeared with shame. In the sun's hands, flame trees blazed into marigolds.