Breaking the Chains

 I remember, I was then in the fullness of youth.........
 Pure as white snow, in my clear heart the first life's unexpressed sorrows silently wandered like a hidden river, tear-flooded, exuberant in its grief.
 My body had grown, and with it warmth.
 Yet my mind lingered still in girlhood's realm, had not crossed over!
 Those days were hideous as death, grey and shrouded in melancholy mist.
  
 He came into my nineteenth crumbled, restless life.
 He came like an uprising, he came like Parashurama!
 Deep within he touched me.........as sudden rain touches the desert's heart!
 He became my companion—in all my tears and laughter, moonlight and darkness—I found him everywhere.
 Years turned just like this.
 From afar he drew me close, making me his own.
 I never had him near—that happiness remained distant, yet distance somehow pulled me close by what magic, I could not fathom!
 We met only a few times—even then, from afar!
 How terribly his love pulled at me.........I do not know!
 My heart raced day and night, yet I never thought he would come into my life like a dream made real!
 That love was not my first, yet what love truly means, that love first taught me!
  
 One day he came close, we met in a lonely room.
 Let touch remain distant—I had never seen a man as himself, never spoken with anyone in such a way,
 could not overcome fear's barrier by any means,
 had bound myself with such shame and shyness, keeping myself so far away!
 A closed room, we alone—sitting face to face.
 A little apart, in silent melody, time passed on wings of hesitation and doubt.
 I could not look into those eyes of his, what was in those eyes, I do not know even today!
 Let him draw me close, hold my hand, bind me in great tenderness!
 That day a storm rose in my mind—what kind of storm, I could not understand for fear.
 I had never known how a man touches, with what passion, with what gesture!
  
 Suddenly silence's wall broke!
 "Hey there, girl! Are you afraid?"
 Words would not come to my lips, I shook my head, conveyed—no.
 He came closer! Inside my chest bells seemed to chime!
 Gently gathering these two hands in his fist, he smiled softly and said, see how my finger is cut, take a look!
 In the pretense of lightly touching his finger, I seemed to find comfort, caught my breath!
 He took off my glasses, put them on his own eyes, took them off again, set them aside.
 With the back of his finger he touched this cheek, with a gentle kiss made my body tremble!
 What mystery is this! What magic! What happened! I understood nothing at all!
  
 What effort even to open my eyes! Where did even my breath escape to?
 "Silly girl! Your lips are such a wine color! Wipe them properly on this cheek!"
 I can never manage this kiss!—knowing this, he asked like that!
 "Forgive me, beloved, I cannot!"
 "Kiss me, dear, cast away doubt, look at these eyes, I'm closing them!"
 I saw his trembling hand play in my hair!
 Matte lipstick, won't wipe away, yet touching my lips to his cheek I asked, startled, "Did it come off?"
 "No, silly girl! That dry stuff hasn't come off yet!"
 Head down, biting my nails, I continue, as if there's so much honey in my nails!
  
 Bringing his lips behind my ear, melting me with his breath's warmth, he laughed and said, "What's there to be shy about, my golden one?"
 "Go away, you rascal! I don't know anything!"
 "What's here then? Come right now, let's walk outside."
 "I won't go anywhere. Stay right here!.........Ummmm, take me in your arms!"
 "What are you saying, silly? You want to be held? Tell papa."
 "Papa doesn't hold me! You hold me!"
 "Quiet now! If I lift you I'll throw you down!"
 Fumbling in his pocket he pulled out Snickers! "Here, take this, eat!"
 "I won't eat anything! I want to be held! Hold me!"
  
 He left the bed and locked the door.
 And immediately came forward, extending his hand, laughing, "Let's see, come madam! Come into my arms!"
 I was sitting on the bed's sheet.
 Standing on the bed, with a little jump, wrapping myself around that neck, I became intoxicated with that touch in an instant!
 I don't know how much time passed exactly like that!
 This ribcage became so wonderfully warm with the body's fragrance!
 Why so much happiness! Why so much happiness! Even if I died, I would feel no pain.
 "Should I put you down?"
 "Don't!"
 Wrapped in those magical arms, spreading intoxication through me, he asked again, "Should I hit you a little?"
 Very carefully setting me down on the bed, my beloved sat beside me.
 "Why are you such a rascal, tell me! Only hitting, teasing! You don't show any affection at all!"
 Then seating me on his lap, wrapping me in some magic, holding me tight to his chest, he touched my cheeks with his lips like a madman!
  
 I seemed to tremble, intoxicated with mahua wine! No awareness anywhere of anything!
 His eyes turned red, his breathing grew heavy, his body trembled with it.........I too was going to another world!
 I wanted something wildly that I cannot say what.
 Without thinking I desired something! What I wanted, I cannot say!
 Embracing me, in intoxicated tones he whispered laughing near my ear, "I cannot do this! I love you! This would harm you.........I cannot! I love you!"
 The moment passed! How it passed, I cannot say!
 Resting my head on his chest I counted heartbeats! That thudding.........still rings in my ears! I cannot forget!
  
 Only he had duty—his love, his tears, or his passion—had no duty!
 No meetings happen, or conversations.
 Memory as much as there is—tears, anguish, only separation!
 Only I remember, only my heart burns!
 How fragile this body-mind—if the heart breaks, there is pain—if duty breaks, there is ruin!
 The more duty chains, the more the heart cripples! They call this duty's victory!
 One who dies from love's wound, only they know how painful it is to live!
 What would have happened if I'd been a little ruined! To save my heart I would have gladly been ruined!