Never was it spoken

 
After you leave, the teacup you abandon — I never wash it away in haste. The rim where your lips touched, sipping tea in small sips, I kiss that spot for a long time, and the last two drops of tea pooled at the bottom, I take half an hour to drink — this I have never told you.
When you're gone, the final drops of curry left in the bowl, the pieces of meat bone you leave half-chewed in the center of the bowl, I tenderly take an hour to gnaw and crunch those half-chewed bones — this I have never told you.
After you finish your rice, the few grains left on the plate, your chewed bones, the tops of chilies, used tissues, the cardamom pods you set aside from tea... moving all these carefully aside, I search thoroughly and count each grain of rice, eating them all with great satisfaction. Sometimes when you wash your hands over the plate, pouring a little water that makes some grains inedible, I shake off the water and eat those too — this I have never told you.
After your bath, the blue towel you use to dry yourself — when you leave, I wrap that wet towel around my body for a long time with tender affection — this I have never told you.
The comb you use before leaving — after you're gone, I comb my hair with that same comb — this I have never told you.
The chair where you hang your clothes — after you leave, I sniff that chair again and again, absorbing all the traces of your scent that cling to it from those clothes — this I have never told you.
The side of the bed where you sleep — after you leave, I lie there motionless for hours with my eyes closed — this I have never told you.
Every time you leave, I don't bathe until the next evening. Your scent that clings to my entire body, I keep sniffing it again and again. I see that you remain spread across my whole body even after leaving — this one thing I told you once. Do you remember?


I haven't told you: after you leave, your entirety remains in all the used things you abandon.
After you leave, your great presence dwells in all your absence. From all your departures I search and search, dig and dig, hunt thoroughly to bring you back. This is my daily habit.
Even after you leave, I find you in that tea mug, in the curry bowl, in the chewed bones, on that side of the bed, in that blue towel.
...When you remain in so many things, where exactly have you gone?
Tell me, with so much busyness around you, when do I have time to fall into studies?
I don't feel like reading at all. I much prefer to lie around with thoughts of you.


In the void you leave behind, your complete image gets trapped in my intimate little household — in that room... who says you're not there?
You're in the white paint of that wall, you're in the flower vase on the table, you're in the plastic door of the washroom's Apex, you're even in the brown curtains of the window!
If only I had the power to make you take yourself away from every corner of this household and go somewhere far!


Truly, I never feel like studying.
When I sit to study, I think — any moment I might get this job! Any moment from morning to evening to night... everything will pass under someone else's command!
Any moment my little household might be undone!
I don't want a job, I only want time to love you. I want to spend this small life thinking of you in endless leisure.


Wake up in the morning, get ready, go to the office and do the same work every day, earn piles of money at month's end... die — if I get a job, this is life! Isn't that so?
Returning home exhausted, I'll see then that I have no time for you! I won't be able to manage everything properly!
Among new bosses, handsome colleagues, and crowds of new and old faces, won't your face grow dim then... even a little?
With new people suddenly entering life, if the heart falls for someone else's charm, what then?
Doesn't this happen? Tell me... doesn't this happen?
It does, it does — I see so many things happen!
I haven't told you: I'm no longer looking for a job, I'm only looking for you.


I want to stay a few more years in this anonymous household with you, carelessly, without studying, doing nothing!
I want to remain waiting for you a few more years and taste this household's happiness.
Who knows when, at what moment, for what reason some other face might take possession of this entire household!
It could happen that you're forced to stand in line with society's inevitable customs! You'll leave then, following that prescribed path... abandoning my home and household, shattering everything of mine alone!
Doesn't this happen? It happens often!
Perhaps something like this will happen to us!
I'll sacrifice a life, and then a love story will be born! This is exactly what I want!
I'll ruin my career to build the roof of an anonymous, unwritten, broken home!


Today I feel there are many things I haven't told you. I feel like saying many things today!
I think, what if I don't get more time? What if I don't get another chance to speak? What will happen then?
So many things I haven't told you! Never managed to say... so many, many, many things!
About a roofless room, about a nameless household, about the story of a forbidden love.
At least today will you have time for me... just a little?