I completed my master's degree last year, and I want to keep my identity completely private. I got into a relationship in 2018 with a batchmate of mine. Let me say upfront that compared to them, our family is quite well-off. A few months after we got together, she started telling me about various family problems, including financial ones. When I entered that relationship, I had only one thing on my mind: if I ever make it big in life, I'll rise together with her. When she began sharing her troubles with me, I started giving her money. Even if it meant not fulfilling my own desires and pleasures, I made sure hers were taken care of.
She would always compare me to other girls. She'd compare me to the good students in class, telling me I should be like them; she even compared me to her ex—I didn't like hearing these things, but she'd say them anyway. Later I found out she apparently flirted with many other girls too. But she was very good at her studies. Both she and I studied law, and her results were much better than mine. Her attitude was always such that I felt like nothing in front of her. She would constantly compare me unfavorably to her ex's quick wit.
As far as I understood, she had her eye on my wealth too. She messaged my best friend in the inbox, commenting on my friend's physical beauty based on photos. Neither my friend nor I liked this. One day I found another girl's photo on her phone, and when she was caught, she lied about it. I always helped her with money, but she behaved as if she was the one helping me financially instead.
I had big dreams of making something of myself. Yet instead of enrolling in coaching myself, I gave her the money; I spent large sums getting her admitted and for many other things. Because of constantly going overboard for her, I drifted away from my studies, while she kept her academics on track. I can't organize all her behaviors and tell you about them right now. Unable to accept her treatment, I broke up with her, but every few months I'd end up reaching out myself. I always suffered because of everything she said, yet she didn't stay in my life. The thought of marrying anyone in life doesn't even occur to me now—I feel somehow lost; meanwhile, my family hopes I'll achieve something great.
I'm dying inside, and I can't find the courage to study and move forward—as if I've been defeated and lost! And look what she's doing—we don't have a relationship now, yet she's got people keeping tabs on me...to get updates on what I'm doing or not doing, whether I'm moving forward or backward.
I want to become a judge or a foreign cadre. One day she left me stranded on the street; that day she had asked me, "What will you become? Won't you be a BCS cadre?" I answered, "No, I won't be a BCS cadre." Hearing this, she left me and walked away, without listening to my complete answer. I would have told her next that I wanted to become a judge. She always undervalued me, so whatever talent I had inside me has also died; now I'm in such a state that I feel I can't become anything at all.
My stubbornness about her kicks in and I decide I'll become both—a foreign cadre and a judge. But I haven't been able to free myself from her words and behavior; I'm still suffering, and without realizing it, I end up texting her. I can't control myself, and it hurts terribly.
One more thing. She wants to come back now, but all her words seem tricky to me. I can confidently say she wants to return because she's greedy for my money. She's texted me repeatedly, wanting me to shake off all this pain from my heart and somehow forgive her. Believe me, forgiveness doesn't come from my heart for her—I've suffered in agony because of her alone. Yet this person has become so embedded in my mind that I can't even think about anyone else! I'll never be able to trust anyone in life again.
Anyway, I have to move forward now. Both goals are driving me. I need to become powerful. But I can't maintain my spirit; I can't erase her memories, the pain she gave me. The person who always thought little of me, who said so many hurtful things thinking I was simple and naive, who undervalued me—for her sake too, I want to prove myself. The day I can, that will be my day. I always wanted her trust, nothing more than that. And she couldn't give me even that.
Let me start from the beginning. My family is middle-class. I have more sisters than brothers. The sisters are older and the brothers younger. Since we have more girls, we also have quite a bit of property. My sisters are studious, good students. So our paternal uncles and aunts didn't like us then, because we were ahead, and they didn't want that. They always wanted to grab our property—there were constant police cases and conflicts. My father has very good knowledge about property and legal matters, so our extended family couldn't avoid us; father maintained all the family's land and property.
What can I say about father! He loves everyone so much, that whatever anyone says, whatever anyone wants to eat...he'd fulfill every wish instantly, as if he were Aladdin's lamp! And mother is, well, a mother! I've always received so much from these two people...still do. They don't forbid anything, even though we're grown up now.
Anyway, I'm very restless, clever, and smart—I lived life carefreely, swaying along. I was so mischievous in childhood, such a troublemaker and rogue that I had a recognized nickname...monkey bones. I was everyone's darling. But when property problems increased, everyone's affection somehow drifted away. I was quite the truant when it came to studies. Those stories would never end.
Gradually I passed childhood and became a teenager. I was in class eight then, made many friends. But I only learned what life's reality is a few months ago. Because in the family where I grew up, I never understood what hardship was or heard harsh words from anyone—I mean, I lived like royalty, what else can I say!
I was actually in a relationship before this too. When I was in class nine, I had a friend among my many friends. I was her senior. We got along really well. I used to pretend to be studious in front of her. We addressed each other informally. But she was even more mischievous than me, with no focus on studies at all. I would advise her to study. There was a kind of emotion between us—when both of us went to school, we'd look for each other. During tiffin break, she'd tell me, "I'm leaving." I'd say, "Where are you going? You better come back to class, or you'll be in trouble!"
We used a different method though—we wrote letters to each other. This was actually my idea. She would write letters, but they'd be full of mistakes. I never told her about the mistakes though, because even in her incorrect writing, I found joy, a kind of happiness.
We both gave each other nicknames. Her family—her two younger brothers and one older brother—knew how much I pushed her to study. Gradually I developed good relationships with them too. Her family members were really nice. They showed me a lot of respect—I mean, those I got acquainted with. I used to contact the younger brother sometimes. We talked a lot on the phone. We had a telephone, and we talked so much that by month's end our bill would rise so high that father started investigating why the bill was increasing so much. Anyway, somehow I survived that ordeal. We'd chat on the phone...like, she enjoyed listening to me sing. I'd sing to her—we only had humorous conversations.
After school there would be football matches. I'd wait to see if her house had a game someday. On days when she had matches, I'd watch with friends even if it meant staying late after school. But she was shy. She couldn't play well because she was embarrassed that I was watching. I'd laugh a lot and think to myself, even if you're shy, I'm going to watch your game today!
During school assembly in the big field, I would seek her out among all those lines, and she would find me too. Since we were seniors, they let us go to class first. I sat in the front bench, but even amid all the bustle, I'd keep watching the door—she would pass by my classroom on her way to hers, and I would see her off, watching from the front door to the back.
Class ten—I was developing some maturity by then, and I thought, what if we could be together for life! So I told her openly: Look, my family puts a lot of pressure on me about studies. If you want us to be together, then you need to study well so my parents will be happy and accept you. One thing was clear to me then—I couldn't marry against my parents' wishes and hurt them. That was all. The question of why I was getting into this relationship never occurred to me! Anyway, I was naive then, you could say! All I had in my head was: I'll love someone deeply, and they'll truly love me back! How such thoughts come to a young mind, I don't know.
When we talked, we said whatever we pleased. We addressed each other informally, but it never felt like we were disrespecting each other or that there was any disrespect between us. We shared everything—our good and bad sides, what was happening at home, wasn't happening—I would pour out all my sorrows and troubles to her. It never crossed my mind that she might hurt me later, and she never did. As I said before, she wasn't studious—studying was torture for her. Even so, I would coax and cajole her to read this and that. Before exams, I'd text her detailed instructions on her phone...bring this, bring that, how to behave during exams, how to answer—I always took care of her. She failed her SSC, and I pushed her hard; with great difficulty, she managed to get through that stage.
When she passed her SSC, I was in intermediate college. That's when a new battle began for me. My uncle, aunt, and cousin put a lot of pressure on my father, creating problems over property. From then on, my life changed dramatically. As we grew older, during college, my mother would constantly lecture me about social dignity and honor. She'd say not to get involved with anyone. If I did, I'd never be able to hold my head high in society again—she'd give examples of various people. Fear took hold of me then, because I was already in a relationship, carrying a huge burden on my head.
I told her then: Look, I got into this relationship without my parents knowing. If you really want to be with me, you have to study well, otherwise it's impossible for us to be together. I kept explaining...but really, what was her age that she could understand my situation? Because girls mature much earlier than boys. I remember I used to pain her by saying: We only have five or six years left, we have to get everything sorted. If you study, even if there's no money, at least seeing your education they might accept you. Please, study well! I put a lot of pressure on her. But studying was the one thing she absolutely hated.
In the end, she failed her HSC. Even after that, hope still worked in me...no, I would make my love triumph. I would force her to study. I pleaded with her so much, but she still didn't take the exam. She'd only failed two subjects; I explained to her, but she just wouldn't take the exam. Instead, she decided she would go abroad.
I told her: Okay, maybe your studies won't work out, fine, I accept that, but you could do something else. I suggested she play cricket—playing and playing, she'd make a name for herself, then I could tell my parents. She said her parents wouldn't let her play cricket. I felt terrible hearing that. Whether to play or not—that was her choice. Who were her parents to refuse! Then I said: Join the army. Even with that, I could convince my parents. Something was working in my young mind—that I couldn't marry by hurting my parents, and those parents who had suffered so much for me, they too had their wishes and unwishes about me.
I told her: Look, if you have any plan, share it with me so I can have some peace of mind about you. I want our relationship to have a name, so we can freely hold each other's hand and be together. She never told me anything, just said: Whatever Allah wills. I'd say: Tell me something, let me have some peace! Anyway, I tried so hard to get her to take the exam—she didn't. She made no plans with me either. She went abroad. I cried terribly then, cried like a madwoman, couldn't believe that she had left.
When I think of all this, tears pour from my eyes.