On the Transformation of Feelings

There was a time I wanted you so desperately. Desperately—I mean it! You wouldn't care, or perhaps you simply had no desire to care for someone like me! I had learned to accept it all.

You always thought, and made it clear through your every gesture, that you needed someone better; whatever it takes to be that "someone better," I had none of it in me. I couldn't quite understand then, how much more would it take to become what your heart desired! But I loved you, so even understanding everything, I stayed silent.

After some time passed, I saw that you too—yes, you too—for some reason had begun to want me, little by little! Seeing this truly astonished me. I was frightened too! Could this even happen? You could want me too! I would have to believe this as well! Nothing came to mind! I had grown so accustomed to your indifference!

After much searching, I figured out that perhaps your emotions had suddenly surged, that's why you were acting this way. I convinced myself, "Oh silly girl, so many things happen in the grip of emotion! This is emotion, you see, emotion!" So once again I remained silent.

Sudden emotions leave as suddenly as they come... that's how emotions are. The arithmetic of emotion and the arithmetic of life are not the same. Thinking this, I sat quietly, completely still.

Oh yes, by the way, my emotions are no longer what they used to be. How strange is that? I mean, I do have emotions, but they no longer want to be reckless like before. I handle them carefully now, the way I handle a sari, just like that.

Some days later, you pleaded earnestly to meet. You said you had something very urgent to say!

Saying "no" to you was difficult for me. I went. When I saw you, you seemed somehow unfamiliar, completely restless.

But that day you stood with your head hung so low, it seemed as if you were the servant and I the master! How uncomfortable we both became!

You couldn't meet my eyes, trying to hide your tears. Meanwhile, I too kept getting busy trying to conceal my own numbness. Ah, for what strange, strange reasons people cannot look into each other's eyes!

What had happened to you, I don't know, but this time you yourself said that you simply must have me! You had never found anyone like me in your life! I was completely different, you said!

I listened to it all. I've always loved listening to you. That day I returned without saying anything to you. Today I say, listen. I understand everything you're trying to tell me. But what can I do, tell me! Even though I have time and everything else, I simply no longer have that feeling for you!

Do you know when a person dies? When their feelings die. You keep track of when someone's breath stops, but it never occurred to any of you to keep track of how many people die while still living, constantly, every day! You want me, but this me is no longer that me, the me you want. Understanding this, I've made my decision.

Know this—I truly love you very much. And because I love you, I no longer want to have you. The feeling of loving and the feeling of wanting to possess are not the same! To be with someone, you need to love them, yes, but much more than that... you need to want to possess them.