Sometimes looking up with words unsaid, sometimes through stories and poems, or halfway through some writing or at its end, how often you gaze at me and fall silent for a while. Do you wonder then what kind of love I bear for you?
That I love you—this you know; here there's no room for questions, this too you know. But you can't fathom which stage of love this love belongs to! Why am I still someone beyond your touch, at untouchable distance! Why hasn't my face yet nestled in the hollow of your throat?
The distance of words hasn't closed, my voice still remains beyond your hearing; yet you call me 'babui'! How I am in morning light, how you are in evening shade, I in the gentle lamp of dusk, you in night's density... In a whole day, face to face at the borders of sight, you and I together—how we are, we two never meeting! When will this wait reach its final line, no one knows!
Do these questions, these thoughts, trouble you much? Do you get very angry? Feel hurt? Do you think, so many years have passed...how many more?
Sometimes I feel like taking time to think a little more...though mostly I feel like not thinking at all. I've read in so many places that people are happiest in imagination! In imagination you can go as far as you wish, indulge as much as you want—there nothing is impossible.
I don't know how to imagine. I've never lost myself in dreams about you. The reason: imagination and its infinite realm—both are false to me, without existence. But you! You are my only truth! My only existence! I don't want to take you into any false world. All my feelings for you I want to feel in truth. I don't want to force any feeling upon you and myself—this I've never learned to do! I don't want to hang a notice of unwanted guilt over you and myself. You are my dearest friend. And to think of you, to read you—this I love—imagination...let it stay far away.
I am terribly selfish as a person and this is true. I never liked sharing in my own life, in my most private moments. Yet I love to think of you as my own person, friend, and eternal partner. This partnership is unknown to you, unexpressed! In this partnership you and I are two souls side by side.
You wonder, what kind of partnership is this? It's partnership, not possession...that shows its presence by constantly coming forward. We've only learned to share, not to interfere. People of the world confuse these four things, that's why love becomes 'torment' at some point. The feeling of falling in love is unique, but the feeling of being able to love this way is divine.
About you I'm not rigid in the slightest, it's unnecessary to me. Rather, if I tried to think like a conventional lover, I'd burst out laughing! How anyone can think about such foolish, meaningless, ridiculous things and waste so much time—it's beyond my understanding! You fall in love a thousand times. If you don't, I'd think, looks like the boy's started eating cabbage!
Hey, I can see you laughing while reading this! And that I was laughing while writing—don't tell anyone, okay?
You know, I've never hesitated to tell you the truth. That truth which must be told someday—such truth I don't have stored in my lessons. Or if you found out and that became my fear, such a terrible feeling you've never given me; so I am an open book to you. You too are that open book to me, whose simplest lines and most complex lines, every illuminated and blurred part I love to read. The book we didn't need to deceive each other to open; didn't need to convince anyone..."I won't mark anywhere in the open book, just open it once and see!"
This soul's love for soul seems to have been born in us lifetimes ago! Lying to each other, deceiving each other—these are unimportant, unnecessary to us.
Until this very moment, I never even considered the words I wrote to you above worth pondering. The reason: we're both simple and inherently free people. All that relationship clutter is too unsuitable for us to think about, nothing but ridiculous and meaningless waste of time.
I never wanted to know you, rather I wanted to discover you and have done so. So my respect, reverence, affection for you, for your words and actions, is reborn every day. My gaze toward you is not only of love—but of tenderness, fondness, wonder too. All this I'm saying, all this I'm saying...only because you're not sitting face to face. When my eyes find you within their bounds, I'll fall silent and watch, touch with my heart—love, tenderness, fondness, these feelings will find their wordless expression this way.
Tell me, will that wordless me please you?