Clouds in the Sky

I am Urmi, and today I will tell you all a truth with you as my witnesses. I have loved, and I still do. And this is a mistake. Love is the kind of mistake that consumes an entire lifetime just living with it. The most beloved mistake of this life is love itself!

Akash, I made a terrible mistake loving you. Your tears make me cry twice as hard, and even when I see you smile, it burns me up inside. Because I know those are all fake smiles meant to fool people. Do you know that you've forgotten how to smile? Only your lips smile now, your eyes don't. They haven't for a long time!

Do you know why I'm so restless? Well, I don't even know the reason myself. Try loving someone, and you'll be restless too. I suppose restlessness is just part of loving. I'm drinking coffee right now, black coffee. Oh, this was your favorite too. Though you used to drink your black coffee with three spoonfuls of sugar! Ha ha ha...

'Oh... I'll have to leave this world... in a day or two.' This song is playing on TV. Hey, this is one of your favorite songs too! Listen, if we all have to leave everything behind and go someday, then why did you make me cry so much? Why all this ego, all these excuses to push me so far away? We're all going to the same place anyway. If I asked you these questions, you'd stay silent as always, of course. Don't you have any answers? Or do you just not like looking for answers when it comes to me?

So, those visa troubles you were having—are they sorted out? Are you abroad now? You know, I really want to see you. I've come up to the roof. I'm shouting, 'Akash, I really want to see you! Akash...!!!' My eyes are full of sky-touching rain!

Well, that calmed my mind a little! So what happened with your scholarship? What a waste! And you can do a PhD staying in the country too. Why do you have to go abroad! But bring me lipstick from that foreign country! Hee hee hee... Just don't go falling in love with foreign girls! They're not as good-hearted as you are—they'll totally deceive you! Remember, foreign dogs and foreign girls—don't get too close to them. Foreign dogs and foreign girls have foreign hearts too. How would you understand the language of those hearts?

I often think you're still in the country. Ah! Even thinking that brings such peace. Where are you? In Savar? Should I come to the university campus? Will you make the effort to come too? To the banyan tree spot? Should we have duck curry together today? You won't come, will you? I know!

Standing on my roof in this rain feels so wonderful. Should I take a selfie and send it to you? But you're not even on Facebook. Where would I send it? Tell me your Instagram account ID? I don't even know your new number. I can't find you anywhere!

I might as well go back to my room. I'm not enjoying this anymore. I read 'Sophie's World' that you told me to read. It's a wonderful book. So what are you doing? Did you eat breakfast? Before, when I'd ask this, you'd say, 'Urmi, what kind of questions are these?' Then I'd ask even more. What you ate with, how each dish turned out! You look so wonderful when you get annoyed! My fair-skinned man turns all rosy when he gets irritated!

So, do you still talk like that? You won't talk to me anymore, will you? What did I do wrong? Should I cry more? Will you come back? Or will you never return? I'm going to cook pasta now. Do you want to taste a little?

You know, I've learned 'O je maane na maana...' on guitar. What trouble I went through learning it! You wanted to hear it. Remember?

Akash, I really did make a mistake loving you. But I've already loved you! I can't turn back from here! What do I do now? When you've left my life entirely, why do you stay so vividly in my memories? You're there when I open my eyes, and you're there when I close them too. It's as if you're stuck to my eyelids!

I feel like I can't breathe. I'm going to the balcony. I'm remembering so many things. I feel something I can't quite explain. Someone has turned up the TV volume again. Strange, that same line from that song is playing again... 'Oh... I'll have to leave this world... in a day or two.'

I'm feeling sad. For you? Or for Andrew Kishore? Or for myself? Or does this just happen when clouds gather in the sky?