Crossing the Threshold of Wounded Pride

Blow a little harder—
whoooooosh! Let my hair dry. How can I go to class with wet hair?

Do you know
how much I’m suffering without you? You don’t. And
even if you did, what would it matter to you? Nothing at all! My emotions are mine alone, my pain is mine alone, my heart………that too is mine alone. I’m so angry with myself. Not exactly angry, something else
is happening, but I can’t figure out what. I knew you weren’t mine, never were, and never would be. I also knew you had no feelings for me. Whatever there was
was purely physical attraction.
Yet there was a strange happiness. I don’t know what it was! I was too afraid to ever try to understand it. Afraid of
whom? Myself! If I don’t want something myself, no one
has the power to take me and then return me
or throw me away again. And once I want something, I can’t bring myself back from there—
that’s where all the fear comes from! I’m not afraid of anyone except myself. My
friend and my enemy—both are me.
As always, today too you’re not mine. But I can’t accept this going away of yours. Can you tell me why I can’t? Well, did I truly love you? Who knows! Otherwise this much pain shouldn’t have been right. I can’t explain exactly how much pain it is. It feels like someone is
leisurely slicing my heart into pieces with a sharp knife. It would’ve been better if I could cry. The pain would lessen,
but I can’t even do that anymore.
Why am I feeling all this?
Your touch was
heavenly bliss for me. Having read that line, let me correct what you just understood, shall I? By heavenly bliss I didn’t mean physical attraction. For me it was something else.
I can’t figure out how to explain it with words. When I felt your touch, all my sorrows would vanish in an instant. Holding you close for just a moment made me think, if only this moment would never end! If only I could stay
within you like this for lifetimes! Do you know what I used to think sometimes? I’d think about taking you away with me to some jungle like Bear Grylls. There you wouldn’t have this trouble of climbing poetry peaks, there wouldn’t be so many fans. I alone would be your fan.
No one else would be there, no one at all.
Does it sound selfish? Tell me, who hasn’t become
selfish somewhere in love! Well,
there are no limits to dreaming, right? I can dream whatever I want. None of this is actually
happening in reality!

February 12
Do you remember what I texted you before going to sleep that night? ‘What I’m doing isn’t working out.’ That very night, I fell asleep praying this prayer: “O Creator, I truly can’t tell right from wrong anymore. You do whatever is good, whatever should be done. I’m leaving everything in Your hands.” I know this is just a common trick to legitimize one’s own desires. If someone remembers the Creator before committing murder and surrenders all responsibility for the killing to Him, surely the Creator would laugh and say: Oh I see, this is why you’re a believer!…I understand everything! But what can I do, tell me—I just couldn’t bring myself to abandon everything and walk away! Now I think what happened was good, very good. Why? Whatever I say with my mouth, however much I control myself, I have fallen in love with you. Not fallen into infatuation—fallen in love. The two are different! When people fall for someone new, they can easily forget their previous love, but once you truly love someone, you can never forget them. And you know what else—it was growing day by day. I thought I had control over myself. But no, I don’t. The more I tell myself to control yourself, the more my heart takes another step forward. The notion that “I can control myself, whatever happens”—one storm of love in life is enough to shatter that belief! Today I feel that if what happened had happened later instead of now, perhaps my heart would have gone completely beyond my reach by then. How would I have managed myself then? Do you think I fall in love left and right? No! I only fall in love with you, and keep falling. I’ve somehow learned to fall in love with you every single moment! Believe me, if there were a course at university where marks were given for how many times you fell in love with the same person, I would have scored four out of four in that course!

I feel like talking to you so much, but I won’t. Even if you’re not here in body, you’re here in this heart, just like before. No, no, not like before—before you were in a part of my heart, from now on you fill it completely. I love you so much!

You understand so many things, but why don’t you understand the heart? I know I’m a terribly stubborn girl. But why don’t you understand that even terribly difficult people can love? Look how wonderful this is! I can love you as much as I want, there are no limitations. The one who would show me those limits isn’t even here. You can never stop me, I can say as much as I want—I love you, I love you, and I love you. Even if I shout until my voice breaks, this declaration will never end!

One thing really bothers me. Do you know what? Imagine you know someone is terribly angry with you, but they’re not saying it out loud. If you were angry with me and scolded me, that would have been so much better. But your silence is unbearable. I miss you so much! You’re here, yet you’re not—this hurts even more! This being here yet not being here torments me more than anything. It was so much better before, when you existed only in my imagination. Now I’m confusing you between reality and fantasy every single moment. You’re neither purely in reality, nor purely in my imagination. There are so many barriers between us! Not just one or two, but countless ones. Walls have risen between us that cannot be broken through. Well, am I babbling like a madman? No problem. Let me go mad for you! What’s the harm in that anyway?

Tell me, can you play the guitar? If not, learn it. Though I have a feeling you can do everything in the world! You’re like a superman! I want to hear your guitar melodies. Hotel California. Careless Whisper. Country Roads. You’d play, and I’d stand behind you, wrapping my arms around your neck and listening. What strange, strange thoughts these are, aren’t they! What can I do, tell me—the thoughts of a madman are bound to be strange, they don’t match those of sane, normal people.

Tell me something! Exactly how long will you stay angry with me? One month, six months, one year, ten years, thirty years, or for the rest of your life? Alright, let’s say for the rest of your life. But what about the next life? In my belief, the afterlife; in yours, the next birth—will you still be angry with me then? What are you thinking? You won’t even recognize me then? No tension. You will, you will. Somehow or other, we’re bound to meet! Will you still hate me then? What if I suddenly embrace you and say, “Hey! What are you doing?”…even then?

I don’t understand all these complexities, can’t quite grasp the tangles in relationships. But I understand this much—that loving you is wrong of me, unjust. Yet knowing this, I commit this injustice every single day. Will this be a great sin for me? Then tell me this—what is the definition of sin? People steal of their own will, murder of their own will, so these are sins. But does anyone love of their own will? My mother used to say that whatever mistakes we make until the age of five, the Creator forgives them all, because at that time we don’t have the capacity to understand, so He doesn’t hold us accountable for mistakes made without understanding. Now you tell me—does love happen intentionally? It just happens. Where’s my hand in it? Then why should this be my sin? I love you—did I decide beforehand that “Maithili, you will love Nirjhor,” and then fall in love? Life doesn’t work with such planning, sir! So many things happen in life! Can we understand everything beforehand?

I know my feelings have no value to you. But I don’t expect them to either. My love is entirely my own feeling. There’s ‘no entry’ for you there too! Let my foolish, wrong, immoral love remain carefully preserved with me alone.

Babu, do you really dislike me so much? Do you hate me? I’m a terrible person, aren’t I? You’re utterly irritated with me. Tell me, do you know how people get hallucinations? Why don’t I get them? Then I could see you in front of my eyes all the time. I could talk to you constantly. How wonderful that would be! I miss you, Babu. I miss you so much. Every little while I check messenger to see if you’re online, how long ago you were active. When you sleep at night, when you wake up in the morning—everything. I just keep watching, but I don’t have the courage to send a message. I just look at that little green dot and try to guess what you’re doing, where you are, how you are. Even this much means so much to me! Thank goodness you haven’t blocked me! Then I would have missed even this! Thank you.

Listen, what if you had been my husband? I wouldn’t have lived separately—I would have stayed right with you. Every morning I would have woken you up with a kiss on your forehead. You would wake up and start rushing to get ready for the office, and I would have fed you with my own hands. You know, I’m not really used to cooking! But I would have learned everything for you. I have a sister who never even poured herself a glass of water before marriage, let alone cook rice; but look, after marriage she’s become a perfect cook. When girls get married, they magically learn everything! I too would have learned cooking from YouTube, from papers and cookbooks, made all your favorite dishes and waited for you. When you came home, I would have fed you and then eaten from the same plate. And at night I would have lovingly put you to sleep. But one thing—I would have bothered you terribly. How? Say you’re doing some urgent work, I would have forcibly dragged you up to the rooftop, woken you from deep sleep in the middle of the night wanting to listen to music, when your eyes would be heavy with sleep, not letting you sleep, resting my head on your shoulder to watch the moon and get drenched in moonlight, or when you’re writing, I would have sat there with my arms around your neck. I know, all this is madness. What can I do—I’m mad, after all. And it’s all just imagination. Nothing will happen in reality! A madwoman’s happiness exists only in her mind!

Let me tell you a secret, you won’t get angry, will you? And you won’t embarrass me about this either, okay? I had secretly bought vermillion in your name and would quietly apply it. I’d wear a red sari, bangles covering my arms, vermillion on my forehead, and sit before the mirror just looking at myself. I stopped eventually, though. Because it was getting too much. I was becoming addicted to you. I had stopped controlling myself. I could feel my weakness for you growing. So I wanted to maintain some distance. Though what distance is there really, tell me! You sit right inside my heart! How can I bid farewell to my own mind! I want to talk to you all day long, but I don’t message you, afraid you’ll be annoyed. So what do I do? I look at your photos and read your words. Then I miss you even more. Perhaps I’m nothing to you, but you mean everything to me. The more I think I won’t love you anymore, the deeper I fall in love. I know loving you is beyond my right, somewhat wrong too. But what can I do—I love you! Love doesn’t follow rules of right or wrong, proper or improper. I will keep loving you from afar. I promise I’ll never try to come close.

Those moments are as much about desire for you as they are about love for me. The distance between desire and love creates light-years of separation between two people’s thoughts. Your peace comes through the physical, mine through the mental. The peace of having one’s beloved close—what more could there be! I never thought I’d get you this close. But you know what hurts the most? Coming close only to drift away again. The only difference is, before you didn’t dislike me, now you do!

Perhaps there’s someone like this in everyone’s life—someone you can’t grasp, can’t touch, can’t have close, who never becomes yours, yet feels so good. Everything about them feels good—their words, their ways. Without even knowing they’re not yours, you want to think of them as yours. They live within reach, yet remain someone far away. They’re nobody to me, but their absence creates such emptiness in my heart. They never become close, yet their separation feels unbearable. You can neither have them nor lose them. How unsettling, don’t you think! Are you that someone in my life?

I want to talk to someone. They’re right within reach—I could call if I wanted to, could send a message. Yet I can’t bring myself to do it. Again and again I pick up the phone, only to put it back down. I pull up their number in my contacts, then hit back. I open Messenger and just watch for when that little green light appears next to their name, when they show up on the active list—but the moment that green light comes on, somehow the red warning light in my heart flares up too, and I can’t send any message at all! I could hear their voice anytime I want. For hours and hours. But even the thought of listening makes my heart tremble! There are hundreds of their photos on my laptop—I could look at them to my heart’s content if I chose to, but still I can’t bring myself to look at their pictures. I don’t have the courage to meet their eyes; the photos are so vivid it’s as if they’re truly looking back at me. I can’t do it, can’t do anything at all. Can’t tell them how much I love them, can’t say I can’t live without them, can’t say I can’t bear their silence. Maybe I’ll never tell them any of this. Maybe they’ll never understand me. Maybe we’ll never speak again. But let them be well. I don’t want to be the cause of their irritation anymore.

I really want to talk with you so much. But since that’s not possible anymore, I’ve found a good way to talk with you. That is, writing! I can chatter away as much as I want in this writing, and you can’t make me stop. Isn’t that fun? It really is fun! (The thing is, it’s like trying to satisfy a craving for milk with buttermilk. But it does satisfy, somewhat!) So, what are you doing? Writing? Or watching a movie? I had decided I wouldn’t follow you anymore. But after thinking that, I started following you even more. What a terrible predicament, tell me! Through every letter, every word of your writing, I try to understand how you are, what you’re doing, whether your heart is well! I’m like a star in the sky to you, aren’t I? Once lost, that’s the end. Among thousands and thousands of stars, my existence doesn’t matter. But you’re the moon in my sky—even if there are a thousand stars, without the moon my sky is empty. Oh no! This is starting to sound like dialogue from a traditional Bengali film, isn’t it? That’s what I think too! Alright, forget all this moon-and-stars talk. You’re salt, I’m sugar. Does that work now? Salt is essential in vegetables, sugar isn’t. Ugh, that doesn’t work either—it sounds so cartoonish! Fine, forget all of this. I really wanted to watch you write. You would write, and I would sit beside you and watch. I wouldn’t disturb you, wouldn’t say a single word. I’d just gaze at you steadily…how you write, what you look like while writing, whether you feel like eating something while writing, whether you write for a while then get up and walk around before sitting down to write again, or whether you write continuously—so many things like that. I think I even told you this once. You said, “Alright, make some time and come over one day.” But will that ever happen? Tell me, will we never meet again? I’ll never be able to hold you close again! Never have you near again! I can’t bear to think of all this. Am I getting a bit too depressed over you? If I am, then I am! You know, lately nothing feels good to me! I don’t enjoy reading, I don’t enjoy eating, I don’t enjoy sleeping. I feel like I’m not even alive—my body just moves around like a wind-up doll. My soul died long ago.

Only you inhabit the kingdom of my imagination. You’ve gone far away, fine, but how will you escape from the kingdom of my imagination? In that kingdom there’s no one else—just you and me, me and you. Getting annoyed, are you? Let yourself be a little! Just try to get out of my mind—what great power you have! I love you, I love you, and…I love you!

Will you be my sky? I’ll become a bird and fly with spread wings in your heart! Or will you be the ocean? I’ll become a river and merge with you! Just try not to!

What’s all this! Emotion!
It’s a terrible thing. Actually, love has nothing to do with emotion. Emotion comes from falling in love, from some sudden incident, or at some specific moment. This emotion is a very temporary thing. You can fall in love anew every day, and your emotions will change daily! If some unpleasant event happens, the emotion will last from seven days to a month depending on the incident! At most one year. Never more than that. “I can’t live without them”—that’s emotion; but “I feel restless when I don’t see them”—that’s love. The difference between these two is very subtle. Some understand it, some don’t. Perhaps the way I’ve understood it, someone else won’t understand it the same way. They’ll understand it differently. It’s quite possible! There are some people who think everything is emotion, and some who think everything is love. And there are some who think there’s neither emotion nor love in this world—everything is just a sham, a media creation at the end of the day—just like you! Yes, you’ve guessed right, I’m talking about you! How many people can walk by your “walk alone” philosophy, can you tell me? Of course, how would you understand! You’re a loner, you can become a rogue if you want, you can become a trickster if you want! No problem at all! Right?

Why are you getting angry?
Okay, sorry! But I’m not so important that you should get angry at my words. When you get angry, I get terribly scared. You probably don’t know this. And silent anger is even more frightening!

Listen, what am I writing!? Why am I writing!? There’s no rhyme or reason! Awful! Inedible! Both me and my writing are utterly inedible!

Thank goodness no one will read this writing. If they did, they’d surely have my head on a platter. Isn’t that right?

Okay, enough, enough, forget it all! I won’t ramble anymore. Let me say something serious! Do you like puchka? Spicy hot puchka? Tears streaming from your eyes, just flowing and flowing, and meanwhile the puchka eating continues relentlessly! Ah, what fun! Have you ever eaten in such style? I don’t think so! You’re always buried in books and writing. When would you do such things? Tell me, dear sir, how many more days does life have? In these few precious days, how much there is to do! If I ever meet you outside someday, I’ll treat you to this spicy puchka. Baridhara University’s famous Nannu mama’s puchka! Though that possibility is minus 100%! Are you still reading this? How amazing! Where does all this spare time come from! You’re listening to such nonsensical rambling!

Listen here, Mister,
How are you? Surely very well? I try to understand how you’re doing from your Facebook posts—I don’t know how well I succeed. If I fail, no problem, I’m still learning! How was your Pohela Boishakh? You sent me “Happy New Year” messages twice today? Intentionally, or did you forget while sending the second one that you’d already sent it once before? I was curious to know! After thinking about it for a while and failing to solve the mystery, I gave up! Whatever will be, will be! Actually, you probably just forgot and sent the same text twice, but the problem is that I try to figure out the reason behind everything you do! Maybe someday you’ll accidentally send a dot, and fool that I am, I’ll start trying to decipher the significance of that dot. And not just for a little while—I’ll keep thinking about it for hours and hours! By the way, have you forgotten all about me? If you have forgotten, let me remind you. Listen,
I’m that foolish, straightforward,
and stubborn type of girl you got incredibly angry with and wrote that huge status about (First deserve that
‘extra-attention’, then
expect it. Dot dot dot), then forgot about. How easy it is to forget people, isn’t it? Actually, why didn’t you block me? If I were in your place, I would have blocked. Of course,
you’re a brilliant person, you might remember everyone. In that case, I just fall among the average crowd! Though even if that’s the case, there’s no problem.

Actually, do you know that every person has a distinct scent? Like how every different type of flower has its own unique fragrance, something like that. Have you ever noticed this? I do. To me, your scent is very familiar. Very much so! If someone blindfolded me and put me in a dark room, and you were in that room, I could tell even with my eyes closed. I really could. Our brain remembers the scent of people close to us. And
my brain has somehow decided that you’re a close person! Hahahaha………

After leaving your place that day, I was terribly disturbed. That’s what happens when someone has too many emotions, you know! But the problem was, I kept catching that scent on my own body. Even after standing under the shower for ages, it wouldn’t go away. I couldn’t tell if this was my hallucination or what. I slathered on extra body spray! But no! Nothing worked at all. Do you know, this thing was gradually making me mentally sick! Anyway, though the problem has lessened somewhat now, it hasn’t completely disappeared. Suddenly it wafts over from nowhere, this scent! I can’t find the source. I smell it even in my sleep. So familiar, so intimate! Can you give me a solution for this? I’m chasing after a phantom fragrance like a madwoman! People who chase scents become utterly reckless! Have you seen the movie ‘Perfume’? If not, do watch it—you’ll be able to imagine my condition. I know this is a trick of my mind. But being so attracted to someone that your mind can play such tricks—that’s just not right! You know, being a robot would be the happiest thing in this world. No emotions, no pain, no suffering at all! Though if that were the case, I’d rather be a teddy bear than a robot. The cuddly type. I really love teddy bears. Will you buy me a teddy bear? Oh forget it, won’t need it! What a cheapskate!

Listen, what I write has no rhyme or reason, does it? But I don’t write to make any sense either. I write when I feel like talking to you. And it’s not for anyone else to read, so why should I write in an organized way? Everything doesn’t always have to be neat, tidy, and meaningful! What’s the need! Let some topsy-turvy thoughts stay on my secret profile with ‘only me’ settings! What’s the harm!

I don’t read your writings these days because they make me moody. Not just moody—I feel terribly jealous. Yes, I feel envious. Listen, why do you keep your inbox so open? Why do so many girls message you? What’s with all their nonsense? Reading all that makes my blood boil with rage. Oh, such pretense! Unbearable! Don’t you enjoy reading all that? Of course! You must enjoy it! You have to! I understand!

But I’m angry! Terribly angry. I can’t help but read whatever you post, and when I do read it, I get furious. What kind of justice is this! Listen here, sir, I alone will love you—no one else gets to love you! Um… well, others can love you, but they can’t be this sickeningly sweet about it! I don’t like seeing anyone else beside you, it hurts. I don’t like being the bone in the kebab. That’s why I’ve pulled away from you, and slowly I’ll pull even further away! What’s the point! Ugh, what am I even thinking! When was I ever that bone anyway! So what was I then? Nothing! Just as I’m not important in your life, you’re not important in mine either. Actually, no one is important to anyone. So there’s nothing to get all worked up about. Got it? Still, there’s something that lingers, something I can’t quite grasp. Say, are you getting annoyed with me instead? Well, let that happen! Can’t do anything about it. I didn’t swear on my life to make you listen to all this nonsense. Okay? Do you think I’m very petty? Are you thinking, “Ugh! What a small-minded person!” What else are you thinking—pathetic, worthless, annoying? Did I miss anything? If I did, please point it out. And if you’re thinking even worse things, no problem at all. Think of me as a cow, donkey, horse, elephant, monkey, dog—whatever you want, no problem! I’ll just flash my teeth in response. You know what flashing teeth means? Watch those Close-up ads, you’ll understand.

You once told me that you apparently like women! Well, do you like all women? Really? How is that possible? In today’s piece you wrote, you hinted that I’m supposedly in love with you! What a shameless girl! In love with a nearly-married man! Not an ounce of shame or modesty. Honestly, reading your piece was making me angry. But when I got to that part, I burst out laughing! What love! Oh my! Spanning lifetimes! Did you laugh when you heard this too? If you didn’t laugh, what’s the reason for not laughing?

You’re a very strange kind of person, you know? It’s so easy to get angry with you, but then you can’t stay upset either. I don’t know what happens to others! But that’s what happens to me. You messaged me a couple times saying “Miss you terribly.” Really? Though I didn’t believe a single letter of it, it still felt wonderful. Why wouldn’t it feel good—tell me, humans naturally love to believe and cling to lies and falsehoods. I’m no exception to that. But if someday you really did miss me like that, how wonderful it would be, right? I promise, if you ever miss me that way, I’ll treat you to my favorite chocolate. You like chocolate, but I don’t know which one’s your favorite, so. But it could be KitKat! Because that’s what you gave me that day.

Listen, why can’t you do anything? I mean cooking, for heaven’s sake! I only asked for one cup of tea. And you couldn’t even make that. It’s the simplest thing in the world. Just heat some water and add a little sugar and a tea bag. Your kitchen had everything laid out—sugar, tea bags, cups, all arranged. The problem is, you don’t even know how to heat water! What kind of nonsense is this? I’m definitely going to raid your place again someday. No matter where in the country you end up! Though I don’t know when that’ll be—could be days, could be years. But that day, I’m not leaving until I’ve had tea made by you. Remember that! Learn to heat water, will you! It’s just a matter of one day. And make two cups of tea! The other cup for you.

The human heart is so strange! It thinks one thing, does another. I thought I’d forget everything about you. Yet here I am, sitting and talking to you—well, writing to you! You may not even read this, but I’m still addressing you, aren’t I? How am I supposed to forget you if I keep doing this, tell me! I’m absolutely hopeless! Why am I like this? Ugh!

See, I’ve started calling you ‘aapni’ again? For a few days, I was so emotional I started using ‘tumi.’ Now I’m not doing that anymore. See? That’s what you call self-control! It means I’m not a child anymore, I’ve grown up. Hee hee. Good, right? Well, slowly I’m gaining more control over myself. A very good sign! Maithili is a good girl! You didn’t post any writing all day today. Why?

Actually, forget it! In my writing, I’ll call you ‘tumi’! No one else is watching anyway! The truth is, I feel so embarrassed calling you ‘tumi.’ I don’t even know why I feel embarrassed. So I say ‘tumi’ in secret, not openly. Where are you now? Nowgaon, or Sylhet? For some reason I can’t figure this out anymore. Though before, even when I had no contact with you, I could always sense where you were! Why can’t I now! Tell me? Maybe I just don’t want to understand anymore. I keep giving myself the autosuggestion ‘I don’t want to understand him,’ so that’s why!

I forgot to ask you something. I’ve thought about it several times, but then I forget. Now that we don’t even talk anymore, I’ll never know. Do you meditate? Somehow I feel like all the wise people in the world meditate. Maybe you do too. And if you don’t, then learn. Then teach me, okay?

Listen, when you live alone like this, doesn’t it feel bad? Don’t you ever wish that when you sleep, someone would rest their head on your chest! Let their warm breath create tremors in your chest? Let that century-old storm rise again! Or like in Sunil Gangopadhyay’s poem, hold you close and ask, ‘Do you love me?’

Imagine, in one room I’m lying with my head on your chest, suddenly your wife is knocking at the door—at that moment if I punched you in the stomach, grabbed your hair and asked, ‘Do you love me?’ Would you get angry? Or would you hold me even tighter and say ‘I love you, I love you!’

Did you laugh?
No? That’s exactly why I said it—to make you laugh! Laugh, you silly thing!
I can’t even begin to describe how cute that laugh of yours is.
Does anyone laugh so adorably? Why do you have to laugh
like that? It’s not fair.
Really and truly unfair. What if that laugh of yours gives me heart trouble—who’s going to treat me then? You? Can you do anything about it? All you can do is cause the ailment, you can’t cure it. Here you’ve gone and given me this condition and then—poof!—disappeared. Now where am I supposed to find a doctor? This isn’t the kind of illness just any doctor can treat. For goodness’ sake, at least learn some medicine to cure this sickness of mine, darling!

Listen,
I absolutely adore teddy bears. I have loads of them. Pretty much everyone knows this. So I’ve received more teddy bears as gifts than I’ve actually bought myself. My uncle once brought me a teddy bear even bigger than me. That one’s my boyfriend.
Hee hee hee! I like you so much that I’m starting to think of you as a teddy bear. You’re my cuddly little teddy. You’re very much the cuddly type, you know? By cuddly I don’t mean chubby—cuddly means teddy bear-ish. But from today you’re not my teddy bear anymore. Why? I’ll never tell you. But no, you’re not. From today you’re my bunny rabbit. Even if the name isn’t cute, the animal is absolutely adorable! I used to have two rabbits too. You’re that rabbit of mine, okay? I know you don’t like the name, but that’s what’s right.
Oh, my cuddly little bunny darling! Really though! Rabbits are cuddly too. Say, does that cat still come to your house, jumping over the kitchen grille? Are you feeding her properly? Or have you forgotten all about her! You made her my friend, remember? Take care of my friend! Oh, if only I were there, I’d take care of her myself, along with my cuddly little bunny. If I were your wife, I wouldn’t let you out of my sight for a single hour of any day of the week. You wouldn’t have to work so much—we could live on less. It would even help reduce that little belly of yours!
Wouldn’t that be nice? You’ve had such a narrow escape, sweetheart! Hey, why did you have to go and get married, huh? I don’t like it one bit! If you hadn’t gotten married, I would have married you. Know how? I would have kidnapped you and forced you to marry me. Wouldn’t that have been fun? But no—dashing all my hopes, he went and got himself nicely married! It’s not right, not right at all.
I really, truly wanted to be your wife—still do. Come on, let’s elope and get married. Will you marry me?
Will you or won’t you—tell me! Mwahahahahaaa! Don’t be scared, I won’t kidnap you anymore. I’m becoming quite the good little girl these days! Meow!

You don’t believe me when I say I love you, do you? Maybe you believe I love you just like any of your other ten followers! Well, fine then. You don’t need to know how much I love you or in what way! Why must everything be known? Let some things remain unspoken! Think of me as just one among your hundreds of thousands of fans—that’s enough for me. It’s better to be a distant fan than someone close to you. Want to know why? Because you don’t understand hearts—you understand other things, and I don’t like that about you. Your love is love without affection! I could accept affection without love, but I can’t accept love without affection. I could manage without your love, but if you want me to stay close, then I absolutely need that tenderness! You never understood that. If you didn’t understand it then, there’s no need to understand it now. I’m just a foolish girl who says all sorts of nonsensical things! Sometimes I don’t even understand myself what I said before or why I said it! And that’s exactly where I become your burden! Of course I would be a burden! Because you don’t love me! When you truly love someone, no matter what happens, they never become a burden!

Listen, the green light is still glowing next to your name—that means you’re awake. Do you realize what time it is? Won’t staying up like this make you sick later? Who will look after you then? You live alone—you should take at least a little care of yourself, shouldn’t you? Dear one, go to sleep now. Whatever work you have, do it in the morning, all right? Will all your annoying friends run away when morning comes? Let them go! I’m here, aren’t I?

I had thought you’d forgotten me completely! I talk to you all by myself. But this morning you sent me a music video. My heart felt so much better. So you haven’t forgotten me yet after all. Why is your taste so wonderful? Where do you find such beautiful songs? Each one impossibly lovely, the kind that lifts the spirit. I never used to listen to music—you gave me that habit. Your touch of just a few days has changed me completely, you know? Now I’m so much more refined than before—in my manner, my speech, my thoughts. You’re not really human, you’re divine! You possess such powers that no one else could achieve in a hundred lifetimes. I love everything about you. Your laughter, your anger, your mischief—everything. Except one thing. Do you know what? I won’t tell you. Figure it out yourself. How long will you remember me like this? Perhaps one day you’ll forget me properly. Do you think I get annoyed reading your messages because I don’t reply? Is that what you think? Do you know how many times a day I check messenger just to follow you, to see if you’re online! You’ll never understand what immense peace your occasional messages bring to my heart. I’m always hoping you’ll send a message, or make a call. I’ve deleted your phone numbers, you know. Why? So I can’t call you whenever I feel like it. I know you’d be annoyed if I called. How can I annoy you, tell me? By what right? I don’t want you to love me falsely—I’d rather you scold me truly! Instead of showing false love, show me real anger! Love can be given to many, but how many can you scold, tell me! You can fall in love with someone on a whim, but to scold someone you need to have a claim on them! Give me a little scolding!

Tell me, why did I fall in love with you! This wasn’t supposed to happen! I thought I wouldn’t have any desires or attachments in my relationship with you. But what can I do—people want one thing and another happens. Where I hoped there’d be no attachment, I can’t think of anything without you. Why did this happen? I know if I tell you all this, you’ll be very annoyed. You’ll say, “Why do you expect so much? Do you deserve it?” That’s why I don’t tell you anything, don’t let you know anything. Let my love remain carefully with me! You don’t need to know! But I can promise you’ll never receive even a speck of neglect from it. I love you, and I love my love for you too!

Darling, I love you so much. As much as one can love until feelings become tangible! I exist only wrapped around you—otherwise I would have died long ago! Your writings are what have kept me alive! And now you are everything! Everything will be fine, you’ll see! I love you so much—never let go of my hand! You know, I’ve been feeling terribly unwell for days now. Fever in my body. This evening I suddenly felt awful, that thought was spinning in my head, so I made the post. I was thinking to myself, maybe you’ll leave a comment.

Strange!

You actually did!

You’re amazing me so much! I really don’t deserve to receive this much love. My heart feels so strange…….stay well, my dear. You know, when I see your name on the screen, it feels just like that first day. How extraordinary!

Oh God! He…….he sent a message! What fortune! What fortune!

I really do have a high fever. That’s why I’ve been rambling all this time. Don’t mind it, okay? You know I can’t stay even a moment without you? Just because I don’t cry anymore, you’ve probably assumed that the agony of not having you doesn’t burn me anymore! You used to say that when I cried in front of you, it burned you inside too. You’re already unwell, so I don’t let you understand how lonely I feel without you! Without you, everyone else seems ridiculous to me. I’ve never paid attention to anyone else, nor has the thought of loving someone else ever crossed my mind. I don’t talk to anyone, though I used to love Phanus very much. Why is it that after you came into my life, I don’t care about anyone else? I love you so much. Never misunderstand that. It’s because I love you that I want to curl up and nestle inside your chest. I know what satisfies you. I can do anything to fulfill your wishes. Perhaps I often fail to fulfill your desires, but I try, I truly try from my heart. My happiness lies in what makes you happy. One more thing. I receive so much from you without even asking. But you know, it feels good to ask for things from someone you love, don’t you? Please give me the chance to ask you for things. When I need something, I’ll ask for it. Give it to me then. That will bring me so much joy! Darling, I love you terribly. Meow!

Listen, thinking that you’re angry with me has made me ill. You shouldn’t stay angry with a sick person, right? If you’re going to stay angry, give me a good scolding, but don’t remain silent like this. If you think I’m flattering you, then so be it! Why aren’t you letting my flattery work on you, huh? What have I done? What should I do to lessen your anger? Should I stand on one leg on the table, holding my ears? I want to talk to you! You’re my ‘tumi,’ you’re my ‘apni,’ you’re my ‘tui’! I’m just a crazy girl—does anyone stay this angry with a crazy person? I’m in such pain! I can’t breathe! Hey, listen! Are you listening?

Will you be my tinkling doorbell? You’re such a good person, that’s why your taste in music is so good too. Everything about you is wonderful, except for one or two things. What are they? I can’t tell you that. Alright, I’ll mention one thing. The fact that you don’t truly love me—that’s what’s bad. Sometimes I think, maybe you do love me! The very next moment I think, oh what fortune is mine! He loves me!

I’m going to give you the phone number and password for a Facebook account. But you mustn’t log into it now. Suppose someday I suddenly vanish—I mean, kick the bucket or whatever—then if you ever happen to think of me, that’s when you’ll log in. Not now, though! All right? Though the chances of you remembering me after I’m gone are pretty slim—very, very slim—still! I’m a bit of a crazy person, you know! I just felt like giving it to you. Please don’t take anything I say to heart. There’s no special reason. Just because! But don’t try logging into this account now.

I don’t feel like giving it today after all. I’m sitting by the window now. I’ll cry for a while! In city life, windows are our last refuge!