Listen! Are you there?
From the ID I used to talk to you—
well, mostly it was me doing all the talking—I won’t be able to write to you anymore from there. My boyfriend, whom I
love (as I, he, and everyone knows),
had bound me to a condition
when we first met. “From today, everything of mine is yours—my heart, my mind, my money, my belongings, my thoughts; everything! Just never
ask for my Facebook password.” He could give me everything except his Facebook password. This I could never demand. I never did. But he
asked for mine. When I wasn’t willing to give it, he joked, “Heart or no heart, you’ll have to give me the password.” Why is boys’ love measured by Facebook passwords and girls’ love by hearts? Why don’t these foolish boys understand that hearts must be guarded by hearts alone,
not by Facebook passwords? Whatever the case, all the world’s
unreasonable, pointless demands seemed meaningful before the claims of my love. At least, I could always find some meaning in them. I still
do. Forgetting this, Rudra has blocked you from my Facebook and sits there smugly thinking
he’s accomplished something great by keeping me away
from you!
I thought
I wouldn’t bother you anymore. I’d stay in my own world, you in yours.
Though it’s not as if you’ve shown
much interest in anything of mine anyway. You know what
happened? Ever since he blocked you,
I’ve lost all interest in Facebook. From the time I’ve known you, coming to Facebook has meant coming to your wall.
The thought that I’ll never be able to search for your name from my ID again, that your posts will have to
disappear from my life—these anxieties
have bred some persistent insects in my head. They won’t let me study, won’t let me eat properly, won’t let me sleep. But I have to live. Rudra
wants me to love him. But
to love, one must first live. He doesn’t understand this. Let’s say I created this ID not for you, but to love him better.
I’m not asking you to add me to your friend list, just asking you to
tolerate me a little
like before. I believe that even if you don’t feel
affection for me, you don’t feel
aversion either. Isn’t that something? From that small mercy
I’m requesting—please don’t push me away. If you give me this chance to stay near you, I’ll be tremendously happy. Wouldn’t it make you feel
even a little good to know that someone who loves you
is tremendously happy?
Listen, you…! That’s what I called to say!
Sometimes I feel you’ve come into my life
as a blessing, and sometimes,
your existence in my life
is fiercer than any storm. You are the answer to that prayer I never prayed. I never thought
I would need to.
How much can we really bring to mind or thought? How can one pray for something that exists in none of my past or present
experiences or memories? It comes to mind
all by itself. You probably never even know that I live in this world. There’s no need to know either. We don’t need to know everything. If we knew everything, we’d fall into terrible discomfort.
I don’t know, can’t know,
don’t want to know, don’t even know that knowing is necessary—all these are clever ways to keep life beautiful.
I don’t want you to know me,
to understand me. I’ll just
send you messages, create you again and again in my mind and talk joyfully with you, love you and unlove you, gifting myself
some beautiful moments. Even knowing you’ll never see my messages, I’ve taken responsibility
for keeping myself well. Won’t you reply? That’s fine. I won’t need it. Just read them, and smile to yourself—”Girls can be such fools too!” You can even laugh out loud if you want. No problem at all.
One day we’ll meet. This world is strangely round. Here, meetings happen even when unwanted. I’ll wait. You won’t. Yet one day I’ll come up to you and say, “How are you?” You’ll be startled. Unable to step forward,
unable to step back!
Isn’t it funny? When I can’t sleep,
don’t feel like reading,
don’t feel like eating,
don’t feel like wandering,
don’t feel like telling my boyfriend
‘I love you,’ that’s when I search for your posts and read them again. I always see you as some other forest, getting lost in you as I please
and finding my way back. It feels wonderful. My heart lifts. Write more and more, won’t you? Never do anything, even unconsciously, that would make those who love you feel small before others. When I see you laugh,
see you well, many hearts
lift too. You understand this, don’t you? So stay well, more and more. I’ve wished you well, I do, I will. I know you’re annoyed that you can’t recognize me.
Why must you recognize me? Can’t love be received without recognition? That you don’t recognize me—that’s my peace. You are such a mirror for me that I stay in great tranquility, hiding myself from you. But truly, don’t reply to my messages, okay? If you get annoyed, just say so—I’ll start annoying you even more. Keep getting more and more
annoyed until you reach saturation stage, and you’ll see it doesn’t bother you anymore. And whatever else you do,
please never block me! That would hurt me terribly. There are some people whom it becomes impossible not to love.
Should I make you angry for a bit? No, not today!
Here I am again.
Again! Why do you keep asking yourself ‘who am I, who am I’ over and over? I already told you—
I won’t say. So what if I don’t?
If you don’t know who I am, will seventeen hairs fall from your head? My identity—I’m nobody. Did I forbid you from replying? Don’t reply then. I’ll torment you in my own way. At least let there be someone to torment you! One needs someone to torment in life, after all. I’m your beloved tormentor! Any problem with that? Why do you act this way? You don’t need to be polite with me. I don’t need your replies. Can I make a strange, ridiculous request? Will you add me to your friend list? It would benefit you more. I’ll truly stop tormenting you. No, that’s wrong. I’ll reduce it. Another advantage for me—my messages won’t go tumbling into your ‘Others’ folder anymore.
Just because replying is forbidden, does that mean reading me on time is also forbidden? Are you angry hearing my demands? Go ahead and be angry then! What’s it to me? Just please don’t block me. Even if you do, do it after the 8th of next month. I won’t be able to open another ID to torment you before then—there’s a bit of a problem. What problem? Can’t say. That’s personal.
Am I bothering you terribly? What can I do? I just can’t help myself! How many times does a person fall in love? Once? Twice? Or every single day? If you don’t fall in love every day, that love doesn’t last. I don’t fall in love to keep my love alive in any way. I do endless research, trying to figure out how to escape this enchantment and love I feel for you. I can’t — I just get tangled up in even deeper love. Every morning when I wake up, one face floats before my eyes! You really know how to give a person exquisite pain! I consider you my guru. Guruji, will you give me some advice? What should I do so that the name Anil Oronno doesn’t keep spinning round and round in my head all the time? Or, tell me the name of some medicine that would make your part of my memory vanish forever? You must be scolding me terribly in your mind! Don’t show me even the slightest pull toward you, okay? Even the smallest space for me in your heart could destroy my life. You’re an expert at everything. You write in such a way that one wants to believe it all. Your writing is far more trustworthy than you are. You know that, don’t you? Won’t you let me forget you? You yourself are an entire love! After you get married, I’ll tell your wife everything though! Are you scared? Even if I got the chance to harm you, I would never hurt you. That’s beyond my capability. Even if someone forced a knife into my hand and made me stab your chest, I’d plunge it into my own instead. I know there’s no love for me in your heart. Still, I like to imagine that there is. Yes, I know it’s a lie. But I still like to imagine it. What should I do, tell me? What’s wrong with me if I like to imagine something? I don’t deliberately make myself feel good about things, do I? I’m in a terrible mess over you, sir. When you’re far away I feel restless, when you come close I feel restless too. When you don’t read my messages I think, why aren’t you reading them? Are you okay? When you do read them I think, why did you suddenly read them? What did I do now? You didn’t have to brainwash me like this! And listen, shave that off. You’re turning from a forest into a jungle! Don’t get angry again! If you get angry your left eye will go crooked.
What’s wrong? Why do you keep posting one after another? Is your heart particularly heavy? Or particularly light? Or restless? Or is it complicated? Whatever it is, let us know the reason through your posts. Why aren’t you getting married? Get married, just go ahead and get married! Just try getting married once and see how it feels! If necessary, if you don’t like it, you never have to do it again! I’d love to scold you properly. But what can I do? I have neither the courage nor the right. Tell me, do you get angry that I don’t wish you good morning, good afternoon, good night? Or do you simply not have time to be angry with me? You know, because I think about you constantly, tenderness keeps growing in me, it hurts, it makes me cry. You don’t sense any of this, do you? Can’t telepathy be made to work the way one wants? Or does it just work on its own? Aronyo—this is my most beloved name. There’s no more beautiful name in the world. There’s no more beautiful person in the world than Aronyo either. Tell me, why don’t you miss me? Why don’t you get restless when I delay sending messages? Why don’t you look at your inbox and search for me first? You know, lately I’ve cleared everything from my mind except my studies, but I just can’t clear you out. It would be easier to clear out my studies than to clear you out. You keep destroying my concentration. What should I do, tell me? Why have you entered my head and settled there? Don’t you have a home of your own? You’re constantly buzzing around in my head, giving me bad ideas instead of good ones. Telling me to push the whole world to one side and move toward you instead. You’ll see, one day everything will be right. That day I won’t feel annoyed anymore. I’ll come and stand before you, look peacefully into your eyes. But you won’t even recognize me! What happened? Why did your eyes go wide like that when you heard this? If I meet you, my relationship will break. So there’s nothing to fear, I’ll never come and stand before you. I’ll love you from afar, you’ll never see it, and there’ll be no need to see it either. Seeing your smiling face, I’ll forget my own pain and smile. If remembering me brings you joy, that will be my greatest reward. If it doesn’t happen that way, thinking about it will make me cry, but still I’ll always want what’s best for you. It won’t take you even a moment to forget me—thinking this makes my eyes well up again and again. Though of course I don’t let it sadden me. In life, even tears given by certain people are a blessing.
I saw the picture. Why did you take it looking so angry? Please smile a little! What harm would it do if someone’s day got brighter seeing you smile? Punish me if you must, but don’t stay angry like that. Who will you punish? Give it all to me! Pour out all your anger on me in your mind and fill yourself with peace. I have exams coming up, and I’m so stressed I can barely eat properly. In the midst of all this, I spend hours on your wall. Tell me, does any of this make sense? Give me a good scolding! Aren’t you my teacher? Do you know how terrible it feels for those who love you when you say “no” to them? Command me, and I’ll obey everything. One day I’ll learn to forget you. You’ll see, I’ll manage it perfectly! Sometimes just laugh a little when you read my messages. Even that much would be enough for me! Don’t ever withdraw into yourself. Those who care for you don’t take it lightly. You’re one of my most beloved people, someone I think about when my day begins, passes, and ends. Don’t misunderstand anything I say, not even by mistake. If someone asked you to forgive whoever you’re angry with, who would you forgive? Surely someone who loves you. So please forgive me! If there’s one person left in this world who wishes you well till the very end, it will be me. Let me give you some free advice. Post fewer angry statuses and more peaceful ones. You’ll see—you’ll be at peace, and others will be too. Would you please listen to “Borish dhora-majhe shantir bari” right now? It’s my request.
What a rotten person you are!
Why don’t you sleep? Don’t you have a clock in your room?
No office tomorrow? Have you looked at yourself in the mirror lately, seen what’s become of your face? You never listen to a word I say, do you? Mark my words, one day I really won’t bother you anymore. I’ll run away to some far, far-off place! That day you’ll understand! Sometimes I wonder, if I ever ran into this man somewhere,
what would happen? Would I burst into tears? Or would I faint and collapse? You are a terrifying
person. You can say the most terrifyingly cruel things so easily. I dream that
one day you’ll fall in love with me. That moment will be the finest moment of my life. I’ll keep thinking,
“Oh! If only the clock hand would stop right there! If only time’s journey would pause in this love!” Whether something like that happens or not, whether you fall in love by mistake or because you’re forced to,
you’ll remain forever in a corner of my heart, hidden away, with utmost tenderness and reverence. From there you’ll spread light and I’ll walk forward following that light’s path. That walking itself will be my
life’s worship. I’ll keep praying that the Creator always keeps this man well, keeps him happy. From the day my fascination with you began, from that very day
all fascination with every other man on earth came to an end. I’m not unhappy about that, though. Nothing else needed—this one life can be spent in the blink of an eye just intoxicated by you! You should give up this intoxication, but it can’t be given up, you’re mixed too deeply into my mind. I disturb you terribly, don’t I? I try not to, but if I don’t, I can’t live in peace. There’s danger when I come to you,
danger too when I try to keep myself away. Will you do something? Can you say to yourself a hundred times, “I love Purna”? They say even a lie
becomes truth to oneself if said a hundred times. Try making loving me feel real to you and see how it feels! Have you ever learned from your own life what it feels like to fall in love? I’m getting so angry! Who should this anger be directed at?
I’ll direct it at love itself! Alas!
O sorrow-stirring love! Stay wicked!
Where did you suddenly disappear to? Who are you sulking with by becoming “absent”? Should I file a missing person report? I’m terribly anxious. Defiant, stubborn, shameless anxiety! Disobedient too! Such worry for someone who doesn’t even spare me a thought. Come back! All the Bela Boses, Anuradhas, Bonlatas, Ruby Roys, Ranjanas, Nilanjonas, and Chandonas of the world are waiting for you. Still you won’t come? Have you ever bothered to see how many people your indifference hurts? I saw your last post. You don’t want to gain, don’t want to lose, don’t want to love, don’t even want to hate. What do you want? What have you actually gotten, hmm? You understand your story heroines so well. Do you understand even a little the heroines who love you? Actually, you don’t understand your story heroines either. What lies you make them speak! They suffer terribly in your hands. Poor things! Reading the comments on your posts makes my heart heavy. Why do women carry on about you like that? It’s nothing much, I know. Still! I’m a very ordinary girl. For the man I love, I’m terribly jealous, selfish, quarrelsome. I’m not like that for anyone else, only for him. No one else can say anything to him—only I have that right. I won’t let anyone scold him; if scolding is needed, only I will do it. All anger and resentment toward him—that’s my exclusive domain. I’m a very narrow-minded girl. If you stayed with me, you wouldn’t be happy, you’d always be annoyed. But knowing this, I still wouldn’t let you be with anyone else. I know your mood is souring just reading this. I really am awful. Otherwise, why would I write all this to you knowing you’d be irritated? Fine, I’m bad, you’re good. Happy now? If you’re happy, then come back to us like a good boy! I don’t fall in love with little pitter-patters, so my heart doesn’t break with little ting-tangs either. It gets completely crushed and mangled. Why aren’t you scared reading my words? What’s wrong with being a little scared?
You fool! There’s one thing about you that’s really wonderful. I keep talking away by myself, and you don’t say a thing. You’re safe that way, and so am I. Since you never say anything, you can’t scold me either. From today, you’ve gone from being ‘sir’ to ‘you.’ To mark this occasion, I want to give you a treat. Will you take it? Go on, like a good boy, go to the veranda and look up at the sky. You’ll see a great big gleaming white moon there. That’s for you! Did you take the treat or not? Take it if you want, don’t if you don’t. What’s it to me? Ha! Listen, you rascal, you’re like a beautiful song that touches the heart. Beautiful songs have an extraordinary quality—they can capture time itself. Many, many years from now, when I hear a beautiful song, I’ll remember the story of some sweet old moment in life, the very moment perhaps for which that song had started playing. Whether you stay by my side or not, some trace of you will remain in my mind as witness to those exquisite moments. I’ll keep thanking you for gifting me imagined times more beautiful than dreams. If I ever learn that such beautiful moments will truly come in life someday, I swear, I’ll want to keep living a little longer, even if it means fighting with death itself. I’ll forcibly drag that moment of my last breath further away, further still. My heart says that moment will surely come. Long after, you’ll laugh remembering how some full moon called Purna had foolishly fallen in love with the forest. All your acting is greater than truth to me—oh! This is love! Someday perhaps you’ll love someone intensely, make them your own, be happy, make them happy. You know, everyone knows, I’ve stopped using Facebook. You’re not on my real ID. What would I do staying on there? You’ll never understand how much space Purna has in her heart for Aranya. Aranya will never learn even a drop of Purna’s love. And here lies Purna’s victory!
Let me tell you a story of regret. The most beautiful, uncomplicated relationship I ever had was with Rudra. I never imagined such a storm would strike it. And from my side, no less. I feel like such a deceiver. Why am I doing all this? Why am I leaving that man alone day after day, when his life would be ruined without me? I should be faithful to him, shouldn’t I? I should stay by his side, belong to him completely. I’ve learned to act out love with him quite well, and to lie. I can’t love him the way I used to. Why did this happen to me? Had I caused you some terrible harm? Still, be well. I’m so curious to see your bride. Just go ahead and get married. After marriage, you’ll love only your wife. True, real love. There’s a strange peace in truly loving someone. Then you’ll understand the meaning of life, the colors of life. The word ‘love’ seems so sacred to me. I want to believe in it. But whenever I do believe… some pain is my due. Sometimes I think my meeting you was meant as retribution for all the pain I’ve caused others in life. To fall in love so unexpectedly at this stage of life—can you imagine? Let’s see how much suffering it takes before I can forget you… I had no intention of messaging you. But sometimes madness takes over. I want to believe in my own love against the whole world. You must think, what a foolish girl! Isn’t that right?… Whatever happens, I want you to be well, in whatever way you can be… Just one request—don’t say you love me even in your heart if it’s a lie. By now you must surely understand that I speak very directly. Don’t think I say this to hurt you. That’s just who I am… I don’t have the audacity to diminish you. You are my teacher. You’ll remain in that place of reverence for my entire life. That I fell in love with my teacher—that’s my fault, not yours. Lately I don’t feel like believing that you actually have the patience to read my long messages. It hurts so much. Forgetting you has become my greatest challenge. I’m going through terrible days. You can’t even imagine what’s happening to me! One thing—following your suggestion, I’m reading ‘Sabinoy Nibedon,’ and after finishing this I’ll start ‘Ektu Ushnotar Jonno.’ Tell me, is the protagonist of this story like you? Or are you like him?
Have you ever tried to understand the language of someone’s eyes in this life? I have this overwhelming desire to make you sit in front of me for hours and hours, forcing you to look into my eyes. You know, Oronno, it’s an incredibly painful thing to do—pretending to be okay. Even more painful is pretending to love, day after day! Sometimes I almost convince myself that Oronno has chosen the path of suffering. I have only one prayer—that the Creator doesn’t take you before me. I will give you all my years and die. Don’t hurt yourself, take care of yourself. When you’re well, many others can be well too. All those painful things you’ve been writing lately—they hurt me so much. My chest feels restless, I can’t sleep. Your heart isn’t well, and many people are starting to notice—doesn’t this make you want to hide yourself away? My roommate apa was saying the other day that seeing your pain doesn’t hurt as much as seeing my pain for you does. Your beautiful eyes have been growing cloudy lately. You surely haven’t noticed this! You’re being very, very bad. Why won’t you take care of yourself? How many times do I have to say this? Haven’t you grown up yet? Look, one day I’ll suddenly be ‘gone.’ No matter how much you search, you won’t find me; no matter how much you call, I won’t come. That day you’ll understand. Don’t you believe it? Of course, there hasn’t been anything between us worth believing in anyway. Stay well. Every time I text you, I think I won’t do it again—this is the last time. But I can’t help it. One day I’ll manage it, you’ll see! Just get married already and stop tormenting me! When I see that there’s someone to look after you, I won’t bother you anymore. Tell me, don’t you want me to break up with Rudro? Why don’t you want that? Why can’t you love me in a way that claims me? Why do you force my heart’s demands to fall flat before your logic?
I’m missing you so, so, so much today. You know yourself how bad you are! What would happen if you became good? I tell myself so many lies. I say I’ll forget Oronno, I won’t text him anymore. Nothing ever works. The truth is, I won’t stop bothering you. What’s the point of lying to you? If I lie to myself, at least I can talk to Rudro properly for five minutes—but lying to you won’t accomplish anything. You’re that terrible person who forces others to love you, but won’t let yourself be caught in love’s bonds. You can make others fall in love, but can’t fall in love yourself? What happens if you fall in love? Will your heart burn to ash? Let it! Just fall in love once and see how it feels! In one moment you leave, in one moment you return/ In one moment you’re silent, the next you’re demanding/ In one moment you sleep, in one moment you wake/ In one moment you’re calm, in one moment you rage/ In one moment you push away, then call me close/ In your one moment lie thousands, even lakhs. My favorite song. Listen to it again. Looking at your pictures, I keep thinking you’re my little baby! I wonder, why does my little baby give me so much pain? Go sleep now. Sleep and dream of me, how about that? Tell me, have you ever seen me in your dreams?
Aronyo, are you doing well? With someone else? Or all alone? You keep appearing before me so often, talking endlessly yet so articulately, stirring up love and tenderness. Somehow I find myself wanting to trust you deeply, wanting to believe every word you say. I want to believe that you’ve said these things only to me, not to countless others. I want to believe that playing with hearts isn’t your favorite game. But every time I do believe, you make it clear that it was all a foolish fantasy. You point out my place with brutal precision. It’s not that I don’t understand what’s happening. But I didn’t love you with such calculations in mind. Actually, I didn’t want to love at all. Yet I was compelled to love. Why did this happen? I don’t know. Actually I do know, but I won’t tell!………..Stay well. I won’t bother you anymore. You know what the problem is? Forgetting you seems utterly impossible. But I’m thinking, at least I can pretend to forget. Perhaps by pretending day after day, one day I’ll truly forget. Or maybe I’ll just grow accustomed to the pretense. Living each day in the habit of this performance until one day I meet death—and that would be that! Even in life’s final moment, this crushing weight in my chest won’t remind me constantly like it does now, what a terrible mistake you are in my life! Endless waiting for a call that will never come. Checking messenger every few minutes even knowing no message will arrive. Life becomes so unbearably painful sometimes! One more thing—don’t stay on messenger so late at night. When sleep won’t come, close both your eyes and Facebook, and just lie there. You’ll see, sleep will come. I know you’re probably thinking—girl, are you telling me to sleep early because I don’t reply to your texts? Or what right do you have to lecture me like this? I have no right, I know. But what about you? If you didn’t break the rules, would I have to talk about so many rules in your inbox?
In childhood I didn’t do math problems, let’s say father’s age is x, assuming it like that, let’s say, Arannya loves Purnaa. You there, Mr. Detached Human! Do you enjoy making people cry? Exactly how much crying would satisfy you? Can someone be so indifferent when they love? Can’t even say a simple hi, can you? Long ago I read a book, I’ve forgotten the title. There was a girl in it who could enter people’s brains and see all their thoughts. For quite some time now I’ve been thinking, if only I had such power! I would enter your head. I wouldn’t look at anything else. Just what you think about me, or whether you think about me at all—that’s all I’d want to see. Sometimes I feel I understand you very well, then again I feel I don’t understand you at all. Which is actually true? What does it mean to understand someone? To understand them their way? Or my own way? How much understanding is there if you don’t understand someone their way? I want to understand you your way. Whatever you do with me, please never lie. That you lie—I cannot accept this. Anal Arannya shouldn’t lie. So if you say something happened, even if the whole world says otherwise, I’ll assume it happened. If you say it didn’t happen, then it didn’t. Whatever you say, that’s it. I don’t want anything from you at all. This—that you never give even the slightest reply—I stopped feeling hurt about this ages ago! I don’t want anything, not even love. Whether you’re good or bad, I don’t really care about that either. I love you—this means I love you as you are, I love you even knowing you don’t love me back; however bad or good you might be! So I’m pleading with you, don’t say anything false, okay? I will never come before you with any demands. If fate ever brings me before you someday, don’t worry—even if I learn your dark sides, you’ll never have to feel uncomfortable in front of me. My life has become a mess anyway. I’m freeing you from responsibility for that too—go! Are you happy now? Why don’t you ever say anything? Look, one day I’ll really stop sending messages. That day will hurt terribly. I know magic! Even if you secretly look at my messages without marking them as seen, I can tell! Don’t do that, okay?
This show-off
box! Where did you learn to take selfies with all these poses? Why would girls want to take pictures with you? Don’t they have anything better to do? It burns me up when I see them next to you! From today, you’re banned from taking photos. Never take another picture again. But you won’t scold me at all for saying these things. Instead, you’ll smile that gentle smile of yours. You look so beautiful when you smile. Just thinking that you’re smiling because of something I said—if you only knew how much peace that brings me, you’d smile all day long. Never keep a stern face. It doesn’t suit you at all. I love you so much.
I love you deeply, knowing I’ll never have you. There’s no truer love than this, do you understand, you fool? Sometimes fate seems so cruel to me. Seeing my foolish emotions, even fate laughs mockingly like you do. I’m curious about something—
which day was better for you? The day I knocked on your door?
Or the day you stopped replying to me altogether? When you don’t reply,
just don’t reply at all. If you do,
I’ll get confused. Sometimes talking to yourself is the wisest thing. When you don’t love me,
just don’t love me at all. If you do love me,
I’ll only get myself into trouble. Once you become accustomed to being unloved, it gradually becomes difficult to bear love. Hey! Can’t you tell I’m getting angry? Why won’t you calm my anger, huh? It’s grown dark outside, a heavy rain
is coming. I can’t hold onto this anger. Will you get drenched in the rain with me? Come on! It’s been so long since we got soaked! ………..
Hailstorm. No more getting wet in the rain. The rain came, but you didn’t come.
Sometimes I wonder, you know—what if I could run away with you somewhere! Where there would be no blazing forests, just woodland by my side. Where nothing would have any barriers. Where if people love, they’d control the urge to steal glances with sideways looks, even if just once. Where I could come close whenever I wanted to. Where the forest would love only me, no one else. I could be sunshine, I could be rain, I could be the road—all for you. You haven’t heard the song, have you? Listen to it. You’ll like it. I’m wondering exactly what situation would make me move away from you! I’d climb up a high mountain holding your hand. The moment we reach the peak, you’d push me and send me tumbling down! What? Could you do it?
I’m not asking you to love me—
I’m pleading with you to pull me away
from love. Won’t you grant even this small request? You’re a terrible addiction. All this time I used to wonder how boys could smoke cigarettes even after seeing “Smoking is injurious to health” written right there! Now I understand their pain… The other day I was reading with real concentration, you know? Sometimes I don’t know what happens to me! I don’t understand myself! Like this—I start studying earnestly, I don’t fight with mother, I don’t torment the parrot in its cage on the veranda by tapping on it repeatedly, and so many other things seem to happen inside me! Listen, there’s something. Reading your writing, I’ve gotten the impression that in your life you’ve truly loved three women. One of them must be Shatarupa because I’ve seen your love for her in the flesh of your writing. Another is some friend of yours whom you could never say anything to, she never said anything to you either, but you both loved each other, and later she got married—which fills you with endless foolish regrets. Actually, you couldn’t love her properly! Do you understand, you fool? Where does all that ego come from if you’re truly in love? I couldn’t figure out who the third one is. Well, are my guesses right? You! Sometimes can’t you even send a simple yes/hmm? It would have been great if I could learn this art of detachment from you! Then you wouldn’t be able to take responsibility for making me sad anymore! At least in the middle of the night, people’s hearts should be a little soft! Who says you’re a soft-hearted person! “She who once loved you and forgot / knows how hard it is to forget you.” About me—somehow, long ago, Nazrul had already said it all. I’ve been looking for three books for a long time—Black Ice, Yellow Spring, A Mind Like My Mind—can’t find them. Where can I get them, will you tell me? (If you’re kind enough)… Well, why don’t you think of me? You! Does it hurt you so much to give even a tiny reply to my text? Fine then, just give me your favorite old response “hmm.” Does even writing that make your fingers ache? Does it hurt your ego? Does giving a small reply always waste your time? Or would it be spoiling me? Or is someone else stealing all my replies? Yes, maybe that’s it! Someone could steal my love too. It’s a girl thing! One girl simply can’t tolerate another girl’s love. And what about you? You quietly read the text and give the answer in your mind—but I can’t hear it. To hear mental answers, there needs to be love from both sides. Don’t you understand that it hurts me so much? You don’t understand—if you did, you could never do this. You’ve taken my heart away with you, give it back to me.
How hard it is to live when there’s no mind within the mind! Listen to this! If I suddenly disappear one day, will you remember me at all? Will you never think that there was someone who used to annoy you every day with a pile of texts! Who would sulk and drift away all by herself, then come back again because there was no one to coax her out of her moods. Oh! How does a person survive when there’s no one to mend their broken pride?……..That girl is no more. For some reason, I have a feeling that you’re not well. (I’ll be saved if my hunch is wrong) Take care of yourself. Gradually reduce the extra burdens you’re taking on. Eat properly. Stay very well. TungTang! DingDong! PingPong! (These are Purna’s own language, it’s okay if you don’t understand them.
You silly fool!)