- Hey Manik, Manik...!
This was the very call I was trying desperately not to hear. But where there's fear of the tiger, they say, that's where evening falls.
I'd spotted Lily right at the entrance to New Market. On any other day I might have crossed the street to watch the crane birds instead. My friends were with me, so we'd been wandering around the book quarter.
- Tamim, you guys go on, I'll catch up.
- Did we ask you to come along?...Mamun's voice dripping with mock warmth...go on then, we'll just look the other way.
And that's exactly what they did—ducked into Mallik Brothers. They all know Lily, of course.
I was seeing Lily after nearly five months. She looked the same as before. Fairer, healthier even, but somehow a little faded.
- How are you?
- Fine.
- Don't you come to our side anymore?
- Don't get the time. (I lied.)
I go to Twenty-three quite often, but deliberately avoid going to her place. Lily knows this, yet said nothing.
- I know, you'll never have time!
I absorbed the barb.
- What's that in your hands? I see your book-buying addiction still hasn't left you!
- It's the only small luxury a poor man has. Couldn't manage to give it up!
- Why do you always think so little of yourself, Manik!
- I don't think little of myself. But about myself... I know, you've heard all this countless times! Such philosophizing won't penetrate Lily's head right now. But tell me, how are you doing?
- Now you finally remember to ask!
Lily laughed just like before. When she laughs, a little dimple forms in her right cheek. I felt good about that. So Lily still knows how to laugh! That laugh is probably first among Lily's attractive qualities. The midday sun blazed overhead. We began walking on the verandas of the lined-up bookshops.
- Fine. Your Lily is doing fine.
I sensed she said this while glancing at me sideways. Did Lily say it in a slightly different way? Or was I hearing things? What did she mean by 'your Lily'?
- Shall we sit somewhere? (I said as we reached The Novelty.)
- In this heat! No, come to my place. One day without mess food won't hurt!
- Will your home cooking agree with me, Lily?
- Don't say such things, Manik! It hurts me.
- Actually I didn't mean anything by it. Just joking.
We walked in silence. No sign of Tamim and Mamun. They're probably lurking nearby somewhere.
- How's your writing going? (I know Lily keeps track of such news.)
- I think I can publish my first book this month. I'll send it to you when it comes out.
I didn't tell her that I'd dedicated the book to her.
At some point conversation runs dry. But before, conversation never wanted to end. When Lily stopped, I would; when I stopped, Lily would start again. Then we never had to search for topics—conversation simply refused to end. Today I can't find anything worth saying, no matter how I grope. Has something changed in me, or between Lily and me?
Lily wouldn't hear any excuses. She took me home in the car. I showered there. Had rice there.
- You know, Manik, sometimes I feel like...
- What?
- I feel like, I feel like...breaking free from here! If I could go somewhere! Somewhere where...
Lily couldn't explain what that place would be like. But why did Lily use the word 'freedom'? Was it unconscious? Or deliberate?
So what I'd heard was all true. I'd already had some inklings—and what people say, some of it must be true!
I was smoking quietly, leisurely. Lily had fed me incredibly well today. She wouldn't take no for an answer—like a seasoned housewife, she kept piling this and that onto my plate.
- I never got to cook for you with my own hands.
Lily came and sat beside me. I hadn't known Lily could cook so well.
- Tell me Manik, don't you remember how I used to talk about breaking free sometimes before? And you would say...
- Let's not rake up old pickles! This is fine, isn't it!
- Do you think I'm very happy?
For the first time that day I really looked at Lily. Lily's eyes...those eyes so familiar to me, seemed somehow different. Some kind of yearning—the pain of not having something—in those deep blue-dark eyes...like a broken-winged bird searching for a nest. I couldn't keep looking for long. Lily's eyes would either burn me or make me cry.
- But Lily, there's no other way. You have to accept this.
- Why must I accept it? I didn't want this.
Even before marriage, when everything was settled for her, Lily used to say such things.
I'd gotten a second class second in my MA. I'd become a junior executive at a good foreign firm with a fat salary. In June of '18 I had to go to jail. Now I've abandoned everything and just write.
My finals were done. Lily was about to enter her third year. Suddenly one day she asked me some questions.
- Have you thought about the future?
- The future! Whose future? What future?
I thought to myself, I'll pass for sure. Once I land something, all problems will be solved. Lily giggled. Then in a melodious voice she said—ours.
I was struck dumb. I'd never kissed Lily, never spoken words of love to her. Of course she enjoyed holding hands and walking; we'd even seen movies together. I didn't usually mix much with girls, but with Lily I was very open—I won't deny that. But Lily was my aunt Renu's daughter. Aunt and uncle loved me dearly. I'd go to their house in Kathalbagan whenever I felt like it and call out...Li-li...where's Lily?
Lily's little sister Shelly would often puff up her cheeks in annoyance.
- Is Li-apa the only one who stays home alone, Manik bhai?
I used to pull Shelly's hair. She hasn't even finished school yet, but what a little devil the girl has become!
- Listen Manik, if you wanted to, you could.
I could? Could what! What was Lily trying to say?
Can't it be like before again? You and me!
Had Lily lost her mind? What was the girl saying!
- Please, Manik, just think about it once!
- But Lily, won't you think about your own situation? Your family, your husband, and your daughter.
Wait, isn't Lily's daughter's name Mili?... I'm not entirely sure.
- Yes, everything's fine, Manik!
And then Lily suddenly did something I was completely unprepared for. She grabbed my kurta and burst into sobs! Even my new undershirt beneath was getting soaked with Lily's tears.
- Take me away, Manik. Away from this beast, somewhere far, Manik! Very far, where no one can reach us!
I'd heard that Lily's husband did drugs, beat his wife, and god knows what else! So it was all true after all!
Lily's husband had returned from outside. The gentleman (is it right to call him that?) was shorter than me, but quite fair. A somewhat shifty, weaselly sort of face. Lily was rubbing her face against my chest then. My right hand was in her hair.
- Oh! So you're that scoundrel! Manik or whatever your name is!
After that, I thought about marrying Lily for the first time in my life. Me, Lily, and her daughter—we'd make a perfect family! I'd take the newspaper offer, Lily would finish her MA and get into some school. We'd get by just fine. But what would people think? Whatever people think, what does it matter? Life isn't theirs to live!
I didn't delay my decision for even a moment. If I die following my heart, so be it... I love Lily!