What could I possibly write
leaving you out? Have I managed even now
to emerge from within you? I haven’t,
I can’t! The day I’m able
to step out from within you, perhaps then I can think
of writing about other things. Right now, where’s the time to write about anything else but you? Do you let me focus my mind
on anything else? The moment I say
I’m not feeling well, you immediately want to know what happened, why it happened… a thousand questions all at once! How much do I myself know about what’s wrong with me?
Do I really know anything at all?
I couldn’t before,
I can’t even today organize my thoughts enough
to say anything coherently. What happens in this inner world, such things can’t be said
so easily—whatever I say will fall short. Before, whenever thinking of you made me feel bad,
when I’d remember you intensely,
when I’d long desperately to come
to you, to shower you with affection
just as I pleased, I’d keep myself
frantically busy like someone possessed! Now at least I feel a bit lighter knowing I can tell you all this—before, I couldn’t even speak of it. I’d feel angry with you,
hurt, resentful, and then everything would dissolve within myself. Tell me,
all these complaints and grievances I have against you—to whom else should I take them but you?
Who else do I have
besides you? And why would I tell
anyone else? I’ll speak of you to you alone.
Anger, complaints, hurt feelings, grievances—I’ll bring them all to you, I’ll cry too, and finally I’ll love you as well. There, doesn’t that settle everything? During those times of misunderstandings and hurt feelings, I used to read books, work, and if there was no work, I’d find work to do—I’d fold the same clothes twice if needed, clean the same room twice, and if I felt really awful, I’d go outside… What can I do,
tell me… the moment I’m alone in the room, you come rushing to embrace me!
Day after day I would remain alone, going mad within myself all the time, unable to tell anyone, crying countless moments, getting angry with myself thinking what strange disease I had brought upon myself! You never enticed me, never did. You bore no fault at all. I had lost control over myself—what could you have done about that! Whether unconsciously or consciously, whatever I did, I alone did it. This burden is mine alone to bear. Tell me, do you think I’m desperate for love? You know, golden bird, yesterday when I went out with friends for Christmas celebrations, they kept scolding me the entire time. They said I was physically present with them, but my mind was elsewhere, and somehow I couldn’t understand these things, you know? But yes, for some reason I wasn’t enjoying spending time with them at all. They said I had become quite the shirker, always rushing home the moment I stepped out. I stayed with them until 8 PM—what could I do, they had forced me to stay! I no longer enjoy wasting time in all this noise and commotion; I gave up such things long ago. That doesn’t mean I can’t handle commotion when necessary—but only when necessary. The rest of the time, I prefer being alone. And when I’m alone, I can talk freely with you. When will I be able to sit and chat with you like this for hours on end! Will I ever be able to? Will I ever have you in that way? Now when we talk, you sometimes hold me to your chest, call me ‘golden bird’—I love it so much then.
Listen, am I acting like a child? Tell me honestly, will you? Darling, why do you keep me with such tenderness? Why do you speak to me with such affection? When you do that, I’m so happy I could cry. Should I spend my whole day crying? You never let me forget my sorrows, so how else will the tears of pain flow from my eyes? If tears keep gathering in my eyes like this, I won’t be able to cry anymore later. How will I survive then? You know, yesterday my friends told me that I can apparently sustain any relationship, that I don’t understand my own preferences in all this, that whatever is handed to me, I’ll apparently make do with that, but this isn’t called living! Yet I’ve never understood these distinctions. I don’t understand things that way. After all these years, I’m finally doing well now, I’ve learned to live with a little joy—so shouldn’t I take this? Tell me? My heart steals away to you like a thief the moment it gets a chance—do I do this on purpose? I’ve tried to keep myself busy, to forget you… honestly, I never really bothered you that way! Yet if I still can’t keep myself in check, then what else should I do? You probably think it’s because I live alone, that marriage would fix everything! But I know myself, I’ve seen how much I can force myself… I can’t sleep even if I could force myself into that kind of household. I just can’t. Whenever I think of this body being touched by someone I don’t care for, I feel like I’d just lie there like a corpse. Just like now, when I don’t feel like it, I do many things simply because I have to. Even now, where my heart doesn’t bind itself, my body doesn’t want to go. And if I live with a person but can’t accept them, can’t at least give them their due, then what’s the point of such a relationship? And how would I carry this burden my whole life? And eventually, not getting me completely, he would start complaining, creating unrest, and from this would begin the seeds of suspicion. When people don’t get something completely, that’s where suspicion takes root.
Without love, you can’t give anything completely, going beyond mere preference. Today I can tell you everything, I don’t have to hide anything, because I’ve been able to give myself to you completely. I have nothing to conceal from you. And that’s why you’ve never forced me, never compelled me. If I had given myself to you against my will, I would have certainly spent that time running away from you, or avoiding you, or doing it just to get it over with somehow. When a person gets entangled in a bond, invisible expectations toward the other person emerge. If I can’t fulfill those expectations, then what’s the point of needlessly entangling myself there and deceiving? I have no right to cheat someone else. Because they too have the right to be happy.
Yes, I am indeed running—from myself, from everyone else. I can’t make anyone understand anything, and yet when I try to convince my heart to accept these things, when I present various arguments, my heart immediately rebels, starts revolting.
From the outside, these matters don’t seem apparent, yet inside there’s constant turmoil. These things can’t be explained through words; if you tell someone, they end up giving you advice instead. I ask everyone for time, just a little more, a little more, just a little more time… I understand that these days they’re also afraid to pressure me. Perhaps they understand a little. Their fear is justified, because if I’m unwilling, no one can force me into another relationship. And right now, my heart’s wishes matter most to me. I won’t do anything that goes against my heart anymore. I’ve done enough of that!
Carrying something unwillingly is terribly painful now. You can’t really escape by running from yourself. At some point, everything collapses all at once. I can’t ignore what’s inside and focus only on the exterior, nor do I want to.
For me, marriage isn’t based solely on physical needs. If you make that one reason primary, then everything else becomes somehow inappropriate and chaotic. Physical relationships also come from emotional fulfillment. To me, physical intimacy is just one important part among all the other aspects of marriage. And when there’s no respect, trust, faith, or affection along with love, then at some point, maintaining a relationship solely through physical connection feels like a burden.
When someone accepts another person wholeheartedly, they have no trouble accepting and adjusting to everything else about them. Then other things come naturally and effortlessly. You can do anything for them, give up anything. That relationship gradually becomes more colorful, more vibrant. The desire to receive love seems to grow in harmony with it, without any fatigue; the relationship doesn’t fade or become stale, doesn’t feel monotonous.
Rather, then spending even a day without them becomes terribly irritating. Your eyes keep searching only for them. If you can’t tell them everything, it feels like something is stuck in your throat… why won’t it come down! When will they come and when can I tell them everything—such breathlessness! You can give up so much just for their little smile, it feels good to be the way they want you to be. Anger, complaints, hurt feelings—everything seems to disappear somewhere. That’s how relationships should be! If they’re not like this, then what’s the point of keeping yourself trapped there, staying trapped? What obligation is worth so much?
What kind of rule is that? If a house is shaky, you must understand that its foundation isn’t solid. Then no matter how much you try to hold it together from the outside, patch it up with force, it will eventually collapse. How long is it possible to keep it standing anyway!
These days, for some reason,
the moment you’re out of sight, I’m overwhelmed by tears. I start feeling like you’ve vanished, like I’ll never find you again. A thousand times
I check my phone to see if you’ve texted. When there’s no text on my mobile, I check messenger,
and if I don’t find you
online for too long, something inside my chest
starts to ache. My eyes desperately search for you. Over and over I check your profile,
over and over my heart
keeps asking… where has he gone, where is he, is he alright,
what is he doing, why hasn’t he come yet, not even a single text… when I can’t bear it anymore, I’m forced to
text you myself. Sometimes when I miss you terribly, but can’t have you near, I want to cry like a child,
hoping that would make you come,
come and caress me, hold me to your chest… this is my greed. I’m truly far too
greedy for your love. Why does this happen to me? Am I doing something excessive or going overboard? Should I restrain myself? Do you want me to stop being like this? You never tell me anything about anything, why don’t you tell me? Can’t you say many things to me? Why don’t you tease me randomly throughout the day? When I see everyone else and their loved ones
always playing around with them, talking playfully,
making them angry, and then while making them angry they themselves go and do something sweet
that melts away all the anger, seeing all that
makes me long for you to talk to me that much too, tease me in different ways every day, tell me all your thoughts, scold me thoroughly, then love me again… I long to sit beside you
and surround your whole world!
Why don’t you tease me? Throughout the day,
whenever you find time,
you should ask me endless questions, or tell me
to do things, and I’ll text you
all day long. You know, I’m afraid to
text you all day, what if you get terribly
annoyed, what if you stop
talking altogether after that?
Please tell me a little
what I should do about you, how should I manage!
Tell me, how will I fill your absence? Even talking to anyone else
makes me feel bad and keeps feeling bad. I can sense everything that happens inside me every
moment. These days everyone
keeps pulling me in different directions so much, I can’t understand any of it. What do they want?
Won’t they even let me be alone
with you for a bit? The more I want to
withdraw into myself, the more
I seem to get caught up in new troubles. Golden bird, when will I have you close, when will I be able to rest my head deep in your chest
and hold you tight? Nothing feels good to me anymore. I don’t feel good anywhere else. I only miss you, nothing else matters to me at all. Even if someone gets upset, it doesn’t matter. I thought that on your days off
I’d let you be as you are, wouldn’t bother you at all, that’s why I don’t want to text either, but I don’t always remember this. Just like a
habit, like routine, somehow
my hand goes straight to the phone!
Today, quite suddenly, I feel like looking back at the past. I want to see what my life would have been like if you hadn’t come rushing into it so unexpectedly that day! When a sudden storm had left this life of mine completely in shambles, you appeared from somewhere like a burst of sunlight, filling every corner of my empty world. One thing after another kept happening then! Now I’m terribly curious to know—did you understand how much I needed you even before I realized it myself? Now I’ve learned to understand so much more—that you had brought news of my new life. In those days I would constantly bow my head before the Creator, prostrate before Him. I would earnestly seek His help. I didn’t ask for anything according to my own wishes then, because I myself didn’t know, couldn’t understand what I wanted or what I needed. I only knew that I couldn’t live this way, that living was causing me tremendous pain. I remember clearly, I had said to God then: I know nothing of right and wrong, good and bad, proper and improper; I don’t understand which path would be good for me to walk in my life; I don’t know what to do; which way to go is also unknown; how and where I’ll arrive—I know nothing of that either. O God, show me the way—that path which is best for me, or whatever You think is good, do that for me. I had told myself then that since I couldn’t understand which way to go or what to do, wherever my life would take me, I would walk in that direction on that very path without any judgment or consideration, guided only by the Creator’s signals. But I always kept asking the Creator for help.
After that… no door was open for me except yours, or perhaps there were, but my heart wasn’t drawn in those directions so I didn’t go. You were the conscious decision of both my conscious and unconscious mind. In those days I was searching for something, turning everything upside down, but I myself didn’t know what I was searching for or why I was searching. I only felt that something was missing, and it was while searching for that something that I found you. After finding you, I never experienced that emptiness again. My heart kept telling me over and over—this is the person I was looking for. After you came, whatever else happened in my life, I was never afraid. I always felt somehow that I could bear everything now. However fierce the storms might come, I would be able to stand tall with my head held high. Ever since you came, everything began to change somehow, slowly. So many things about me are really no longer the same as before. When I turn around and look at my former self, I’m amazed to think—this is how I used to be!
I no longer like
the old me. Everything I endured for that entire decade past—I’ve come to despise it all countless times.
Questions rise in my mind: why was I like that?
Why did I silently bear so much?
Why did I needlessly inflict
such suffering on myself? Why
was I so afraid of those people? Sometimes I think,
why didn’t you come just
a little sooner… No, you never taught me the meaning of life by taking my hand and explaining it step by step, yet now after so many years I understand—you were the first to teach me how to walk on this path of life! On this dark, shadowed road of my journey, whenever I’ve been startled by fear, you’ve encouraged me from behind; whenever I’ve fallen,
you’ve taken my hand and pulled me up,
taught me to walk again.
You’ve left me alone, but never abandoned me or let me be truly alone. The empty space where
my parents, relatives, friends, or life partner should have been—you’ve silently filled that void day
after day. How do you bear such weight? Will I ever know
the secret of your strength? Will I ever be able
to touch and see the real you? How do you manage to be so vast? I never had the habit of walking in
darkness before. I never understood that such moments would come in life, that I would shatter this way… instead, half my life
has been spent in the very fear of loss!
From childhood I was afraid—afraid that everyone would leave me behind, and how would I survive alone then? Whatever way anyone told me to live, I lived that way out of that fear. I gave the most importance to those close to me. I clung to relationships, perhaps. When my studies weren’t finished, I had this fear too—if I didn’t follow their words, what if they stopped paying for my education? How would I manage then! I would be trapped forever within the four walls of that kitchen for the rest of my life. When a mountain of hatred slowly builds up against people, nothing comes from the heart for them anymore like it used to. What comes then is entirely from a sense of duty, or because I have to do it—from such feelings. What emerges from such feelings never turns out well; it becomes mediocre at best. The same thing had happened in my case. I grew up among thousands of bizarre rules. I realized I was actually growing up within a limited circle, and those I grew up with had never ventured beyond it either. What more could I expect from them! Of course, in those days I desperately wanted my close ones to at least stand by me—even if they couldn’t do anything else, just give me a little emotional support! What else could I really do? I’m not an angel; I’m just an ordinary person with all my rights and wrongs. But then I didn’t receive even this small thing from them! When I didn’t get it, I became wounded, bloodied. Now when something bizarre happens with them occasionally, they find peace by explaining those things to me, then they reach out for help, and I help them too—it feels very good then. It was from you that I first learned life is truly too short to spend it in regret. There’s a certain peace and comfort in standing by those who weren’t there for me in my times of trouble when they face their own.
After being pushed away from everywhere, I finally found refuge at your door again and again. One of my teachers used to say that when Allah decides to give someone something, He apparently kicks them around a bit first! I was amazed hearing Sir’s words. Now I understand—I actually found you after taking that kick. And I can say without doubt that I’m a million times better now than before. For however long I live in the future, I’ll be well. Whatever happens, at least I won’t have to bow my head to fear and live. Whatever situation I find myself in, I’ll learn to be well. When those old days float before my eyes now, it feels incredibly strange… I think, the two sides of life are truly completely different. That part of life now seems entirely joyless, but I no longer have the regret of not getting those things like before. What’s gone has undoubtedly gone for the good. What I’ve gained is worth millions and billions of times more than the lost treasures or thousands of moments of not having. If I had clung to those things, I wouldn’t have gotten what I have today. I’m alive because I lost those things; I’ve learned to live.
You were completely unknown to me, a stranger—I had no connection with you, not even one that spanned continents, nor did I even know that someone like you existed. Yet today, when I search for faces of love around me, when I keep looking for faces of trust, nothing else meets my eyes but that face of yours! What would have happened if you hadn’t come? I know all of that now—if you hadn’t come, I truly would have drowned in that darkness. When I want to be close to you, I know very well that I don’t have the capacity to bear even a drop of your pain, let alone wipe away your suffering—that’s so far beyond me! Today, when I come to you with my demands for love, I feel terribly ashamed… really, what can I give you in return?
Why shouldn’t I be angry, tell me? You don’t give me any time at all. You call once after a hundred and one days, and even then you don’t talk properly. Don’t I want to talk to you every day? If not every day, then every two or three days, at least once a week I should be able to talk to you! Look, in a relationship where both people are equally important, can anything ever be carried on so one-sidedly? You never do anything on your own. Until I text you, you don’t either. Actually, it’s not your fault—if I’m not on your mind, what can you do? I think I’m the one who’s forcibly holding you back. If love doesn’t pull you, why would you stay? At least I should feel that you’re not doing something reluctantly, under pressure, shouldn’t I? I don’t want you this way. I can love you from afar, I will. When I have to prod and poke to extract love from you, I can’t really claim any rights anymore! And when that place of rights seems to exist, when I do get you sometimes; otherwise how would I understand from my position how much I can demand from you—whether that place is mine or how much of it is mine or whether it exists at all? I truly don’t want such a relationship—I could adjust to everything even if you weren’t here. I can’t just call you whenever I feel like it—you haven’t given me that permission, and if you say call whenever you want, and then if you don’t pick up the phone, what good would such permission be—that would still be forcing, wouldn’t it! And I don’t know when you’re free, when I can call you without any inconvenience, without causing trouble. So what should I do?
Sometimes when
I miss you terribly, when I simply cannot
go on without talking to you, I want to
grab whatever I can find around me
and smash it all to pieces. I know it’s entirely my fault,
that I shouldn’t hope so much or
have such expectations, or that when it comes to
what we call rights, I have no place
in that so-called territory of rights. But what can I do? I can neither hold on nor let go. So why don’t you tell me
how I should live, when I should do what… I’ll
do exactly that. I don’t really want to pester you
with all this every day. I
know you’re busy with so many things,
that you have many worries too.
You have a completely separate life of your own, and certainly there, with your reluctance about me,
I have no place there,
nor should I. I don’t want
to be a source of annoyance
to the one I love. You’re really not obligated to love me
in return for my love, so don’t
stay like this out of compulsion, and if you do stay,
don’t stay like this—
it hurts me. Can this
really be called staying, tell me?
Don’t you eat rice
every day? Don’t you talk daily
with the people in your house, whether nicely or angrily?
Whether willingly or unwillingly, don’t you go to the office every day? Then why am I not in any of this, nowhere am I in any of this! If I too, however small…still, if I’m part of your life, then why such irregularity when it comes to me? Could you spend an entire day
without eating? Could you stay away
from home for a day? I’m not talking about special occasions,
this isn’t about one or two days either,
this is the same story
every single day! I’m not fighting, you judge
for yourself—do you give me
your complete time? I’ve only ever
asked you for yourself, never
wanted anything more than that. And tell me, when my heart doesn’t feel good,
how can I talk nicely with you? Can anything be written while swallowing such pain? Can you be very happy with others when you’re in great distress? Even if you could, for how long? Isn’t it better
to stay quiet? You can’t show anger to the people
you love—if something bad slips out instead of something good in that moment, it’s better to step away
from them a little. If I can’t give anything else, at least let bad behavior
not come even by mistake. And please, if you can’t give even a little more time than before,
if you can’t give even
a bit more love, then whatever else
happens, never say ‘sorry’…what
would I do with that ‘sorry’? I don’t have the strength of heart to accept ‘sorry’
from someone who loves me. And from someone who doesn’t love me, I have no need
to accept ‘sorry’! Mark my words, I’m also saying this:
if I get the chance, if I can make the opportunity, then I’ll steal all of you
and bring you to my
home!