Another Reading of Understanding

 Hang the small happiness I gave you—there on that wall,
 the way people hang calendars, bright and colorful.
 Notice my sleeve—there's a tiny hole—it might come in handy.
 That's all there is to it, nothing more.
 In the space between you and me,
 neither you exist, nor I.
 I know I am only a guest here,
 a mirror hanging on a rope—that's what I am!
 It just spins this way and that, never still—
 catching only shadows, nothing else.
  
 Everything changes with unbelievable speed,
 there are countless addresses for loss, but so few for gain.
 I know there's only one house of profit; but houses of loss are endless!
 If only I could find some way
 to separate the lies from truth,
 would I, tell me, disappear like this?
 Erasing my footprints one by one,
 I try carefully to understand—what was I like?
 I remember nothing now!
 My self was as it was—I mean, like before...when did it end?
 I can't remember.
 Was I a ring or light?
 Or was I some autumn pond,
 gathering light, scattering light?
 That cool light—no warmth, only shadow.
 Perhaps it's all the mind's creation! Let that be...
 There's nothing in this world that will return me to my former self.
  
 Those two hands of yours vanish in a blink, like tree branches floating away in flood waters. I have seen this.
 Life is like an old film—same scene, same people, same feelings, same pain.
 I see the future like lightning—only the flash, not the strike.
 So blows come easily, one by one—to my chest.
 What seeks me flees when it finds me,
 the present...whenever I think of it—gentle, humble, and meek,
 danger comes rushing—wild and drunk with fury!
 Bread in my hand, I run with such joy! Who knows, alas, only fasting awaits this fate!
  
 O destiny! Thank you still. So much could have been!
 What I am now, I am well—this is how I think.
 In dreams I see a wonderful celebration in some evening light. To life's festival
 she comes, draws close and wraps herself around my arms, and smiling softly asks, Are you well?
 The old fragrance of her hair, neck, and chin—I recognize it exactly, no mistake!
 Binding me with gentle kisses, whispering with love, she says, Live in dreams, not reality!
 I wake! Dream kisses melt in dreams! Reality only wounds!
 Yet I feel it wasn't a dream! I was awake then, still am!...Do we then live in dreams?
 I never thought it would be like this, yet it happened! If we think it, do dreams truly come?
  
 I have kept you in my heart filled with wonder,
 in your laughter my dreams only fall,
 why this happens, I cannot say, cannot understand.
 This feeling just grows, only grows...this much I know!
 In prayer I ask that you come as mine...not just a friend, but as my soul.
 I don't break dreams, I'm too awkward for reality,
 whenever I think you're not mine—you're someone else's,
 I become still, feelings no longer work, life no longer draws me.
 I knowingly live in dreams—from the urge to live!
  
 Those who think they see me—how much do they really see?
 My identity to the world—perhaps maybe possibly...nothing more.
 What pain I bear, no one knows.
 How many nights pass...I cannot sleep—no one knows.
 How much weeping behind this laughter—no one knows.
 Friends see how well I am, how cheerful!
 Only I know how I'm living, behind what mask.
 Often I think, how much longer like this? Accept defeat, lessen sorrow, increase peace.
 Truly I say, still I am well. You are beside me—in dream's guise, in the heart's country.
  
 Happiness means seeing you.
 Happiness means knowing you.
 Happiness means thinking of you.
 Happiness means having you.
 Bound to one truth in life—I love so much! I will love!
 I love you through a hundred obstacles, a hundred wounds.
 You are not mine, beloved, you're someone else's—I understand everything, yet cannot stop myself.
 The feeling you've given me is so rare, so unique!
 When you look at me, then I see nothing at all,
 lost in dreams of you I shiver, my body trembles in the heart's chamber!
 The way my love binds you, no one will ever bind you like that—know this.
  
 In my dreams I make you tremble—in body, mind, and soul.
 You merge within my heart, where no fear remains, no hesitation.
 I know this love is an illicit stream, a forbidden tale of forbidden love,
 knowing I won't have you, yet I cannot convince myself!
 O life of mine, don't go, don't leave me. If you go...death is destiny!
 Stay in my dreams, keep this life alive in feeling alone—in deepest love.