Fate

When I used to ask him long ago, when I was much younger, "Tell me, why do you smoke cigarettes?", he would laugh and reply, "When you grow up, I'll gradually quit everything." I would listen, stunned. What did it mean that he would quit cigarettes when I grew up?

I was so young then, I didn't even try to understand such things. And I had no headaches about love or anything like that.

I behaved badly with that man, time and again. Far too much! The reason being simply this—I never loved him. When you can't love someone, it doesn't really trouble us to treat them badly. That's why such behavior is possible. And when someone loves a person, they don't really take their bad behavior to heart. What would be the point of taking it to heart! They couldn't stop loving anyway!

Suddenly, during this time of Corona, it occurred to me that I should ask forgiveness from that man just once. If I don't survive or he doesn't, then asking forgiveness would never happen.

So I reached out and asked for forgiveness. One thing I noticed—the man still loves me exactly as before. But that's not the point.

The point is, I'm suffering bit by bit for the bad treatment I gave him—what you call being consumed by the pangs of conscience. There's no more terrible punishment than this.

Again and again I keep thinking just this—he only ever loved me well! He never harmed me, never spoke ill of me anywhere, never pointed out my faults. Then why did I treat him so badly!

Among these millions and millions of people, when someone loves us—and loves us like crazy—even if we don't think about them or love them back, we must one day terribly regret the bad treatment we gave them. Again and again we wonder, why did I do such things? What was his crime? He only loved me well, he didn't commit any sin!

When he asks me now whether I love anyone, I close my eyes, and immediately you float before them. I don't say anything to him, I stay silent.

The reason being—the one I love doesn't love me. The one who loves me, I don't love. What a strange thing! A loves B, B loves C. C doesn't love B again. B doesn't love A again.

What a situation! Match this up for yourself when you have time. Even when we don't love someone well, after a certain time it occurs to us—ah, that person truly did love me! Then why did I treat them so badly? Why was I so harsh with them! Blah blah blah! How that time feels, it's impossible to explain!

If I've behaved badly toward someone, I keep burning. If someone treats me badly a thousand times even after loving me selflessly, I fall silent at their behavior. I don't give a retort. Because I love them! I love them well with the mentality to endure, and I do endure. Endurance is only possible when you love, otherwise not.

I don't think there's anything as beautiful as love in this world. Everything else has solutions or can be solved. Even after someone loves another person intensely, why they can't have them—this perhaps has no solution. Oh yes, there is! What we call fate! Meaning it's not in one's destiny! What an enchanting consolation!

Well, if it's not in one's destiny, then why does love arise in our hearts for the wrong person? Are there no other people? Do you know the answer to this?

Actually love means a shift of suffering. You have to suffer, before or after. This is fate.

The person you love isn't before your eyes—this is suffering. They bid farewell from the world some day—then suffering. The person doesn't understand me at all—this is so much suffering!

If I speak of myself, you won't be mine—this is my suffering! (Though I don't imagine anyone beside me, still I said it, what about the others!) We ourselves call suffering into our lives!

Actually children are at peace. They still don't understand what the world is. When they're hungry they cry; that's it, it's done! And us? When will we cry? In front of whom? We just swallow when the suffering increases too much. Does this make any sense?

Not getting something is much better than getting and losing it. For this reason I don't make many things essential in life or even think of them as such. I'm deeply at peace. Ah, single life! How much peace there is, it's impossible to explain! I've finished an entire life in peace and peace alone!

Selfless love still exists in this world. You'll see most of it is one-sided. These last a very long time. Because there's no decision from both sides, no thinking either. So in the end the love remains with one person! It ends but doesn't end!

Let me share some of that man's words with you. Read them, see how they feel.

If you came to my room I wouldn't light any lamps anymore. Because you yourself are a light! If you had come to this little nest of mine, there truly would have been no need to light any lamps.

In my eyes you're still a little fairy. This fairy can only be loved well, can't be scolded.

You didn't come into my life, so my friendship with cigarettes grew deep. If you had come, not just cigarettes—I would have given up many other things with eyes closed.

I was waiting for you to grow up. When you started growing up, there was fear in my heart that I might lose you! Look, today I've truly lost you!

I truly loved you terribly...oh sorry, I still love you. You never even tried to understand me. Now when you say to forgive you for your behavior, will it really do much? If I forgive you, will you become mine? I never wanted to forgive or not forgive you, I only wanted you! If you had been mine, I would have been ready to commit any sin or virtue!

How much I've always missed you or still do—you should understand that!

Have you ever loved anyone in life? Did they understand your love? They didn't, right? Ha ha ha! Don't worry, love is just such a thing that doesn't understand. We ourselves become quite understanding at some point!

Do you know that I still love you? Of course, what if you knew! What more can I explain to someone who doesn't understand!

Life would have been so beautiful if I'd had you. Look, how bland life feels today!

...When he says all these things above, I listen like a criminal. Everything in life has its time. Neither before time nor after is good.

When he complains that my behavior was harsh, that I shouldn't have turned him away like this, then even trying to explain to the man makes my tongue feel heavy. When he calls, he stays silent for a long time, doesn't say anything.

I understand he's lighting cigarette after cigarette hoping that I'll break his silence and say, is smoking so many cigarettes good? He would then surely say, if you were beside me I would have forgotten the very name of cigarettes! Didn't I say, grow up, I'll quit everything! But you remained a child even today. What's my fault, tell me?

The one I don't love, that man still sees me as a child!
And the one I love, that person has seen me as old since the day we met!
Yes, I admit, this too is called fate!