Like a Cool River

If that child of mine had lived, by now it might have learned to walk, little by little. If only you had given me just a bit of courage, I would have kept it.

Such fierce emotion stirs within me about that child. Since the abortion, I often dream of a two- or three-year-old—laughing, playing, running. Suddenly it vanishes, and I wake up. A strange tenderness settles in my chest then.

Perhaps if I had continued writing, I would have written so much that reading it, you would have broken down and wept.

It was completely unwanted, yet somehow a miraculous child. I had taken the pill, my period had come. And still...! The doctor had said—your baby is developing quite well, and the heartbeat is growing stronger.

If only you had told me just once, I truly would have kept it. What would have happened? Couldn't we have raised a child working all our lives? You at least had that ability. But I—I murdered my own child! This guilt will never leave me.

Its heartbeat was completely clear. Three doctors—none of them wanted to give me the medication to terminate. Because the report was perfectly good, and the heartbeat was very fast. A woman had entered the ultrasound room with me, someone who had been trying to conceive for nine years without success. When they showed our child on the screen, she looked on with such wistful eyes.

And when I saw its first movement, I broke down sobbing. Tears streamed from my eyes. The doctor was saying, "Oh girl, why are you crying? Have some sweets." The person beside me said, "Let her cry, madam. Let her cry. These are tears of joy."

Strangely enough, I wept bitterly even sitting on the street outside the hospital. Then I went home and bought sweets for all the girls in the hostel. That was the greatest feeling of becoming a mother for the first time in my life. I may not have given birth, but I acknowledged it as my first child. I was tremendously happy at its arrival. Never again have I felt womanhood so vividly.

There's such a difference between a woman's love and tenderness and a man's. I understood that all too well. Since then I have become very calm—like a cool river.