Offering of Unburdened Devotion

 
Someone exists—
thinking of whom makes it easier to feel.
Thinking of whom makes it easier to weep.
Thinking of whom makes it easier to live.


Babui, I have fallen in love. That intoxicating love!
I have fallen in love with you all over again.
In this love there is no fear of losing.
In this love I find you with eyes closed, I find you with eyes open.
In this love when tears come I find you, in this love in joy too I find you.


In each of your poems I find myself.
In each of my moments I find you.
When I weep for you, in every teardrop I find you.


I will never be able to love anyone else again, Babui.
The moment I close my eyes I can see our household.
When Thursday evening falls I can see myself near your house.
Sometimes I see that restaurant—what was its name—
where I used to wait, I can see it.
I see myself sitting there, texting you,
…how much longer must I wait?


I see your longing to have me the moment I arrive!
I find myself in you. In my very self I search only for you.
Babui, I am so very happy within you.


Listen, if I were to die suddenly,
would you become alone? Would you feel lonely? Would you sense someone missing?


Sometimes I think I should never text you again.
Just leave completely. Cut off all contact.


You're doing just fine being yourself!
Going to any of your things means trouble now.
If I text, your wife might see it anytime,
and letter-writing, that's also problematic. You tell me, what else can be done!


After leaving you only called me twice.
Sometimes perhaps you send a text by mistake.
Your texts have nothing but 'meow', 'good morning'!
Nothing else at all! Your heart isn't there anymore either. I understand.
Then why am I tormenting you like this?


For me love has always meant giving freedom.
Because I could give it properly, you could tell me everything freely.
Then why do I now want to cling from some pull?


Sometimes I think, let me set you completely free!
I think, perhaps you want that too. There's nothing left to happen!
Though there was never meant to be anything anyway!
The next moment do you know what I think?
…Why should I leave? Having an 'I' in your life is very important.


That you know Tupus, this caring person, still exists.
Someone exists! Someone thinks of you!
This existing of someone is very necessary. Having no one is terrible torment.
I can't find you anywhere! Yet you exist, this thought brings peace.


You know, after finding you I had quite forgotten Soumya.
Even today if he suddenly comes to mind, forget loving him, I don't even like him now.
Three years later the boy had sent a text three months ago.
He had written, after giving you all my love
I have nothing left to give anyone.
I had replied, everything will be fine!
Right after sending the text I thought, what did I just say! What I said, I knowingly said wrong!


Whatever happens, whether his things get better or not,
after giving you all my love I have nothing left.
The day you got that scholarship and called me,
I answered the phone tremendously excited and said, Babu, I love you so much!
Your voice on the other end was quite heavy. You were crying.


I have never once complained against you by mistake. Why would I?
When I was beside you, I saw
you forget to call even your own wife, speak to her after a week or two.
I know what an absent-minded person you are!


You know, you never once said you loved me
of your own accord with enthusiasm. Yet I saw love in your eyes.
When I cried I saw you hide your eyes.
It's not that you were also crying, you couldn't keep your eyes on mine.
Believe me, this much was all I wanted.


Sometimes I feel very self-contained.
What I am to others, I don't care.
Let me remain a scattered fool to you.
You have someone.
She knows your busyness, she knows your solitude, she knows your joys.
She knows you forget to keep in touch.
She knows you hide yourself in sadness.
She knows when enthusiasm comes to you
you let the world know with ha ha ha laughter.
She has no complaints, no accounts of give and take, she simply exists. In love.


Your hidden words, your sorrows I can still hear.
I quite sense your feelings of love.
You had said, in the torment of not being able to give shelter you fear giving solace to anyone.
…Perhaps thinking this made you tremble when expressing love then.
And today even if you miss me you don't say it thinking I'll be hurt.
…Such caring also burns terribly, you know Babui?


Listen, just stay well. And don't abandon me completely.
Just let me know sometimes, yes I too have someone.
I know you never look back.
Whom you've left behind, you're not the type to think of them, this I know too.
And I also recognize, each time you speak Kanta's words, the language of your eyes and face.


Babui, love doesn't die, only a coating forms over it.
Love returns again and again. Before that don't strangle it to death,
keep it alive a little, like people keep a potted rose alive by sprinkling some water.
Are you terribly angry? Don't be angry. That I love you, dear Babui!
Listen here, don't forget me, okay? Stay very well!