Lost in Your Shadow

I never had the habit of writing. That the echoes of feeling could strike so forcefully against the ribs of my chest—this feels like a profound awakening. All of it, of course, I have learned through being near you.

I remain perpetually immersed in whimsical thoughts from every realm, as though I am almost always lost in love with you. No matter how intense the emotions love may birth, I touch separation like a ritual. And love itself? I nurture it within my being, keeping you wrapped in every corner of my heart.

I never developed the habit of touching your body, only an addiction to the longing to live deeply in your breath. Ordinarily, no touch creates sensation in my body, but when your lips graze mine and you say "I love you," or when you remain silent—in that moment you leave the traces of your deepest wounds within me. Then the inside of my chest becomes desperate with the yearning to touch you.

If I cannot bear the weight of your emotions, if I do not try to heal the wounds in your heart, if I cannot witness your deepest joy, then how do I dare show the audacity to leave saying "take care"? Only the spineless leave saying "take care." I am not one of those people. By now you must surely understand that the responsibility for your wellbeing is not yours alone—it is mine too. I can only be your shadow, because you yourself say—I am your sole companion in thought. I do not want to be your runaway. Yes, you're thinking correctly—I want to belong only to you.

"Take care"—this phrase carries different meanings in relationships. Even when two people say the same words, their underlying meanings can be completely different. Someone says "take care" before parting in the rush to sever ties, while another, having tried hundreds of times to preserve the relationship and failed, leaves behind a chest full of waiting and good wishes hidden behind the same words. Perhaps all the separations in the world happen through this widely used phrase.

Well, tell me, does life stop at this? You can lose yourself in the oscillations of relationship, you can remain intoxicated with passion, but to sacrifice oneself in love—understanding this truth requires self-sacrifice.

That the new could be embraced so deeply—without encountering a personality with such unwavering conviction as yours, I never would have understood this. You are my teacher, my friend, my companion in thought, and my only love.