Blue Envelope

I don't know if this blue envelope I'm sending will ever reach you.
If the envelope does find its way to you,
then open it carefully and burn the letter you find inside.

And if that's not possible, then burn the envelope with the letter.
Still, just as you once made me your plaything,
don't cast this letter aside with the same careless neglect.

If you can't give it proper regard, no matter;
but don't dishonor it, the way you dishonored me.

When this letter reaches you,
I won't be within your reach anymore
to know your reaction to reading it.
Time is short. The call has come. I must go.
---I couldn't say all this to you face to face.

You're so terribly busy. You had no time to hear me then, nor do you now.
Your lack of time paired with your busyness... always made such perfect sense.
And if it had been about me, well, there'd be nothing left to say!

Yes, I too have very little time now,
but no busyness. And if it concerns you, then I have endless leisure!
---As it was before, so it remains now.

I won't judge truth from lies today! I'm desperately tired now.
These things no longer draw my mind, my body won't follow.

Finding where you are or where you stay has cost me much cleverness so far.
Of course, you didn't keep me informed.
You wouldn't—that's precisely why you wanted to be addressless!
Though I misjudged you completely from start to finish, you read me perfectly.
So you must have known I'd never let you become addressless!

But this much is true: you may have read me right, but you never understood me.
If you had, perhaps I wouldn't have had to send you these words
stuffed inside an envelope like this.

Today is the twenty-fifth of Magh.
Remember this day.

Exactly ten years from today, when you recall this day,
you'll survive as nothing but ash—burnt to cinders
in the fire of remorse.

No, I'm not cursing you,
just pointing out your destiny with my finger in your eyes.
Though the whole world calls you a divine light filled with sacred wisdom, I know you're blind!
So I'm leaving this much for you.

I won't say farewell at day's end.
Nothing could ever be finished. Not today either.

I won't say "be well" either.
Because I won't give you that small false comfort.
Just know this much: though you read me, you never truly understood me,
while I, without reading you, understood you perfectly well!

My emptiness will devour you—even if you don't know it, I truly do.
I'm not forcing this view upon you,
just breaking down and analyzing your "you-ness" to show you!

I pray,
whether you stay well or not,
that you can bear the pain of losing me.
I truly know this pain is unbearable! I couldn't bear it!
I only wish that you can.

My blue envelope and the letter sent within—keep them carefully, won't you?