In the falling gesture, in endless death

 
Tell me, is there much light where you are now? Heaps and heaps of white light? Light that turns day to night, night to day... such light?
All over your body silken traces of that light have bloomed, your eyes flash even brighter, your rose lips glow redder still... they're becoming more divinely radiant!
You've rubbed even the last drop of light scattered across the room onto your skin, merged in some wondrous glow as you sit in that chair... like a honeycomb—golden!


Oh! What am I saying! I haven't even seen you yet!
Yet look, you're so familiar to me, as if from forever!
That old touch, that old smile, with a sliver of known sunlight...
Those soft light-seared mustard-bright mornings, languid afternoons echoing with cuckoo calls,
evenings flying on white crane wings... ah, how they used to touch us,
wild village boys spinning in circles, chasing behind, returning home at dusk,
mother's lamp flickering beneath the tulsi plant...
These are all old accounts, and within these very accounts
I've dressed blue in golden love at its burning hour... piercing the silent fire's heart!


Whatever that may be, don't you truly want to know...
how I am now, in what way I am, where I am?
I know what I've seen in your deep eyes,
if I trust that seeing, then I'll say,
move aside the veil of those lips, there many words have made their home,
how much I'm alive—all of it awaits your knowing...
If all this is false, then you tell me, how much do you want, by what rule!
Today let me arrange whatever pain I have in your touch!


I sit now in darkness thick as birthday cake cream, unclear, impenetrable, and soft.
You're thinking, what kind of darkness is this... like cream!
Know this, I love this very darkness... because I love you,
the day you come here, we two together will smear that pure white lightning-light on our skin,
as if breaking through thousand-year-old darkness I am a woman—newborn!
That woman glows only in your light, becomes sacred only in your touch,
even in your neglect she remains trapped in that binding frame, she who belongs only to love!


Are you thinking I'm from another planet? What human of this planet speaks such strange words?
Then listen, I tell you, not in kisses, not merely in the body, my shivers reach much further...
Feeling remains trapped only in light and shadow, never emerges from there!
When I sit with you beside the window, when you touch me with your deep breath,
when you come close, your footsteps will sound eager, fill me with completeness,
...then very mischievously someone inside will throw a glance and say laughing,
Still sitting there like that! Wrap yourself in your sari's folds, draw kohl at your eyes' edge... tell me, what a mad girl you are! When will you do these things? He's coming!


Truly, how ashamed I feel then!
Inside my mind runs a restless procession of consciousness in heated breath!
I take one step forward, give another step, moving like this it comes to mind,
today slippery darkness will become fierce white moonlight in the moon's current,
in that current's rush you'll see, come... how complete I'll become, how pure in moonbath...
If you truly look into these burnt eyes, then I'll burst with rage again—why are you looking like that! What's left to take now?
Will you shoot me with loneliness's arrow today then? Go ahead, let's see your courage!
Today I won't let pain's rain touch this body... even if the world spins wrong!
Today let all my touches, all the living breath of feeling surround me!


See how I've wrapped myself in my sari's folds,
see how I've worn anklets, rubbed bakul fragrance in my hair,
see how I've touched rose pollen to my lips—
for whom have I done all this? Don't you understand even seeing?
Those foolish pupils of your eyes understand nothing!


Will it work to float only in the sky's blue?
Will victory's flag fly by casting glances only at enchanting faces?
To know how to love even a little,
one must learn to count the hours of waiting too,
one must look toward the path and listen with cocked ear for footsteps!
...Have you understood, stars! Have you understood, blue! Have you understood, moon!
O silence, have you understood too!


Enough! No more understanding needed! Today I have much work at hand!
For him I must prepare a flower-bower, spread soft sheets of love and let him sleep today!
I'll string garlands of fallen jasmine, weave mats of yellow marigold...
When he comes, where shall I seat him! Don't you understand even that?
Have you brought the nilkantha? Why the delay? Evening approaches, arrange the welcome tray!


Today I'll decorate my world just as I please,
in my heart's four quarters I'll arrange the bridal chamber in four parts,
garlands of all unspoken words in throbbing half-caught voice, I'll make him wear them,
the garden woven in these eyes' dark thread, I'll tell him of that too,
then I'll grasp his two hands firmly, press them to my chest!
In this chest there's a spring, from there in peaceful-compassionate sound-force blood spurts in jets all around!


All my unfinished work, let it end right here today!
Standing at life's boundary, why does life still seek edges?
Whatever duties have claimed me, bid farewell to all those now!
All my efforts to protect, all my anguish, let them find fulfillment today,
in that hope I, a weary traveler, draw the line—of peaceful joy!