First Blow

Nothing I do feels good anymore,
I can neither do more nor less than what I'm doing.
Everything seems merely necessary now!
I don't know why such strange perceptions arise.

Somewhere... I don't know, something has deeply hurt,
What it is, I don't know myself.
I don't know, something has caused me tremendous pain!
I can neither understand it, nor divert myself from it!
I'm going through some helpless state!

Once again I feel shattered from within!
Everything may be running much better than before,
but nothing feels right,—
just as it never really was right before!
That emotional place has been struck... struck so very hard!

Everything feels fake now!
I know nothing!
No one is to blame!
I'm not telling anyone anything!
The problem is mine, so the suffering is mine alone.

I must write—I never had to think this before,
because I simply never wrote.
And now something somewhere seems missing!
Why do I keep writing letters to someone
who doesn't read a single letter of mine?
Who am I really writing to? That person? Or myself?

No, I'm not saying this to be dramatic or get attention or create trouble again.
I've been thinking of saying this for a long time.
But I can't understand anything myself, so what can I explain to whom!
I truly don't know what's happened to me!
It feels like the feeling of writing or speaking to someone with love
has been completely crushed and twisted by some tremendous blow.
Everything now feels too distant or mere formality!

I know nothing at all! Can't understand what's happening to me!
From any matter of my love, to this day
I've never been able to handle any of the first blows.
Whether it's the people I love or music or dance or writing or recitation or studies or drawing or matters of my love!
—I just can't handle that first blow from any of them!