Before Leaving

  
 Dear Anish,
  
 I know you're doing well. If you weren't, I could never have left you behind like this. Have you eaten? Have you eaten well? What's the point of all this dieting, tell me? Why do you need to stay so fit? It's the movie stars who need to be fit. You don't need to tire yourself out at the gym, you fool! You should eat the foods you love, sleep, watch movies, and read storybooks whenever you feel like it. Don't put yourself through hardship, my darling!
  
 Have you given up playing piano altogether? It's not that you played very well. But when I used to praise your playing falsely, the flash of joy I could see on your face—I would gladly tell this lie for the rest of my life just to see that. I would give my very life to see you smile. When I close my eyes, I can see your smiling face. Your beautiful tousled hair dripping wet, the water from your hair soaking your back, you reading a book while drinking coffee with your left hand—I can see it all, I can see it all when I close my eyes. In my eyes, there isn't a more handsome man in all the world than you.
  
 How are you, my dear? How do you spend your golden winter afternoons or the scorching summer noons? What do you do in your leisure time? Do you still fall asleep the moment you lie down, or have you learned to stay awake at night? And our rabbit—I mean your rabbit 'Itu'—how is she now? How many babies has she had? What names did you give them? You never told me! Do you still visit the village? Do you still bring back hijol flowers from the village? "There are ghosts in the hijol tree, you know!"—who else do you frighten with this now? Do you remember what I look like, how I cry, the slurping sounds I make when drinking tea, which color I love most? Anish, do you remember me? Or have you too...
  
 I cry every night thinking of you, you know? I never sleep without crying. When everything around me falls silent at night, when everyone closes their doors and sleeps quietly in their own way, that's when I think of you and cry to my heart's content. This has become a habit of mine. Could you ever know how much I've lost by losing you? Could you ever know that none of my prayers ever end without praying for you?
  
 You know, at midnight a scream rushes up from inside my chest. It feels like someone is choking me. I sob and sob then, unable to make any sound. I sleep with mother at night, so I have to cry very carefully. Come and see my life! I can't even cry to my heart's content. Do I have anything that's truly my own then? Anish, do you cry too? Does something chase you around every day like it does me?
  
 I don't know why I'm crying again at this odd hour! The house is full of people today, so there's no place I can go to cry a little. How is everyone at your house? Aunt, Uncle, younger uncle, younger aunt, and Ramla aunty from your house, who raised you—are they all well? Your friends Amal, Sumit and Binoy, how are they? Don't you fly kites on the roof anymore? Do you remember how much I wanted to fly kites with you all? You never wanted to include me in your group. You used to say that if I tried to fly kites, the string would snap! I would stand and watch you fly yours. Do you remember those days?
  
 The marigold and krishnachura saplings we planted together in your garden—how big have they grown? Do they bloom? Do you still hunt birds? But don't! Taking a bird's life is a great sin. Don't do such things anymore. Grandmother used to say, "Birds curse too, you know!" I will wrap you in blessings so that not a single curse can come near you.
  
 Have you really gone abroad to study? That's what everyone tells me! But why? You never had such a desire. You used to share everything with me. You never said anything like this. How does it feel to live abroad, leaving your own people behind? No, no, I'm not talking about myself! I'm talking about your whole family. What am I to anyone? If some unfamiliar feeling develops between two people, man and woman, beyond blood relations or paper bonds, if without any reason there's affection, pull, love, or tears that make you stop somewhere, then people hide that very relationship for fear of naming it!
  
 The way you hid our relationship—I never thought you were like that. No, I'm not calling you a coward or selfish. I just want to ask, Anish, was there only friendship between you and me? Did you never feel some other heavenly joy or sorrow, all of which I had created? Was it all my mistake then? All those things you used to tell me with your eyes without saying a word—was that all just my imagination? Do you remember how you too would start crying when you saw me cry? When I had smallpox, when I sat dejected about the marks on my face, you used to touch my forehead tenderly and say, "Hey, I'm the one who's going to marry you anyway, what's there to worry about?" Did you say all this without understanding what you meant?
  
 Anyway, I can't write anymore. I feel like I'm suffocating and might die any moment!
  
 Stay well, Anish. I'm leaving, I'll be leaving very soon.
  
 You stay well.
  
 Yours—
 Your unknown Nirjhar