Light Upon Light Upon Darkness

 
Sagnik, today I broke through all shame. I showered you with love!
Today for the first time—though not really.
I've done it many times before. In your words I've loved you. In your voice I've loved you.


Do you know how many times I've crept like a thief into your room!
How many hundreds of times I've traced tender touches on your sleeping body!
If you knew of those days, you'd be mortified with shame, Sagnik!
You'd think, this girl is so mad! How could she do such things to me!


Sagnik, do you know what disguise I once wore to your house? As a maid!
A great veil pulled down. You were sleeping then in your room.
I'd touch your pen, your papers, your books... breathe in the scent of your clothes.
I'd adjust the curtains to see if sunlight was falling on your face.


Then... I'd watch you sleep, gazing and gazing. You look so tender when you sleep!
In between, your mother would call out.
"Hey Sayanti, why does it take you so long to tidy up that room!"
I'd stay silent. Say nothing. Not all questions have answers.


When I came before you I'd pull down my veil, never speak a word.
Lest you recognize me and drive me away!
I'd cook for you, though mother said she would do it herself.
I'd convince mother and cook for you. You'd eat with such satisfaction. It felt so good.


Sagnik, you never knew
how I'd wander around just to catch a glimpse of you.
Then night would fall. You in your room, I could no longer peek.
I'd see you laughing and talking with someone,
and right then I'd slip away to my room.


Sagnik, do you know how restless I became reading your last piece!
I didn't call you. Not because I was busy.


I didn't want to trouble you, Sagnik.
I wanted to hear you. You need an excuse to call, don't you.
I dialed a couple times and hung up.
Then dialed again, hung up. I do this often.
I messaged you that I was alone. I kept thinking, what if you called!


I know too that I don't want to accept all this.
Sagnik, don't go against your wishes. I won't even ask you to look for me.
When I try to talk with you I speak all jumbled.
I don't know what's right to say, what's not right to say.


Why I don't want to accept it, I don't know, don't want to know either.
Really, there's no point in knowing.
Against your wishes I kept you trapped on the phone then, didn't I?
You didn't understand that in my mind I was holding you tight to my heart.
That's why I kept saying, I won't let go now. Not the phone, actually—you.


I realize I'm troubling you quite a bit.
I truly don't want to annoy you.
But just as you want me to be well,
I too want you to be well. That's why I force you
to follow certain rules. I needle you. I won't anymore. I've given you freedom.


I want to give you peace, not pain or hurt.
Reading your last piece made me want to cry, Sagnik.
I wrote whatever I felt like on your wall. Whatever came to mind.
I felt like I was going crazy. That's why I said, hold it to your heart!


If I were there with you I'd press heart to heart and rest my head on your shoulder.
Even if it hurt you I wouldn't let go.
I wanted so much to love you tenderly, so then I gave you one caress.
Now many more.
Your right hand fingers got the most love. I adore them!
Will you keep that hand on your heart tonight?
I'll rest my hand on that hand and fall asleep holding it.


Your warm embrace gives me peace.
So much I want to write but cannot.
I cannot bear your breaking apart, it hurts me, Sagnik!


The hair on your forehead has grown too long, trim it later.
I'm not asking you to come by any schedule,
just saying, don't sit there so rigid, Sagnik!
Hold me close sometimes, I hurt too.
If you're well, see how effortlessly I'll dress myself in joy's melody.


Sagnik, I do try to stay well otherwise,
yet my beloved's pain crowds into my heart too, makes me weep.
Shaking off all hesitation I've drawn a loving mark on your eyes.
Look and see, I won't torment you anymore.
Don't write like that about dying, about sadness, my dear!