If you ever open that old diary, I know what you'd find there! That's why I no longer rummage through those memories—truly, they don't sting anymore. I was so young then, when I became the wife of your house. The age for marriage—I hadn't even reached it yet! And at that tender age, some storm swept away my childhood before I could even blink! As if I had to grow up all at once, in one great leap! Father called me over... the boy's an engineer, studied at BUET. Has a big job, his parents are good people too... Ma, you'll be so happy there! Hearing this, I thought—from childhood I never had a mother like that, the way everyone else does... Mother was so ill! This time it'll be good... I'll get a wonderful mother... a little room of my own... ah, how much joy there'll be, wrapped in love! Everyone at home was terribly pleased... good groom, good family. I was so young then, what did I know of good or bad! I was barely fifteen! The aunts said, at this age so many girls become mothers! I've seen so many! ...How could I understand such things! I was only fifteen then... Days passed in play and laughter... going to school... it spun in my head, all my friends together, we'd have to go to university... that's what ambition meant then... All the teachers used to say so! I was always first in school then, captain of the whole class... All that mattered so much then! I never understood that life wants even more, and without it, life itself seems to slip away! Whatever happens, following the family's wishes, keeping to custom, the wedding took place! Your mother said to me, laughing, this girl is like my own daughter, I'll raise her on the right path, I'll take such good care of her! How wonderful it felt to hear that... a new mother's love and guidance would fill every lack! Right after the wedding I realized—you wanted the family line more than me! A girl from a big house would come, would light up your home, a big house's son-in-law has great demands... and yours would all be met! Once the great demands are satisfied, there'll be a good name in your own home too! Father-in-law such a big man, how could his son-in-law be any less? Ah, so much was in your mind... why didn't you say it before the wedding! It's been exactly seventeen days of married life! Time passed... five days with you, twelve days with your mother. I didn't understand what marriage was then, I only understood you as my own... And you never understood love, you understood calculation! The day I came to your house, that very night you said angrily, my room that's empty—didn't your father notice? Does he see very little? I said, is that all? What's so difficult about that! It'll be done! In your mind you thought, I've been cheated... what good did this marriage do? I remember so well... before the wedding, Father called me close one day and said, go to the shop... whatever jewelry you want, bring the designs. ...What kind of excuse is that? I don't understand at all! Why jewelry now? Why would I want it? All these days passed, I never even thought of dressing up, now what would I do with jewelry? Does Father listen to such foolishness? But Father is who he is! Every piece of jewelry one needs, in every design—not one was left out! I wore jewelry on the wedding day too... after that, all packed in boxes! The father who gives so much, some furniture to fill the house... wouldn't he give that? Later I understood, furniture... that was just an excuse, the real thing was, if the relationship were to last, it would last one-sidedly! Father seemed to understand something... then let me not make furniture at all... Hearing this I thought, things to decorate the house? That'll happen later, first let me understand the house... it didn't take very long to go, you explained it very well—to live in a new house, I'd have to forget my father's house... in just two days! I said nothing—you can't say everything everywhere... Your father said, enough studying has been done, how much more is needed? I thought, they didn't say all this before the wedding! Why should wives study again? All these excuses for wasteful spending! I wanted so badly, you know, for you to say at least a little, let them say what they will, I'm here... don't stop your studies, continue them! Later I saw you were just like them! When her husband isn't by her side, a woman spends her days and nights alone at her in-laws'! Your household maid was dismissed, everyone said... what's the need, Diba's here! I'd barely arrived at your house... and already I saw the whole house on my shoulders! It was so painful to think... so I'm just the help... I'd never carried such a burden before! What could I do! I buckled down to work... at Father's house I was so pampered, refused to eat so often... And now I see, driven by work I'm dying of hunger, yet can't eat... instead I get taunts... When will all the furniture come? The new bride... why does she eat so much? Missing a meal or two, builds strength in the body... weren't we brides too? I didn't tell Father any of this... Father has a serious heart condition... Instead I told myself, it'll get better... this is how it is in every house! It was so hard... time passed in agony... no no, not because I didn't eat! Looking at you I saw you were utterly indifferent... perfectly fine! ...you haven't eaten, I won't eat either... finish the work, we'll eat together... Even wanting to hear something like that, I'd bite my tongue... everything was written before my eyes, as if you understood none of it! You were perfectly fine... with friends, with family... in laughter and jokes... And here the wife gets to eat only when evening comes, not before... did you ever once inquire? I felt so stubborn... I've come this far... now that I'm here, what is this household, I'll understand it through! Here I am finishing, there you are wonderful with everyone... seeing this I thought, this is what they call a 'husband'! ...Here, your mother just lies in bed, you're the one who has to manage the household, isn't that right? You're very skilled at work, I've heard... that's why I brought you home... there were so many other girls! Don't shirk, put your mind to the work... one whose mother is so ill, what's all this pampering for? I understood—in this house if I get tired I won't get to eat... I'm your wife only so much, much more I'm the housemaid! Day ends and night comes, yet the work never seems to end! I understood more... There'll be no love for me in this house, but there will be food... on certain conditions! I didn't have a phone in my hands... when your parents answered the phone they'd speak with smiling faces... Hearing the brother-in-law, sister-in-law jokes they'd just think... our daughter's doing well, so busy setting up house, that's why she doesn't have even a moment to talk!... However your parents might be, they knew how to act! Our daughter's so busy, she's even forgotten her parents... we should visit... thinking this, Father came to the in-laws'... It had been only fourteen days since the wedding! Father came, hands full of sweets... I told Father nothing, everyone at the in-laws took such care, asked after body and mind... even after all this, Father somehow understood everything! He put his hand on my head, choking back tears he smiled and said, will you come home? I was ready instantly... I'll come, Father! Meanwhile your mother said, the wedding just happened... now going to father's house again... why, dear? Father returned home alone, putting a cheap mobile phone in my hand... Ma, find time to call! Meanwhile you went somewhere for work for several days... I was alone in the house then... alone meaning, you weren't beside me... though even if you were, what would have happened! You know, every day holding that phone I'd think, surely your call will come now! Days passed like this... but no, you never called even once! Sometimes, calling Mother's phone, talking to her... you never mentioned me even by mistake! You never asked how I was, whether I'd eaten, whether I needed anything... Perhaps it never occurred to you... is everything alright with Diba? Meanwhile your mother-jewel would leave me alone in the house and go out every evening! She'd return so late... and I'm locked in the room... even if there's a fire, I'd die burning in the locked room! You never knew any of this! And even if you did, what then! When these things come to mind, I think, when I used to call your mother Ma, was that calling her Ma wrong? Can a mother-in-law never become a mother? Do they all just call her Ma like that? Or do mothers-in-law not want to become mothers... to their son's wives? At the end of seventeen days... Father came again. Coming he said, enough of this housework... now come with me! Returning home I saw Mother crying hard! Father asked, what else do they want, tell me! I'll give everything! The furniture? I'll definitely give that! What else do they need? Hearing this I said nothing... such a young age, what should I say, how should I say it... I didn't understand at all! What's right, what's wrong—do women's lives pass thinking of such things! The chest burns, the heart breaks... but do women ever leave the house! I think, what is all this happening? Before understanding anything, everything's ending! I'm seeing everything, hearing everything, everyone's there right in front with hostile faces... But where is my husband there? How many times I said then, come to my side... together we two will manage everything properly! You didn't come... only one thing on your lips... either separation or money! You have so much studying left, you'll go abroad, how much money it'll take... Hearing this Father said, how much will it take? Whatever's needed, I'll give it all... but still take my daughter... Meanwhile another fear had settled inside me... with so many conditions, fighting... can a marriage work this way? I told no one anything... I just kept thinking... will this marriage last at all? You became a groom by marrying, but will you ever become a husband? You don't even keep me by your side... You who are a man... money or body, or both... that little is enough for you to get by... what will become of me? I convince my mind, this marriage won't work anymore... all the dreams I had, joy and my childhood, all seemed lost suddenly somewhere! As if you all together aged me in one blow! I surrendered even to my own mind! Pleading to you I finally said, will you give me a little time? But you're in such a hurry... bring the money now, or never at all! Actually your mind was elsewhere then... I didn't know, I found out later! Whatever, what more could be done! Fighting with my mind, I just left! Where I have no respect, what peace is there? Even now, so many days after being free, the question arises... did I ever beg from you? Did I ever say, take me into your home, make me your companion on life's path... did I say such things? Then why did you burden these frail shoulders with so much? Did I ever say to you... buy me this, bring me that, let's go out together...? I only wanted to stay... beside you... without any complaints or demands! I only wanted a home... I didn't ask for cars, didn't ask for houses... I wanted just a tiny space! I wanted your hand... the hand that would hold me tight, such a hand... that's what I wanted! From childhood I grew up in unrest, Father and Mother never got along at all! That's why I never wanted my home to be like that!
The day I went to your house, the very next day I grieved to see that house crumble,
yet you weren’t there beside me then!
I had asked for just a little peace, was even that asking wrong?
Today we are far apart, yet I remember… you had spread it around to everyone,
that I was always busy on the phone, that I used to talk with some boy!
That I was impossible to live with! I heard it all and stayed silent.
Know this silence for what it was — not acceptance, but accommodation.
I let go knowingly, knowing you would no longer be by my side! What need to hold on?
You lied, you searched for excuses… I know it all!
You used to say, women with male friends, naturally… one can sleep with them, that’s just how it is!
Maybe you were like that… yet believe me, in friendship… I never made distinctions…
boy or girl… a friend is only a friend!
The thought never occurred to me that wanting to lie down meant lying down together!
Since then, whenever I try to mingle with anyone, I shrink back in some nameless fear!
What I used to speak before, I stopped speaking after the separation!
I withdrew into myself completely! No socializing, no dressing up, nothing at all!
I understood then, now was a different time for me!
Joy and fun were shelved, beauty and happiness vanished…
I would avoid all gatherings… keep friends at a distance too…
If I seemed a little happy, everyone would think, that divorced woman… she’s probably secretly in love again!
Someone whose sullen face is the norm, what business does she have with life?
Everything seemed to disappear… happiness, comfort, exuberance all went away somewhere!
Volleyball and badminton, recitation and chess, the fierce storms of debate… everything melted away!
In everyone’s eyes it was written… she shouldn’t do these things now, she has become so much older now!
Today I think, listening to everyone brings more trouble! Better to have lived my own way instead!
From that time till now I live by crying, and what does it matter to anyone!
Suddenly I was imprisoned within four walls, became a sinner in everyone’s eyes without sinning!
No friends, no joy, no peace or happiness… nothing at all!
Through school, college, I had so many friends… I can’t find them anywhere now!
Life suddenly turned bitter… no relatives by my side, no friends either…
When everyone becomes a stranger… how does one go on living?
I see I became a stranger in my own home, when they looked at me their eyes would tremble… I understood it all!
Gradually I became like a helpless child, everyone kept explaining things to me… suddenly everyone saw only my faults!
I would swallow words then… just as people swallow poison without thinking,
just like that I too would swallow so many words!
Often I felt alone… terribly so! Then I would think, let someone be by my side, speak at least two words with me,
think of me as human too… understand that I too feel lonely… how am I, how do I feel now…
let someone ask… whether I feel bad, what causes me pain… yet in those days there was no one to know these things.
Everyone thought, Diba is such a worthless girl! A tough sort of bad girl… she broke up her own home with her own hands!
Hearing all this I would withdraw into myself again… like a snail withdrawing into itself!
So many competitions… those prize books… when I see them, my eyes blur and tell me,
Diba, you used to win these too once, remember?
I’ve heard you have a son, quite grown up now!
Even now you call… sometimes… I understand perfectly… though from a different number.
When I catch you, why do you say you’ll come back again!
Tell me, what do you really think of me, honestly?
Why do you call, I truly don’t know. There’s nothing for you to apologize for!
Even if you do apologize and I forgive you, what will happen? How will you return what was lost?
Don’t say such things anymore, they’re just a waste of time… pointless!
I live in terrible fear, in disbelief… do you know why?
My fear is of you all, I mean all men… I can’t trust anyone anymore…
I think everyone is the same! They say they only want the heart, yet they take everything!
When I try to move forward, something pulls me back!
I can’t think anew, don’t want to understand anyone new.
The thought of entering another relationship never occurs to me!
When everyone tells me… get married, become a housewife… I feel like running away somewhere far!
I remember, after our wedding, on the first Eid I thought,
he’ll give me at least a cotton sari… how much does a cotton sari cost anyway!
I too had wished that during Eid you would give me a new sari,
wearing it I would go out with you!
You gave me nothing for Eid… no no, it wasn’t poverty…
maybe you just didn’t think of me! That Eid
I bought a punjabi and gave it to you, remember?
I thought you’d receive your new wife’s first gift with such love…
you’d wear the punjabi I gave you happily, and wander around in it on Eid day.
I was wrong, you didn’t wear the punjabi, you left it lying in a corner!
It was apparently so cheap… couldn’t be worn in front of anyone… what would friends think if you wore it!
Hearing this I cried so much, you didn’t see! At such a young age, what a burden you placed on my shoulders!
I was only at fault, and incomplete too… carrying the burden of being less than human, I survived in your house!
I can’t forget any of this! What was really my fault?
For what crime did I live taking so many blows?
I didn’t ask for much… I only wanted a small house… wanted everyone to live together…
Then why did I burn so much? Memories chase me around… I can’t become normal!
I don’t want to live anew again, I don’t quite have the courage!
I can’t erase anything from memory… they come before my eyes… ask all sorts of questions!
Often fear comes to my mind… what if another man comes again… comes and says, I love you…
what if I make a mistake then too, hold that man’s hand… what if he’s just like you…
what if the past returns… what if I walk the same path again… have to walk it…
I’ll truly die then… I don’t have the strength to bear that much!
I’m terribly tired now… what’s the need… I’m fine as I am… with myself. One life, it will pass!
If I ever mistakenly dream of building a small house, I tell myself…
does everyone get a house? Does everyone’s stranger become their own? Does everyone find a true person?