On the Evening of Looking Back

 
: How are you? You've put on quite a bit of weight, haven't you?
Why do you keep your hair so long?
Long hair doesn't suit men at all, makes you look so unkempt.
I see you still wear that old badge out of habit.
Still the leather-strap watch? On your right hand? Still wearing Keds?
...I see you couldn't let go of so many things!
So, when did you come back to the country?
Did you bring your family? Or are you alone?
Is everyone well?


: I'm doing alright, more or less!
As you see me, as you understand me, I'm just the same, like before.
Don't you know, the inside of a person never really changes?
I was always unkempt,
that's why things between you and me...
It's been about a month since I came back,
it took me a while to get here.
I came alone. Left them behind.
My younger daughter
is taking her tenth standard exam this June!
I came to see my mother.
Mother's health is really bad, this time I think
I'll have to take her to India. We'll see,
if something happens once we get there...
When did you come home?
Are your children well?
You've put on weight too,
how did you gain so much?
Don't you exercise like before?
Where's that fit body you had,
and what's this bloated elephant now!
Do you eat a lot these days?
I suppose your menu has changed too?
Did you come alone? Or with your family?


: I came with them.
We're both so busy, we don't get time for the children, so I thought...
And the body!
Women put on weight after marriage even without eating much, don't you know?
And where's the time for all that exercise!
Children's school, my office, husband's office, housework...
Cooking, teaching the children, managing the house...and then all that exercise!
I've forgotten when I last looked in the mirror!
Tell me your news. Is everything going well?


: Yes, like everyone else's...as everyone's goes...


: Twenty-three years just flew by in a moment! Isn't that so...?


: Yes, counting it out, it's been almost twenty-three years...since I last saw you...


: Your mother must surely be quite happy with your wife now?
That's exactly what she wanted,
she's happy now, isn't she?


: Mother's happiness...
Well...she lives alone back home!
I told her so many times to stay with us in London,
but she wouldn't listen...!
She's doing alright! At her age, as one does...
Where would she get a daughter-in-law's affection at this stage, tell me?
Just a year after the wedding I took Rimina there!
Rimina never even made mother a cup of tea,
on the contrary, the few days she'd come home to visit mother,
mother would cook everything for her!
She chose her herself, but doesn't need to maintain that choice...!


: Why are you talking like this?
You've managed twenty-one years of marriage just fine, haven't you?
Didn't you like her?
Then what I used to hear through gossip,
that when you were back home,
you never let your wife out of your sight...did I hear wrong?
After your first child was born in London, you even posted photos on Facebook.
The caption said, wife is sleeping, I'm watching over my daughter.
Would anyone write like that without love...?


: You saw those!
I didn't know!


: I did, I saw them on your cousin sister's phone.
She showed me...though I had asked
how you were doing...


: Yes, I wrote that.
Actually, where would I find people to help with a baby in a foreign land?
My elder daughter had just turned eleven days old,
Rimina was terribly exhausted from staying up nights,
she hadn't slept for several nights straight...
So I told her, you sleep peacefully,
I'll take care of things.
And there, for childcare,
both parents get leave for the first six months.
No nanny, just Rimina and me at home,
we both had to take turns raising the child.
We couldn't let the child catch even a cold,
if the child got a cold and the government found out,
they'd come straight and take the child into their care,
so we were forced to do all this.


: Why, didn't you want to do it?
You're citizens of a rich country,
you have to follow some rules...


: What choice do we have but to follow!
How else would we earn our bread,
they'd send us back home for the slightest misstep...!
And what would I do coming back home at this age?
We're somewhat forced to do it, you could say.
So, how's your office going?


: It's going...
So, how long are you here?


: I took two months' leave to bring mother to the doctor.
One month has already passed!
My flight is on the night of the twelfth next month,
before then I have to take mother to India for seven days.
I can extend the leave if needed,
but I don't want to.
You're still angry with my mother, aren't you?
Though being angry is natural.
Mother was perhaps a bit too worried about her son,
but you know what, our being together
simply wasn't written in our fate...


: Ah, so nowadays you console yourself with this! Good!


: Are you getting angry?


: After twenty-one years, when we've each gotten
completely stuck in our respective lives,
is it even possible to live holding onto that old anger!
This isn't anger,
what this is, can it be explained?
Can you tell me?
In the end our egos won out,
didn't they...?


: That age was like that, our blood was hot,
so I couldn't understand what I was doing!
Sometimes I get angry at mother,
then again I think, she's my mother!
Perhaps she thought, this is the proper way!
Mother's fears, you understand them!
Besides, father never bothered with us,
mother raised me alone. For this reason, despite mother's mistakes,
I couldn't say anything.
And remorse about you still haunts me.
I didn't even ask for a simple apology!
There was a pride inside me, why should I apologize?
Later when the truth came out,
much later I realized,
everything that happened between us
was all orchestrated.
Some people's resentment toward our relationship and some people's foolishness,
these two together broke our relationship completely, didn't they?
But when I understood, I couldn't find the way back,
it was far, far too late!
Tell me, couldn't you also have not held onto that stubbornness?
Why did you leave so stubbornly?
Why didn't you stop me?
Why didn't you explain that I was making a mistake?
Couldn't you have, tell me?


: Yes, I could have!
But then I would have had to spend the rest of my life
with my head bowed before you, playing the criminal.
Would that have been good?
Would there have been happiness in that?
Could you have said anything to your mother even then?
You would have continued believing your mother's words!
You had no trust in me at all, Rafsan!
I know you only loved my appearance,
you came wanting my accomplishments.
Otherwise, the first day your mother told you
that I was supposedly making many friends in college,
why didn't you tell mother,
'Everyone makes a friend or two when they go to college'?
Why did you keep encouraging your mother's suspicious words
day after day?
Why did you keep believing all her words from afar?
Did you give me a chance to say anything?
What didn't I do, can you tell me?
To prove my love,
I even married you without telling my family, have you forgotten everything?
You were staying in the city, at your aunt's house.
You studied living there,
I was the one who told you about the scholarship to go abroad,
I did everything that needed to be done for that.
Remember about your last semester fees?
When you went to the embassy, something went wrong the first time,
all that money was wasted.
I had saved some money for our wedding.
I thought I'd dress as a bride with all my favorite things,
and all that money went to your semester fees.
Did you have to ask me for it?
I thought, once you became a CA, then there'd be no more worries...!
That same you
How could you, Rafsan...
interrogate me?
suspect me?
We were childhood friends,
we played together, studied together,
grew up together.
That same you, after just a few years away,
forgot my familiar nature, familiar habits...
everything?
Remember your first presentation day?
That tie bought with my tuition money?
You said you didn't have money for a tie.
You said you didn't even know how to tie one.
I bought a tie from here, learned to tie it from my uncle,
sent you the tie, wrote all the instructions in a letter...don't you remember?
How much does your mother know about how many days you went without food on campus?
That you'd somehow fill your stomach with mashed vegetables and lentils
at your aunt's house day after day, then go to campus,
worrying about semester fees, as soon as one semester ended,
your anxiety would begin...does mother know all this?
No no, I'm not blaming your mother, Rafsan...
I'm just showing what level your trust in me was at.
In our eleven years together, you never
bought me even a thread.
The day we had our court marriage, you gave me
a white cotton sari with black border,
even that was bought by your mother.
What did I get from you, Rafsan?
What did I ask from you, can you tell me?
I was quite happy getting that cotton sari...
I never complained!
Why you left, don't I know?
Didn't I understand?
You had become established, Rafsan!
Your need for me was coming to an end,
you wanted freedom from me.
When the need ends in a relationship of need,
what remains of it?
You knew that in six more months you'd be sailing to London.
Meanwhile, you needed an excuse to leave me!
A marriage can't be broken without reason!
Your mother helped you,
spreading bad stories about me to the neighbors
making your work easier.
Why would you see your mother's fault, Rafsan?
Your mother had no fault,
our relationship was merely a relationship,
there was no love...!
Do you remember when you'd come home?
My window faced your house's veranda,
you'd sit on the veranda all day waiting to see me,
and I'd peek through the window now and then,
we'd have so many conversations through gestures, remember?
Through the window I'd pass you your favorite dishes.
Some days if we could fool everyone
and sit by the river until very late at night,
you'd place your hand on mine and say millions of things, remember?
I haven't forgotten anything, Rafsan...
Actually these aren't things to be forgotten!
We grew up together from childhood,
became human together...can it be forgotten so easily?
Even today I haven't forgotten anything,
only some disgust toward myself arises!
Why was I so blind, Rafsan?
Why was I such a fool?


: Yes, I remember everything too,
I had gone blind.
I grew up in poverty from childhood,
never had father close by,
father never took any responsibility for me,
never even kept track.
Mother alone somehow raised me,
she nearly killed herself just providing food and clothes!
I was going on a student visa,
mother was struggling just to arrange my plane fare!
Some money was saved, but it wasn't enough.
Mother sold a piece of land,
going there, it would take two more years to complete my degree,
then if I didn't get a work permit, they'd
send me straight back home as soon as the degree finished.
Somehow, I had to make solid arrangements to stay in that country,
this kept spinning in my head constantly.
Meanwhile I didn't want to let go of such a big scholarship opportunity,
you seemed like a terrible burden to me,
my poverty had taken away all my sense,
like an ingrate I hid my face and left
your life...avoiding all responsibility.
This sin of mine, this crime of mine...
still haunts me terribly...
Rimina is actually a good girl, but she's not you,
could never be...
Even today I only think, keep thinking...
How can I atone for this sin?
This is my lifelong burden! Ah, if only someone knew...!
Yes, I try to protect Rimina with everything I have.
Everyone thinks I must love her deeply, that's why I keep such close watch!
Actually, what I couldn't give you,
or the way I lost you,
I don't want to lose anything that way again.
But can the inside ever be shown?
What's in here...only I know!


: No, I have no anger, resentment toward you...
or hatred, nothing...
Just some questions.
Perhaps I didn't get sunlight either,
but in neon light the remaining nights of this life
will pass fine...they do pass!
It only takes one life to change a life!
Keep Rimina well, stay well.


: Even at the end you didn't give me the space to ask forgiveness...
As I was a beggar, I'm returning in beggar's clothes.
Yes, how could we both have lived if the relationship hadn't been severed!
To get through life you need some not-getting, some regret,
some painful memories, some dark clouds,
and some sorrow...they're necessary!