Anguish of the Heart

Mother, today I want to tell you
something truthfully!
I forgot you completely
ages and ages ago!
Don't you see, Ma,
how foolish you were!
That I had forgotten—this simple truth
you never accepted, not ever!

At the dim confluence of your two eyes
spreading lines of laughter, you'd only say,
'My little boy is quite mad,
understands nothing at all, but loves me so much!'

You know, Ma,
the first day I stood
in the shadow of your hand,
the schoolbag on my shoulder,
following the trail of your footsteps,
taking small, careful steps,
I walked toward another courtyard,
I forgot you that very day!
Why don't you believe it even now?

The day I learned to put
a fistful of rice in my mouth
with my own hand,
the day I first tied
my shoelaces all by myself—
Ma, truly truly
I stopped remembering you...from then on.

Getting zero on an exam,
the day I hid the test paper,
I had learned to lie from that day.
At the corner of our old neighborhood lane
I became friends with some street boys.
From them I learned to take
smoke of pleasure into nose and mouth...
Ah, to dissolve life itself into the wind!

Ma, your bonds of love,
that face shaped by a world of ideals—
...all this that day, mixing with smoke
I cast away on the chariot of indifference.
Still, why do you keep pulling me close?
Ma, I'm telling the truth,
innocent and simple...
I was never like that!

The first day
hiding in the gap between trees,
I drew a kiss
on a girl's lips,
whom I thought my lover then...
that day from your
vanity bag
I took the money for father's medicine,
bought her so many things...
just to hold her hand a little and kiss!

Coming home
I said, 'Ma,
I love you so much!'
Understanding everything, why didn't you say anything that day?
Pushing away your half-starved,
tear-soaked gaze,
leaving behind your sari-full of love and care
and night-long vigils,
in the illusion of darkness and light
your one and only boy
stepped forward...that very day!

Ma...Ma...Ma...
Rising above everything
you said even that day,
'My little boy is quite mad,
understands nothing at all!
And...loves me so much!'
If you had been even a little harsh that day,
today my home wouldn't be
in this three-and-a-half feet of earth!