My Childhood

My childhood wasn't anything like your orderly childhoods. I never received a mother's tenderness or a father's affection. I grew up watching them fight constantly. My parents never really had time to spare for me.

I watched them win.
I watched myself lose.
Today I am aimless, my behavior somewhat harsh.
Perhaps I don't even know how to speak properly, so I curl up in terrible shyness.

Sometimes, I too, like you, look around me. I wonder, what do I really want to become?

When someone plays a flute or breaks into song on the street, children and young people my age gather in a crowd around them. They know they don't have a single coin in their pockets to give. Yet they stand there, gazing at the performer with enchanted eyes. They begin to think, perhaps this person is a magician! I want to be part of their group too.

I want to grow up to be that little boy who always keeps at least one packet of biscuits in his bag, so that when he sees a hungry dog while walking on the street, he can feed it biscuits and play with it. Before I die, I want to deeply feel the gratitude of some dogs.

When I grow up, I want to be foolish like Selim Uncle from our neighborhood, who, though he never accomplished anything remarkable in life, transformed the lives of thousands of helpless children from our area and the surrounding neighborhoods. Everyone has only seen Uncle lose, but I have only seen Uncle win. Uncle has no complaints about anything, no sense of deprivation. Uncle just smiles. I too want to smile with that kind of contentment like Uncle.

When I'm old, I'll become a Romen Grandpa, who goes out walking every dawn—not to keep his body fit, not to touch the morning light and air, not for any urgent business—simply for the desire to gather some shiuli flowers. The flowers will fall to the ground all night long just for me. I'll gather shiuli by the handful, breathe in their fragrance deeply, smear the gentleness of shiuli all over my face and eyes. This is my ambition.

I will read many, many storybooks. And I will grab everyone and tell them all those stories. No one ever told me stories, so I know that to stay alive, you need to hear some stories. I used to long to hear stories. But no one ever had time to spare for me. Everyone was just busy winning. I want to have time in my hands for telling and hearing stories.

You think I'm much stranger than I actually am. I'm truly just like you.
I never learned to blend in, but I too long to blend in. Believe me, I'm not antisocial.
I stay quiet, but that doesn't mean I have a lot of anger. If you ever spoke with me, you'd realize I'm a very peaceful person.

I have accumulated much resentment against the entire world. The people closest to me never loved me, never gave me time, never tried to understand me. Don't misunderstand me. You truly cannot even imagine what I went through growing up.

No one ever lovingly bought me an ice cream, cotton candy, or chocolate. I only need to be successful enough to put at least two cheap lozenges into the hands of those children whose childhood is like mine was. This is all I want from life.

I always saw my parents succeeding, but I never saw them finding peace. From my own life I know that for living, peace is far, far greater than success.