Evening's Enchantment

I don't remember you much anymore,
at first you'd come to mind too often, without reason,
I'd make all kinds of excuses within myself to forget,
but during work or in the gaps between words, somehow
your habits would still find their way back to me.

At first, whenever I'd go to the kitchen to make breakfast,
I'd remember how much you loved khichuri.
Tears would come at once, I'd retreat from the kitchen.
Then for many days I wouldn't enter the kitchen at all,
I'd think, memories can't be erased anyway,
better let some dust settle on them.
This way I'd manage to forget, running away, hiding.

Many, many days later when I went walking by the river,
there too it felt as if you stood before me, holding my gaze,
I'd remember how after evening, your two hands wrapped in mine,
barefoot, how many times we walked together,
when evening rolled into night and the moon rose overhead, we never even noticed!

After that I thought, no point going to the river anymore,
so that stopped too.
Then suddenly one day, a friend's wedding,
they insisted I wear a saree.
I thought, why not, it's been so long!
The moment I unfolded the saree's pleats, I remembered
how happy you'd get seeing me in a saree,
my breath caught,
I felt you were woven into every fold,
I shook it off my body right away!
Now sarees are forbidden to me,
I've disciplined myself, that's how it is!

No more memories,
no more habits,
no more familiarities either.
A few days later I'd go to a restaurant with friends,
a birthday celebration,
I thought, let me put on some earrings,
after so long I opened the cosmetics drawer,
and saw hundreds of makeup things!
Did I really dress up so much once!
The moment I picked up the earrings, I remembered
how you wanted me to sit before you wearing so much jewelry.
Again my eyes filled with tears,
I couldn't wear them.

Since childhood I'd loved ice cream and burgers,
whenever you took me out, you wouldn't bring me home without feeding me these two,
many years later that day I craved a burger, even ordered one.
But somehow I couldn't eat it,
I just paid the bill and left.

This is how I kept running from memory every day.
I thought maybe running away meant forgetting,
I thought, surely I'll forget! Who remembers such things their whole life?
Perhaps this is why, for reasons and no reasons,
memory's pages blur and fill my eyes again and again,
forgetting just won't happen!

Now I don't remember you anymore,
only something behind me hums and weeps,
a relationship's death weeps,
an old bond cries out,
it just won't tear away!
Even torn, it hangs there with incomplete pages longing to be filled, in regret,
pleading, somehow, anyhow, let me finish it!

Why did I leave it half-written!
The empty part weeps and weeps every day,
an incomplete tune trembles at the corner of my lips,
turning away in hurt as if to say,
'Why did you give me half a life?
Why did I remain incomplete?
For what sin could I not become whole?'

Because everyone wants to taste completeness,
no one wants to be lit by half-light,
no one likes a half-moon...
Now sometimes I forget,
I don't try to, but still I forget.
Do you know why I forget?
I forget because staying forgotten is impossible,
what cannot be forgotten must sometimes be allowed to slip away!

When memories peek out, I turn the page to see how much is written,
and how much remains!
Whatever remains,
I will complete,
I must go.
By destiny's law, the way others have done,
I too must follow that path and settle all writing's debts before my end,
just as everyone must fill life's blank pages before day's end,
so must I.
I'll leave no debt behind,
going, going, you too will remain somewhere in a corner of my memory,
as my evening's enchantment.