Happy Wedding Anniversary

 Happy anniversary, beloved!
  
 I want to celebrate this day by not celebrating it at all!
  
 I've been speaking of this day over and over for the past few days. I miss this day terribly. Though from one perspective, I should have forgotten this day altogether. So much was lost to me, and so much gained, yet none of it could I show you. And yet almost always I feel like breaking myself apart to tell you everything.
  
 Do you remember this day? I don't know if you do. The day of our wedding was the last time we saw each other! Surely there are very few such extraordinary occurrences in this world. Yes, of course you could say it wasn't a proper wedding! The truest things in this world have never followed rules. Just as wearing vermillion in one's hair-part doesn't make a marriage, so too for many people, even after marrying with all the proper rites, the marriage doesn't actually take place! Here the whole matter is one of feeling, of honor, of respect, of faith.
  
 I've used such weighty words, tears are coming to my eyes. Perhaps three years isn't enough time to say these words, yet without thinking what lies ahead, based on what has been all this time, I've courageously spoken these grand words anyway. Today I live as I choose, tomorrow will be what it will be!
  
 How far we've traveled, how much time has passed, how long I waited! Thinking of all this now fills me with wonder! Such deep wonder! Is this the same me who would bite through a kite string in impatience? Is this that same stubborn me who never cared for any relationship! When thoughts and words didn't align with others, I would simply put a full stop and walk away—is this that same me? Is this the same me who never knew how to trust so deeply?
  
 Today I don't recognize myself. Yet the most joyful thing for me, you could say my greatest delight, is our marriage. That day at our wedding there were only us. We didn't have to lose ourselves in the crowd of family, society, so many customs, pleasing this person, accepting that person's wishes, saris and jewelry, drums and fanfare, friends and relatives. We only wanted to be bound in heart, not in rules! And our wish came true, you see!
 Most likely, our story is known only to us two. I'm not one to get trapped anywhere, and neither are you. Yet look, we're both somehow willingly caught! This seems like magic to me. Otherwise, how is this even possible!
  
 Following all of society's rules and customs, how many can come close yet remain as near in heart as we do? That feeling can triumph over even presence itself—I've seen this little by little and continue to see it. Now I no longer give grand lectures about relationships, love, and affection like I did as a child—I feel too shy. Now I understand these aren't things to lecture about. When I hear those who do lecture, I smile to myself.
  
 How much older I am in years and how much younger in wisdom—had you not come into this life, I might never have understood. This is the one place where I don't want to grow up at all! And I know you don't want to either. The more I think of you, the more I learn to surrender! The one to whom surrender itself is all happiness—that's who I call beloved! This isn't my failure, this is my every victory!
  
 I can't write anything properly, I cried so much while trying to write today. I don't know why I'm crying. I can't understand what to write next either. Nothing I write will convey what I'm actually trying to say! Yet not writing brings no peace either. What a strange feeling! The more I've found you, the less I worry about being understood or not.
  
 I had thought I would wear a sari, bangles, vermillion today. But I couldn't manage it. If I broke down crying while Mother was draping the sari, or if when asking a neighbor for a bit of vermillion she asked, "What will you do with vermillion?" that fear or shame prevented me from doing anything at all. I had thought I would write you a letter. In the end that letter too remained unwritten. What would writing accomplish anyway!
  
 Having found you, I've gained the entire world without even wanting it! Lately even the word "love" seems too small to express love. Before, I had no hesitation in saying "I love you," but after falling in love with you I have to wage a real battle with myself to say "I love you"! What a difficult task this saying "I love you" is! So I don't say it anymore.
  
 Listen, I won't write anymore today. Only three years have passed after all! Better not to say so much so soon. Don't you think so too?