Childhood Love

In my childhood, I had a very special relationship with a girl. She was the granddaughter of the man who owned the building next to ours. When she would visit her grandfather's house from time to time, I could see her if I went up to the rooftop. There was a wonderful garden on that roof. When she came, all the flowers in the garden would burst into laughter together.

I never knew when she would come. And when she did come, I didn't know when she would go up to the roof. We had never spoken to each other. So I had to keep my eyes on that rooftop every single day. It's not easy to watch the rooftop garden of the neighboring house daily while dodging my mother's watchful gaze. Whenever I caught sight of her, I felt wonderful. There's no comparison to that feeling. But I would see her only rarely. Sometimes months would pass without the girl coming at all. Or even if she came, she wouldn't go up to the roof during the time I spent looking. When I couldn't see her for many days, I would feel a kind of pain, tears would come. I couldn't understand why I felt that way.

During Durga Puja, they would come to grandfather's house. "They" meaning everyone in their family. The puja would be held right on that rooftop. Then it became easier to see her. I would just keep staring, waiting for when she would come up to the roof. When she did, I would go too, or try to go. I would stand in a corner, far away. I never spoke with her; I didn't even know her name (and I still don't know it today). I would always offer my prayers there during the puja, because the girl would be nearby then. The feeling that came from thinking she was sitting very close to me—nothing more beautiful had entered my life until then. I would secretly steal glances at her and think, how can a person be so beautiful!

Even today I can swear that we had a deep relationship, even though we never had a conversation. She knows nothing of all this, but my heart knows that I used to wait for her. I loved looking at her, I loved thinking about her. Even looking at that empty rooftop would make my heart dance; I wanted to touch and feel the flowers in the garden, because surely they held the touch of her hands. This happened so many times—during pujas when I would spot her from the window, after she had gone down from the roof, I would go to the pavilion and gently caress the flowers in exactly those spots where she had stood or walked.

I don't know whether she ever looked my way, but it felt good to think that she surely stole glances at me too and felt happy...just the way I did. It wasn't exactly love, but something very much like love. Without speaking to me even once, she had the extraordinary power to turn my little heart completely upside down.