Dear Piku Piku,
My capacity for wonder and my capacity for enchantment—both are terribly limited; you could say they're practically zero. In my entire life, I've only truly liked one person, but even that person could never discover the madwoman inside me; could never awaken my wild, untamed feelings. So I never went searching for anyone else again. Never thought of anyone that way, or let anyone enter my thoughts...
I used to enjoy reading your writing, even before we'd met. Reading your work, I came to like you as a good writer, as a person with a good heart—the way I like Samaresh Majumdar. Nothing more than that.
The day we first chatted online, I was happy, but there was no unusual excitement. Then for almost a month, we didn't speak at all. When we talked again after that month, I realized I was perhaps a little too happy.
The day we first spoke on the phone, I was quite angry—at you asking about my boyfriend, telling me about your ex, suddenly speaking to me romantically... because I wasn't prepared for any of that, let alone accustomed to it. A strange mix of shame, fear, anger, and some pleasant feelings all seized me at once. I felt utterly ridiculous!
Eventually I grew comfortable talking with you, but I never let my feelings grow—I kept myself rigid. I have this terrible habit of punishing my own emotions.
The day we first met in person, believe me, I wasn't excited at all. Meeting a stranger should have stirred some excitement. It didn't even feel like I was meeting someone unfamiliar, or someone many people would consider desirable... ha ha ha...
When I sat beside you in that auto-rickshaw, I felt something pleasant, and when you touched my head, that felt good too—as if I'd been wanting you to touch me, just a little! When you sat in front of me, I didn't look into your eyes while talking, because I rarely make eye contact with people; that space makes one vulnerable.
When you took my hand and pulled me onto your lap and kissed me, I was still terribly stiff. When you held me close and lay on top of me, kissing me, I felt incredibly sleepy! Can you believe it?
Do you know when people feel sleepy? When they feel completely relaxed. Sleep can come from tiredness too, but that's different. Why I felt so relaxed, I don't know. Before I could even understand what had happened the first time, we came together again during that tumultuous period.
After that, I began to give my feelings toward you some courage—not much, just little bits of indulgence. That little creature born in my mind learned to toddle, that indulgence-bug I used to tell you about. From then on, I only felt hurt by you. When hurt is born in a relationship, it means love is born. Where there's love, there will always be hurt. Someone who can't bear hurt simply doesn't know how to love.
I deliberately wouldn't call you; I'd wait to see if you'd call, if you thought of me the way I thought of you. When you didn't call, it hurt, but I still wouldn't reach out. I kept thinking I couldn't diminish my own feelings—that would hurt even more. This was better.
Some days later, when I learned that another me was taking small breaths inside me every day, I felt like the happiest person on earth! When I told you and you congratulated me, believe me, I wasn't angry at all, didn't want to scold you. I was so happy, couldn't hold back those tears of joy, wanted to embrace you. Then I thought I wouldn't contact you anymore.
Every night, every moment until I went to the clinic on June 4th, I talked with the baby, recited poems, sang songs, helped them sleep peacefully; when I ate, I ate a little more; force-feeding makes me nauseous, and it did then too, but I still ate, vomited and ate again. I slept so carefully, so the baby wouldn't be uncomfortable; believe me, I didn't cause the little one any distress. I feel them inside me every moment, even now...
I'd decided not to contact you anymore, but from May 26th when I learned about the baby, I became someone entirely different without realizing it. For the first time in my life, I discovered my most vulnerable place. That love which had stalled in an ocean of ego—I never imagined such a tide would rise in that love afterward. As I said, I'd convinced myself I'd never find anyone who could awaken those restless feelings inside me, so I didn't look, couldn't be easily enchanted by anyone...
After returning to Chittagong, our contact became regular. The credit goes entirely to you. If you hadn't reached out, I might have let that disease of punishing my feelings grow again. Now I feel you deeply in every moment. You're the person who awakened the wild, passionate love that had been accumulating in the depths of this wooden girl's heart—love unknown even to herself. I've been nurturing this love carefully for many years, never giving it to anyone for that one reason.
When you came and recognized that place, all that accumulated love knew only you, recognized only you... That's why I didn't hesitate for a moment when making those promises that day. The place I've given you—I could never give it to anyone else. It's impossible. I know my feelings... they're absurdly intense...
At first sight I had no particular feelings, and today I wait restlessly for when, at what moment we'll meet. Strange!!! Those days when you'd given me dates for your visit, I was incredibly anxious, some kind of feeling was working in me constantly. Like the joy and excitement when someone close who lives abroad returns home. If you hadn't come close on your own, perhaps this very moment would never have been created.
I love you, love you terribly. Perhaps you taught me how to love you this way. That I would say I love someone so fiercely—I never imagined that either; you taught me that too. Thank you!
So... this is the vast story of my small love...
You are my love.
The End Your rotten one