Before Falling Asleep

 
I'm home, not going out. Don't worry.
Know this—I never ignore the warnings of those I love.


I miss you terribly!
…I'm not writing or saying this now. Because
from the moment I write or speak these words
I begin circling around your photographs and drawings.
All my work lies abandoned…


I have no trouble understanding
that a kind of yearning chases me back and forth.
Right now, I am quite calm. The reason is
the AC is running in the room, or you are in my thoughts.


Drawing from one of your poems,
I have something to ask you.
I'm very eager to know—
do you fear losing me? Has such a feeling ever come to your heart?


Give me an answer if you can. If you want to know mine, I'll say
there were doubts before, but not anymore.
I can trust you like my own breath.
I have no fear of losing you. You are my most intimate refuge...


But I am not your refuge, could never become one.
To become refuge for someone like you
requires so much worthiness, so much!


You can be loved, prayers can be offered for you,
and sometimes even resentment! That's all!
What I feel, I've said.


Since loving you
even my tears are wrapped in layers of joy.
Stay well. When you wish, sometimes keep me well too.


Lately, thinking of you makes me melancholy,
some separation gathers in my chest.
In some secret solitude of home I want to rest my head and weep.


Spread your arms wide
and hold me wrapped and coiled, kiss me! I want to fall asleep…


When you are born again,
come to this world only as mine…
So I can love you with an open heart,
have you near whenever I wish,
so I never have to think you belong to someone else!


Though I want you, I'll never have you—
you know, such thoughts are so painful!
When I loved no one,
the desire for love didn't hurt this much,
but now it does.


Sometimes I think, there you are right before me…entirely mine!
And nowhere else do you have even a single love!


Then suddenly I realize you have no presence here,
you belong to someone else…then inside my chest
I hear the sound of ribs breaking! Not mine…then it hurts terribly.


I'll sleep now, I'm truly in pain.