Fulfillment, Not Conclusion/Final Part

Your eyes are achingly beautiful, the way your pupils dance with such mysterious grace. You’ve heard this before, haven’t you? You’ve claimed every part of me! No one else will ever possess me this way. You flow through every corner of my existence. I can’t forget you for even a moment. I can’t focus on any task. I sit for hours with books in my lap, but nothing gets read. Right in the middle of class, thoughts of you suddenly flood in, and I can’t concentrate anymore. When I try to pray, I stumble through every prayer time. I know you’re not in this city, yet whenever I go out, I find myself searching for you. Whenever you come to Dhaka, I spend my entire time in restless agitation, feeling like you might appear before me any second! (Please don’t come to Dhaka anymore!) I stare pointlessly at my phone, imagining it will ring with your call. You’ll say, “Let’s meet.” What would I say then? I keep searching for an answer. When I’m outside, whether a rickshaw or car passes by, I peer at the faces of the passengers, thinking you might cross my path and I won’t even notice. I fall asleep thinking of you, and wake up thinking of you. Your face never leaves my sight. I gaze into your eyes and speak countless words. If you could hear them, I’d be terribly embarrassed! You tell me strange, wonderful stories too. I close my eyes, rest my head on your chest, and listen in silence. For hours, you lose yourself in the scent of my hair, my neck, behind my ears, my eyes. Even in sleep, I catch your scent; when I imagine your touch, I fall apart completely. All day long I check Facebook to see if you’re there, to see what you’re doing! I keep checking Messenger every few minutes. Sometimes I mistake someone else for you and say hello, then blush with embarrassment. Whatever colors you wear in your photos, when I go shopping, I hunt down similar clothes and touch them tenderly. I’ve read all your old writing at least three times. The songs you love have become my favorite songs. I can often feel it—I’m truly going mad! I don’t enjoy talking to anyone anymore, so I don’t. Rudra hasn’t recognized me for days now. You are now the greatest truth in my life. How many times I’ve tried to forget you! I can’t. You come back even stronger. You are now a bigger truth in my world than I am to myself. Whether I exist within myself or not, you always do! Every day I make myself solemn promises with the hardest vows—no more! I’ll forget her. My fingers will never reach the keyboard to type to you again! But after a while, all my resolutions shatter more easily than glass bangles. I fall apart again. I can’t hold onto control over myself anymore. From inside my chest, you call my name. I don’t have the strength to ignore that call. When I see you on Messenger at night, I want to fly like a bird straight to your room, to hold you like a child and sing you gently to sleep. You have to get to the office on time in the morning—if you don’t sleep properly, even with less rest, you still need to reach the office punctually. I want to slip into your dreams.

I want to come and fill you with deep love and tender affection. I won’t let you stay dejected, won’t let you fall ill. These are my wishes. You don’t reply to all those comments, only to some. I can already predict which comment will catch your eye and make you write something! What you’ll write — I can often figure that out too with some thought. The funny thing is, my predictions come true. I can read you like an open Bengali book, Aronyo. No one else can do it like that. Not even your wife. I’ll never marry, never become anyone’s wife. You will, I know. Whoever gets you will never understand even a tenth of what I understand about you. That’s where I win! I’ll keep loving you all my life, and you’ll never know. I’ll secretly cherish you, and you won’t see it. I’ll watch you from the shadows, and you won’t catch me. I’ll keep praying for you in solitude, and no one will ever think of it. You’ll walk the rest of your life’s path with my boundless good wishes, and you won’t even realize it. ………… I get so angry with you! It’s because I love you, that’s why. Maybe you don’t love, but I do! You wretch — you just silently pass by after seeing my long, long texts. When it rains, what happens to a person if they don’t always hold their umbrella toward the rain? Let them get wet — sometimes in the rain! What’s the use of being so selfish in this mortal world? In life, both understanding reality and not understanding it — both are torments.

Why don’t you love me? I can ask this question to my lover Aranya, can’t I? Give me some sign of your moods once in a while! I can make this request to unpredictable Aranya, can’t I? You make so many rules your own way, break so many rules your own way. I don’t buy your busyness! I need my answer, an answer! Do you understand? Start teaching me how to miss you too from now on. I’m tired of missing you all alone! I can’t take it anymore, master! It’s been going on for so long! Reply, practice replying. Why should you? For the same reason that I keep texting you despite swearing I won’t do it again. No reason? If there isn’t one, create one within yourself. If there’s no wall, do people stay in open fields? Don’t they build walls and make homes? I’m thinking, there’s only one evening. Yet your evening is like you, mine is like me. Both are different, yet the same! Isn’t it funny? Stubborn you will never let two evenings become one. Hmph! All these airs! Listen here! When you’re sad, why you’re sad, you have to tell me. When you’re happy why you’re happy, you have to tell me that too. You have to tell me everything. Absolutely everything! Will you remember, goldfish? Why do you reply to all the girls’ texts? Many girls text you just to belittle you in front of others, show your chat history to others, laugh and joke about you. Don’t you think it hurts me? Rudra also opens accounts in the names of two girls and chats with you. You can’t tell, because some of those accounts even have mutual friends. You may be busy, but not all boys are busy. Some have endless leisure time to do pointless things. They spread such talk very quickly. When you refuse someone, they immediately get angry and try to get their girlfriend to trap you. Someone refused you, and in their joy they literally announce it to everyone through loudspeakers! Some boy is jealous of you, and immediately he drops everything else and gets down to harming you. Another boy’s girlfriend is your fan, maybe you don’t even know the girl, but that boy assumes that since his girlfriend thinks about you, that’s your fault, and immediately starts making all sorts of plans to humiliate you! Some people, for no reason at all, having no better option to pass their idle time, circle around you like dogs and stay busy trying to find your flaws. You might say, they’ll never achieve anything in life. You don’t understand, they don’t want to achieve anything in life either! Some people’s lives are spent doing, some people’s lives are spent watching. Those who can do, do; those who can’t, watch, burn with envy, do foolish things and bring themselves down even lower! All their joy lies in that bringing down! You understand so much, but don’t understand these things? Don’t ever do that again! Will you remember? Are you too angry hearing all this? Smile a little! What happens if you smile a little? You look good when you smile! Sometimes I wonder, among all these forms of human beings, which form is true?

I’ve read ‘Shayanayana’! Loved it. I want to call and thank you. Will you answer? I’m reading ‘Shabnam’ now. You know what happens to me these days—even reading something romantic brings tears to my eyes, and when I read anything sad, the tears just keep falling! The slightest thing makes me cry. How cheap my tears have become, tell me! The cheaper one’s tears, the cheaper the person. What should I do? I wasn’t supposed to become like this. Life didn’t have to turn out this way! I was perfectly fine, content with myself, busy with my studies. When everyone would talk about their sorrows, I used to think I had no sorrows, how happy I was! Not just me, even the people around me thought I was very happy. I really was fine. Why did you come? Coming and turning everything upside down! You were in my dreams, in my imagination, even in past lives. How I searched for you! For so long, for so many years. But you didn’t come then! And why would you? Aren’t you a dream prince? Dream princes are supposed to stay in dreams. Don’t you even know that? Why did you cross over from dreams into reality and put me in such trouble? If you had to come, why did you come so close? I could have loved you from afar! I would have thought, yes, this is the one who lives in my dreams. That much would have been good enough! I never asked for anything more, believe me, I don’t ask for it now either. Why must one cry in the pain of losing what can never be had? Can you tell me? It hurts even to think about it. Everything was so well-arranged, now everything has become a mess! All day long, all night long. To me, all colors, all fragrances, all flavors seem the same. What has happened? Does this sound like a madman’s rambling? If you really hear one day that I’ve gone mad, how will you feel then? You know what the biggest problem is? Your face just won’t disappear from before my eyes. When I close my eyes, you’re there, when I open them, you’re there too. You’re in the pages of books, in the melody of songs, in the middle of stories, in the rhythm of poems, in my shadow, outside the window too… everywhere, only you! This world filled with you is older than that ancient banyan tree. I can’t extract myself from its intoxication and enchantment no matter what. I try so hard, believe me! But I can’t. Stay well. You look beautiful when you smile, beautiful when you’re shy, beautiful when you’re mischievous too—I just want to keep looking at you. Just the other day I was thinking, nothing else needed, just gazing at you could make a whole life pass by! Stay very, very, very well. I know you won’t think about it, but my heart wants to say—don’t worry about Purna. You stay well, she’ll find a way to stay well too. Never cry thinking of me, I love you—to make you laugh, not cry. You know, if you got into trouble, I would have dropped everything and come straight to you. I’m telling the truth! Listen, you’re such a good person! Would you ask your God to somehow arrange for us to meet? I’ve asked so many times, but He doesn’t listen to me. I’m very angry with God. Nothing pleases me anymore. I used to be so good before, so very, very good! I feel tenderness for you, it makes me cry. You enter the house of my heart at least a hundred thousand times a day, but do you ever let me enter that house of yours even once? Who am I telling all this to? I have no one. If I had someone, they would have checked on me from time to time! They wouldn’t have forgotten me even by mistake! By calling you ‘you’ instead of the formal ‘you,’ I’ve unilaterally shortened the distance between us. When you address someone the way they should be addressed, when you think of them properly, you don’t suffer needlessly. The path from formal distance to intimacy is like a one-way street—traveling the wrong way is terribly painful! I’ve shortened it, so I’ve shortened it! I won’t increase it again. Let’s see what happens! Are you getting annoyed? Fine! Let there be annoyance, but at least Purna stays in your mind somehow! Will you make time someday to see me in a vast dream? Just once? Please?

You know what I think? A boy’s love and tenderness for a girl awakens at two moments. One. Whenever the girl comes before him. Two. Whenever the girl wants to move away from him. In the time between these two moments, the girl has no existence at all in the boy’s life. What should I do? Why doesn’t love awaken naturally in some people—why must it be coaxed to life? Hey! Why did you put up such an angry cover picture? There are smiling photos from the same place! And don’t get any fatter—if you get fatter, you’ll look awful. Don’t lean over like that when taking photos. Who gave you the brilliant idea to cover your teeth so hideously with the back of your left hand in photo number 23 from yesterday’s album? The photographer? Tell him never to take your picture again. It’s raining. Want to gather mangoes? Will you get soaked with me? While getting drenched, sing that song: “Today, loving in my heart, you came and wrote your name.” What, won’t you do it? Do you know what it feels like to wait? To wait for something that will never come? To fill your mind with thoughts of someone who doesn’t even remember you? Haven’t you seen “Saat Paake Bandha”? Suchitra’s final soliloquy keeps echoing in my head: “How is this bond of waiting any less than the seven-fold binding?” I’ve bound you to myself for life with this bond of waiting. If I call you monkey, rascal, Hanuman, donkey, crazy, goat, duck, chicken, cat, mouse, baby squirrel, fox, bear, mosquito, lizard, spider, and many other awful names, will you get angry? Go ahead and get angry! What do I care? Huh! Eat lots of sour mangoes—they have vitamin C, will improve your memory, you won’t forget people. You can even chew and eat tender mango leaves if you want. I give you my entire morning, my cloudy afternoon, my rain! If I sing Shrikanto with a little change, will he be hurt? Hey! Never really go far away, okay? I don’t understand anything unless you explain it to me. If you ever love someone, don’t love in your mind—say it out loud, “I love you.” I’ve stopped trying to read minds. Everyone whose thoughts I try to read ends up hurting me. So, forget that! Ugh! Mosquitoes are biting! Damn mosquitoes! You understand blood, but not love! Sometimes a person becomes utterly helpless. Why, even they don’t know. Tears flow like monsoon streams. I’m writing to you with blurred eyes from mosquito bites. You won’t understand how cleverly love inflicts limitless pain! Knowing death is certain, a person still takes the poisoned cup and thinks, let me just taste it and see what happens! It would be good if I could fall asleep to forget this pain. Alas! I can’t even do that! I couldn’t believe before that even falling asleep could be such agonizing work. Now I can. Does saying “goodbye” lessen the pain? Or does it keep growing? Well then, goodbye, friend! Stay well. Forget me. I’m leaving. I know you’re wondering now, why am I leaving? I’m leaving because that’s just who I am. Some words cannot be spoken to anyone, some pain cannot be shown to anyone, some complaints cannot be made to anyone—they must just be carried in the chest for life. Some sorrows must be kept hidden because they’re more precious than happiness! What is momentary affection for someone might be life itself for someone else—many don’t understand this. Life’s equation sometimes becomes far too difficult. Here I am, causing pain to so many people, bothering them. Aronno, Rudra, Purna.

And some others too, who have to endure my bad behavior for no reason at all. Tell me, don’t you love me at all? I’m dying to know! When the person you love is beside you, can you still feel pain thinking of someone else? But I am! Does this mean that all these years I haven’t really been loving him? Then what is this relationship, really? How many times have I thought— Forgetting myself/ I will open my heart at your feet/ Holding your feet I will confess openly/ How much I love you in secret, my friend. Who do I really love? No more! Enough! Stay well. And don’t get fat. Take care of yourself. Eat properly. Get married soon, without being too choosy. Whoever loves you will mold themselves to your liking. I’m dying to see your wife. The thought of exactly how much it will hurt to see her makes me shiver with fear, yet still I want to see her. Strange desire, isn’t it? I won’t bother you anymore. Stay very well. Your smile can stop my tears in an instant, can lift my spirits, so stay well, my love.

Nothing. Just like that, and I couldn’t hold myself back anymore. Your words keep hammering away at my mind, cruelly, relentlessly, hammering and hammering, and I’m supposed to just quietly endure it —this quality, I don’t have it. Our relationship is like a short story, the kind that ends but doesn’t really end. Listen, let me tell you something terrible. Of all the relationships I’ve seen of this type, not one of them that keeps almost-ending actually ends—in the end they survive. Whether you want it or not, our relationship will survive. Can you understand how awful that would be for both of us? It would be awful for you because I’m not a good girlfriend at all. Quiet, overly calm. I don’t mix much with people. I don’t have a single male friend on my friend list (except brothers, Rudra, and teachers). Unless absolutely necessary, I don’t talk to any boy. How on earth all this happened between us —thinking about it, I’m amazed myself. A girl like me has no business deceiving her boyfriend so badly. So you won’t be able to stay peacefully talking to me. You won’t have fun either, because I can’t love you the way ten other girls might. …………. I have a slight suspicion you’re putting my texts in spam!………..Let me tell you what would be awful for me if this relationship survives. If I keep thinking about you all day like this, I’ll truly go mad. Often I can’t even sleep at night. And my studies are in shambles. Before meeting you, where I used to study 8-10 hours, now I can’t even manage 2-3 hours. I dropped my master’s to pursue this career-focused education. If this continues, I’ll have nothing to show at home. You can imagine what state I’m in! And another thing —Rudra has done nothing wrong. He’s being punished so much only because he loves me. And he doesn’t know all this. He knows I have some kind of fascination for you, but he doesn’t know about the love part. So he can’t understand why I’m behaving this way, and he can’t accept it either. Tell me, what should I do? Perhaps I’ll never be able to forget you, won’t be able to love anyone else, won’t be able to stay well either. Still, talking to two people this way, thinking about two people, giving two people space in my dreams—none of this suits me. And another thing is, why would you love me—I truly can’t find any logical reason for it. I really do love you, love you so very much. But what should I do, tell me? Even if you are truly serious, neither of us will change our religion. So what do we do, tell me? Stay friends? That might have worked, if certain things hadn’t happened. And relationships just for passing time or having fun—I hate this kind of relationship, truly. I’ve told you everything. Now you provide a solution. Aren’t you my guru?

If I’m not mistaken, your post was the reply. Well, take care… And one more thing, write something every day, even if it’s just one line, so I can tell that you’re okay. Please-please, do this for me. Otherwise I feel so restless. I love you, after all! People say women are mysterious. Those who say that should be introduced to you—then they’d change their tune. You don’t want to hold on tight, but you don’t want to let go either. Is this game of light and shadow always so appealing? ………. I’ve been thinking of asking you two things for a long time, but didn’t because I knew you wouldn’t answer. We won’t talk again after this! So I’ll ask now. Do you still have that headache? The backache? Did you see a doctor? If not, go see one quickly. Don’t neglect yourself. You have to take care of yourself, don’t you? And if you ever get pain again, I’ll take it upon myself to come and break both your head and back. Remember that! Are your parents well? Go visit them once in a while when you have time. You may have many people around you, but they don’t have anyone else. Go, won’t you? I really like your family. I like everyone. Take care, all of you. I’ll have to call your family “your family” for the rest of my life. How difficult it is to go from “yours” to “ours”! Misfortune! Am I talking too much? Are you annoyed? I won’t say any more then! I think about you all day. So many words pile up. Bear with me today. The day I can stop thinking about you like this, I’ll come see you, I’ll touch your feet in greeting. You’ll let me, won’t you? Or won’t you even recognize me, will you forget? Forgetting me isn’t that easy, though! Anyway, do meet someone, I won’t take much of your time. Marry a sweet girl you like, okay? Stay happy and cheerful always, be very well. If we suddenly meet on the street sometime, don’t pretend not to know me. I’ll think about that all day, won’t find an answer, feel sad, and hurt. Just a little smile will do……… I love you ……….. So very much!!!

You wicked thing!

Delete the previous text, it doesn’t look good as the last message. You’re not bad, you’re good. The last words should be “I love you,” shouldn’t they? I love you. Did you delete it? Here, have these mangoes, the last ones. Keep these. Eat them when you’re older and think of me. The mangoes are a bribe for deleting that text. “Bribe” doesn’t sound good. Well then, a reward. Long ago, didn’t you say you’d scold me terribly one day, so much that I’d cry waaa-aaa-aaa? Give me such a scolding! Have you forgotten when you said that? You haven’t forgotten, I know. I understand you very well. You don’t know that. Did you see a doctor? Go to the doctor quickly. Otherwise I’ll punch you and loosen a few teeth! Then you’ll need another doctor. The worst doctors in the world are dentists. When they make you keep your jaw open during treatment, you want to bite the doctor’s hand. I’ve had this desire for a long time—to bite a dentist. I’ll definitely do it one day. Then I’ll call you and tell you about it. Won’t that be fun? Go see a doctor. If you don’t, I’ll bite you too!

Busy forest, rotting forest …………Take my complaints, dear. Why must you always be so busy? You get two days off a week, can’t you rest a little those two days? Just because there’s no wife at home doesn’t mean you can’t spend even one day lounging around? Fine, no wife, but you do have a girlfriend for playing at love, can’t you think of her sometimes? You may not love, but she does! What’s the harm in a little weekend romance? You know what I think— when I drift away, you start to feel bad. When I come close, you don’t feel like talking anymore. Tell me, why don’t you answer my calls? I don’t want to talk either, but sometimes I wonder—if you really love me, then why this reluctance to speak? That you love me, I accept sometimes, because you always say you hate hypocrisy. So I like to assume you don’t practice it either. If you couldn’t stand me, you would have blocked me long ago! But you haven’t! There are some people from whom even tolerance is no less precious than receiving love. Rudra has practically done a research project on you. I don’t think any boy has ever studied you this thoroughly, certainly not your dark sides! I’ve advised him to publish a book about your dark sides at the next book fair. It’ll do well—he’ll make some money, and some people might even chase him for autographs thinking he’s a writer! Listen, whenever anyone asks about me you just heap all my faults on them wholesale, don’t you? You can, I have no problem with that. Even if we both love each other, you know where the difference lies—you dump all responsibility on me and stay fine yourself, while I hide all your faults, becoming quite bad myself in the process. I know reading this will put you in a bad mood. Let it!! I feel like making you angry. Your anger gives me peace. Why should you always be at peace? Let you have a little unrest too. Om unrest om! You know what the worst part of loving you is—this sort of thing happens: “You’ll feel like you’re suffering from an incurable disease, as if for centuries upon centuries/ you’ve been lying in a hospital. The next moment you’ll feel/ in all human history you alone are healthy, others terribly sick.” But the problem is, this time of feeling healthy is very brief. By the way, have you read that poem by Humayun Azad or not? If anyone wants to feel the body of poetry after reading this poem, they must definitely fall in love with you! How perfectly each line matches you! That’s why loving you is so painful—you can give pain so beautifully, neglect so skillfully, pretend to remember while forgetting, dump all tensions on someone else’s head and blissfully wander around feeling the breeze! You know what I think—you’ll never be able to have a truly beautiful love. You won’t fall into the kind of love that has no pain, no unrest, no ‘buts,’ just pure joy. Where you can think of yourself as the happiest person in the world. Where all the world’s happiness can be found in your beloved’s eyes. Where it feels like with them beside you everything else is trivial—not just for a moment, but forever. I pray, fall in love like that with your wife! I may not have received it, but let someone—anyone—have your love! This doesn’t mean I’ve freed her from my jealousy. How can it be that she’ll receive your love while being unable to bear my jealousy? Stay well, O mysterious man!

I can no longer love two people at once. I have to let one of them go. But whom shall I abandon? The one who wants me, or the one I want? I’m selfish, so I decided to choose the first option. I resolved to keep loving the one whose love would bring me nothing but torment. Unrequited love is far better than incomplete love. How peaceful it is to die in a moment of complete, unfinished love rather than live a lifetime in an incomplete, matured one! I’ve stood face to face with myself many times. I’ve asked myself, what does Purna really want? The fulfillment of her love? Or the culmination of it? My heart has repeatedly ruled in favor of fulfillment. What else could I do! I said goodbye to Rudra with a beautiful, sweet smile. He couldn’t even cry because he thought it was one of my games! That I was just teasing him. That any moment now I’d laugh and say, “Why are you so scared, silly boy? I’m here, aren’t I!” But no! Defying even his imagination, I severed all ties with him and walked away. I was breaking his trust with every passing moment. I can’t leave you, after all. What else could I do? So I left him instead! Do you know what’s funny? I don’t even know who I’ve come to after running away from Rudra. To myself? Or in search of some other riddle? Life is so cruel. You can’t escape even by running away! You must think I’m terrible, don’t you? “If now I must curse an enemy / something, I no longer / say let him have leprosy, let him die, / let him die. / Now quite easily I curse / by saying this—let him fall in love.” These lines of Taslima Nasreen aren’t hers, they’re mine, from my life.

Unpleasant, perpetually busy Aranya, I get angry with you once every day. (I know it doesn’t affect you in the slightest.) I think, this is the last time, he doesn’t text anymore, neither will I. (I’m still thinking that!) I never manage to keep the promise I make to myself. The next day I start missing you again. (I once read the meaning of missing somewhere—suffering from a strange you-lessness; I liked that phrase.) Suffering from you-lessness, my heart grows heavy, yet I try to forget. Then at some point, restlessness begins. Then I can’t work, can’t focus on studies, don’t enjoy listening to music, don’t enjoy conversations, don’t enjoy eating, don’t enjoy going out. When the restlessness reaches its peak, I end up texting you. I think, this is the last time! As usual, no reply. That cycle begins again! I’ve named this cycle the vicious circle of love. The punishment of love is that you must go through this vicious circle of loving you. Listen, sparrow, I read the other day that people whose names begin with A have the great talent of saying heart-melting things to their wives. If nothing else, you’ll be happy for this reason alone! You give so many people so many kinds of advice. Give me some advice on how to forget you! Loving you has made me a complete fool! Now my head can think of nothing but ways to love you.

We have a kadam tree at our house. The day I left Rudra in pain and came away, there was only one bud on it. Today I saw that from 1 bud it has become 13, yet you don’t cross my mind even once. How cruel you are! And me too. A cruel woman, beloved of a cruel man! What a perfect match!

You snail-man, you suddenly poke your face out of your shell and then hide again. You have no idea that those brief glances can stir up storms somewhere! Do you enjoy stirring up storms and then hiding your face in your shell to listen to the thunder? Teach me how to be a snail like you! For eternity, we’ll sit face to face, peek out a little, say a few words, then hide again! Then it won’t hurt anymore!

If I’m a weaver bird, then you’re a sparrow! Weaver bird and sparrow! Flutter-flutter! Wouldn’t that be nice?

Sparrow, do you know the sound of your laughter is so beautiful? A little too beautiful! It goes straight into my chest! A sweet ache begins! Tell me, can you explain why your laughter causes me pain? Is this what they mean when they say “happiness struck my heart like pain”? Sparrow, I don’t cross your mind, do I? Sparrow, you’re so mean! I’ll chase you away!

Wretched morning, busy sparrow! All this sun and heat is for you!

Why can’t I stay angry with you? Why does your face look so innocent when I see it? Why can’t I dream without you? Why does my love for you seem greater than the most trusted relationship in the world? Why do my eyes light up when you come to mind? Why do I want to effortlessly forgive all your crimes? Why do I think of you whenever I’m about to eat something? Why do I panic thinking I’ll lose you when I never had you in the first place?

One day, when you have time, give me the answers. I’ll wait.

Dear Mr. Bookman, Have you read Siddhartha Mukherjee’s The Emperor of All Maladies? The translation is out too. You should give it a read—you’ll like it. Long ago I told you to read Oriana Fallaci’s Interview with History. You didn’t read it, did you? Well, if someone asks you about me—whether you know me, whether we talk, all that—what would you say? That this girl keeps bothering me with text after text in my inbox, I don’t reply, but she still texts, calls, going on about love-love?…….. You won’t say that, will you? You could just avoid answering without putting me down! You don’t have to answer everything correctly—sometimes you have to answer wrong or just dodge the question. That’s the rule. Since you never say anything, I can assume you’ll keep your word. Silence is consent, after all. I know you have neither the inclination nor the time to think about me or discuss me with anyone. Still, I thought I’d mention it! And why do you completely vanish sometimes? Are you some sort of air-man? Some people just don’t understand how many people wait for their posts. When they update their status, people see it and understand where they are, how they’re doing, how everything’s going……..there’s no other way to know, is there? That person doesn’t realize that when they’re not on Facebook, Facebook feels meaningless to some people, who check it hundreds of times a day just to see how they’re doing. The person doesn’t understand that unknowingly they mess up someone’s entire day………Oh! One thing. You should add Bangladesh to your profile picture too. You never listen to anything I say. Keep this one request, won’t you? I know it’s an unreasonable demand…..still. I’m not saying it for myself, I’m saying it for you. If you do that, your acceptability will increase a bit more with everyone. Getting a text from someone dear first thing in the morning is one of the most beautiful feelings. Since you won’t text, at least peek into Facebook every day, post something, even if it’s for me! Making my day beautiful won’t hurt you in any way!

I saw your post. So many things matched up with me, I kept getting startled while reading, wanting to think—you wrote this thinking of me! Though I haven’t watched ‘Belaseshe,’ so I can’t tell if that movie influenced your writing. Whatever the case, you understand women very well. That’s good…your wife will be happy. Heartfull of envy and mindful of blessings for her. Speaking of which, I watched your ‘Life is Beautiful’ last night. Extraordinary film! It’s somewhat dimmed the lingering effect of ‘The Pianist’! Thank you. Tell me, if I asked you to select a song to dedicate to me, which would it be? Won’t you choose one? I may not be anyone special to you, but you are so much to me! What? You won’t? Well, I’m not hurt. I’ll dedicate one to myself. “Bondhura nidra nahi ankhipate”—sleepless nights, eyes that won’t close. You listen too, how is it? Not by Krishna Chattopadhyay, but in the voices of Sriradha Bandyopadhyay and Swagatalakshmi Dasgupta. I’m dedicating another song to you. “Eka mor ganer tari”—alone is my boat of songs. Listen to it in Shraboni’s voice. You don’t need to tell me how it felt. I know you’ll like it. You don’t know me, I know you. Isn’t that funny? And don’t think about me, just stay well. Truly, seeing you well keeps me well. Sometimes I like to believe that you love too. The next moment I think, can you hurt someone you love so much? Can you remain so detached even seeing their tears? Can you neglect them so deeply? Can you do things that might shatter them completely if they knew? Can you love many at once? Can you say the same words to two people at the same time? Can you spend time with two people the same way, making your eyes dance identically? Can you answer each of these questions? I won’t compare myself to anyone else’s love in this world, but my God knows I have never loved anyone this way. Never made myself so small before anyone…I get angry at myself. The most amusing thing is, I love someone whose truth I can’t distinguish from deception. Is love like this? All this talk of love is driving me mad, and he has no clue at all! He can’t love, but he can make others fall in love! “Dhang! Lag ja gale, soch na sake, agar tum saath ho, main rahu ya na rahu”—these four songs are for you. And I’ll never text again. (This time for real!) Stay well. And me? I know you don’t even think about it. Still I’ll say it. Someday I’ll truly be well. How long I don’t stay well! Seeing everyone else well makes me want to be well too, like everyone else. Someday I’ll become very busy. I won’t even have time to think of anyone. I too will forget to make time for anyone. I’m going. I love you so, so, so much.

I’d said I wouldn’t text anymore. I can’t keep that promise. I’m not sorry. Because it’s not my fault, it’s yours. You’re the one who wants me to bother you. What did that post even mean? Why so many questions? I’ve never asked you for questions, I’ve always wanted answers. If you can answer, then answer; if you can’t, don’t say anything at all. Nobody’s forcing you to respond! Why answer a question with a question? Answering a question with a question just means dodging the question. Your questions have stirred something inside me again. So here I am, running back to you. What can I do? I’m not you. I am who I am. I keep thinking about your words, and if I can’t figure something out from all that thinking, I can’t sleep. Have you ever been forced to spend sleepless nights, day after day? If you had, not a single good thought about the night would come to mind. Tell me, if you don’t help me, how am I supposed to forget you? If you don’t want me to, forgetting you is completely impossible for me! What? You won’t help me? If you don’t help me, I’ll actually be a little happy deep down! Is that what you want? Want some advice? The day you truly fall in love with someone, so much so that you’ll think of keeping them by your side for life—I mean, when you decide you’ll make her your wife—don’t hide yourself from her, at least. Ego is a terrible thing; it destroys love. Try losing to that one person, at least. There’s a strange happiness in losing that doesn’t exist even in victory. Congratulations in advance on your defeat! Sincerely sorry for giving advice to my teacher as a student. There’s something I’ve been meaning to say for so long… but some hesitation keeps stopping me. In your writing, you’ve said many times that it takes a lifetime to tell someone you truly love that you love them. Your tongue gets paralyzed, but somehow you just can’t say it… Every time I read such things in your writing, I feel deeply insulted. I think you’re saying all that because I keep saying I love you, I love you. I’m really not such a cheap type of girl. If someone other than Aranya… if anyone else could just come forward once, then they’d understand… I’ve loved you from the very first day. Every time I think this, I imagine you scolding me harshly, looking straight into my eyes and saying, “Listen, girl! You can’t love someone from the first day. That’s not love, that’s infatuation. You’re thinking wrong. You don’t love, you just think you love!” Still, I want to trust my own heart. The enchantment of that first day hasn’t faded even a little bit all this time, not for a single moment. Every moment I discover you anew, fall in love again. Then isn’t this love? You tell me! Look, just because I love you… otherwise long ago…! When you love, you have to believe… when you love, you have to go blind… when you love, you have to suffer… when you love, you just have to keep on loving! Damn womankind! We can go without food, but we can’t live without love!

When I see that you have no answer to even a single question of mine, I don’t know why, but I feel so helpless, somehow empty inside, I feel so very small…….Why did Uncle give such a name—Purna—to a girl who must spend her entire life being empty?……..Stay well. Perhaps my many words have caused you pain. If you can, please forgive me. I never said a single word to hurt you……. Sometimes my subconscious mind wonders, oh! if only he could torment me the way I do myself! You could never torment me, nor will you ever be able to. I’m not that fortunate. Let me end with some final words…..Final blessings: May you have the most beautiful love story, may the sweetest girl, the girl with the most beautiful heart become your wife, may you have the most beautiful married life, exactly as you dream it……Always be the best, in every field…..Stay beloved by all, stay surrounded by love……Stay a good person……Stay the prince of dreams…..Be the happiest person……You stay well, however I may be……..For the final word, I don’t feel like saying ‘goodbye,’ I feel like saying ‘I love you’…..I love you!

Your eyes are achingly beautiful, the way your pupils dance with such mysterious grace. You’ve heard this before, haven’t you? You’ve claimed every part of me! No one else will ever possess me this way. You flow through every corner of my existence. I can’t forget you for even a moment. I can’t focus on any task. I sit for hours with books in my lap, but nothing gets read. Right in the middle of class, thoughts of you suddenly flood in, and I can’t concentrate anymore. When I try to pray, I stumble through every prayer time. I know you’re not in this city, yet whenever I go out, I find myself searching for you. Whenever you come to Dhaka, I spend my entire time in restless agitation, feeling like you might appear before me any second! (Please don’t come to Dhaka anymore!) I stare pointlessly at my phone, imagining it will ring with your call. You’ll say, “Let’s meet.” What would I say then? I keep searching for an answer. When I’m outside, whether a rickshaw or car passes by, I peer at the faces of the passengers, thinking you might cross my path and I won’t even notice. I fall asleep thinking of you, and wake up thinking of you. Your face never leaves my sight. I gaze into your eyes and speak countless words. If you could hear them, I’d be terribly embarrassed! You tell me strange, wonderful stories too. I close my eyes, rest my head on your chest, and listen in silence. For hours, you lose yourself in the scent of my hair, my neck, behind my ears, my eyes. Even in sleep, I catch your scent; when I imagine your touch, I fall apart completely. All day long I check Facebook to see if you’re there, to see what you’re doing! I keep checking Messenger every few minutes. Sometimes I mistake someone else for you and say hello, then blush with embarrassment. Whatever colors you wear in your photos, when I go shopping, I hunt down similar clothes and touch them tenderly. I’ve read all your old writing at least three times. The songs you love have become my favorite songs. I can often feel it—I’m truly going mad! I don’t enjoy talking to anyone anymore, so I don’t. Rudra hasn’t recognized me for days now. You are now the greatest truth in my life. How many times I’ve tried to forget you! I can’t. You come back even stronger. You are now a bigger truth in my world than I am to myself. Whether I exist within myself or not, you always do! Every day I make myself solemn promises with the hardest vows—no more! I’ll forget her. My fingers will never reach the keyboard to type to you again! But after a while, all my resolutions shatter more easily than glass bangles. I fall apart again. I can’t hold onto control over myself anymore. From inside my chest, you call my name. I don’t have the strength to ignore that call. When I see you on Messenger at night, I want to fly like a bird straight to your room, to hold you like a child and sing you gently to sleep. You have to get to the office on time in the morning—if you don’t sleep properly, even with less rest, you still need to reach the office punctually. I want to slip into your dreams.

I want to come and fill you with deep love and tender affection. I won’t let you stay dejected, won’t let you fall ill. These are my wishes. You don’t reply to all those comments, only to some. I can already predict which comment will catch your eye and make you write something! What you’ll write — I can often figure that out too with some thought. The funny thing is, my predictions come true. I can read you like an open Bengali book, Aronyo. No one else can do it like that. Not even your wife. I’ll never marry, never become anyone’s wife. You will, I know. Whoever gets you will never understand even a tenth of what I understand about you. That’s where I win! I’ll keep loving you all my life, and you’ll never know. I’ll secretly cherish you, and you won’t see it. I’ll watch you from the shadows, and you won’t catch me. I’ll keep praying for you in solitude, and no one will ever think of it. You’ll walk the rest of your life’s path with my boundless good wishes, and you won’t even realize it. ………… I get so angry with you! It’s because I love you, that’s why. Maybe you don’t love, but I do! You wretch — you just silently pass by after seeing my long, long texts. When it rains, what happens to a person if they don’t always hold their umbrella toward the rain? Let them get wet — sometimes in the rain! What’s the use of being so selfish in this mortal world? In life, both understanding reality and not understanding it — both are torments.

Why don’t you love me? I can ask this question to my lover Aranya, can’t I? Give me some sign of your moods once in a while! I can make this request to unpredictable Aranya, can’t I? You make so many rules your own way, break so many rules your own way. I don’t buy your busyness! I need my answer, an answer! Do you understand? Start teaching me how to miss you too from now on. I’m tired of missing you all alone! I can’t take it anymore, master! It’s been going on for so long! Reply, practice replying. Why should you? For the same reason that I keep texting you despite swearing I won’t do it again. No reason? If there isn’t one, create one within yourself. If there’s no wall, do people stay in open fields? Don’t they build walls and make homes? I’m thinking, there’s only one evening. Yet your evening is like you, mine is like me. Both are different, yet the same! Isn’t it funny? Stubborn you will never let two evenings become one. Hmph! All these airs! Listen here! When you’re sad, why you’re sad, you have to tell me. When you’re happy why you’re happy, you have to tell me that too. You have to tell me everything. Absolutely everything! Will you remember, goldfish? Why do you reply to all the girls’ texts? Many girls text you just to belittle you in front of others, show your chat history to others, laugh and joke about you. Don’t you think it hurts me? Rudra also opens accounts in the names of two girls and chats with you. You can’t tell, because some of those accounts even have mutual friends. You may be busy, but not all boys are busy. Some have endless leisure time to do pointless things. They spread such talk very quickly. When you refuse someone, they immediately get angry and try to get their girlfriend to trap you. Someone refused you, and in their joy they literally announce it to everyone through loudspeakers! Some boy is jealous of you, and immediately he drops everything else and gets down to harming you. Another boy’s girlfriend is your fan, maybe you don’t even know the girl, but that boy assumes that since his girlfriend thinks about you, that’s your fault, and immediately starts making all sorts of plans to humiliate you! Some people, for no reason at all, having no better option to pass their idle time, circle around you like dogs and stay busy trying to find your flaws. You might say, they’ll never achieve anything in life. You don’t understand, they don’t want to achieve anything in life either! Some people’s lives are spent doing, some people’s lives are spent watching. Those who can do, do; those who can’t, watch, burn with envy, do foolish things and bring themselves down even lower! All their joy lies in that bringing down! You understand so much, but don’t understand these things? Don’t ever do that again! Will you remember? Are you too angry hearing all this? Smile a little! What happens if you smile a little? You look good when you smile! Sometimes I wonder, among all these forms of human beings, which form is true?

I’ve read ‘Shayanayana’! Loved it. I want to call and thank you. Will you answer? I’m reading ‘Shabnam’ now. You know what happens to me these days—even reading something romantic brings tears to my eyes, and when I read anything sad, the tears just keep falling! The slightest thing makes me cry. How cheap my tears have become, tell me! The cheaper one’s tears, the cheaper the person. What should I do? I wasn’t supposed to become like this. Life didn’t have to turn out this way! I was perfectly fine, content with myself, busy with my studies. When everyone would talk about their sorrows, I used to think I had no sorrows, how happy I was! Not just me, even the people around me thought I was very happy. I really was fine. Why did you come? Coming and turning everything upside down! You were in my dreams, in my imagination, even in past lives. How I searched for you! For so long, for so many years. But you didn’t come then! And why would you? Aren’t you a dream prince? Dream princes are supposed to stay in dreams. Don’t you even know that? Why did you cross over from dreams into reality and put me in such trouble? If you had to come, why did you come so close? I could have loved you from afar! I would have thought, yes, this is the one who lives in my dreams. That much would have been good enough! I never asked for anything more, believe me, I don’t ask for it now either. Why must one cry in the pain of losing what can never be had? Can you tell me? It hurts even to think about it. Everything was so well-arranged, now everything has become a mess! All day long, all night long. To me, all colors, all fragrances, all flavors seem the same. What has happened? Does this sound like a madman’s rambling? If you really hear one day that I’ve gone mad, how will you feel then? You know what the biggest problem is? Your face just won’t disappear from before my eyes. When I close my eyes, you’re there, when I open them, you’re there too. You’re in the pages of books, in the melody of songs, in the middle of stories, in the rhythm of poems, in my shadow, outside the window too… everywhere, only you! This world filled with you is older than that ancient banyan tree. I can’t extract myself from its intoxication and enchantment no matter what. I try so hard, believe me! But I can’t. Stay well. You look beautiful when you smile, beautiful when you’re shy, beautiful when you’re mischievous too—I just want to keep looking at you. Just the other day I was thinking, nothing else needed, just gazing at you could make a whole life pass by! Stay very, very, very well. I know you won’t think about it, but my heart wants to say—don’t worry about Purna. You stay well, she’ll find a way to stay well too. Never cry thinking of me, I love you—to make you laugh, not cry. You know, if you got into trouble, I would have dropped everything and come straight to you. I’m telling the truth! Listen, you’re such a good person! Would you ask your God to somehow arrange for us to meet? I’ve asked so many times, but He doesn’t listen to me. I’m very angry with God. Nothing pleases me anymore. I used to be so good before, so very, very good! I feel tenderness for you, it makes me cry. You enter the house of my heart at least a hundred thousand times a day, but do you ever let me enter that house of yours even once? Who am I telling all this to? I have no one. If I had someone, they would have checked on me from time to time! They wouldn’t have forgotten me even by mistake! By calling you ‘you’ instead of the formal ‘you,’ I’ve unilaterally shortened the distance between us. When you address someone the way they should be addressed, when you think of them properly, you don’t suffer needlessly. The path from formal distance to intimacy is like a one-way street—traveling the wrong way is terribly painful! I’ve shortened it, so I’ve shortened it! I won’t increase it again. Let’s see what happens! Are you getting annoyed? Fine! Let there be annoyance, but at least Purna stays in your mind somehow! Will you make time someday to see me in a vast dream? Just once? Please?

You know what I think? A boy’s love and tenderness for a girl awakens at two moments. One. Whenever the girl comes before him. Two. Whenever the girl wants to move away from him. In the time between these two moments, the girl has no existence at all in the boy’s life. What should I do? Why doesn’t love awaken naturally in some people—why must it be coaxed to life? Hey! Why did you put up such an angry cover picture? There are smiling photos from the same place! And don’t get any fatter—if you get fatter, you’ll look awful. Don’t lean over like that when taking photos. Who gave you the brilliant idea to cover your teeth so hideously with the back of your left hand in photo number 23 from yesterday’s album? The photographer? Tell him never to take your picture again. It’s raining. Want to gather mangoes? Will you get soaked with me? While getting drenched, sing that song: “Today, loving in my heart, you came and wrote your name.” What, won’t you do it? Do you know what it feels like to wait? To wait for something that will never come? To fill your mind with thoughts of someone who doesn’t even remember you? Haven’t you seen “Saat Paake Bandha”? Suchitra’s final soliloquy keeps echoing in my head: “How is this bond of waiting any less than the seven-fold binding?” I’ve bound you to myself for life with this bond of waiting. If I call you monkey, rascal, Hanuman, donkey, crazy, goat, duck, chicken, cat, mouse, baby squirrel, fox, bear, mosquito, lizard, spider, and many other awful names, will you get angry? Go ahead and get angry! What do I care? Huh! Eat lots of sour mangoes—they have vitamin C, will improve your memory, you won’t forget people. You can even chew and eat tender mango leaves if you want. I give you my entire morning, my cloudy afternoon, my rain! If I sing Shrikanto with a little change, will he be hurt? Hey! Never really go far away, okay? I don’t understand anything unless you explain it to me. If you ever love someone, don’t love in your mind—say it out loud, “I love you.” I’ve stopped trying to read minds. Everyone whose thoughts I try to read ends up hurting me. So, forget that! Ugh! Mosquitoes are biting! Damn mosquitoes! You understand blood, but not love! Sometimes a person becomes utterly helpless. Why, even they don’t know. Tears flow like monsoon streams. I’m writing to you with blurred eyes from mosquito bites. You won’t understand how cleverly love inflicts limitless pain! Knowing death is certain, a person still takes the poisoned cup and thinks, let me just taste it and see what happens! It would be good if I could fall asleep to forget this pain. Alas! I can’t even do that! I couldn’t believe before that even falling asleep could be such agonizing work. Now I can. Does saying “goodbye” lessen the pain? Or does it keep growing? Well then, goodbye, friend! Stay well. Forget me. I’m leaving. I know you’re wondering now, why am I leaving? I’m leaving because that’s just who I am. Some words cannot be spoken to anyone, some pain cannot be shown to anyone, some complaints cannot be made to anyone—they must just be carried in the chest for life. Some sorrows must be kept hidden because they’re more precious than happiness! What is momentary affection for someone might be life itself for someone else—many don’t understand this. Life’s equation sometimes becomes far too difficult. Here I am, causing pain to so many people, bothering them. Aronno, Rudra, Purna.

And some others too, who have to endure my bad behavior for no reason at all. Tell me, don’t you love me at all? I’m dying to know! When the person you love is beside you, can you still feel pain thinking of someone else? But I am! Does this mean that all these years I haven’t really been loving him? Then what is this relationship, really? How many times have I thought— Forgetting myself/ I will open my heart at your feet/ Holding your feet I will confess openly/ How much I love you in secret, my friend. Who do I really love? No more! Enough! Stay well. And don’t get fat. Take care of yourself. Eat properly. Get married soon, without being too choosy. Whoever loves you will mold themselves to your liking. I’m dying to see your wife. The thought of exactly how much it will hurt to see her makes me shiver with fear, yet still I want to see her. Strange desire, isn’t it? I won’t bother you anymore. Stay very well. Your smile can stop my tears in an instant, can lift my spirits, so stay well, my love.

Nothing. Just like that, and I couldn’t hold myself back anymore. Your words keep hammering away at my mind, cruelly, relentlessly, hammering and hammering, and I’m supposed to just quietly endure it —this quality, I don’t have it. Our relationship is like a short story, the kind that ends but doesn’t really end. Listen, let me tell you something terrible. Of all the relationships I’ve seen of this type, not one of them that keeps almost-ending actually ends—in the end they survive. Whether you want it or not, our relationship will survive. Can you understand how awful that would be for both of us? It would be awful for you because I’m not a good girlfriend at all. Quiet, overly calm. I don’t mix much with people. I don’t have a single male friend on my friend list (except brothers, Rudra, and teachers). Unless absolutely necessary, I don’t talk to any boy. How on earth all this happened between us —thinking about it, I’m amazed myself. A girl like me has no business deceiving her boyfriend so badly. So you won’t be able to stay peacefully talking to me. You won’t have fun either, because I can’t love you the way ten other girls might. …………. I have a slight suspicion you’re putting my texts in spam!………..Let me tell you what would be awful for me if this relationship survives. If I keep thinking about you all day like this, I’ll truly go mad. Often I can’t even sleep at night. And my studies are in shambles. Before meeting you, where I used to study 8-10 hours, now I can’t even manage 2-3 hours. I dropped my master’s to pursue this career-focused education. If this continues, I’ll have nothing to show at home. You can imagine what state I’m in! And another thing —Rudra has done nothing wrong. He’s being punished so much only because he loves me. And he doesn’t know all this. He knows I have some kind of fascination for you, but he doesn’t know about the love part. So he can’t understand why I’m behaving this way, and he can’t accept it either. Tell me, what should I do? Perhaps I’ll never be able to forget you, won’t be able to love anyone else, won’t be able to stay well either. Still, talking to two people this way, thinking about two people, giving two people space in my dreams—none of this suits me. And another thing is, why would you love me—I truly can’t find any logical reason for it. I really do love you, love you so very much. But what should I do, tell me? Even if you are truly serious, neither of us will change our religion. So what do we do, tell me? Stay friends? That might have worked, if certain things hadn’t happened. And relationships just for passing time or having fun—I hate this kind of relationship, truly. I’ve told you everything. Now you provide a solution. Aren’t you my guru?

If I’m not mistaken, your post was the reply. Well, take care… And one more thing, write something every day, even if it’s just one line, so I can tell that you’re okay. Please-please, do this for me. Otherwise I feel so restless. I love you, after all! People say women are mysterious. Those who say that should be introduced to you—then they’d change their tune. You don’t want to hold on tight, but you don’t want to let go either. Is this game of light and shadow always so appealing? ………. I’ve been thinking of asking you two things for a long time, but didn’t because I knew you wouldn’t answer. We won’t talk again after this! So I’ll ask now. Do you still have that headache? The backache? Did you see a doctor? If not, go see one quickly. Don’t neglect yourself. You have to take care of yourself, don’t you? And if you ever get pain again, I’ll take it upon myself to come and break both your head and back. Remember that! Are your parents well? Go visit them once in a while when you have time. You may have many people around you, but they don’t have anyone else. Go, won’t you? I really like your family. I like everyone. Take care, all of you. I’ll have to call your family “your family” for the rest of my life. How difficult it is to go from “yours” to “ours”! Misfortune! Am I talking too much? Are you annoyed? I won’t say any more then! I think about you all day. So many words pile up. Bear with me today. The day I can stop thinking about you like this, I’ll come see you, I’ll touch your feet in greeting. You’ll let me, won’t you? Or won’t you even recognize me, will you forget? Forgetting me isn’t that easy, though! Anyway, do meet someone, I won’t take much of your time. Marry a sweet girl you like, okay? Stay happy and cheerful always, be very well. If we suddenly meet on the street sometime, don’t pretend not to know me. I’ll think about that all day, won’t find an answer, feel sad, and hurt. Just a little smile will do……… I love you ……….. So very much!!!

You wicked thing!

Delete the previous text, it doesn’t look good as the last message. You’re not bad, you’re good. The last words should be “I love you,” shouldn’t they? I love you. Did you delete it? Here, have these mangoes, the last ones. Keep these. Eat them when you’re older and think of me. The mangoes are a bribe for deleting that text. “Bribe” doesn’t sound good. Well then, a reward. Long ago, didn’t you say you’d scold me terribly one day, so much that I’d cry waaa-aaa-aaa? Give me such a scolding! Have you forgotten when you said that? You haven’t forgotten, I know. I understand you very well. You don’t know that. Did you see a doctor? Go to the doctor quickly. Otherwise I’ll punch you and loosen a few teeth! Then you’ll need another doctor. The worst doctors in the world are dentists. When they make you keep your jaw open during treatment, you want to bite the doctor’s hand. I’ve had this desire for a long time—to bite a dentist. I’ll definitely do it one day. Then I’ll call you and tell you about it. Won’t that be fun? Go see a doctor. If you don’t, I’ll bite you too!

Busy forest, rotting forest …………Take my complaints, dear. Why must you always be so busy? You get two days off a week, can’t you rest a little those two days? Just because there’s no wife at home doesn’t mean you can’t spend even one day lounging around? Fine, no wife, but you do have a girlfriend for playing at love, can’t you think of her sometimes? You may not love, but she does! What’s the harm in a little weekend romance? You know what I think— when I drift away, you start to feel bad. When I come close, you don’t feel like talking anymore. Tell me, why don’t you answer my calls? I don’t want to talk either, but sometimes I wonder—if you really love me, then why this reluctance to speak? That you love me, I accept sometimes, because you always say you hate hypocrisy. So I like to assume you don’t practice it either. If you couldn’t stand me, you would have blocked me long ago! But you haven’t! There are some people from whom even tolerance is no less precious than receiving love. Rudra has practically done a research project on you. I don’t think any boy has ever studied you this thoroughly, certainly not your dark sides! I’ve advised him to publish a book about your dark sides at the next book fair. It’ll do well—he’ll make some money, and some people might even chase him for autographs thinking he’s a writer! Listen, whenever anyone asks about me you just heap all my faults on them wholesale, don’t you? You can, I have no problem with that. Even if we both love each other, you know where the difference lies—you dump all responsibility on me and stay fine yourself, while I hide all your faults, becoming quite bad myself in the process. I know reading this will put you in a bad mood. Let it!! I feel like making you angry. Your anger gives me peace. Why should you always be at peace? Let you have a little unrest too. Om unrest om! You know what the worst part of loving you is—this sort of thing happens: “You’ll feel like you’re suffering from an incurable disease, as if for centuries upon centuries/ you’ve been lying in a hospital. The next moment you’ll feel/ in all human history you alone are healthy, others terribly sick.” But the problem is, this time of feeling healthy is very brief. By the way, have you read that poem by Humayun Azad or not? If anyone wants to feel the body of poetry after reading this poem, they must definitely fall in love with you! How perfectly each line matches you! That’s why loving you is so painful—you can give pain so beautifully, neglect so skillfully, pretend to remember while forgetting, dump all tensions on someone else’s head and blissfully wander around feeling the breeze! You know what I think—you’ll never be able to have a truly beautiful love. You won’t fall into the kind of love that has no pain, no unrest, no ‘buts,’ just pure joy. Where you can think of yourself as the happiest person in the world. Where all the world’s happiness can be found in your beloved’s eyes. Where it feels like with them beside you everything else is trivial—not just for a moment, but forever. I pray, fall in love like that with your wife! I may not have received it, but let someone—anyone—have your love! This doesn’t mean I’ve freed her from my jealousy. How can it be that she’ll receive your love while being unable to bear my jealousy? Stay well, O mysterious man!

I can no longer love two people at once. I have to let one of them go. But whom shall I abandon? The one who wants me, or the one I want? I’m selfish, so I decided to choose the first option. I resolved to keep loving the one whose love would bring me nothing but torment. Unrequited love is far better than incomplete love. How peaceful it is to die in a moment of complete, unfinished love rather than live a lifetime in an incomplete, matured one! I’ve stood face to face with myself many times. I’ve asked myself, what does Purna really want? The fulfillment of her love? Or the culmination of it? My heart has repeatedly ruled in favor of fulfillment. What else could I do! I said goodbye to Rudra with a beautiful, sweet smile. He couldn’t even cry because he thought it was one of my games! That I was just teasing him. That any moment now I’d laugh and say, “Why are you so scared, silly boy? I’m here, aren’t I!” But no! Defying even his imagination, I severed all ties with him and walked away. I was breaking his trust with every passing moment. I can’t leave you, after all. What else could I do? So I left him instead! Do you know what’s funny? I don’t even know who I’ve come to after running away from Rudra. To myself? Or in search of some other riddle? Life is so cruel. You can’t escape even by running away! You must think I’m terrible, don’t you? “If now I must curse an enemy / something, I no longer / say let him have leprosy, let him die, / let him die. / Now quite easily I curse / by saying this—let him fall in love.” These lines of Taslima Nasreen aren’t hers, they’re mine, from my life.

Unpleasant, perpetually busy Aranya, I get angry with you once every day. (I know it doesn’t affect you in the slightest.) I think, this is the last time, he doesn’t text anymore, neither will I. (I’m still thinking that!) I never manage to keep the promise I make to myself. The next day I start missing you again. (I once read the meaning of missing somewhere—suffering from a strange you-lessness; I liked that phrase.) Suffering from you-lessness, my heart grows heavy, yet I try to forget. Then at some point, restlessness begins. Then I can’t work, can’t focus on studies, don’t enjoy listening to music, don’t enjoy conversations, don’t enjoy eating, don’t enjoy going out. When the restlessness reaches its peak, I end up texting you. I think, this is the last time! As usual, no reply. That cycle begins again! I’ve named this cycle the vicious circle of love. The punishment of love is that you must go through this vicious circle of loving you. Listen, sparrow, I read the other day that people whose names begin with A have the great talent of saying heart-melting things to their wives. If nothing else, you’ll be happy for this reason alone! You give so many people so many kinds of advice. Give me some advice on how to forget you! Loving you has made me a complete fool! Now my head can think of nothing but ways to love you.

We have a kadam tree at our house. The day I left Rudra in pain and came away, there was only one bud on it. Today I saw that from 1 bud it has become 13, yet you don’t cross my mind even once. How cruel you are! And me too. A cruel woman, beloved of a cruel man! What a perfect match!

You snail-man, you suddenly poke your face out of your shell and then hide again. You have no idea that those brief glances can stir up storms somewhere! Do you enjoy stirring up storms and then hiding your face in your shell to listen to the thunder? Teach me how to be a snail like you! For eternity, we’ll sit face to face, peek out a little, say a few words, then hide again! Then it won’t hurt anymore!

If I’m a weaver bird, then you’re a sparrow! Weaver bird and sparrow! Flutter-flutter! Wouldn’t that be nice?

Sparrow, do you know the sound of your laughter is so beautiful? A little too beautiful! It goes straight into my chest! A sweet ache begins! Tell me, can you explain why your laughter causes me pain? Is this what they mean when they say “happiness struck my heart like pain”? Sparrow, I don’t cross your mind, do I? Sparrow, you’re so mean! I’ll chase you away!

Wretched morning, busy sparrow! All this sun and heat is for you!

Why can’t I stay angry with you? Why does your face look so innocent when I see it? Why can’t I dream without you? Why does my love for you seem greater than the most trusted relationship in the world? Why do my eyes light up when you come to mind? Why do I want to effortlessly forgive all your crimes? Why do I think of you whenever I’m about to eat something? Why do I panic thinking I’ll lose you when I never had you in the first place?

One day, when you have time, give me the answers. I’ll wait.