Illness brings such stillness

 
Beloved Shayan,
I have nurtured this fierce longing to see you within my heart.
When the world's sickness heals, come to me, remember to come.


You know, don't you, that closeness is forbidden now,
humanity stands so helpless before this ailment.
Our very lives have gone missing somewhere,
all our exuberance has faded pale.
Our dreams sink like heavy stones before we can even blink.


In the city's lanes and alleys, no one has any beloved today,
every face of love lies dim, shrouded in sorrow's veil.


I know, Shayan,
if I fall ill today, no one will come to see me.
You won't come either. I know. Thinking I won't see you one last time
makes me afraid even to die!


Perhaps it will be like this: I'll reach out to touch you once,
and you'll turn me away! Tell me, would I still want to live then?


Shayan, everyone knows me as a withdrawn person.
I have no connection with anyone.
Close people, you could count on your fingers—two, maybe three.
Beyond that lies another world where I often dwell,
where I love to remain. With love, with moments of tender resentment,
there are only two people there—you and me!


Today, I don't know why, I keep feeling
I will be infected, there will be no treatment for me in this society.
So I'm assuming the possibility of my survival is very slim.
You understand, don't you—if I die, no one will even bury me properly.


No one bears the responsibility of keeping track of my ant-like existence in this world,
what would it matter if I died? None of them will remember me,
no sorrow in that. You too will forget me—that's my only grief!


My world is truly terribly small.
I let very few people know about myself.
There you always remain in a completely different place!
I keep you with such care, Shayan! Do you understand?


I'm missing you terribly today! I want to know
where you are…how you are…whether you've thought of me at all…


Today I desperately want to throw my arms around your neck and sob.
I want to forget pride and resentment, anger and quarrels, complaints and accusations…everything.
When I'm gone, what will remain of all this, tell me?


I just want to love you with my whole heart laid bare.
Call it love or call it ill-will, whatever I feel for you,
I desperately want to clutch it all and stay alive.


I'm not orderly with you,
nothing gets arranged or organized when I'm with you.
I know you perhaps belong to someone else, or to yourself.
We don't belong to each other—people never belong to each other,
they only try to become each other's!


I am a wanderer running in search of livelihood,
these two eyes hold no weariness, only hunger.
I never had the chance to love anyone,
duty and time never gave me that opportunity.


That same me has somehow come to stand at your door today!
I'm terribly anxious because my place in your life is unclear.
I never sought love—having found you, I understood
that apart from one love, I truly wanted nothing else.


All the world's peace clings to my eyes
whenever I catch a glimpse of you.
Seeing you, I walk away unmoved, forgetting the rest of the world!
I love you so much, Shayan.


Lately I keep thinking that you staying away is for the best!
Perhaps if I mistakenly touch you, you'll be infected!
So in the hope of keeping you safe, little by little
I'm moving away from you!
If I leave, nothing will happen! Will it, Shayan?


One can love you,
one can die gazing into your eyes.
You are my whole simple life, a simple soul!
May you live a thousand years!


If this world heals,
if I'm still alive that day, then I promise
I'll gather all the love that survives in the lanes and alleys of this world
and place it all before your eyes.


I desperately want this world to survive, for you to survive…
Shayan, if I die, will you remember me and cry a little that day?
Will you keep me tenderly in your heart and love me just a bit?