Musings from the Wall of Thought: 101

Reflection: Seven Hundred and One

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One. My problem is, I simply cannot keep my distance. I want to speak, I want to touch and see, and so many other strange things in this world that I desire! And most of all, I want to do all those impossible things that one simply cannot do while alive! I am terribly annoyed with myself.

So here's the thing—these are my problems. I feel no small shame before myself for wanting so much. I understand, everything settles down for a while, then after some time the longing returns. These things cannot even be described to anyone. It hurts me. How it feels—you probably wouldn't even understand this, I can only say this much. You've surely never seen another shameless person like me. Look at me carefully. I'm sorry, so very sorry. I must surely be the punishment for some terrible mistake in your life.

The unbearable pain that sometimes strikes inside my chest, for a completely unknown, unfamiliar person from a foreign land—whom can I make understand this? How much more can I endure? I suffer so much, and none of you understand me at all. It hurts—I don't even want to write this word, it doesn't convey anything. You may not want to see me or speak with me, but I do want to, my chest aches. This morning too I wept a great deal; in your language, crocodile tears. Nowadays I don't hide it anymore, I just say it outright. It felt as if you were sitting right there in front of me. These words have no value, I know. What am I to do?

One day I will surely escape from your society, you'll see. I'll live completely alone. I will never love anyone again. What happens inside me—no one understands. Why I behave this way—you'll never be able to understand, it's impossible for you to comprehend. Even when I resolve not to love, I cannot help but love. This is not sin, this is a grave sin indeed. How can I escape without facing punishment for this!

Listen, I'm making you a promise. I truly will run away at some point. I won't die or anything like that. But I will go very far away. I cannot adjust to so many things in society. Please bear with me for just a little longer. Of course, you'll probably just dismiss my words, anyone else would do the same. All my talk is nonsense anyway. Since father died, I haven't cried aloud even once, for fear that someone might understand my state of mind. And those for whom these tears flow—none of them can hear it, nor will they ever. I've made a promise, I'll keep it. Even if it takes some time, this will happen, don't you worry.

I don't yet know where I'll go, but I truly will go, I'll just move away from your vicinity. I've stayed around you all for so long, I've shouted, but none of you could even hear me. I won't speak anymore. I've said enough. And if, as always, even after making such a decision I stay back again out of some greed, then you and the others should throw me out this time, even if you have to push me, how about that? I've gotten too big for my boots with everyone. No more—giving me any more indulgence would be downright wrong. Don't do it anymore!

Tell me, what will happen when you grow up?

I've known you since you were small. That's why I can't abandon you and leave—some fear holds me back. But here's something that brings me great joy: you truly have grown up. You're no longer that little boy I once knew. On the sixth of next month, it will be two full years since we last met. Have you ever thought about how many nights and days come and go in two years?
If you ever come to visit Dhaka or anywhere else after this, no matter how far, just let me know once. I'll make one last attempt. I just want to see you from a distance, that's all. I don't even want to talk—I'll look and leave. I won't try to meet you face to face or attempt anything else. I'm telling the truth, I swear it.
Do you know why I don't ask you for anything? It's not that wanting is the problem—I simply never learned how to ask. I used to think this was a wonderful trait. Now I understand it's not so wonderful after all; it's quite painful! The more one wants, the less one gets, and thus the greater the sorrow. People give more to those who don't need it, who don't ask at all. So there's no greater success than learning to reduce one's desires. Do you know where my sadness lies? Those who ask at least get something, even if it's little. And me? I neither ask nor receive. You're not the kind of person who, without being asked, understands the heart of someone close and gives what's needed at the right time! Of course, it's also possible that I'm not that 'close person' to you after all!
Two. When you shift from "apni" to "tumi," expectations rise, and when you move from "tumi" to "tui"—well, I know all too well what happens then. Saying "apni" means maintaining a certain distance, and that's how it seems to me these days. So "apni" is better.
Ah, how many things people want to have and do—if I hadn't witnessed it myself, I wouldn't have understood. Those things women do that I once laughed at, lately I find myself wanting to do them too. Unless you fall in love yourself, you can never truly understand how utterly mad it makes you feel.
A woman is mentally mature precisely when she can keep her head straight even after falling in love with someone. A woman who doesn't allow the person she's fallen for to live exactly as they choose to—whatever else she might be, she can hardly be called mentally mature. I see many women who are socially very strong and mature in their positions, but when it comes to love, they become reckless, manic, abnormal. Such behavior doesn't reflect maturity. They will suffer for it. That's only just.
I understand it all. Yet everything can't always be restrained. I've bound myself from so many directions. So now I think, all things considered, "apni" is better. I'm content with that.
Thought: Seven Hundred and Two

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One. Go ahead, spend your undergraduate years in whatever fun and revelry you want. No problem at all! Fall in love, roam around, throw money away, act like a big shot. Life's only one, right? What's the point of living if you can't have fun? There's a whole lifetime ahead for suffering anyway, isn't there?
Eventually, after taking beating after beating from life, you'll come to some fool like me in despair and say, "I was extremely talented, hardworking, a good student, but due to bad luck I couldn't achieve much in life. So please, give me a few measures of motivation that I can dissolve in water and gulp down."
I watch you all and laugh. Then I watch again and laugh again. So much oil in your bodies, so much fire in your minds. Wait—time will speak. It has spoken before, it speaks now, it will speak again. Of course, those whose fathers have plenty of money are a different story. They're born gurus! Their birth itself is their lifelong bliss!
Two. The indifference of someone you love profoundly—it cannot be borne while living. This is the most difficult thing of all. Even dying would be far easier.
You were never there, are not here today. Nor will you ever be. I understand everything now, absolutely everything! I wrote you letters, and in exchange you gave me some of your time. That's all, nothing more! You never ventured as far as love.
I will not write to you anymore. There is nothing left for you to give in return either. From today, you are free. Let this false system of exchange—built on pretend love and hollow affection—finally end. I can no longer keep such accounts.
I loved you so much and wrote so much...even when hurt, I wrote...how much I wrote...sometimes to you, sometimes for you...
I have never written so many letters to anyone in my life. Did you turn it all into mere necessity? Did you satisfy that need by reading it all as literature? Did you never once understand what those letters truly were?
Oh! Reader...! Someone who reads so very much, yet could not understand a single word of mine—let alone me! Was there any need for all this? And even if there was, did you really need to offer false love, time, and claims in return?
Even without loving me, if you had asked something of me, I would have tried my utmost to give it. But for that, no exchange would have been necessary. You didn't need to turn everything into a transaction!
Because I wrote letters, you made me into a commodity worthy of love's exchange—so I will abandon writing altogether. Those words I couldn't speak aloud but expressed through writing, let them remain unsaid. I will forget that I ever knew how to write anything to anyone.
I will forget that I used to love writing...even more than that, I loved writing to that person. Whoever I love, I write to them. What I cannot say with my mouth, I say through writing. This is my writing.
But now there is no need for it anymore. Of course, that need had become nothing but necessity long ago. I understood this in time. So writing is no longer possible. It doesn't come from the heart. I have to force myself greatly to write.
Now I feel that enough is enough...from now on, I truly will not write to anyone or for anyone's sake.
Three. I want so desperately to give you everything I have, if only that might bring me some peace. Though I have given it all already—my mind, my body, my love, my affection, my tenderness, my caring, my devotion, my feelings, even this dung-filled brain of mine, which you always call "Oh, how wonderful!" for no reason at all! All of this I've given you. Nothing remains that I can call my own.
I heard that one of your kidneys had failed. At this age! I ran to the hospital to give you mine. Everyone started laughing; they said a learned, educated person should at least know that you can't just give a kidney because you want to—apparently all sorts of things in the body have to match. Well, I hadn't thought of any of that! The moment I heard, I just rushed over! What would I do with my kidney if yours had failed? When I've already given someone my entire heart, how could I not give them this kidney?
You know, I used to think that I would give you everything you needed, and then I would be free from all obligations, truly peaceful and serene. But look how strange—the more I give, the richer my heart becomes! You can't see this, so you speak of gratitude and other such nonsense. I'm growing larger and wealthier in spirit every day. I don't see anyone around me who is as wealthy as I am! If even one of them were truly wealthy, they couldn't call me mad. I think it's because they are poor in spirit that they can say such things so easily.
When I was running to the hospital to give my kidney, Mother grabbed me tight and said, what if I died under the surgeon's knife! How foolish Mother is! I almost laughed hearing such words! Still, I kept quiet. Who would make Mother understand that when you've given your whole heart to someone through tears, giving your life with laughter doesn't take even two minutes!
Four. I don't have much time left. Let me tell you a few things. I used to believe that many things had to be kept hidden. Yes, I admit it, fine, whoever wants to can live that way. But I no longer hide my emotions. At the end, there's no point in conforming to all these things. I've wanted to tell you all this for a very long time.
One. My mind holds so many, so many, so many words, so much madness, and so many experiences. They truly exist. I never got to tell you about them. So much was supposed to happen between the two of us. Out of all those countless things, at least some should have happened, could have happened. Alas, they never did!
Two. If you had embraced me just once, and I could have held you and cried out loud, I truly believe I would have become mentally half-healed; my doctor says the same. The doctor actually told me this. I don't cry in front of anyone else, only in front of you do I cry, because it feels good. You may not want to do these things, and I don't think about that. But yes, I respect your decision. If you wish, I'm willing to die without even seeing you.
Three. Nothing more—just resting my head on your chest would bring me so much more happiness, perhaps you don't know that.
Four. Even sitting close to you, touching you, keeps me tremendously happy.
Five. I often go mad with longing just to see you, even from a distance!
Six. The craving to hold you just a little bit causes me tremendous, tremendous, tremendous pain.
Whatever the case, I've spoken what's in my heart. If these desires aren't fulfilled in this lifetime, so be it. Stay well, my dear!
Thought: Seven Hundred and Three

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One. Even being hated in the name of any fucking thing is much much better than being dominated in the name of love.
Two. Mr. Chowdhury, machine gun bullets and slingshot pellets are never the same. Don't come to the machine gunner with tales of slingshots.
Three. When poets of the past were forced to go to prison for writing poems against tyrannical rulers, why do you object to being blocked from my wall for commenting against me? Every Facebook user is a tyrant. Haven't you ever felt that way?
Four. 1. Before you judge someone by their appearance, take another look at yourself in the mirror. Stop taking pride in your inner beauty when all you can show them is your face.

2. When you are too conservative to show your face to someone of the opposite sex, be equally conservative about judging them. If you are conservative, remain so in all matters.

3. Seeking any kind of help from a stranger at first encounter is like proposing intimacy in the first conversation. First, establish a reason for this help—if you don't have one, create it—then everything else will follow naturally.

4. Before you pour out your problems emotionally to someone, remember that your problem is yours alone, not theirs. Never expect anyone's attention to your troubles unless they have some stake in them.

5. Never expect time from a person if you don't know how to earn it. Remember, in most cases, the time you truly need is the time money cannot buy.
Five. I have never seen an extraordinary person waste energy on anyone's private life. Not a single one.

I have never seen an ordinary person refrain from meddling in others' private lives. Not a single one.

Who does what, why they do it, where they go, whom they socialize with, what they eat, what they wear, how they conduct themselves, even how they comb their hair—only ordinary people busy themselves with such matters. The extraordinary ones, I tell you truly, have neither the time nor the inclination! Their own work is so abundant that finishing it alone leaves them breathless!
Sometimes I see certain people visiting my wall, entering my inbox (uninvited) and prying into my personal life. None of them are even on my friend list. The person I wouldn't let into my home, whose rightful place is outside my door—they come and stand by my threshold, catch the aroma of mutton biryani wafting from my kitchen, and think, "Ah, surely this biryani is being cooked for me!" Then they spend some time licking their own lips with their own tongue, savoring imaginary flavors, and depart from outside the door.
This is why some people are called 'the public.'
Six. What torment is this! The one I love so deeply—sometimes it seems that despite having love for them equal to my love for myself—after waiting all day, I can never manage to speak even two words with them in peace for just two minutes.
I don't know why I cannot make you understand who I am, why all my words sound like nothing but complaints to you. I'm losing faith in my own love; perhaps hearing this, you'll say that you too are losing faith in my love.
I know nothing, I understand nothing—why you refuse to understand me even a little, why all my words ring in your ears as mere complaints! I love you so much, yet why does my heart remain perpetually restless! Why can I not bring you even a fragment of peace? Why do I myself never find even a fragment of peace? Perhaps there is simply no such thing as peace in our fate!
I keep complaining about you, endlessly complaining. From now on I will say nothing more, do nothing extra. I am growing weary, I can no longer adapt to all this. Please let me live a little, you too should live a little.
There is nothing resembling a normal relationship between us. Neither of us has the natural expression of love. I want rest. I need to sleep a great, great deal.
Seven. Can we truly belong to those we love? No one in this world really belongs to anyone else, nor can they—they only perform the act of belonging. We cannot inhabit the entirety of the person we love. This is impossible. Perhaps another love dwells within them, one I know nothing of. There is no fault in this. The human unconscious mind never remains bound to a single point. This is truth, this is natural, this is constant.
We all have half our heart belonging to another, the remaining half to ourselves. We either raise the walls of our own heart, or the person we love, even while beside us, keeps their wall raised a little higher than ours, so that we can no longer reach them. They feel like someone very distant. The space between us grows ever wider. In truth, a person never knows when the walls of their mind grow taller, and keep growing. But suddenly when they look around, they see that the wall surrounding them has grown so high that even the wall right beside them can no longer be seen. What profound helplessness!
The human mind is inherently solitary, considering its surroundings. To a person, nothing ever truly becomes their own except themselves or their own being. Whatever one might say aloud, this is the truth. No one understands the true language of another's heart. This is why people suffer when they expect something from others, and they suffer the greatest blow from the very person they love, because with the beloved there exists a space for demands—from their sense of entitlement, they expect everything from their beloved. They expect their beloved to understand them, to know them, to stand beside them and give them courage in their moments of greatest need. But when they can no longer find that person in such a way, sorrows begin striking them one by one, their inner being starts fragmenting, and a kind of hatred emerges toward the world of love. They begin to think there is no such thing as love in this world. Thus the walls between people grow higher and higher, and keep growing.
Reflection: Seven Hundred and Four

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One. If I had to give someone a place in my life after my parents, it would be you—whether in terms of respect or love. Sometimes I feel an urge to touch these beloved people from very close. Or even without touching, to gaze at them from near, filling my heart with the sight. There was a time I would wonder, why are you someone beyond my reach? Why can I not have you as my own? But having moved away from your proximity, I understand today that love is beautiful from a distance. Stay far away, yet remain right before my eyes! You were never a "habit" of mine, nor are you now; you are simply the strength of my survival.
I love.
Two. What is life? Is it even possible to answer this question according to some absolute truth? What could be more relative than life itself! No motion on this earth is absolute; everything is relative. Science has explained motion in precisely this way. If we think a little more deeply, we'll see that this principle applies to almost everything. In place of motion, substitute anything else—yes, anything at all—and it will fit perfectly!
Even in mathematics, constants are obtained only through much artifice and under certain conditions, never naturally. Of course, everything I'm saying here is also merely a relative viewpoint! Not everyone need agree with me. Why? Because, as I said, everything is relative!
Well, whatever the case, I'm not that learned. My knowledge and experience are so negligible that I lack even the capacity to gauge the vastness or depth of the ocean of knowledge. So I'd better not venture to swim in these theoretical waters.
Yes, let me return to my subject at hand. Life! This life of mine at this moment seems utterly strange to me! Neither suffering, nor happiness, nor sorrow—none of these alone applies to my life. Only the adjective "strange" fits my life. I am constantly amazed by my life! I am truly amazed when I think of everything that has happened to me until today! And I believe I'll be even more amazed by whatever happens in the future!
Whatever day passes, that day passes well. I think, today went one way... what will tomorrow bring! Will I be somewhat happy, or will there be much suffering? What will actually happen? I can't understand anything.
Think positively... everyone will say that. Everyone does say that. But strangely, in my case, my negative apprehensions somehow come true, no matter how much I try to live in positive thoughts! Still, now I somehow force my mind to believe that whatever happens or will happen, everything is for the good. Something good will happen to me. Let's see what happens!
Can everything really be forced? Yet now this forcing is my last hope in life! How strange, isn't it! I wouldn't actually force things so much. Since there's no opportunity to escape from life, whether willingly or unwillingly, since I must live or am living anyway, hence all this forcing! What else can be done!
As long as there's breath, there must be hope! One who lacks it is not human, not human at all. A person who has been dying a little each day for many years, receiving blow after blow, expected or unexpected, and yet living on—that person who has spent night after night behind closed doors, weeping through the years—even that person, when suddenly made happy by some small cause, tries at any cost to bring back those causes of happiness, in the greed to feel a little better, in the hope of imagining how it feels to be a little happy.
He knows that even if temporary happiness comes by losing its way, its consequence is nothing but extreme suffering. Yet a person cannot give up the greed for that temporary happiness, even through great suffering. And for the person who is gradually exhausted from crying day after day, when he can live with a little laughter, his desire to live with a little laughter and play is nothing unnatural!
In this small portion of life that is mine, I have encountered so many bizarre and bewildering circumstances for no reason at all, and yet have failed to encounter many situations I should have faced—none of which I can explain anymore.
Everyone desires that a new morning begin on an auspicious day at an auspicious time. But who can guarantee that the night too will pass on this same auspicious day! Though many speak of life being made up of rises and falls, not many can accept this truth with equal ease. In fact, it's impossible to do so.
If becoming first in an exam once is difficult, maintaining that streak is a thousand times more difficult. When someone grows accustomed to consistently ranking first in every exam over a long period, they often cannot withstand the shock when that continuity is suddenly broken. Though the fact that life consists of victory and defeat is not unknown to them. Still, losing is no solution. Fighting until the last drop of blood remains is humanity's true calling. One must learn to live positively. One must make hard work a companion. One must have the courage and initiative to start anew after losing everything. Otherwise, defeat in life's battle is inevitable!
One must take patience as an ally. Effort must be made victorious by repeatedly defeating failure. If nothing else, at least let the utmost effort be made! Then at least this much consolation remains—whether success comes or not, the maximum effort was made. No flaw can be left in the attempt. No gap can be left in sincerity. When that happens, if failure comes, one cannot forgive oneself. However, for all of this, life's enthusiasm is sometimes needed, after all!
Self-confidence! It is difficult to build, and difficult to break. But once broken, bringing it back is nearly impossible! Only the one who has to do this work truly knows! Yet life moves forward! Ah, life! Oh, life! Philosophy, logic, emotion, suffering, success, failure—whatever exists, above all of it survives...life! How strange this life is!
Reflection: Seven Hundred Five

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One. As much affection as I receive from you,

I want to give that much affection in return.

That much desire stirs in my heart...

to rest my head upon your feet!

I will remain exactly such a child before you my entire life.

I will live on in this very dependence upon you.

As long as I remain this way, I know for certain, I will remain well.

Your given love and affection, or your reproach and anger—

never keep me distant from any of it!
Two. Please, just because you love me, never indulge my senseless behavior. Everything is beautiful in its proper place. I cannot take on a responsibility and then neglect it so carelessly, managing it haphazardly. This is truly a grave mistake on my part. And don't give me even the slightest leniency for any of my errors. If you do, the damage will be mine before it's yours.

If I do something that makes you feel I'm behaving carelessly about any matter, then speak to me with as much shame as you can manage, speak to me with humiliation.

I shirk a great deal, I always look for opportunities to rest whenever I get the chance. I'm constantly seeking gaps for sleep—this is a terrible habit of mine. How can I complete your work properly if I continue this way? Someone as irresponsible as I cannot do anything correctly.

Keep me in love where love belongs, keep me elsewhere in other things. When love is mixed into the place of duty, love pushes duty far away, and then the work simply doesn't get done. So I'm requesting you—don't confuse one with the other, never give me even a hair's breadth of leniency!

I have caused you great suffering. Such foolishness doesn't suit me—I'm truly an irresponsible person! Until I can complete your work properly, don't pamper me too much, don't rely on me. Only if I can ever prove that I'm worthy of trust should you trust me—otherwise, keep shaming me in everything, always.

I have never had even a particle of complaint against you, not then, not now. Just know this: I have loved you, I will love you—no matter how many accusations you pierce me with!
Three. Never become excited about anything until and unless you're sure that it will work finally. Don't tell anyone you're something if you're not that something yet. Let time speak for you, not your mouth. Life is not a Destiny 2k Ltd Company. If you make your life that company, suddenly, you'll find it nowhere like that company! When you see a rainbow, tell yourself it's yours, but tell others it's ours. It will keep your emotions safe. You can never catch a falling star if you start telling people about it, especially when those people are from Bangladesh. Do respect your own emotions. Don't make them come out unnecessarily. Emotions kept inside; emotions strengthened inside. ALWAYS. The more you stop sharing everything, the more you start growing up. Peace.
Four. : Sir, many people say that engineers are becoming BCS cadres merely through the strength of mathematics. The statement makes me laugh. I came out making a 10-mark error in mathematics in the BCS exam. If I hadn't made that mistake, the result could have been different.

: You deserve a proper beating. How could you make a mistake in mathematics!? Making errors in math is such a difficult thing to do! If you had gotten full marks there, you would have been first in the administration cadre. There shouldn't have been a 10-mark difference between you and the topper!

: Perhaps, Sir... But Sir, I believe I got the job through Bengali and English. The way I used to write Bengali and English in Pulse, I was able to write in the same style in Bengali, English, and general knowledge in the written exam, Sir.
A little while ago I was talking with my dear student Shoumya. This time he has ranked second in the merit list for BCS administration cadre. While chatting, Shoumya gave a wonderful idea. (The idea actually belongs to his wife, my younger sister Bristi. She too got a job with him in the 38th BCS this time.)
The idea is---

One day Shoumya will tell his success story live, along with some strategies for doing well in the BCS exam.

On the other three days...

My very dear student Dibya will talk about preparation strategies for the Assistant Director position at Bangladesh Bank.

My very dear student Doctor Rasel will talk about the BCS health cadre.

My very dear student Shuva will talk about how to do well in the GRE exam, and the details of going abroad to study with scholarships.
Needless to say, all three mentioned above are successful in their respective fields about which they will speak. Interestingly, all four of them are students from the same batch at Pulse. Except for Rasel, the other three are all engineers. If asked to list the most grateful and humble students I've seen as a teacher, I would place these four at the top. Even today they regularly keep in touch with me! I remember today how, while studying at BUET, after every exam Dibya would call me at night to tell me how his exam went! Before making any major decision, he would ask me.
In all four of these programs, I will be in the role of moderator. I won't speak, I'll just listen, along with all of you. What a tremendous joy this is for me—I cannot express it in words! While discussing this with Shoumya, I was experiencing a strange kind of happiness and energy! My hand- and cane-raised students will tell their success stories—what could be more prideful than this!
By the way, 'Pulse' is my once-upon-a-time dream home 'Pulse Coaching Home', where Shoumya, Rasel, Shuva, and Dibya used to study.
**Thought: Seven Hundred Six**

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One. Let me tell you something amusing. Simply because I cannot ask, not a single person who has entered my life so far—and a few still remain—has ever given me what was rightfully mine, whether money or anything else. When people cannot give something on time, they usually give it later, but no one has even done that for me. At the very least, people say sorry—that they couldn't give you such-and-such thing on time. But no one has even offered me that apology! I say nothing; I simply watch in silence. Forget about anything extra—everyone has given away what was rightfully mine to others, right before my eyes! Even then, I said nothing.
Even my parents never gave me what was mine unless I asked for it. Just to test them, I asked once or twice, and they stared at me so strangely! Ha ha ha... They looked at me as if they had never heard such a thing before.
Everyone together cheats me; by cheating me repeatedly, they have made it the norm. Yes, everyone! But I remain silent, I want nothing, nor will I ever ask. When I'm dying, I won't even ask for water—I'll die that way if necessary. If I ever see that I've become so ill that I'm becoming a burden to everyone, then without delaying even a moment, I'll grant myself eternal freedom!
If everyone finds happiness by cheating me, that brings me joy. To cheat or defeat someone who wants nothing is more impossible than the impossible itself!
Two. If someone's few words bring you comfort, and you think their life is nothing but happiness and joy, then you are a great fool. What actually happens is this: their life is filled with much sorrow and trouble—so much that all the suffering in your life combined wouldn't equal even a quarter of theirs. Yet they keep trying constantly to give you peace and solace. There exist such people who swallow their own tears upon seeing laughter in others' eyes. Even if you spread out your entire inventory of suffering before them, you still wouldn't understand what storm is raging within them at that very moment!
Oh fool, why don't you understand that if their life didn't contain so much pain, how would they know how to live with such a smiling face while pushing those pains aside? A person who is not suffering themselves cannot remove anyone else's suffering. A person can never remove from another the pain they themselves have not experienced or are not experiencing. Someone who has never wanted to commit suicide cannot, despite trying, bring anyone back from the brink of suicide. Someone whose life has never been visited by dark clouds cannot possibly give another person the courage that—someday this dark cloud will pass.
Three. Love? Ah, this is like the torrential rains of Ashadh! Will it pass so easily? It will wring out bones and marrow before it goes!
Sometimes I feel you are the closest person to my heart,

And sometimes I feel

you don't know me at all!

Such fragmented feelings leave me torn.
Four. Your habit of seeing yet not seeing wounds me deeply. If you don't wish to speak about something, you could at least say that much—that you don't want to discuss this matter. But to pretend not to see what you clearly see, to evade... enduring all this inflicts far greater hurt. Because of these behaviors of yours, all my normal activities are adversely affected, forcing me to conjure up my own interpretations about you. A simple friendship would be better than carrying on a relationship this way—there's no point in inflicting pain in love's name.
I am a very organized person, but gradually I'm becoming scattered. You'd better stay away from me. I cannot force myself to sustain such an abnormal relationship. I prefer to see life clearly, but now I cannot see it clearly. Having muddied everything, you cannot expect me to see clearly. Since this loving relationship isn't proceeding like love at all, you could maintain a friendship instead—but there's no sense in forcibly cramming something into a vessel that simply cannot contain it. I can adapt myself to circumstances very quickly. So there's no need to harbor any fear that I might do something reckless.
I cannot adjust to these behaviors of yours. Don't force me to live by your principles. I will never be able to do that.
Five. After thinking it over, what I've come to understand is that you actually endure a great deal from me—otherwise, maintaining a relationship with a madwoman like me wouldn't be possible. Truly... all credit belongs to you alone.
After thinking a little more, I realized that I am so utterly worthless that I only want to escape and survive by fleeing from life. And where is this escape? In you... where else! And you even give me shelter. Truly... all credit belongs to you alone.
Six. #Brother_I_Love_You_Fact
The practice of remaining detached—neither elated by excessive praise nor disturbed by excessive criticism—saves a person from much unnecessary trouble. This understanding is born in people only when they observe:
One. Those who sing your praises today with five voices—not one of them can be found in times of trouble. On the contrary, several of them can be seen working tirelessly against you like dedicated activists. So considering them your own from the beginning would be inviting disaster!
Two. Those who are frantically busy criticizing you today—their criticism cannot play much of a role in amplifying trouble when trouble comes. Since they're already known quantities, keeping oneself at a safe distance from them becomes much easier.
**Thought: Seven Hundred and Seven**

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One. I have observed two kinds of friends:

With some friends, to preserve the friendship, one must speak with the same respect shown during that very first conversation.

With some friends, to destroy the friendship, one must speak with the same respect shown during that very first conversation.
I have noticed another curious thing. Some friends, no matter how old the friendship, simply cannot be addressed as *tui* — one must always say *tumi*; the *tui* just won't come to the lips. It's not that the relationship is formal, distant, or anything of that sort. Then there are other friends who can be addressed as *tui* from the very first day. Something about their very appearance seems wrapped in a certain *tui-tui* quality! It may well be that the relationship with them isn't particularly intimate.
What in this world could be more varied than the dynamics of human relationships!
Two. The more people learn what they don't need to know, the less interested they become in knowing what is necessary. Since unnecessary things generally keep people more satisfied, they gradually become addicted to them. Eventually, quite naturally, they merge into the ranks of ordinary folk. What satisfies whom determines how far they can go. There's an expression: "street people." Those whose mentality belongs to that level remain that way throughout their lives. Just as the morning tells us what kind of day it will be, looking at someone in their youth, one can predict with about 95% accuracy how far they'll be able to travel in life. I don't say this aloud because they'd get angry (might even try to beat me up), but so far my estimates and predictions haven't been particularly wrong. In youth, one feels like quite the king or emperor; as age advances, one realizes — alas! — that becoming a king is far beyond reach; one hasn't even acquired the qualifications to be a servant in the king's household! Then there's really nothing left to do.
Three. Every human being is actually alone, only afraid to admit it; the fear is of losing even what little they have. Even being lonely with the wrong person is something people can accept, but the thought of being alone with themselves is too frightening to entertain. This is why I often feel that humans are creatures who luxuriate in suffering. People want to escape from the very life in which they live. The result: neither living nor escaping.
Four. If I treat someone in a way I wouldn't expect to be treated by them, then I am either foolish or ill-mannered. If I save good behavior for acquaintances and reserve bad behavior for intimates, I'll find that everyone around me gradually joins the ranks of mere acquaintances, while I become increasingly alone.
Five. Shoumya Chowdhury is one of the most beloved students from my former coaching center P@ul's Coaching Home, and among the two or three who remain remarkably grateful to me. He just called to tell me he has ranked second in the merit list for the BCS Administration Cadre.
Something he once said comes vividly to mind at this moment: "Sir, whatever I know, I learned from you. With that knowledge I taught students, with that I took the BCS exam, and with that I still earn my living. Since you stopped teaching until now, I haven't really learned anything new that has been useful in my journey."
I feel extraordinarily happy. I am in Chittagong, yet there has never been an instance when Soumya came to Chittagong from Dhaka and returned without meeting me. I have rarely encountered such a grateful, humble student in my life. For such students, blessings truly flow spontaneously from the heart. The joy I feel today—perhaps I didn't feel as much even when I received my own results.
I'm too moved to write more, but I still wish to write later about the style in which I used to teach them.
Six. #Subscribers_crossed_one_hundred_thousand!
I believe my YouTube channel has shown countless people the path to survival, taught them to think about their careers, brought them back from the brink of suicide, and answered many questions about life. It has helped them get various jobs and start businesses—in short, helped them earn their livelihood. Most importantly, whether eyes smile or weep—in both moments, my channel has stood beside many of you. For me, this is the greatest fortune! Thank you for staying with us.
Today, on such a day when our family membership crossed one hundred thousand, I'm going live at 9 PM to speak about depression, suicide, failure, mental health, and such matters! What a coincidence indeed!
This achievement of our family crossing 100,000 members belongs to you. As long as I live, I will continue working for you—never accepting a single penny.
Let me make another announcement here. Just a few days ago, I monetized my YouTube channel. Whatever money comes through this channel, I will spend every bit of it for people's welfare—I will not spend a single penny for my own use. This is my vow and my dream.
I wish you good health. Stay with us!

YouTube channel link: youtube.com/c/SushantaPaulCareerAdda
Seven. Two kinds of times come in our lives:
At one time, we want the opportunity to talk with certain people, to mingle with them, but we don't get it. They don't want to give us that opportunity.
Later, those same people want to give us that opportunity, but we don't want to take it. We think, what's the need to mingle with the elite!
If you wish to place yourself in the elite class, do so in such a way that you can remain elite until death. When a big mango tree considers a small mango tree a parasite, the small mango tree, upon growing big, also considers the big mango tree a parasite. This is the rule.