On My Lover's Birthday

I am a twenty-two-year-old woman, but my life isn't like other young women's. I don't eat sour things like other girls, I don't like spicy food, and most importantly, I don't eat fuchka. I only drink strong black tea with milk.

I don't have any girlfriends, never really did. Those we call friends in childhood—can we really hold onto them when we grow up? No institution teaches us how to respect the opinion of someone who argues against our beliefs a hundred times over, how to remain friends with them. And we don't learn it ourselves either.

There are many people around me, but none of them are my friends. This used to make me very sad, but not anymore. Rather than searching for a friend, becoming a friend myself now seems more reasonable to me.

I'm quite a scattered sort of girl! Let me give you an example. But first, let me get my tea. Ah, what a beautiful color this tea has! Ugh, I have to praise my own tea-making to myself!

So, where was I? I wake up anytime from after noon to before five in the evening. I mean, I never wake up before noon, and five is the deadline—if I don't get up by then, Ma scolds me terribly.

These days though, I get up around one or one-thirty. After getting up, I sit for a while. I make tea and pick up a storybook. Tea and stories—what an extraordinary combination! After finishing the tea, I check my phone for a bit. Check is what you'd call it, not facebooking. Somehow I just can't stand that 'face-less'-book anymore!

They say people who wake up late don't have any dreams. That's complete nonsense! I have them, my eyes are full of nothing but dreams. Should I tell you about them one by one? Oh no, no—you're not supposed to tell anyone your dreams, I'd forgotten. Alright, when they come true one by one, I'll let everyone know. Now, what was I saying? Ha ha ha...this is just me!

My words have no direction. I used to be quite a talker once. I still love conversation, but I can't speak anymore—I can only listen.

Yes, I remember now. It's my boyfriend's birthday today. I won't be able to wish him, so I'm writing to ease that pain. I've blocked him everywhere—Facebook, WhatsApp, all of it. Yet there was a time when I would come up with all sorts of new ideas centered around this one day! Times change.

Growing up perhaps means learning to accept all changes. I'm amazed myself when I see how much I've changed. I've changed, fine; but to change this much? I'm probably a little too brave!

Life teaches you to be brave. If you don't know how to be brave, you suffer needlessly. I don't mind suffering, but I don't mind reducing suffering either.